Dealing with negative people.

[Fox]

Guys,

 

I am so calm, level headed, peaceful and blissful on my own.

I am the same at college, around my friends, around my girlfriend.

 

However,

 

Coming home, I cannot stand it. My family are miserable, they whine, they complain, they judge. I just got told I laugh and smile too much, ...see what I mean? They bicker, they fight, and my mom constantly is complaining about depression and her "fucked up" life, that isn't fucked up whatsoever.

 

Their negative attitudes are wearing me down, I am finding myself frustrated, hurt, and downright angry when my siblings start trouble.

 

This is not like me.

 

How do you deal with people who suck away your good energy?

[lino]

Guys,

 

I am so calm, level headed, peaceful and blissful on my own.

I am the same at college, around my friends, around my girlfriend.

 

However,

 

Coming home, I cannot stand it. My family are miserable, they whine, they complain, they judge. I just got told I laugh and smile too much, ...see what I mean? They bicker, they fight, and my mom constantly is complaining about depression and her "fucked up" life, that isn't fucked up whatsoever.

 

Their negative attitudes are wearing me down, I am finding myself frustrated, hurt, and downright angry when my siblings start trouble.

 

This is not like me.

 

How do you deal with people who suck away your good energy?

 

http://books.google.com/books?id=XWNwewQBi...;q=&f=false

 

This is what I found out and am just starting to apply myself.

 

Don't shy away from negative attitudes, stand your ground, otherwise your cultivation is for nothing. Not from your own negative energy and not from another person's negative energy. Acknowledge their shortcomings and try to find out why they are "miserable, they whine, they complain, they judge". Use cause and effect to find the root and compassion will rise. If you don't think that you could move them "skillfully" to another manner of acting then try to be quiet and just learn how not to act.

 

Try to find the root cause of why you feel "frustrated, hurt, and downright angry". Your root cause is probably because you may not be patient. Acknowledge your own shortcomings, have some compassion for yourself and don't kick yourself, and try to learn from your own shortcomings and their shortcomings.

 

Remember that cultivation takes a while. If you fall into a bad mood, investigate the bad mood. That is how cultivators make their gains. At first, the negative energy will touch your core; but after a while it won't.

 

The best battlefield to test cultivation is life and your best and sharpest weapons are investigation, cause and effect, compassion, love, kindness, and TRUTH.

[Non]

Guys,

 

I am so calm, level headed, peaceful and blissful on my own.

I am the same at college, around my friends, around my girlfriend.

 

However,

 

Coming home, I cannot stand it. My family are miserable, they whine, they complain, they judge. I just got told I laugh and smile too much, ...see what I mean? They bicker, they fight, and my mom constantly is complaining about depression and her "fucked up" life, that isn't fucked up whatsoever.

 

Their negative attitudes are wearing me down, I am finding myself frustrated, hurt, and downright angry when my siblings start trouble.

 

This is not like me.

 

How do you deal with people who suck away your good energy?

 

in dealing with them, don't be negative. transmute it (if you're able) into positive energy. Also, beauty is in the eye of the beholder......

 

Also, take into consideration that negativity can also be rooted in the physical in the form of a physical disease. Perhaps maybe even astrally, or causally..

 

Do you know the technology that our government holds, and scientists? And our otherworldly neighbors? and astral neighbors?

Edited December 21, 2009 by Non

[goldisheavy]

Guys,

 

I am so calm, level headed, peaceful and blissful on my own.

I am the same at college, around my friends, around my girlfriend.

 

However,

 

Coming home, I cannot stand it. My family are miserable, they whine, they complain, they judge. I just got told I laugh and smile too much, ...see what I mean? They bicker, they fight, and my mom constantly is complaining about depression and her "fucked up" life, that isn't fucked up whatsoever.

 

Their negative attitudes are wearing me down, I am finding myself frustrated, hurt, and downright angry when my siblings start trouble.

 

This is not like me.

 

How do you deal with people who suck away your good energy?

 

Well, it's possible that your family has real grievances with life and that maybe if you understood their grievances you would understand their pain and wouldn't be so judgmental toward them.

