Is it possible to change?

[lifebythedrop]

I'm basically typing this to work it out in my own head, but i would love some advice.........

 

I am a 26yo male and my girlfriend is only 20. I feel as though I am ready to settle down and be with one person. She claims to feel the same way and tells me she loves me and that she only wants me. She is very beautiful, and I think that has a lot to do with why i like her so much, but i also love her spirit and her personality and the way we interact day-to-day.

 

The problem is that she is very lustful over other guys. She will tell me straight to my face that my friend is hot, for example. It makes it very hard for me to treat/trust her the way that I like to treat females. I find myself becoming jealous and insecure. Is it possible that she actually means what she says when she says she loves me, and that she just plain can't help her desires? She told me she has cheated in previous relationship by kissing other guys "but never sex."

 

I'm not claiming to not know how she feels. It's natural, and she is young. I still think about other girls probably daily, but when i weigh the pro's and con's of lust and cheating i choose to stay faithful. I like to know that i will have someone to come home to every night, not just a random screw here and there. I personally have never slept with anybody else while in a relationship. I've been cheated on, hate the feeling, and wouldn't want to hurt someone like that. She told me she would cheat if she knew she wouldn't get in trouble... Selfish much??

 

Is it possible that this girl is the definition of evil, and that I am actually becoming more evil by enjoying the fruits of my own lust for her?? Is she a succubus? lol

 

It seems like she wants more of an open sexual relationship while still being together, but I don't really see her being able to keep her heart out of said encounters like "swingers" do. I know i probably couldn't.

 

Doesn't that undermine the very idea of being in a relationship with someone in the first place???

 

This relationship is pretty new. We broke up once and i don't even want to know how many people she slept with in that time. Is there some steps i can take to convince her that what she's doing is wrong and dangerous??

 

Also, why do i like this girl so much when it is so stressful to keep her in check? It shouldn't be this hard, right?? She was born in 1990. Thats probably the problem. LOL.

 

She is kind of a tough egg to crack, and i think that is part of her appeal to me. I want to be the one that gets her to settle down. I get the feeling that this will all end on some shady stuff that she does. Should I just cut my losses now? I feel like if i do stay with her I won't be able to put my entire heart in it, and if I do I feel like I'm probably just setting myself up for disaster.

 

I've never really been the player type. I just want to have a good relationship. I finally find someone who i can truely get along with most of the time, but there's this huge problem of her basically being uhm... loose(?)

 

Help with any of these questions would be nice.

[Aetherous]

She is saying those things, and I think it means "I love you and am having fun, but give me space!" She is very nice, and you should take the hints!

 

Guess it's not time to settle down just yet. And is it ever? Life and love are challenges...it would become boring if it were ever easy! She is doing you a favor by not being boring. If she were boring, you'd end up dumping her...and then who would be the "evil" one?

 

This is what I think: girls usually try to motivate us guys towards a better life. If you're finding your girl very challenging, it's because she knows that you need a challenge in order to step more fully into your role as a man.

 

For instance, it's not manly: to be worried about getting your heart broken, to be considering dumping the girl that could be "the one" for you, desiring to use her so that you can have your good stable relationship, instead of caring about what she (the one you want to spend the rest of your life with) wants.

 

Basically, you're not fully "cooked" yet and need more time in the "oven" before she is willing to give up her desires for you. You need more experience, and clarity in what you want/reality. I think she senses this about you, and is letting you know that as long as you're not ready, then neither is she.

 

You're right...to propose to her or something right now, would be quite the risk.

 

That's how I see it...but I'm also projecting quite a bit, so it's just something for you to consider. Maybe I'm wrong.

 

Good luck and I wish you the best.

[SFJane]

You are 26 and she is 20. There is no shortage of people on this earth right now so there is no need to be in a hurry to settle down and or breed. At your ages you should be screwing like animals and just worry about becoming mature adults.

 

I've always been pretty forward and candid with people I was in a relationship with. If you find someone you'd rather fuck than me, please by all means pursue them. And tell me about it, so there is no deception, and you'll have my blessing.

 

The problem with LTR is that you are committed to one set of genitals. Once that happens every other set of genitals becomes forbidden fruit or undiscovered country begging to be explored. So explore now. Because you are going to change as time goes on.

 

You may find that in a few short years you've changed so much that you can't even imagine being attracted to girls like her because your tastes have changed. Even if being committed to one set of genitals doesn't sound daunting you are both still going to change and she may outgrow you in a few years.

 

There is no hurry. Learn to be happy all by yourself first and get sexually sated so you don't feel like your wasting your prospects for sexual exploration by not feeding at the buffet table when you had a chance.

