I feel like I'm being targetted

[Non]

Note: I have posted this on thetaobums.com, abovetopsecret.com socialphobia.com and here.

 

I made this more relevant to my social anxiety for the Social Anxiety websites.

 

here it goes:

 

I feel like I'm being targetted by an evil force that wants to stop me. Everytime I plan for something good in my life, or am about to get somewhere, something happens to knock me off course. It feels personal, it very much seems personal, like a conspiracy. Like there is some extraterrestrial, or demonic force. "The Devil" I dont know what it is. A space-age technology used by the government (or who knows WHAT) to control people like me who know a lot, or have got potential. It's been making me crazy. And I'm absolutely alone, and I can't find anyone who I can couple with or relate with. I know too much. In fact, I know more than people who think they know too much. The problem is I don't even have much power, but I have some ideas, I have an extremely idealistic mindset, one that's uncommon or at least never really considered. perhaps potential which a cap has been placed on.

 

It's really driven me to the edge... back and forth, being suicidal, and then backing off, then again, then back, etc. etc. is this a test? What is this? Is this all MY own doing? is it the Supreme Universal Powers That Be? Am I so negative that I MAGICALLY attract negativity, moreso than anyone else?

 

Ever since I learned about the So called theory law of attraction (which most books can't even complete because it's all about money and conspiracy and disinformation) I learned to be even more careful with my thoughts, such that, now that I believe my negative thoughts have effect on my world, that they create even MORE effects? To the point of making me fearful of my own thoughts, which just amplify? I don't think anyone has had to deal with this, or at least as extreme as I have. At least other people can experience RANDOMNESS, in my life there isn't any sort of randomness. It's just pure downward spiral, and things not of my control at all. Something mysterious permeates my life...

 

Are my positive thoughts being so dumbed down that they literally have no effect or impression on my reality?

 

I sincerely have been doing my best not to seem like a victim and get over the victim consciousness, but it seems like I'm always being tested? To a point where I have to just instinctually, or subconsciously conclude that I am a victim? How could I not, I ask myself? When all I've eben doing is trying to get over it, but I have been seeing nothing else lately, nothing that could convince me otherwise. Even changing my thoughts, yet it has no effect on my life, or nobody else.

 

It seems like everything has been orchestrated, and set up to be against me. Is there such a technology that can alter a peice of your life, to make it so that in the end it's set up and orchestrated to make me fail, and just experience nothing but negativity, even if I do my best to be positive? I feel like I'm being silenced all the time, like I'm being repressed, held back, whatever. Is my aura being altered? Are my vibes being altered? Energy? It's not even something I can pinpoint exactly. It's a number of things. I don't have one problem, I have several, more than several. In fact my whole life is the problem. It's the state of the universe. I really don't know....

 

Of course I look crazy. Of course I seem to be insane.

 

What the hell?

--------------------

 

The relevance to my social anxiety?

 

This same sort of negativity is found in all attempts at being social. Especially with women. To me it seems like I am just invisible to everyone. It's like throwing a huge steak in front of a starving vicious animal and they don't even notice. Its like coming up from behind screaming in a persons ear and he/she doesn't even budge, or even noticed anything.

 

People don't even know they exclude me, yet they do in a very extreme and personal way. It's just mind-boggling.

Edited January 7, 2010 by Non

[Marblehead]

Hi Non,

 

First of all let me say that you are not alone because you have many of us here on this forum who are here to listen to you and talk with you when that is best.

 

There are people who would respond to your above by saying that apparently there are lesson in life that you have not learned yet and you are being presented the challenges you are because they are designed to be your lessons. No one else can help you learn your lessons. You gotta' do that on your own. But there are those of us who will offer incouraging words, suggestions where applicable, and we will walk with you until you find the path you should be on.

 

My strength and energy to you with your search.

 

Peace & Love!

[Aetherous]

Non,

 

Have you seen a psychiatrist yet?

