Transmuting sexual energy and ...

[Non]

well if you think Im a selfish person...Im not, at least I don't think I'm as selfish as others who get a lot more than me, and not just because they take. I've been thinking of doing community service once I get my life together. But, thinking its a magic pill before I can handle my own stuff, it can take more of my time than I really need to sacrifice. And then for what? for people to hate my presence even more?

 

I appear like the scrooge type of negative person, but its not like I go around putting others down. I only put myself down, and yea I am really negative, I am careful not to offend people. I just seem resentful all the time.

but yea. I was thinking all this was related to sexual related dysfunction ie that Ive never had a girlfriend and Im missing the yin aspect in my life, and in many aspects. But I also seem to be at a point that nobody can really like me, even if I tried.

[markern]

Hi Non, I feel for your situation. It can not be easy.

 

There is, however, some really good methods that can help you out of it, completely.

 

A combination of good cultivation, good therapy and some excellent tools for training social skills should over time help you resolve this.

 

Since you have the dicipline already to practice and exercise quite a lot you will over time see very good results with your cultivation.

 

The best therapies IMO are cognitive therapy, mindfulness based cognitive therapy and acceptance and commitment therapy. Cognitive therapy is based on look at your thoughts and how they create problematic emotions and problematic behavious and rationaly and systematicly working on changing those thoughts into more usefull thoughts and that leads to more beneficial emotions and behavious. This line of therapy is very well researched and shows consistently good results if done. It is however important to find a therapist that actually works very methodologically with you, gives you homework and is systematic in his/her aproach. That is what makes this line of therapy work. Mindfulnes based cogntive therapy (MBCT) and aceptance and commitment therapy is almost the same as each other and uses mindfulness as inspired by budhist vipassana to learn to live with and to change your cognitions, emotions and behaviour. Both of these therapies have consistently showed better results than any otehr therapies in a lot of studies but there has not been enoguh studies with large enough sample sizes to say that it is scientificly certain that these are the most effective therapies but everything is poiting in this direction. These are also therapies that will suport your culitvation and be strongly supported by your cultivation. My meditation teacher whcih is also a therapist of cognitive therapy and MBCT says that this is the best self help book working with these sorts of therapies:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Acceptan...pd_bxgy_b_img_c

 

I have recomended it to quite a few people that have had great success with it.

 

As to gaining friends and being comfortable arround people there are actually much more that can be done to train these skills than most people think. I don`t know if you have heard of pick up artists but these are men who were absolutely terrible with women adn often people in general who then systematicly worked oput how to pick up women and gain social skills. A lot of the methodologies first used by these guys relied on using scripted lines and storries and an overtly analytical aproach to social relations. Since the begining this has changed a lot and most of them now teach methods that are much more based on gaining general social skills and being yourself but in a more confident and socially intelligent way. Several of these guys also now teach general conversational and social skills outside of dating contexts and focus on workshops for buisnisses and women. So although there are still methods out there I do not recomend there are now really wholesome methods as well. Does this actually work? most certainly. I have practiced some of this myself and I have followed a lot of peoples development on different forums devoted to this and I have met people who have trained with this and it really really works. It is perfectly possible to go from a 25 year old virgin without firends to having a huge soical network and getting a great girlfriend or bedding a hundred smoking hot chicks if that is what you want. I have seen it a bunch of times and if you work consistently at it you will get the results. Actually starting with no friends, no expereience with girls and social anxiety is, if not the norm, then at least very frequent with the learned pickup world. Many people on this forum has had good success with PUA stuff. Pietro has log somehwere I think about "taoist" pickup. (personal practice section somewhere)

 

The method I highly recomend and that IMO is the best for achieving general social skills rather than just pickup skills is juggler method (charismaarts.com). It focuses strongly on conversation. You never say anything rehearsed. You get very good at being arround people and getting to know and bond with them quickly. It has a very psoitive frame and it teaches you to boost other people not put them down. It is very focused on being genuine. It is also very simple. A lot of the basics has to do with talking from an I perpective in stead of a generalised perspective (also called god perspective) something which makes the conversation much more perosnal more quickly and creates more flow in the conversation, asking opened ended questions in stead of close ended questions (this leads to people talking more back to you and giving you much more info and detail about yourself and their opinions on something and makes you seem more genuinly interested in what they have to say, you also learn how to relate better to what people say by talking about stuff from your own perspective that relate to what they just said, you learn to get better at putting more info about yourself out there whihc leads to more rapport and lessens chances of conversations staling, you also learn how to "reward" people with compliments, attention and body language and tonality for opening up and for what you like about them. You learn a lot about looking for what good you find in a person and complimenting them on that in a good way that feels genuine to them. If you find you want to escalate things to something more sexual you learn how to do that well and they teach you how to flirt in a natural and good way.

