Two forms of homesickness

[hagar]

Lately I've become aware of a certain subtle fear coming from glimpses of what could be called a greater reality, or truth.

 

It boils down to an experience of leaving "home", and yet returning "home". This is difficult, and probably meaningless to express into words.

 

The nature of the experince is one of fearing to fall out into space, of not feeling that your Self is familar anymore, and also feeling that there's no way of going back to the old sense of self. So in a way its a feeling of two forms of "homesickness".

 

What is frightening about it is the feeling of complete unfamiliarity, of not knowing, of the great silence, in a way. This silence is most intimate yet also alien. And its a feeling of not having a place to stand, yet at the same time of a complete undermining of any relevance to most aspects of my "conventional" life.

 

This happened after I met my master the last time, and I have almost been unable to do my work, to think and to plan. Probably silly to try to explain. Best analogy is when you know you any time soon are leaving on a long journey, and what you do in the kitchen right before is of no significance. But at the same time you miss home allready before you leave.

 

Best I could do to try to explain.

 

Anyone here had anything remotely similar in their experience or on their path.

 

bla bla-...

 

h

[thelerner]

You explain it well. The kitchen metaphor is good.

 

We Do the practice for years, incorporate it into our lives and thinking..build it up.

 

When it becomes bigger then us, outweighing our ego, it whispers 'Change'. In time the whisper becomes louder.

 

'Change what?' we ask.

 

'Everything' it answers, and that is very scary.

 

 

 

Michael

[dwai]

Lately I've become aware of a certain subtle fear coming from glimpses of what could be called a greater reality, or truth.

 

It boils down to an experience of leaving "home", and yet returning "home". This is difficult, and probably meaningless to express into words.

 

The nature of the experince is one of fearing to fall out into space, of not feeling that your Self is familar anymore, and also feeling that there's no way of going back to the old sense of self. So in a way its a feeling of two forms of "homesickness".

 

What is frightening about it is the feeling of complete unfamiliarity, of not knowing, of the great silence, in a way. This silence is most intimate yet also alien. And its a feeling of not having a place to stand, yet at the same time of a complete undermining of any relevance to most aspects of my "conventional" life.

 

This happened after I met my master the last time, and I have almost been unable to do my work, to think and to plan. Probably silly to try to explain. Best analogy is when you know you any time soon are leaving on a long journey, and what you do in the kitchen right before is of no significance. But at the same time you miss home allready before you leave.

 

Best I could do to try to explain.

 

Anyone here had anything remotely similar in their experience or on their path.

 

bla bla-...

 

h

 

 

yes...the "greater reality" has an uncanny way of shaking the foundations of your mind, intellect...

the key I think is in not mulling over it too much...it will pass

 

 

[Aetherous]

My view is that these fears and other emotions are meaningless, and can be eradicated through practice. It is just residual energy being released, and thoughts being created from it...seems like a real story is happening (I am losing my self!) when really, what changes? Your body is always here on Earth. You are always who you've been, before and after any kind of awakening...

 

The fear just transforms into some other feeling, like excitement about life (it's an adventure)...or simply like pure "emptiness" flowing (you get used to the adventure).

 

The spiritual path feels like a journey but that's just an assumption of the mind...everything is always here. The mind just sort of has to catch up to the truth.

[hagar]

You explain it well. The kitchen metaphor is good.

 

We Do the practice for years, incorporate it into our lives and thinking..build it up.

 

When it becomes bigger then us, outweighing our ego, it whispers 'Change'. In time the whisper becomes louder.

 

'Change what?' we ask.

 

'Everything' it answers, and that is very scary.

 

 

 

Michael

 

 

Funny you should say that Michael. I've subconsciously seen it all as a going higher, reaching, falling, trying again, reaching again. Like a climb. Yet this is definately the opposite.

 

h

[hagar]

yes...the "greater reality" has an uncanny way of shaking the foundations of your mind, intellect...

the key I think is in not mulling over it too much...it will pass

 

Yes it will pass. I know.

[hagar]

My view is that these fears and other emotions are meaningless, and can be eradicated through practice. It is just residual energy being released, and thoughts being created from it...seems like a real story is happening (I am losing my self!) when really, what changes? Your body is always here on Earth. You are always who you've been, before and after any kind of awakening...

 

The fear just transforms into some other feeling, like excitement about life (it's an adventure)...or simply like pure "emptiness" flowing (you get used to the adventure).

 

The spiritual path feels like a journey but that's just an assumption of the mind...everything is always here. The mind just sort of has to catch up to the truth.