[Mo Tzu]

When Thunder comes it makes the Earth shake. Following is a moment of calm. Karma is something all of us have gone through, are going through or going to go through. Do not be dispondent, continue daily to do good deeds until the karma is neutralised then your life will start to expand. Once expansion is happening to you do not forget to do good deeds but the pressure on you will be less and therefore you will naturally have more success. Something to remember is "no good deeds are wasted" but if you are impolite on your journey you can cancel them out. So tread on the Dragon's tail of karma carefully but surely, And remember your doing great so do not lose hope. Many blessings for the "WAY". Mo Tzu

[Non]

Perhaps things have been set up by "the evil powers that be" so that people like me become outcasts of society, and can't make it in this world.

 

When oh when will the cries of humanity be seen by our neighbors, by God? There are those of us who do try to do good and be good, are we ever heard?

[Martial Development]

Yes, probably a good idea to see a professional rather than, or in addition to seeking help from the Internet.

 

In the meantime, you might ponder the relationship between your idealism and "demonic forces". Consider their stances towards the world-as-it-is.

 

Many of the "successful" New Age idealists today are psychotic. It's just that they are also rich, so nobody cares.

 

Unfortunately, you are not rich, so...

[fiveelementtao]

I am baffled that no one on this forum has been more direct with you...

Non,

You are not being targeted by any evil force, nor is the government tracking your thoughts. You are no more important than anyone else on the planet. Having ideas and knowing things are not a threat to anyone. This is a fantasy. Your feelings are very extreme and not in line with reality. You need professional psychiatric help. Especially if you are having suicidal thoughts. Talking to faceless people on the internet is only going to increase your sense of isolation. You need real interaction with a flesh and blood professional therapist. No one is going to be able to give you any real meaningful help on this or any other forum. You sound very paranoid and delusional to me and I fear you may be a danger to yourself or possibly others... Seriously dude, get off the computer and get some real help....

Edited January 7, 2010 by fiveelementtao

[宁]

A 20 minutes walk in the park in the morning,

and 20 minutes of walking in the park in the evening,

by a lake, if possibly...

Nature can protect you, and cure the negativity, without charging a dime.

 

It's as easy as a walk in the park, Non.

[Marblehead]

When oh when will the cries of humanity be seen by our neighbors, by God? There are those of us who do try to do good and be good, are we ever heard?

 

Well, I can't say anything about your neighbors and as I don't hold to the concept of God I can't speak to that but I can say that since you have had a number of responses to your initial post you are being heard by many of us.

 

It almost sounds like you are judging yourself according to the expectations other have placed upon you. Don't know, just sounds a llittle that way.

 

Best Wishes.

 

Peace & Love!

[Ryan T.]

here it goes:

 

 

What the hell?

--------------------

 

It seems to me from what you have described is that you have some severe expectations of what life is supposed to provide for you. That in turn is leading to some serious resentments.

 

Remember: you are responsible for the input, not the outcome. You may wake up every day with your little plans for yourself and your life and your world but those plans have little to do with what things will end up as.

 

The fact that you are contemplating suicide(or have) in relation to these feelings speaks volumes. It sounds to me like you need to learn to live life on life's terms.

 

Like others have stated, you may want to consider some professional help. And that is not to say that the "demons of conspiracy" aren't plotting against you. They may well be. But I don't know if that is necessarily any different for anyone else. We just deal with it.

[markern]

I am baffled that no one on this forum has been more direct with you...

Non,

You are not being targeted by any evil force, nor is the government tracking your thoughts. You are no more important than anyone else on the planet. Having ideas and knowing things are not a threat to anyone. This is a fantasy. Your feelings are very extreme and not in line with reality. You need professional psychiatric help. Especially if you are having suicidal thoughts. Talking to faceless people on the internet is only going to increase your sense of isolation. You need real interaction with a flesh and blood professional therapist. No one is going to be able to give you any real meaningful help on this or any other forum. You sound very paranoid and delusional to me and I fear you may be a danger to yourself or possibly others... Seriously dude, get off the computer and get some real help....