 

If you go to the forum at charismaarts.com you can get a lot of suport from the people that hang out there and also from instructors for free. They are very nice people and know their stuff well. They also have some videos and stuff you can look at and books to read. This should be aenough to teach you what you need over the lon term but it is of course much more effective to take either the conversation camp (just about normal conversations and only lecture and role play), or bootcamp (you go out with instructors and other students during the day and nights for two days and learn to aproach and talk to and attract women) or you can have private lessons in person or lessons on skype or on the phone. The instrucotrs are really nice people.

 

If you ask for help there I think it is very important that you make clear where you are at in terms of anxiety and social experience etc. so that they adapt their advice to your situation.

 

My best advice is to start looking at the basics of conversation from Juggler ask for some help on the forum and every time you see someone with a dog start to pet the dog ask its name and try to have conversations with the owners. Old ladies with dogs are not scary to talk to but are still good practice. This way you get to practice conversational skills a lot in a very low pressure way. As you gain confidence and expereince with this you can advance to more talking with toerh strangers you meet througout the day, trying to get to now fellow styudents or people you train with better etc.

 

For sleeping problems yoga nidra (get one form the bihar school of yoga og the Himmalayan institute otherwise it might just be pregressive relaxation only) is excellent. It relaxes you deeply and disperses your awareness evenly htroughout your whole body and gives you the feeling of your body being one unit. This will go a long way to get you in touch with your body and reducing your anxiety and mitigating health problems. Once you get into it yoga nidra also puts you in a state that more or less simulates the REM fase of sleep. This way it compensates very well for lack of sleep (more so than regular meditation) and I have used it successfully for this many times. It also sort of teaches you how to fall a sleep and how to sleep with quality. You also get a deep and relaxed concentration, train visualisation abilities, slowly free up the breath and more. I think for you right now this is the most important practice. If you couple this with belly breathing and five tibetans which I think is perfect for you then you have a great practice. If you add to this the secret smiel preferably or the inner smile or six healing sounds (or all of them if you have time and don`t feel like you are psuhing yourself too much) you also have a way to directly work on your mental health. Try the secret smile first because it is the most powerfull. Regular breath based meditation I think is also very good for you. I also believe you probably really need rooting. Standing like a tree/embracing the tree with focus on having roots deep into the eart for 10-15 minutes a day will do this for you. Anything else that works on bringing you into your body will help you a lot. Work on basics for a long time and don`t bother to conciously work on opening orbits and advanced stuff for a good time yet.

 

If you have time and money I think Michale Lomax` (JA MU) stillness movment qigong could do you a world of good. You can learn the whole system in a workshop.

 

Cranio sacral therapy, rolfing and myofocial integration are good body therpies that could help. The feldenkrais method is also great.

 

Try to make a mix of practices therapy and training in being social that gives you slow steady results but do not over exert yourself. Give yourself time. By combing culitvation, good therapy and training in social interactions you will get what you want.

 

I hope you stay in this forum as I believe you can get good help from many people here.

 

Best of luck

[RyanO]

Wow awesome post markern.

[voidisyinyang]

Also Non the instinct to sneeze is from the cerebellum so just flex your third eye and that will keep you from having to sneeze.

[Non]

Thanks. I'm still reading this..

 

but about the pick up artist idea... I actually joined this forum called sosuave.com in my late high school years. I read that I needed to adopt a cocky and funny attitude and it was all about being a man, this and that, taking women off the pedestal, etc.