 

It's also possible that your families grievances are mostly delusions. However delusion is like a sickness of the mind. What kind of attitude do you take toward sick people? Do you call sick people negative and avoid them? Or do you help them heal? Would you ever be a doctor to a person? If you never want to heal the sick, I think your positivity is nothing more than airheadedness and stupidity.

 

You know, positive people can be positive due to delusion too, right? Are you sure you're positive for a good reason and not because you have your head firmly buried in the sand?

 

Lots to think about.

[trailmaker]

Well, it's possible that your family has real grievances with life and that maybe if you understood their grievances you would understand their pain and wouldn't be so judgmental toward them.

 

It's also possible that your families grievances are mostly delusions. However delusion is like a sickness of the mind. What kind of attitude do you take toward sick people? Do you call sick people negative and avoid them? Or do you help them heal? Would you ever be a doctor to a person? If you never want to heal the sick, I think your positivity is nothing more than airheadedness and stupidity.

 

You know, positive people can be positive due to delusion too, right? Are you sure you're positive for a good reason and not because you have your head firmly buried in the sand?

 

Lots to think about.

 

gold et al - sounds like good counsel.

[awake]

accept them

 

cause you grew upw with them you have potential issues you havent dealt with

 

if you were not instantly struck with peace, surely you can call from the methods you used to get there?

 

if you were, surely you can call from the lessons youve learned since then?

 

peace is a feeling, that usually comes from understanding of the oneness of the universe, at least for me

 

i think you are diluting yourself, if you claim you have constant peace and actual bliss, yet people bring you down

 

'all that is exposed to the light, itself becomes light'

 

maybe they are just bringing you too far back into realizing that things aren't as you really wish/you are trying to change instead of accept - and you are abreacting against them,.

 

gl

[Encephalon]

If your plight is similar in any way to millions of other families, then you've got a significant challenge on your hands. I am reminded of my age when I begin to render suggestions; I was 25 in 1985, when John Bradshaw and his PBS series "The Family" started airing constantly and his books and speaking tours were all the rage. I take it for granted that EveryOne knows about John Bradshaw until I am reminded of another up and coming generation.

 

There are ample resources for dealing with dysfunctional families and codependency. An abundance of psychological and spiritual tools is perhaps one of the few advantages of this point in human history. The issue is beyond the scope of online chatrooms, including this one. The Taoist principles that you can learn about in here will serve you well, but don't imagine yourself removed from "the undifferentiated ego mass" that is the "family," in Bradshaw's lingo. You are part of that mass, and unforeseen problems can arise if you imagine yourself removed from it for an instant.

 

I'm sure every public library has the series on dvd, and you could certainly get the book by the same name.

 

Good luck with a huge subject.

[doc benway]

Guys,

 

I am so calm, level headed, peaceful and blissful on my own.

I am the same at college, around my friends, around my girlfriend.

 

However,

 

Coming home, I cannot stand it. My family are miserable, they whine, they complain, they judge. I just got told I laugh and smile too much, ...see what I mean? They bicker, they fight, and my mom constantly is complaining about depression and her "fucked up" life, that isn't fucked up whatsoever.

 

Their negative attitudes are wearing me down, I am finding myself frustrated, hurt, and downright angry when my siblings start trouble.

 

This is not like me.

 

How do you deal with people who suck away your good energy?

 

This is difficult stuff.

One possibility is communication.

Tell your family how much you love them (individually or in small groups is probably easier).

Let them know how painful their behavior is for you.

Be firm, specific, consistent, and compassionate.

Be prepared for defensive behavior. Nothing may change right away.

When they return to the unpleasant behavior, remind them of how it makes you feel.

Over time, they just may care enough to be more sensitive to how their behavior makes you feel.

Good luck.

[Trunk]

I was in my 20's and living on my own, studying with my first meditation teacher:

I told him that I'd be away at a certain time to go on a camping vacation with my mom, pop, siblings. His response: "Do whatever you have to do to stay conscious."

 

He didn't say, "Sounds like fun, camping!", "Have a good time" nor any of that. Here was a guy who was a trained and practicing psychologist and an extremely high level meditator.

