She wants me to cum

[Maddie]

Hmmm the whole toxicity issue is interesting, because as one who practices retention it seems that there are times that my body is screaming at me that now its to to NOT retain. It seems that at these times that if I listen to my body, then I feel much better, but if I don't and am stubborn, then it almost starts to make me crazy, ... really.

[jago25_98]

Hmmm the whole toxicity issue is interesting, because as one who practices retention it seems that there are times that my body is screaming at me that now its to to NOT retain. It seems that at these times that if I listen to my body, then I feel much better, but if I don't and am stubborn, then it almost starts to make me crazy, ... really.

 

That's another problem. That is, the dependence on using sex for release, release of bad energy. That's not so bad if you're young with tons of energy to use up on this but older people have to find another way to do it.

 

 

Can one ejaculate the bad stuff only? That's way beyond my level. I prefer to find another way to release it. For me I know I've let go of some problem energy when I cry during meditation. That's a slow process, something that can only work with a manageable amount of stress in life. It's possible to do this without relying on sex. There's a world out there beyond sex.

 

The body will seem to scream to stop it. It's training, observing the ego with attachment and training the body to work better.

 

But for me there is the issue of a link to my partner that needs to be considered.

[Maddie]

That's another problem. That is, the dependence on using sex for release, release of bad energy. That's not so bad if you're young with tons of energy to use up on this but older people have to find another way to do it.

 

 

Can one ejaculate the bad stuff only? That's way beyond my level. I prefer to find another way to release it. For me I know I've let go of some problem energy when I cry during meditation. That's a slow process, something that can only work with a manageable amount of stress in life. It's possible to do this without relying on sex. There's a world out there beyond sex.

 

The body will seem to scream to stop it. It's training, observing the ego with attachment and training the body to work better.

 

But for me there is the issue of a link to my partner that needs to be considered.

 

I guess I should have specified a little more. On average I retain for about 1-2 weeks at a time. So when I feel that it is time to release I definatley am not over doing it lol. Chinese medicine allows even suggests that men relase every so often according to their age and health.

[gendao]

Lol umm, have you considered...faking it?

She is almost completely adamant that it is a need for her for me to ejaculate, and that it is a need for all women. I believe that she believes that. It maybe a false need but I recognize that to her it is real.

 

We started to view her needing me to cum and me needing to not cum as the problem, not us. Can you help us with that problem?

Uhm, why do "all" women "need" men to ejac?

 

Heck, why does she even "need" you to orgasm? Tell her just to worry about her own pleasure, not yours..

[markern]

Google Post orgasmic ilness syndrome (POIS). It is now a recognized medical disorder. It is a condition for men (and some women) that get extreme versions of the reactions people normally get after ejaculation. Showing her that information might bring some validity to your situation in her mind. As it takes you so damn long to build up to normal you probably qualify for the diagnosis. There si a forum for POIS. Ask her to write a post about your situation in the POIS forum. The replies might convince her.

 

You can also buy cupids poisoned arow, read it yourself and then show her the most relevant areas. It is a book about karezza and goes into scientific theories the author has come up with to explain the efects of normal sex and karezza7tantra upon relationship. To book is kinda difficult to realte to because it constatnly talks about not having orgasms and hardly mentions sexual pleasure for the first two hundred pages but in reality karezza sex is way mroe pleasurable than conventional sex and leads to valey orgasms which do not ahve the same effects as teh peak orgasms the author refers to when talking about orgasms. THis book read in combination with one of Diane Richardsons tantra books and some research about POIS might change her views and make her interested in trying a different way of having sex that is more conducive to your goals.

[Sunya]

Why are you still with her? Afraid to be alone? The beauty of my current relationship is that neither of us are afraid to be alone, and so we aren't really that attached to each other. This is my ideal situation. I would never stay in a relationship that was detrimental in this way. She needs you to ejaculate for whatever emotional reason, and you don't to. She won't change. Give it up. Move on. Plenty of girls out there, and being alone is great too.

[Mandrake]

I have a friend who's girl has the same crazy demands. He insists on staying with this unstable partner, who's making a good work of destroying his other relations; deep and best friends are dropping off.