 

Now I agree with the being a man part, but that goes for any kind of self help program, that requires that one faces their fear. I didn't like the cocky attitude though. I did try it out for a while, and I did get some women interested but that just wasn't for me. I do think it's also kind of childish for women to like the badboy, more than the good guy, but it's also extreme. A badboy is just as extreme as the petty nice guy. Not all nice guys are petty, and not all men who are good with women have to be 'bad' in the sense that they are careless, and provocative, selfish, materialistic, are manipulative, don't care for monogamous relationships etc. etc.

 

So, I stopped reading into these things. It really is about Inner game, but then again I also don't like the whole "game" attitude. It's not a joke to me. It's not some kind of childish game either where you laugh at the losers, and carry an overly pompous attitude about how much of a "macho" man you are or how aggressive women let you be because, well you are granted with certain gifts and can manipulate women like a puppett almost. And those women who let themselves be played by this are probably messed up.

 

I haven't gone back to the PUA community, but I know that when I was into it, these are the ideas I had about it. Maybe it is more refined, etc. But even the idea of being a PICK UP artist, the title entails that you train yourself to pretty much get any and all women you desire, and perhaps, to get all women, or just, be promiscuous, casual, and non serious. You want to pick up women and tons of them. You are the "pick up artist."

 

Now learning social skills is different. I for one am different in that I am less of the devious, and aggressive type with women because I fear it might be disrespectful, and I'm not into just getting laid with many different women, and stepping on other peoples heads in the process. Even if it's to just get 1 girl. I don't agree that women have to make it so hard for men, and be so ignorant. I'm not at all overly materialistic. And that's how a lot of the PUA material comes off as devious overmaterialistic, darwinistic, etc. etc. and people buy into a "brutal reality game show" about how women are manipulating men and that we have to tell them "we won't take your sh*". To the point where, women actually agree that this is the way it should be so they test men, and treat them like sh*t to see the "real men" stand up to them. Do we really want to beat a woman? Do we have to be forced to? I mean metaphorically beating.

 

Soooo yea. And if it's all about confidence, that too I kind of disagree with. I mean, things can and should have some leeway. What if the person is actually a good guy, and he has just gone through many experiences whereby he now kind of believes that nobody likes him and will ever? It doesn't mean he's INFERIOR and WEAK and PUSSY, BETA etc. Get the point? Maybe it's a conceptual thing, or psychological thing he just doesn't have but it can be helped. What DOESN'T help is the rejection, and betrayal, and people who neglect him all the time, and leave him alone to fend for himself because "oh he needs to suffer more".

 

I mean yea confidence is good but is that the absolute decision maker? it shouldn't necessarily be. One can be confident, yet be totally off the mark or simply displays confidence and "authority" to make people like him or manipulate people, and steal fame, and glory when in actuality on the inside he is a different person and it's all just a big front.

 

As you can see I really dislike how some men can be such jerks and how some women actually support it/are jerks themselves. but some women follow blindly. some of them are ignorant. that's why in their 30s some go "wild", gee I wonder why. Men and women grow up differently. But women also want to be catty, ****es, whores, and men well, like dogs, a-holes and players, and both groups would feel justified, even to the point of thinking it's the absolutely right and just thing to do and moral. They can justify it with scientific evidence, etc. But monogamy can also be supported with scientific evidence.......

 

I dont agree with how people make it all out to be something devious. Why should sex be devious? Because of taboos placed on society? Such that now sexuality is devious, so one comes to expect men to be devious, or just really explicit because women make themselves so unapproachable so that only the most careless men can approach them?

 

 

 

just damn. this post is really long.

Edited November 16, 2009 by Non

[Non]

I guess also one of the biggest problems I have is not just the approach, but what to talk about and how?

 

Ive been doing a lot of standing meditation lately. maybe not everyday but surely. Like this one book called The Body Method by Jack Greenwood, and standing like a tree and the 3 ball standing meditation.

Edited November 16, 2009 by Non

[C T]

Hi there Non,

 

You are an intelligent and sensitive person, that i gathered from reading your posts. Thats a pretty good combination in my mind. But sometimes it can be a little frightening, because you get to see and feel things, and understand things that others around you with less sensitivity are not able to, hence the perception that somehow you don't seem to fit in. That's quite funny because when situations happen, sensitive individuals also have a tendency to relate to them in such a way that they are the ones who need to conform, and when that becomes realistically difficult, it can cause some pain and self-doubt.