 

Even science now tells us that we're hard wired to grasp reality through stories and metaphor. If not, things would not make sense to us. So what my stories tell me is that I'm feeling sentimental. But in the greater picture they are as meaningful as a fart in a hurricane.

 

What I wasn't prepared for is that the more this goes on, the more things affect me, the rawness of the experience. Its a discovery not so much of attachement, but of abandoment. Like when the rats jump ship before it goes down.

 

h

[doc benway]

I've had feelings similar to what you describe. For me it seemed to be related to a loss of security.

That feeling of self and the normal day to day reality provides a certain predictability and security, albeit artificial.

Opening up to reality means letting go of certain conventions and accepting unpredictability.

Eventually the lack of security becomes less uncomfortable for me because of the understanding of the fact that there is no security, only illusion. Tough to use words for this stuff...

[Ya Mu]

Lately I've become aware of a certain subtle fear coming from glimpses of what could be called a greater reality, or truth.

 

It boils down to an experience of leaving "home", and yet returning "home". This is difficult, and probably meaningless to express into words.

 

The nature of the experince is one of fearing to fall out into space, of not feeling that your Self is familar anymore, and also feeling that there's no way of going back to the old sense of self. So in a way its a feeling of two forms of "homesickness".

 

What is frightening about it is the feeling of complete unfamiliarity, of not knowing, of the great silence, in a way. This silence is most intimate yet also alien. And its a feeling of not having a place to stand, yet at the same time of a complete undermining of any relevance to most aspects of my "conventional" life.

 

This happened after I met my master the last time, and I have almost been unable to do my work, to think and to plan. Probably silly to try to explain. Best analogy is when you know you any time soon are leaving on a long journey, and what you do in the kitchen right before is of no significance. But at the same time you miss home allready before you leave.

 

Best I could do to try to explain.

 

Anyone here had anything remotely similar in their experience or on their path.

 

bla bla-...

 

h

This is quite common. Many back off the path or leave society. But keep on chopping wood and carrying water - this too shall pass.

[C T]

This sense of being is quite the norm really after one has been on the path a while. Its the same as when one takes a physical journey to a new destination. Halfway on, one will more than likely experience something resembling this - a kind of anticipation, fear, loathing, exhilaration, unsureness, all rolled into one at times, and then at other times seem to hit like huge waves, one after another. Even after arriving, this state will persist for quite a while, so be prepared. One needs then to learn to adjust and settle in. The fact of the matter is that at every moment during the course of one waking day, and even in dreams sometimes, these sensations are present. But most do not see it, or choose not to, preferring the easier route of getting mired in distraction after distraction and on and on, until one day they find themselves at the end of the road, with the best music still to be played.

 

What your teacher have revealed to you is a heightened sense of awareness, which now allows you to recognize these ever-present sensations, and yes, it can be rather daunting at times, quite like being in a big hall, standing right smack in the midst of the biggest philharmonic orchestra playing the grandest ever piece of composition, parts of which lifts you up to the heavens and then at other times, silence, and yet again, at times drags you to the lowest low. Disoriented, we frighten ourselves with our own imaginings, but when bearings are found, it becomes easy to enjoy the music... hell, we may even learn to conduct after a while, taking charge when the 'other' conductor gets a bit worn..

 

I am reminded here of a popular saying among contemplatives - Before one embarks on the spiritual path, mountains are mountains, rivers are rivers; once on the path, mountains and rivers do not appear like mountains and rivers all the time; when awake, mountains will again be SEEN as mountains, and rivers will again be SEEN as rivers.

 

When i first heard this, it really bugged me - and one of the first associations i had with it was with tea-drinking haha! I reflected how i had been taking this simple act for granted, when in some cultures it can be such an important ritual, so then i made the effort to be more mindful of this, and then i became even more disoriented - went thru a phase where emphasis was put so much on being aware of the process that the actual purpose of the act was oftentimes overlooked or forgotten, but now, the joy of it is almost spontaneous most of the time, that is when awareness is directed towards the act - its very nice when this is happening, but when it does not, its also nice, because it means i can notice the lack of attention, and it awakens the mindfulness again, so thats helpful.

 

Don't worry too much. As the others have said, it will pass - but even if it does not, so what? Just flow with it, and see what the next tune brings... Everything is movement, after all.

Edited May 29, 2010 by CowTao

[Apech]

If that feeling does pass, then you would have to ask yourself ... have I settled back down to the ordinary? or have I moved on to a new level of understanding and being. I would savour this feeling and love the uncertainty ... its a gift.

