Good Will Hunting

[hyok]

I am not one to ask for advice when it comes to dealing with people. I tend to see things my way and act accordingly based on what I feel, and for the most part the results have always been good, or at least to my satisfaction. But I am, right now, in the middle of a dilemma with a friend whom I have known for over nearly 20 years. This is the story.

 

My friend, let's call him "Bob", isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. His level of insight is not very strong so because of this he has been drawn to those who have what he perceives to be as intelligence and insight. Enter ME. This is essentially how we became friends - he wanted someone like me in his life, I naturally wanted to help him out.

 

Midway between the 20 years of knowing him, we had a falling out. His anger coupled with his lack of mental capacity, led us to many fruitless arguments and eventually led me to distance myself from him which, in hindsight, I think affected him very much.

 

Fast-forward to the present. He has found a new friend to replace me, a man much like myself. I have met his new friend, we get along VERY well and have become good friends while Bob is still a mutual friend. After having discussed the Bob situation with the New Friend, we both concluded that Bob is probably a homosexual and has feelings for both of us. We also concluded that his anger is a defense mechanism for the fear of his own sexual thoughts. New Friend confided in me that there have been instances when Bob seemed to hint that he was, but quickly covered his tracks.

 

I now work for Bob. Bob is my boss, but Bob is angrier than ever. He is full of hate, greed and delusion. Frankly, I think he lives in a fantasy world while everyone around him sorta of knows while he doesn't. The capacity for his hatefulness is incredibly potent and obvious. I hear his cries for help in vibrations of his voice whenever he screams.

 

So here is the dilemma... How do I help Bob deal with this without 1) making him think what i'm doing is some kind of sexual advance and 2) losing my job?

 

I want to help Bob, and so does everyone else who is unfortunate enough to be around him. In my circles, this is becoming a big problem that is building up and a resolution, eventually, must be found otherwise the only other option is a destructive one.

 

Maybe I should just wait and see what happens...

 

Anyways, interesting thoughts and experiences would be much appreciated. Thanks.

[CarsonZi]

Hi hyok......

 

I would pray for him....drop his name in Silence....and stay out of his way as much as possible (for now) if I were you. Let Source bring him what he needs. Stay open to helping but don't force anything. Be open, honest and unconditionally loving. That is what I would do. You may have to deal with sexual advances in the future if he takes the unconditional love the wrong way, but staying open, honest and loving with him even in that situation will dissolve all the tension and allow him to release his own fears....as well as allow you to compassionately deflect his advances. Hope this helps a little.

 

Love,

Carson

[hyok]

Thank you, Carson. That is actually very sound advice, and one I will definitely follow.

[Mal]

Perhaps an I Ching and see if that sheds some light on a path.

 

Do you want to be proactive in this situation (probably as you posted a question) or do you just want to go with the flow?

 

There are power differentials here. Power over income. Perceived differences in "ability"

 

Any change in a long term relationship is likely to upset balance. Sometimes the best action is to change yourself and just see if your example rubs off on them over time.

[hyok]

Perhaps an I Ching and see if that sheds some light on a path.

 

Do you want to be proactive in this situation (probably as you posted a question) or do you just want to go with the flow?

 

There are power differentials here. Power over income. Perceived differences in "ability"

 

Any change in a long term relationship is likely to upset balance. Sometimes the best action is to change yourself and just see if your example rubs off on them over time.

 

 

Wise words, Mal. I sense that I do want to be pro-active, but I also sense that this can blow up in my face as well as the faces of others who are involved.

 

Thank you. I've taken your words to heart.

[Trunk]

.. eventually led me to distance myself from him which, in hindsight, I think affected him very much.

 

Fast-forward to the present. He has found a new friend to replace me, a man much like myself. ..

 

I now work for Bob. Bob is my boss, but Bob is angrier than ever. ...

 

So here is the dilemma... How do I help Bob deal with this without 1) making him think what i'm doing is some kind of sexual advance and 2) losing my job?

 

I want to help Bob, ...

We all have our limits, and friendships also have limits. Sounds like your initial friendship with Bob ran its natural course and concluded. It's common that at that point some degree of negative patterns set in toward the ex-friend, that often never resolve. Sometimes it's smart to see when something is over, and move on.

 

Could be that it's no longer your role to help Bob.

Could be that it's likewise not a good idea to work for Bob.

 

That's just my read from far away on the internet. Could be a total mis-read.

 

best of luck,

Trunk

[hyok]

We all have our limits, and friendships also have limits. Sounds like your initial friendship with Bob ran its natural course and concluded. It's common that at that point some degree of negative patterns set in toward the ex-friend, that often never resolve. Sometimes it's smart to see when something is over, and move on.

 

Could be that it's no longer your role to help Bob.

Could be that it's likewise not a good idea to work for Bob.

 

That's just my read from far away on the internet. Could be a total mis-read.