 

I agree with this. Non, you have to go see a conventional therapist NOW. I have seen people in very bad situations start to develop thoughts like you are doing now and then taking it a step or two further and then they are in serious trouble. You must seek help NOW. THe longer you wait the harder it becomes to work yourself out of it. You, nor we are targeted by governments or evil forces. There are social strucures that are unfair in society, some people get a set of genes that makes their life much more difficult than that of others, some are born in unfortuante circumstances, some are unlucky, if you belive in karma maybe that is what deceides but there are no chips and noe evil devil forces plotting against individuals. Such beliefs coupled with dispair and depression and anxiety can tip you over into madness. Do not go there.

 

If you go see a therapist you will get help that can improve your life a lot. Long term there are stuff you can do that will fox the other aspects of your life that do not work now. Once you are in a bit beter shape you can start training social skills with an instructor from charismaars.com. THey are excellent and know what they are doing. I will pay for one phone or skype session with one the instructors for you so that you can try it out. I will also try to send you Jugglers ebooks if you PM me your email. Over the long term this WILL help you learn to interact with people and gain friends and eventually girlfirends and sex. Remmeber you did in fact have some success witht the cocky and funny stuff in gaining some attraction. You have seen that such stuff can help you learn what you need to get friends and girls. Understandably you did not like the cocky funny stuff because you put on a persona that is not yourself and you are a bit to rude when you do it. Jugler method is very different and does not require you to be anyone but yourself and is all about nice and "warm" interactions. But you need to get some things sorted out first before starting to work on this has any meaning. You HAVE to go see a psychiatrist and work on these beliefs and your depression and get a bit more stable. ONce you have done that I will gladly pay for a phone or skype session to let you have a taste of it.

 

YOu are already doing maritial arts stuff and qigong and meditation etc. THis is great long term and does objectively change your body in ways that balance the psyche and create confidence and meks it easier to be sociable and be liked. Keep this up but drop anything that is fancy or advanced because it can be dangerous where you are at now. Do stuff like dan tien breathign and embracing the horse and inner smile but don`t play with moving energy arround. Anyone in a situation like yours would not be stable enough to do that. You put your self in grave risk of making things worse. Also be carefull with the long term celibacy I seem to remember you are attempting. Do not go too far without ejaculating in your present situation. Just weeks or something.

 

A psychiatrist will be able to give you basic help. martial arts, qigong and meditation will help sort you out long term and charismaarts IS able to help you gain friends and girls. But you have to srt out the most fundamental stuff with a therapist now. Also try to maintain hope through the fact that these things can be overcome through the means I have described and you are already wrking quite diciplined on several. But as mentioned you need to sort out your perspectives.

 

Best of luck, I know you can do it.

[Iyoiyo]

[Non]

don't worry I do plan on getting therapy.

[markern]

don't worry I do plan on getting therapy.

 

I am glad to her it Non. Hang in there I know you can do it:)

[Aetherous]

don't worry I do plan on getting therapy.

 

When? You said that a couple months ago. Go this week.

[Guest paul walter]

Perhaps things have been set up by "the evil powers that be" so that people like me become outcasts of society, and can't make it in this world.

 

When oh when will the cries of humanity be seen by our neighbors, by God? There are those of us who do try to do good and be good, are we ever heard?

 

non, the secret is to not identify with the horror of daily life but to somehow just get on with it and to work at being above it all without being arrogant/self-deluded at the same time. I read recently from a respectable source that karmic issues can't even be a reliable guide to self-understanding for the person in contemporary society because human culture is SO screwed up that it confuses even that plane of existence. Much of what you talk of in your post is 'objective' reality in the sense that it is the outcome of the causal relationships that exist in our world at this moment in 'time'. But it is how we take it into our lives that makes us either go mad, thrive or cope with the lessons learned. Learning to be different in cultures that denigrate individuality is a hard lesson to earn for a lot of people who have views that become broader as life unfolds. It's simply not the case in a culture/society that people evolve in a linear fashion, in fact they are actively warned off such a trajectory, no matter what the educated middle class tell us. And no we don't live in the best of all possible worlds, and 'safe' concepts like humanism are in fact to blame for the horror you see rather than being there to 'serve' human beings....I could go on.