[Guest paul walter]

Just stick with it-it's a momentous thing-it marks the stage where you either move "through" your current state or get "stuck" and keep on hitting the wall (that is of your own minds making). Give in to what you are experiencing and it will pass sooner. You are right-everything will change (for the better) but your ego will be shit-scared of "dying" til the "real you" replaces it. You may want to give up much of your current lifestyle to make the transition easier. It's all good (even the 'pain' of transition--which can be seen as useful simply by realising pain is blocked energy and blocked energy ios 'wrong' energy, therefore to be cast off ,therefore a message to you). In solidarity, Paul.

[三江源]

Lately I've become aware of a certain subtle fear coming from glimpses of what could be called a greater reality, or truth.

 

It boils down to an experience of leaving "home", and yet returning "home". This is difficult, and probably meaningless to express into words.

 

The nature of the experince is one of fearing to fall out into space, of not feeling that your Self is familar anymore, and also feeling that there's no way of going back to the old sense of self. So in a way its a feeling of two forms of "homesickness".

 

What is frightening about it is the feeling of complete unfamiliarity, of not knowing, of the great silence, in a way. This silence is most intimate yet also alien. And its a feeling of not having a place to stand, yet at the same time of a complete undermining of any relevance to most aspects of my "conventional" life.

 

This happened after I met my master the last time, and I have almost been unable to do my work, to think and to plan. Probably silly to try to explain. Best analogy is when you know you any time soon are leaving on a long journey, and what you do in the kitchen right before is of no significance. But at the same time you miss home allready before you leave.

 

Best I could do to try to explain.

 

Anyone here had anything remotely similar in their experience or on their path.

 

bla bla-...

 

h

 

Hi sweetie.

I know what you mean, you put it very well.

I dont have the fear bit. I have the 'goodbye' feeling. You know like when you left school, the last day there. When you left college and knew it was finished,that life of just being a student. Those kind of feelings come into mind, and yet they are very echoey and ghostlike because those feelings belonged to a different self. It's like I remember those feelings and they are in a file that would be deemed appropriate to now, but having those feelings at all isnt quite necessary any more, so it's a whisp of a possibility, a look at an old menu, but no hunger.

[hagar]

Hi sweetie.

I know what you mean, you put it very well.

I dont have the fear bit. I have the 'goodbye' feeling. You know like when you left school, the last day there. When you left college and knew it was finished,that life of just being a student. Those kind of feelings come into mind, and yet they are very echoey and ghostlike because those feelings belonged to a different self. It's like I remember those feelings and they are in a file that would be deemed appropriate to now, but having those feelings at all isnt quite necessary any more, so it's a whisp of a possibility, a look at an old menu, but no hunger.

 

Thank you all for wonderful feedback. Its a topic after all!

I'd settle for saying that what you all respond with puts a clarification for me as to what is genuine and what is sentimental fears. And the fact that they are passing.

 

Steve: What I do try to grasp is that through experiencing something that may be called reality, I am able to see what is illusion and what is true. Yet there is no security in seeing the truth because there is nothing to know. This was what scared me I think. The absence of knowing in the experincing of truth.

 

Cow Tao: It was probably something that culminated in my seeing my master, and awareness definately had something to do with it. But it was not something he did, more than suddenly, probably for the first time, recognizing the contigent in my own personality, my own beingness, and the fact that I stumbled and fell on an outing with the group in the woods, probably losing a pint of blood.

 

Paul Walter: Thank you for support. It actually is scary. I feel hyper sensitive and I feel like I live in an opera.

 

Cat; yes I do have the same experience. The fear is a form of separation anxiety, in an existential sense. So there's probalby something there that is not dealt with. I like your menu metaphor.

 

h

[rain]

may it be that you in some part of your soul know

that you are having a chance to adress a certain nature of polarity

and see it gone

 

gone

 

gone?

[Trunk]

..

Your post somehow reminds me of Rumi poetry,

not sure how or which ones

but an indication of "good territory"

I think.

love

[Guest paul walter]

Thank you all for wonderful feedback. Its a topic after all!

I'd settle for saying that what you all respond with puts a clarification for me as to what is genuine and what is sentimental fears. And the fact that they are passing.

 

Paul Walter: Thank you for support. It actually is scary. I feel hyper sensitive and I feel like I live in an opera.

 

 

 

I can only hope it's not Don Giovanni or Orphee et Eurydice . Wouldn't want you to cross the great divide and never come back... It's a good way of describing the feeling, if by "opera" you mean an overly dramatic explosive yet compressed feeling where any moment could spell doom or destruction for the best laid plans of our hero The more you can give in the quicker it passes/consolidates-as with all 'real' things it's in the living that the lesson is learnt (I know how terrifying that is-remember many others have gone through it and you are becoming a part of that empowerment). Paul.

Edited June 1, 2010 by paul walter