 

best of luck,

Trunk

 

I hear ya loud and clear, man. In fact i'm already making plans to get out of all of this very soon. Although i'm not trying to weigh this out in terms of risk vs. reward or anything like that, but I am realizing maybe it's not my position to do anything to help him directly.

 

Thanks Trunk.

[Mal]

but I am realizing maybe it's not my position to do anything to help him directly.

 

I asked my Sifu a similar thing and he told me that it is important that we try to help people. But that person must be willing to accept help. Sometimes they are not, and in those situations you should help yourself but also accept that that is what they want at this time.

[LittleBuddha]

My friend, let's call him "Bob", isn't the sharpest tool in the shed.

 

Yet you work for "Bob"

 

You don't have the proper attitude to work for him. Go to work, do your job. Leave work at work.

 

After having discussed the Bob situation with the New Friend, we both concluded that Bob is probably a homosexual and has feelings for both of us. We also concluded that his anger is a defense mechanism for the fear of his own sexual thoughts. New Friend confided in me that there have been instances when Bob seemed to hint that he was, but quickly covered his tracks.

 

Both of you spend time discussing him, assuming things about him.

 

You don't have the proper attitude to be his friend. Old Friend and New Friend are no longer "Bob's" friend.

 

Stop trying to help him. Let him be.

[Gerard]

Man with bad karma. If "yuanfen" is what brought you together so be it, if not walk away. Get another job, I know it is easier said than done but hey your journey is not his.

[LittleBuddha]

[hyok]

I asked my Sifu a similar thing and he told me that it is important that we try to help people. But that person must be willing to accept help. Sometimes they are not, and in those situations you should help yourself but also accept that that is what they want at this time.

 

Yes. This has been a reality for me. Sometimes I get the feeling he is open and wanting to listen, other times "opposite" does not do justice to the 180 turn around that occurs.

 

Frankly it's like walking a wire for everyone I work with. Most folks would rather not say anything than figure out what his mood is in that exact moment, which to me seems as if moments (for him) is a millisecond within a millisecond.

 

 

Man with bad karma. If "yuanfen" is what brought you together so be it, if not walk away. Get another job, I know it is easier said than done but hey your journey is not his.

 

I'm leaning towards that. At this point it's all about timing.

 

Thank you, durkhrod chogori.

 

Little Buddha, i'm sorry that I offended you. It was not my intention. But this is a serious problem for me, otherwise I would not have posted about my private life. I wish you would respect that and not take it so personally.

[LittleBuddha]

[hyok]

Little Buddha, seriously dude, you are SO annoying. You're like a Bobble-Head nerd sitting on the dashboard of a rental car.

 

Why do you discount 20 years of knowing this guy? Why do you judge me so angrily and with such disdain? Re-read your original posts and see how you try to instill in me that i might be gay. What kind of moron does something like this?

 

Little Buddha -- how old are you? I will not entertain your posts any longer without knowing this.

Edited September 23, 2009 by hyok

[LittleBuddha]

Little Buddha,seriously dude, you are SO annoying. You're like a Bobble-Head nerd sitting on the dashboard of a rental car.

 

Why do you discount 20 years of knowing this guy? Why do you judge me so angrily and with such disdain? Re-read your original posts and see how you try to instill in me that i might be gay. What kind of moron does something like this?

 

Little Buddha -- how old are you? I will not entertain your posts any longer without knowing this.

 

 

You have a short fuse. Very short.

 

Is this how you talk with your employer? Is this how you talk with your friend?

 

I haven't been judging you angrily or with disdain, and I never tried to instill in you that you might be gay. You've interpreted things that way.

 

I'm 67 years old. I'll be 67 November 14 to be exact.

 

20 years is nowhere near long enough to know someone.

 

Best to spend time getting to know yourself first, all falls into place and flows

better that way.

[hyok]

[Birch]

How about the following experiment?

 

All I'll do is randomly rewrite everything with a few reversals here and there. It is fiction and the whole idea is to bend what you wrote. It's a sort of a twisted version of Byron Katie's "The work" and she does it extremely well. If you want to do it properly, she has some free downloadable stuff.

 

------------------------------------------------------Here goes------------------------

 

"I am one to ask for advice when it comes to dealing with myself. I tend to see things their way and act accordingly based on what they feel, and for the most part the results have always been bad, or at least to my unsatisfaction. But we are, right now, in the middle of a dilemma with a friend whom I have not known for over nearly 20 years. This is the story.

 

My friend, let's call him "Bob", is the sharpest tool in the shed. My level of insight is not very strong so because of this I have been drawn to those who have what I perceive to be as intelligence and insight. Enter HIM. This is essentially how we became friends - I wanted someone like him in my life, I naturally wanted to help me out.

 

Midway between the 20 years of knowing me, we had a falling out. My anger coupled with my lack of mental capacity, led us to many fruitless arguments and eventually led him to distance himself from me which, in hindsight, I think affected me very much.