[Birch]

SF Jane. I WISH you'd been around to tell me this at 21. Anyway, I suspect it's good advice for all ages

[de_paradise]

Great SF Jane, love it. However people generally dont take advice unless it corresponds to what they already are incline to do, and he is inclined to pine over her.

 

Welcome to the human drama. You are a broken heart in the making boy, she is unconsciously drawing you in and gaining power over you, you go willingly in the hope of possessing her, even when she has foreshadowed what she will do, and yes, untamed people are extremely alluring and addictive. Ha ha. You are screwed. Sorry, just enjoy it man, human existence at its best.

[TheSongsofDistantEarth]

Beautiful twenty year old females have an enormous amount of power. This begins to fade rather quickly, depending on lifestyle and genetics, usually by the late twenties there are other, fresher faces and bodies and she is not totally "it" any longer. But imagine the power these young women feel, with men of all ages, especially powerful and successful men, going soft for them. They feel their power, the smart ones know it won't last, the grounded ones can mostly ignore it. But think about it. If you had that same power, with women of all ages throwing themselves at you at age 20, would you want to settle down for a one-on-one? Enjoy the ride, knowing that she may leave at any time...

 

The paradox: if she senses you clinging, it will push her toward other guys... if you can 'take it or leave it' without clinging, you will be drawing her closer to you.

[King Kabalabhati]

Yeeah, in the real world the dynamics seems to be that the more you cling to her, the wilder she will get.. hehe. So build your own magnetic field by being stronger within yourself and dissolve all neediness for her. No, it's not easy, it can be fucking horrible, been there

 

This may mean she ends up leaving, which she would have anyway. Or she might feel much more attracted to your masculine independence. But basicly you shouldn't give a shit. This will be possible with practice.

 

 

BTW if you haven't already studied David Shade's material I suggest you check it out. If not to keep this woman, then to keep the next good one. And if not to keep any woman, then just to educate yourself

[Guest paul walter]

I'm basically typing this to work it out in my own head, but i would love some advice.........

 

 

You are headed for disaster. Paul.

[King Kabalabhati]

You are headed for disaster. Paul.

 

He's probably realised that by now..

[King Kabalabhati]

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Edited March 24, 2010 by King Kabalabhati

[Orochi]

The deceitful character of the world comes out in the following ways. In the first place, it pretends that it will always remain with you, while, as a matter of fact, it is slipping away from you, moment by moment, and bidding you farewell, like a shadow which seems stationary, but is actually always moving. Again, the world presents itself under the guise of a radiant but immoral sorceress, pretends to be in love with you, fondles you, and then goes off to your enemies, leaving you to die of chagrin and despair. Jesus (upon whom be peace!) saw the world revealed in the form of an ugly old hag. He asked her how many husbands she had possessed; she replied that they were countless. He asked whether they had died or been divorced; she said that she had slain them all. "I marvel", he said, "at the fools who see, what you have done to others, and still desire you." [imam Al Ghazzali]

[Uncle Screwtape]

She is kind of a tough egg to crack, and i think that is part of her appeal to me. I want to be the one that gets her to settle down.

 

And if you do get her to settle down, will she lose her appeal? Plus, should you really be trying to keep any woman 'in check'? Have enough respect to let a woman be what she really is and not what you want to shape them into. If you don't like her as she is, you have a decision to make.

 

Richard

[三江源]

She's 20, and she is very attractive and very sexually responsive to hot guys around.

 

Guess what's going to happen.

 

 

 

I suggest you become the hottest guy around, that means really meeting her deeply and offering your most open heart and genuine presence, and being the lover she needs.

 

She will at her age and temperament inevitably need to go sipping and tasting anyway. Maybe she will find you are, after all, the one that matches her best. If that is the case.

 

Good luck with this stuff of life.

[Mal]

I suggest you become the hottest guy around, that means really meeting her deeply and offering your most open heart and genuine presence, and being the lover she needs.

 

Yes.

 

My recommendation on how to do that is to read The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida

[SFJane]

SF Jane. I WISH you'd been around to tell me this at 21. Anyway, I suspect it's good advice for all ages

 

HA! I wish I had been around to tell me this at age 18 when I thought I had met THE ONE. Ten years later I couldn't imagine myself chasing someone like that.

 

However people generally dont take advice unless it corresponds to what they already are incline to do, and he is inclined to pine over her.

 

I know, I know, but still...