So- how to go on? I find having next to no expectations about what life should be about and minimising desire to be very helpful in avoiding dissapointment/victimisation. In theory this may appear somewhat brutal, but the more you practice it the humbler you will become and discover more of how the world (in the widest possible sense) really works-which of course includes your consciousnss as well and all it refracts/mirrors/creates. I'd be wary of psychiatry as an option for your 'problems'. There are much quicker/effective/more scientific things avilable if you want to take the responsibility and resolve to find and work with them? (cheaper too!). Hang in there-everything is in flux til you find the methods either internally or externally that will help you stabiize things. Paul

[Aetherous]

I'd be wary of psychiatry as an option for your 'problems'.

 

I'd be wary of strangers on the internet giving you advice for serious problems, which you obviously have trouble solving yourself.

 

To those who are saying that seeing a professional is a bad idea: do you want to be responsible for someone's suicide? Have some humility and admit that you don't know what you're talking about!

[Guest paul walter]

I am baffled that no one on this forum has been more direct with you...

Non,

You are not being targeted by any evil force, nor is the government tracking your thoughts. You are no more important than anyone else on the planet. Having ideas and knowing things are not a threat to anyone. This is a fantasy. Your feelings are very extreme and not in line with reality. You need professional psychiatric help. Especially if you are having suicidal thoughts. Talking to faceless people on the internet is only going to increase your sense of isolation. You need real interaction with a flesh and blood professional therapist. No one is going to be able to give you any real meaningful help on this or any other forum. You sound very paranoid and delusional to me and I fear you may be a danger to yourself or possibly others... Seriously dude, get off the computer and get some real help....

 

 

 

you probably can't see your blindness in this post either. I imagine Non is working class in which case most of his 'feelings' about life are very real and verifiable in his daily interaction, and quite objectively verifiable too. Of course the accumulated effect of such experience alters the minds equilibrium in a very negative way so you are right to advise him to get help somehere, though you do seem a little hysterical yourself by the end of your post. Paul

 

I'd be wary of strangers on the internet giving you advice for serious problems, which you obviously have trouble solving yourself.

 

To those who are saying that seeing a professional is a bad idea: do you want to be responsible for someone's suicide? Have some humility and admit that you don't know what you're talking about!

 

There's no proof the practice of psychiatry has any effective outcome on suicide rates but there is proof that anti-depressant/psych drugs cause a person to suicide. In that case everyone had better be careful o the advice they offer.Paul

[Aetherous]

Both of those claims are totally ridiculous.

[markern]

you probably can't see your blindness in this post either. I imagine Non is working class in which case most of his 'feelings' about life are very real and verifiable in his daily interaction, and quite objectively verifiable too. Of course the accumulated effect of such experience alters the minds equilibrium in a very negative way so you are right to advise him to get help somehere, though you do seem a little hysterical yourself by the end of your post. Paul

There's no proof the practice of psychiatry has any effective outcome on suicide rates but there is proof that anti-depressant/psych drugs cause a person to suicide. In that case everyone had better be careful o the advice they offer.Paul

 

 

I am no aware of wether there are specific studies that prove effectiveness with regards to suicide rates but there is a huge amount of very good studies showing cnsistent effectiveness in treathing anxiety, depression, phobias, various varieties of psychosis and so on. THe numbers for psychosis aren`t that good but what being the worst disorder that is no surprise. Still the results from treatment versus no treatment in the case of psychosis shows treatment to give a fair shot at getting well, at least when treatment is given early, whereas no treatment gives about zero chance of getting well.

[Aetherous]

I bet someone's going to come along and say, "no man it's true that psychiatric drugs cause suicide!"

 

Well, that's about the same as saying, "people who drive cars get in car accidents." The truth is that many more people drive cars just fine, and it's very useful to them...it's rare to get in a crash normally.

