Has Anyone Faced Their Demons?

[dwai]

When i read this, it reminded of something Alan Watts said in his book, "The Meaning of Happiness".

He says, "The way of acceptance and spiritual freedom is found not by going somewhere, but in the

going itself, and the stage where its happiness can be known is now, this very moment, at the very

place where you happen to stand. It is in accepting fully your state of soul as it is now, not in trying

to force yourself into some other state of soul, which, out of pride, you imagine to be a superior and

more advanced state. It is not a question of whether your present state is good or bad, neurotic or

normal, elementary or advanced - it is a question of what it is. The point is not to accept it in order

that you may pass on to a 'higher' state, but to accept, because acceptance is itself that 'higher' state."

 

Every time i remember this, its like a little meditation bell going off in my head, reminding me to "bring

the mind home", and be fully present in the moment, instead of the usual scatterbrain-self that i

sometimes allow myself to be.

 

beautiful! thanks for sharing...

[C T]

beautiful! thanks for sharing...

Am deeply grateful to be able to share something worthwhile..

One step closer to being a servant of peace.

[Iyoiyo]

It's been one of my most important discoveries, or perhaps acknowledgments, to realize that everything inside is me. It's not that some parts are bad, some evil, but that everything just is. After this realization I found what has become one of my favorite quotes (because it so elegantly expresses most of what I discovered)

 

"If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?" - Alexander Solzhenitsy

 

So yes, I have faced my shadow. As weird as it sounds it's almost as if I've created two modes within myself, which I assume for different occasions. That does sound really weird now that I've written it, but it's basically true. You can't deny who you are, no matter what. If part of you is "evil" then so be it, that's the way things must be. You can never understand (if that's the right word) who you are if all you use to describe yourself, to yourself, are lies.

 

Some things are worth repeating no matter how worn: there has to be balance-- or rather: balance prevails. Whether we maintain constantly shifting balance, or allow vast tensions to build and break is something ever person controls. Would you rather the self flowed like a river, or would you dam it and wait for the flood?

[awake]

Thank you all for your very meaningful posts on the topic.

 

I was a little weary about asking this sort of thing, because I did not want to hear about people's results - I would think that it would create some expectations in me, and I do not want that out of this activity.

 

In fact I did unfortunately gain the expectation that something good will come of this, but I am working through that (it has a bad feleing also)

 

The fact that so many responses of encouragement, without mention of outcome, have risen from my call out, is inspiring, and motivating.

 

Especially the one about things getting worse before they are getting better.

 

Although, as I mentioned, I feel the feelings continually through my focus, not by remembering over and over the content which lead to the feeling, when I started (about a week and a half ago) what i was feeling was fairly non-intense, and though my outward awareness decreased a little (as it does, say for example when you smoke marijuana, which i no longer do), the feelings were not taking over that much - it was clearly me, observing and feeling them.

 

As they get stronger, they are taking over more of the perception, into a.. sadder one. Regardless, I am becoming more sensitive overall, to bad and to good. Actually I have had some relatively quite good (not the best) feelings since starting this, and I look to the comment made about worse before better in times when I am really feeling bad.

 

I looked into the book and the audiobook that was recommended here with an amazon link, and I sourced a copy of the audiobook. I listened to a bit of it, and already it seems as if he is wise. I do not think I am ready for the contents of it yet, as I do not like the concept of applying some action to "release" what is inside me - for now I am comfortable with just feeling those things.

 

I appreciate the comment about staying away from outside influences, and I notice myself yearning more now to watch tv, or listen to music (i have done a little of both, though overall less than usual). I also notice my ego is much more active in its quest to find conflict - i have no doubt this is at least in part what causes me to desire watching TV and music so strongly: I think it is searching for material to be re-programmed with. I am still fairly active in building my websites, though I have toned it down.

 

Mostly what I am doing is just feeling a feeling, and usually I don't do it for very long, as another one soon comes up and I feel them as they come. Actually this alternates fairly randomly based on my own judgement.. Sometimes I will have a thought and right after, catch the feeling of the thought (not when the thought comes, as I am still identified with thoughts = me, and I have many different voices in my head, most of which are not currently under my control) then feel that, or the same thing if its another feeling, and sometimes I will just keep with the original - I don't know which is better to do.

 

It is easiest for me to do this, actually on the bus. Watching the landscape pass by so quickly is a nice distraction for what i can only assume is my ego, while I focus inwards. Unfortunately, I cannot afford to do this a lot, and since it is Winter time, the only other places I have are the couch in the living room (which is shared by others who are often watching TV) and my bed - both of which places I often fall asleep during this practice, though I suppose that is simply a matter of practicing my focus.