 

Families are difficult. There's hard work and deep deep dynamics involved and very few people have a really functional family. Major schools of psychology are devoted to clarifying family life and dealing with the psychological aftermath.

 

...

 

Uh, where was I?

Can't say that I addressed your question directly,

but that's my two cents.

 

Trunk

[Ninpo-me-this-ninjutsu-me-that]

Guys,

 

I am so calm, level headed, peaceful and blissful on my own.

I am the same at college, around my friends, around my girlfriend.

 

However,

 

Coming home, I cannot stand it. My family are miserable, they whine, they complain, they judge. I just got told I laugh and smile too much, ...see what I mean? They bicker, they fight, and my mom constantly is complaining about depression and her "fucked up" life, that isn't fucked up whatsoever.

 

Their negative attitudes are wearing me down, I am finding myself frustrated, hurt, and downright angry when my siblings start trouble.

 

This is not like me.

 

How do you deal with people who suck away your good energy?

 

Your family sounds just like mine man!! Are you sure you're not my brother!

 

I think all the advice is good and I think it was Lino that mentioned if you can practice in the battlefield then it's good stuff and will stand you in good stead.

 

I would like to recommend to you the most effective technique I ever found of dealing with a depressive mother and family who like to shit on you because it makes them feel psychologically or energetically empowered(all be it for a brief moment)it's called 'Move out!'.

 

If possible do it. If not possible then try as best you can to turn everything they say into a positive, a ridiculous positive, for example "you smile too much" - "oh, you know that's just cos I'm so so very happy to see you!" then effect an even bigger stupid smile and walk away, " "your stupid!" - "yes I am, watch this!" then do a real stupid dance and walk away. It'll get right on their nerves, to the point where they will either think twice before dumping their shit on you in order to feel better of they will end up laughing.

 

If you can move out do so, 6 months plus and you'll feel great! Trust me on that, then they can't get you anymore, you go round to the house and they start again then it's 'bye bye, I got stuff to do', the only time they may truly be able to pin you down is Christmas. Don't think you can change them because it's highly unlikely that you can, compassion is a big trap where depressives are concerned, they love it and need it, but it won't change them until they realize themselves it's their own issues they need to face instead of dumping their sadness on others. I'm not saying don't love them, I'm not saying don't understand how it was they got to that stage(one day due to life's 'irony' you may just find yourself in the same position)but I am saying you can't change it and trying to do so to some degree will bring you down further.

 

Moving away from them can help you find your center and strength if you haven't already done that before, it will surprise you how much better you will feel. They may not be keen on it though.

 

Don't let the bastards get you down, yes they are your family and they brought you up and fed and clothed you, they deserve respect and love for that, but that is not equal to having the right to make your life a misery, that right they do not have! Consider this, once their favorite whipping boy is gone all that sadness/anger/pain or whatever has no outlet ie. 'you', they will only have a couple of choices, find another whipping boy or look and face it within themselves instead of externalizing it, then maybe they'll heal, or maybe they won't. You can't change a depressive into a non-depressive, seriously, you can't..... I tried for many years, it may seem I'm lacking a bit in the compassion department where this is concerned, but I used to be naturally compassionate, and I tried and tried and tried. It didn't do me any favours I can tell you, just made me worse and them too, in the long run.

 

Love 'em and leave 'em, then go back and visit on holidays.

[soaring crane]

 

I would like to recommend to you the most effective technique ... it's called 'Move out!'.

 

Love 'em and leave 'em, then go back and visit on holidays.

 

Although there is a lot of wisdom and valuable advice in the other replies, I have to agree with this, and I really got a kick out of this post because it feels so familiar to me, though my situation was completely different. No depressives but a couple genuine kooks who had a lot or power over me.

 

I want to add something: when you move out, move far out. A good distance (with me it took roughly 3,000 miles and one ocean), allows you to really view the situation as a whole, like viewing the forest instead of a small cluster of trees. Over time, you'll see the causes and effects that have been taking place the whole time, and they'll lose their power over you. You'll change, you'll grow in your own direction, drop a lot of baggage, find your center and settle down into it. Doesn't mean you'll have a wonderful life with nary a difficulty, but the issues with your family will recede, or at least fall into a less destructive perspective for you.