 

Same with the drugs. If it REALLY didn't work, they wouldn't use it. Because "they" are just like us...just normal people trying to help others.

[Martial Development]

Demons are not a problem, aliens are not a problem, government spooks and their technology are not a problem, and the world's denial of their existence is not a problem.

 

Your inability to live your life regardless, is your one and only problem.

.

.

.

That, and maybe reading this forum. Seriously, some of these folks are totally crazy!

[River Gazer]

Yo, I get what your saying Non. The world is at least weird that way.

 

If you look even a bit weird, your dangerous. If you talk about anything but your shait work day, you're insane. No offense to any onlookers, but people are shallow and stupid. The average value of a normal persons daily thoughts is in between a ring of caps to fresh spit.

If you've had even one revelation in your life, you are, by depth of mind, a hundred times more valuable than the average person.

 

People aren't even stupid in truth... They're smart enough technically, but they are beyond shallow. Some people have never spent a days worth of free-range pondering in their life.

 

Call this a unique opinion. Maybe its of value, maybe it'll just make you feel better about yourself. Whatev'. No loss to me

[ShaktiMama]

I am baffled that no one on this forum has been more direct with you...

Non,

You are not being targeted by any evil force, nor is the government tracking your thoughts. You are no more important than anyone else on the planet. Having ideas and knowing things are not a threat to anyone. This is a fantasy. Your feelings are very extreme and not in line with reality. You need professional psychiatric help. Especially if you are having suicidal thoughts. Talking to faceless people on the internet is only going to increase your sense of isolation. You need real interaction with a flesh and blood professional therapist. No one is going to be able to give you any real meaningful help on this or any other forum. You sound very paranoid and delusional to me and I fear you may be a danger to yourself or possibly others... Seriously dude, get off the computer and get some real help....

 

 

Well said...

I speak as an licensed RN who also does psychiatric case management for children,adults, and the elderly. I also counsel a lot of people through spiritual crisis or emergency which often is precipitated by kundalini.

 

There is no shame in using medication when you are in an acute phase of an illness. There is no shame in going to get therapy.

 

Meditation, yoga, and chi gung can make these symptoms worse unless you are working with an expert who knows what they are doing. Even modern medical qigong docs will not take in treatment, if they are ethical, patients who are having your symptoms without being in some sort of cooperation with a psychotherapist. Do not take advice from faceless people of the internet who may not have any professional qualifications.

 

It sounds like you are in an acute phase of an illness. This requires more intensive, focused treatment until the acute phase is passing. The fact that you are not following a reasonable path, ie. getting treatment, tells me that your illness is in an acute phase.

 

Traditional western medicine is not without it's pitfalls and hazards but that is true of any health tradition but when things are so out of balance...you need the big guns not subtle energy work.

 

Go today and get help.

[Iyoiyo]

Yo, I get what your saying Non. The world is at least weird that way.

 

If you look even a bit weird, your dangerous. If you talk about anything but your shait work day, you're insane. No offense to any onlookers, but people are shallow and stupid. The average value of a normal persons daily thoughts is in between a ring of caps to fresh spit.

If you've had even one revelation in your life, you are, by depth of mind, a hundred times more valuable than the average person.

 

People aren't even stupid in truth... They're smart enough technically, but they are beyond shallow. Some people have never spent a days worth of free-range pondering in their life.

 

Call this a unique opinion. Maybe its of value, maybe it'll just make you feel better about yourself. Whatev'. No loss to me

 

River gazer is exactly right. Do you know how insane most reserved of us here appear to the general public? When it comes to mental health I think it's important to value your own opinions instead of listening to a dude tell you how to "fix" yourself. No offense to those who might take it, but does anyone really believe that by going to school for a couple years one becomes capable of resolving problems older than time?

 

I guess I can't articulate precisely what I mean. Just be careful about putting your problems into somebody else's hands. I don't believe that practicing qi gong would be dangerous to you in your state. This whole discussion screams of a hidden underlying problem which I can't see. Others can help to an extent, but the person who understands you best will always be you, if you take the time to look.