 

The question i want to ask is why do you have to conform to other's opinions and perceptions of who you are? Why the need to measure yourself against other's expectations?

 

What about your own opinions, perceptions and expectations? Dont you think they are valid? Of course they are, in fact, more than anyone else's, as far as you are concerned. Now this does not mean that you arrogantly and forcefully disregard other people, because no good will ever come out of that, but there is a clear line that separates being assertive and being a jerk, and jerk you definitely are not (well, it did not show from your posts anyway).

 

You are looking to transform yourself. That is a powerful need. It has an energy behind it, and you ought to cultivate and channel this energy in a realistic, self-affirming way. Get a feel, a connection, a deep resonance, first of all, with this energy. Feel it, be intimate with it, and make it your friend and ally. You have to really feel this from deep within, and work with it from the inside out, that's where real and lasting change begins. Create some kind of a mental storage facility where you can direct the accumulation of this energy, and whatever strong emotional thoughts (which are what i call energy seedlings) arise in your mind, whether positive or negative, it does not matter -- mentally transform them all into pure light, and direct them politely and graciously to this 'storehouse'. So each time you feel some thought becoming overwhelmingly powerful and begin to express itself emotionally, do this exercise. Remember, once the emotion has been transformed into light, you have to be grateful for the transmutation, and invite it graciously to the storehouse. This is vital, because this practice allows your small self to align with your Higher Self, and the gratefulness and gracious invitations will activate the wisdom aspect of your Higher Self, which will then, in its own mysterious way, transform your being subtly and lovingly. (This graciousness and gratefulness is reciprocal in other words.)

 

You need to remember that it is not wise to purposefully generate powerful negative thoughts and emotions. In other words, do not go around creating situations where you know will lead to some kind of negative and explosive outcome just cos you want to accumulate the energy. It does not work like this, where negative energies are concerned. The beautiful flip-side of the picture is that you can do it purposefully with positive intentions, and manifesting situations and thoughts that will create positively explosive outcomes, and then

channel this to the mental energy storehouse. The more of this you create willfully, the faster your Higher Wisdom Mind will activate to restore a harmonious balance in your life.

 

Try this for 21 days and see how you get on. I am speaking from personal experience here. It really worked for me in a big way, and i sincerely trust it will also help you to reclaim your rightful place on this little planet..

 

One last thing Non.. Get a copy of Desiderata, and read it fervently and with belief, over and over, until you can even see the words manifesting in your dreams. Once this happens, thats a sign that your Higher Self is beginning to actualize Herself in your world.

 

In grateful appreciation for the openness and sincerity which you have in abundance, may they multiply and touch those whose lives are not as open and sincere.

 

Blessings, my friend.

Edited November 16, 2009 by CowTao

[mountainman]

There's a lot of good advice here so I'm just adding what has worked for me in the past.

 

Before I knew about different things like hypnosis and EFT I would just try and be mindful of myself when I heard myself thinking or saying negative things. I'd then begin a logical dialogue with myself along the lines of: "okay, how does this thought benefit me in the long term or short term?"

 

Sometimes I would discover the root of the negativity and for me it always seemed to be related to a self defense mechanism but the main thing was creating an awareness in myself that this line of thinking never benefited me really, either in the long term or short term.

 

Once I was clear on that, every time negative thoughts would come up I'd remind myself that this was not beneficial for me and over time my thinking gradually started to change until one day those thoughts wouldn't come up anymore. As my thinking changed, my feelings started to change too, eventually I realized my whole outlook on life had changed to a positive one.

[Non]

'll have to see about the CBT stuff. I was planning on seeing a psychologist. So many things to do so little time. And yoga nidra huh. I actually bought a book on ACT Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, called The Happiness Trap, and an ACT workbook kind of book. I only read the happiness trap, and about 75 percent of it almost. I stopped reading it because it seems as if they're just teaching what I already know, which is non-judging mindfulness. That doesn't stop the pain but it can stop one from dwelling on it so much.

 

Regards.

 

I'm tired I'm sorry I may post again on this topic at another time.

 

Peace

Edited November 16, 2009 by Non

[freeform]

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Edited December 18, 2019 by freeform