 

Fast-forward to the present. I have found a new friend to replace him, a man much like myself. I have met my new friend, we get along VERY well and have become good friends while he is still a mutual friend. After having discussed the me situation with the New Friend, we both concluded that I am probably a homosexual and have feelings for both of them. I also concluded that my anger is a defense mechanism for the fear of my own sexual thoughts. New Friend confided in me that there have been instances when I seemed to hint that I was, but quickly covered my tracks.

 

I now work for me. I am my boss, but I am angrier than ever. I am full of hate, greed and delusion. Frankly, I think I live in a fantasy world while everyone around me sorta of knows while I don't. The capacity for my hatefulness is incredibly potent and obvious. I hear my cries for help in vibrations of my voice whenever I scream

So here is the dilemma... How do I help myself deal with this without 1) making myself think what i'm doing is some kind of sexual advance and 2) losing my job?

 

I want to help myself, and so does everyone else who is fortunate enough to be around me. In my circles, this is becoming a big problem that is building up and a resolution, eventually, must be found otherwise the only other option is a constructive one.

 

Maybe I should just wait and see what happens...

 

Anyways, interesting thoughts and experiences would be much appreciated. Thanks. smile.gif

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

- So hopefully you found my reworking of your story pretty inaccurate!

 

My point is that you mostly always (ever?) only have to deal with yourself in any situation. The other people are just there to help you do that - even if they are assholes;-)

[hyok]

How about the following experiment?

 

All I'll do is randomly rewrite everything with a few reversals here and there. It is fiction and the whole idea is to bend what you wrote. It's a sort of a twisted version of Byron Katie's "The work" and she does it extremely well. If you want to do it properly, she has some free downloadable stuff.

 

- So hopefully you found my reworking of your story pretty inaccurate!

 

My point is that you mostly always (ever?) only have to deal with yourself in any situation. The other people are just there to help you do that - even if they are assholes;-)

 

 

That's interesting and I can see how it can be applied in some instances, but I wonder if it's avoiding the outside world a bit too much? What I mean is how does this resolve the stream of negativity I have to endure from him? How do I work on that by working on myself? Are you suggesting that I don't help him and just help myself and in helping myself i'll be helping him?

 

"The other people are just there to help you do that"

 

This is a great way to see things, but I guess I have a hard time accepting this viewpoint. I don't think everyone around me is there to help me better myself. I DO think that an element of chaos is present in this realm and it is very evident in every day life. But parallel to this is purpose, destiny, fate. So maybe some are and some aren't there to help me. Not to say a lesson cannot be extrapolated from everything we experience, but the fact is we don't. So some people just come and go and we never remember them. Others do help us. Maybe I should be more conscious about it as should everyone else, but the element of chaos is always present, not to say chaos cannot be forseen, but it is nevertheless chaos.

 

Thanks for the comment.

Edited September 24, 2009 by hyok

[Birch]

I think it depends on the extent to which you (may be) avoiding the inner world. I'll stamp a hefty generalization on this when I say that it's perhaps more of a "guy thing" to do but that's also social conditioning. Plus my tendency is overly inner-world so thar ya have it;-)

 

"How does this resolve the stream of negativity I have to endure from him?" - You don't have to endure it. See? All better;-)

 

"How do I work on that by working on myself?" - He can be as negative as he wants and it doesn't have anything to do with you. Although his idea of you is pretty sick;-)

 

You take care of your attitude. I have no idea if this will help him. It might, he might feel more confidence around you, he might realize he can't go around stamping like a child. Maybe something else entirely. Maybe the Yin-Yang experts here can translate the energies.

 

 

"I don't think everyone around me is there to help me better myself." - yeah, this is tough. It's more to do with accepting things the way they are, including yourself;-) But if no-one is here to help anyone become more, I don't see why we'd bother with consciousness in the first place;-) Just put my fur and tail back on;-)

[gendao]

Just a stab in the dark here...but from a ThetaHealing perspective, these tangled situations are VERY typical and always contain a lot of lessons for yourself. Life is all about learning. And ultimately, most of these issues boil down to our relationship with God.

 

For example, the way you view Bob, could be the way you subconsciously feel God views you.

Perhaps you feel unworthy and unqualified for the position and power you've been given (by God).

 

Whatever the case, once you change these underlying beliefs, you will soon notice the change in yourself and your life. But if not, you will likely just keep seeing the same pattern repeat itself in your life...until you do. We are the common denominator in all our relationships. And thus have the power to change them (or attract new ones).

 

Good luck, buddy!

[hyok]

It just hit me a minute ago...

 

I was his first love! AND He thinks i'm just using him for money, and I kinda am.

 

I can't believe this has not dawned on me. Here I was thinking 'Why can't this asshole get over all that shit?', but

I was viewing it from a straight male perspective. Oh my Wow. I feel so irresponsible in a weird way.

 

But am i just being egotistic? Haha.

 

Here's the thing though, I don't wanna get into some ass-grabbing session with him. He's just not my type. Lol.

 

But I will be nicer and project that niceness and eliminate all traces of a dread of what will be.

 

Thanks for the comments everyone.

Edited September 26, 2009 by hyok