 

Also, there is no rule of law, natural or otherwise, that says we have to love our families. A lot of us put oursleves under too much pressure when we try to love according to form but we can't fake it forever, at some point we either have to admit the reality of the situation of wait for reality to come along and bite us in the ass.

 

edit: added the first statement that begins with "Although..."

Edited December 21, 2009 by soaring crane

[DalTheJigsaw123]

Guys,

 

I am so calm, level headed, peaceful and blissful on my own.

I am the same at college, around my friends, around my girlfriend.

 

However,

 

Coming home, I cannot stand it. My family are miserable, they whine, they complain, they judge. I just got told I laugh and smile too much, ...see what I mean? They bicker, they fight, and my mom constantly is complaining about depression and her "fucked up" life, that isn't fucked up whatsoever.

 

Their negative attitudes are wearing me down, I am finding myself frustrated, hurt, and downright angry when my siblings start trouble.

 

This is not like me.

 

How do you deal with people who suck away your good energy?

 

I'm having the same problems here.

Can you move out?

That is what I'm working on myself.

[soaring crane]

 

I'm having the same problems here.

Can you move out?

That is what I'm working on myself.

 

I know this beautiful little cottage available not far me, near a stream in a mountain forest between the German and Czech border...

 

What would that be for you? 6,000 miles? That'd work

[Gerard]

Walk away from them. Period. Your path is what matters in the end. Remember that in this life you are preparing yourself for death which could happen anytime. Time is precious and the more you dedicate it to work on your mind-spirit-body the better chances you have to escape Samsara or at least have a rebirth that allows you to continue with the process. If you subject yourself to your family's will and society's rat race then you are wasting that precious time.

 

Never let others dictate your spiritual path.

 

Humans easily forget that we are all alone.

 

Best of luck in whatever decision you may take.

 

 

Edited: missed a word.

Edited December 21, 2009 by durkhrod chogori

[RobB]

Try flipping the situation in your head.

 

Be grateful - this situation means that you will have no qualms about leaving - setting up on your own. Following your path. Imagine what a nightmare it would be to have a home where you loved to be and people were always pleased to see you and you all revelled in each others company. You would have no incentive to go a-wandering at all!

 

Always harder to get out of a warm bed!

 

One way to look at it.

 

Cheers

 

Rob

[Aetherous]

You can isolate yourself from your family, and be comfortable. Or you can stay near your family, and be constantly tested. Which do you think provides more opportunity for real spiritual progress?

[Unconditioned]

Scotty beat me to the punchline!

 

Avoiding a situation doesn't make it go away. My family is all over the country and while it's not as "in my face" as it was growing up at home, the problems and personalities are still there.

 

I've run into a lot of negativity with my wife and have tried a lot of approaches. Relationships are very complex but having an open perspective may help. Why are they negative? Bad day at work? Stressed out over money?

 

Also, your attitude, presense, and awareness of the situation are all major factors a relationship. Are you aware that your big smile in a room full of people that are upset could make them more upset (even if you are having a good day and they're not)? What's the root of YOUR frustration?

 

Edit: And why the need to practice in a cave (i.e., get away from everyone)? You can practice right now from this line of text, do you feel defensive?

Edited December 21, 2009 by Unconditioned

[therion]

Moving away is the best option if you are still extremely affected by the situation but only to learn that it solves really nothing. Yes, as was pointed out you will somehow attract (hate to use the term) people who will trigger the same responses within you. It has to do with approval seeking. Yeah, I know it sucks to hear this. Your mind probably blocks from your awareness all the ways you seek approval from your family. That's why they are able to get their hooks into you and shake you up leaving you feeling drained and hurt.

 

Work on increasing your power. Neigong is the name of the game. You are spending way too much time being distracted by the mind's content. Increasing your power through meditation and alchemy will get you out of your mind and into reality. As you get more connected to reality it will create certain internal changes deep within you. Virtue and compassion will come effortlessly, happening without any conscious thought. When you reach this stage nothing from the outside will disturb your shen. Then you will know and smile.