 

It used to be so simple. Sixteen year old boy could meet fourteen year old girl and they would be adults. Their parents having perished due to Cholera or small pox or Indian raids or something. But the girl knows how to pluck and dress a chicken, how to sew hides and weave and do basic cooking for her man. The boy would know how to make a basic earthen hut or log cabin and how to rotate crops, slaughter hogs and when the best time to hunt venison was. They were grown up at that age back then and if they were literate and sophisticated they might have had a bible.

 

Now, we need like two decades of school and huge amounts of socialization before we are even slightly grown up. Knowledge and information about culture, religion and philosphy is easy to come by now. It's so easy for people to grow and change in a very short time. People go off and do some time in the military or peace corps or maybe they join a commune or go on a spiritual quest to either find or lose their religion. With so much potential to grow and change your tastes in people are going to change to! So it's cute but quaint to get infatuated with someone and want to settle down early in life. A throwback to a time when people changed very slowly and were not exposed to new ideas and theologies or spiritual paths.

 

I am the offspring of divorced parents who married when they were 18 and 20 respectively and they didn't last long. Both of my parents have been divorced and remarried more than once. And why? Whatever happened to the days when our grandparents would celebrate their silver and golden anniversaries?

 

The truth is, if you asked my mom and dad why they are not together, thirty years after the fact, they'd tell you they couldn't stand to be in the same room with each other! What happened to all the love and lust? They changed as people. My dad went to college and he changed very quickly as a person. My mom sat and prayed with the rosary in her spare time and sooner or later they were having philosophical and theological arguments about how to raise their children and on and on it went until they got divorced.

 

I learned my lesson and after the Big Giant False Alarm at the age of 18 when I thought I had met my OMGSOULMATE. I stopped trying to find LTR and just started playing the field and it was not until my early 30s when I seriously gave thought to settling down because I had settled down as a person. I matured to the point where I could be there for someone. I had had so much crazy sex with so many interesting people that I felt like I overindulged at the buffet and I have no regrets that I didn't 'sip and taste' enough when I had the chance. I could still sip and taste if I wanted but I don't want to anymore! lol. It's enough that I've had more sex than my mom, dad, brothers and sister combined. Aquarius ftw.

[RyanO]

Romantic relationships are clearly a very difficult and important part of our lives.

 

I generally agree with the advice given here, especially the parts about being self-reliant and not needy. When one is fully happy being single they are better able to handle relationships.

 

It is important to have similar goals and be compatible. The fact that she told you she would cheat on you is clearly a warning sign.

 

However, you have expressed that you want a relationship. As such, I don't think the advice to sow your oats while you can is necessary. Rather, find someone else who also wants a lasting relationship and is compatible. Obviously this is not the easiest thing, but it is important.

 

I have found this site:

 

http://www.reuniting.info/

 

to be very telling about why relationships fail, besides your standard 'oh they weren't compatible,' or 'they weren't really in love'. BS.

 

Much could be said about the topic and the website and corresponding book do a good job. Suffice it to say she gets into biological theory, much like the Pickup Artists do (www.fastseduction.com) but takes a different route with this knowledge. Many PUAs seek to become alpha males in MLRs (multiple long term relationships).

 

Because as mammals we are biologically hardwired to not be monogamous, if this is what we desire, we need to overcome our biology. Question if that is really what you want. If it is, I recommend the reuniting site. If not, check out fast seduction.

 

I wish you the best of luck either way.

[King Kabalabhati]

In reply to the question in the topic, a short story:

 

I had a wife I felt great passion towards. But she wanted to sleep with another guy. I said go ahead. Then she said she can't live with me anymore. That was the heaviest crisis I can recall. I felt all kinds of negative feelings. I decided to forgive her and stay friends since we have children together.. It's been 8 months and I now feel clear of the anger, jealousy, bitterness, etc. And I feel stronger than ever, everything is better..

 

So yes, it's possible to change..you.

 

I guess I should add that a while ago the ex-wife proposed that we move in to live together again. I said no, don't want to live in the same household with her.. haha, when she left I would've done whatever to get her back, now, even though I still love her and feel great desire for her when she's around, I know what's good for me and what's not, so no thanks..

 

Peace&blessings

[Mal]

[Creation]

Yes.

 

My recommendation on how to do that is to read The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida

Deida on youtube:

 

Highly recommended. Watching him really shifts my energetic state.

[Nanashi]

If a murderer stops murdering, is he still called a murderer?

 

The seasons change, but the pattern of changing seasons does not.

 

Ha, the realm of philosophy is slippery-- psychology is just tricky.

 

Hard to say if people ever change, or if their habits/desires lie dormant, growing in power from latency.

 

I guess that doesn't really help, heheh.