 

This your partner does not seem to even conceive of the idea that the male body is different. At least, demand that she produces a magnificient female ejaculation everytime, then you will follow.

 

Her psychiatry doesn't seem to have made any positive imprint on her ethics. There are 3 billion women out there.

 

 

Mandrake

[jago25_98]

Ok, after googling POIS it seems that although science disagrees with retention it is developing an opinion that I don't think completely disagrees with TCM.

 

According to science (this is early days of research and I had to search a lot to get info),

POIS seems to have multiple causes. People with no knowledge of Chi have come up with hormonal explanations and autoimmune explanations.

 

There are definitely(as in clearly testable, peer reviewed) men out there who are allergic to their own semen. For them the test for it is simple and at least we have a straightforward understanding for those cases.

 

Then there are hormonal causes, thyroid in particular, progesterone & Histamine in particular. There is a case of a guy who lost his symptoms when his wife became pregnant and then had symptoms again when she had her child. That is speculated to be a progesterone imbalance but I don't think it is relevant for my case.

 

Histamine level changes sound more like me. Reading a bodybuilding forum there is a possibility that some can release much more Histamine on ejaculation than others and this is very much what sounds like to me because when I cum I cum very hard and for longer than other people (up to minutes), I can mentally reduce this but I can only reduce the overall ejaculation and it feels like I'm still releasing more Histamine than I should be. That could be an explanation. To test for this I want to test my blood hormones before and after ejaculation.

There has been comments that diet plays a big role and again this chimes in because I'm crazy about diet... I've been trying everything under the sun to fix it.

 

I may have a medical problem that exaggerates the first few weeks after ejaculating and the path to the next 3 months is the effects of general chi loss. This would make sense. I don't think Chi vs science is the correct way of looking at it. Chi loss is still valid, but in my case I may have a medical problem on top of this. There is no need to get into a science verses Chi debate because I really feel these are 2 different things - jing, a less pronounced effect when lost but also a different way of looking at it, with jing being a more holistic overview and science looking at the individual hormonal details. Consider both views.

 

If you start reading up on this topic be careful not to get the various hormones confused and especially the autoimmune response that is accepted now, unlike the hormonal theories.

 

I hope I can get a handle on this and then be able to cum every week or so as part of a karezza sexlife, or at least, not need to worry about it so much no matter who I am with. Then we can start addressing the emotional issues. I have been speaking to friends here, it is cultural for women as part of their identity here to have the power to make a man cum, it is part of the female ego here rather than in anglophone countries. So switching to another form of sex involves confronting the ego, I mean very much so, it's not the same here in South America, I've heard other people saying that. In my case we now also have emotional issues to deal with on top of that. Despite all this I think it better to start from here than start again from scratch with another woman, if possible. If it's not possible then I'll take advantage of brightside of that. I know she sounds like an ass but really, I don't think anyone is an ass. She's a great women, believe me, otherwise sensitive and kind. And intelligent. And so much more besides. I admit I don't like how the medical profession has programmed her, in particular with a tendency to view medical problems as psychological (I was sick on holiday and she didn't believe me until I was puking and others were too) The things I was looking for at the time, and on reflection, the things I still value, very much so. I can sense no change in what I'm looking for, that is why I stay, but my way to know within myself the real truth would be to not be with her and see what my desires manifest, when really I should know what I really want instinctively. I'll meditate on that.

 

 

p.s. in particular the circulation problems to my extremities (I get pins and needles easily, cold feet when surfing in warm water sounds too much of a coincidence). As does restlessness at night, waking my partner up at 5am in the morning every day and needing 10 hours sleep, these are all Histamine level related, so I'm definitely going to have to check this out.

Edited February 26, 2011 by jago25_98

[gendao]

I have been speaking to friends here, it is cultural for women as part of their identity here to have the power to make a man cum, it is part of the female ego here rather than in anglophone countries. So switching to another form of sex involves confronting the ego, I mean very much so, it's not the same here in South America, I've heard other people saying that.

You could always pretend you are having non-ejac O's, lol..

 

 

 

Spermatorrhea is a medical condition where involuntary ejaculation occurs often in an excessive manner. Basically, it's like excessive jing leakage. What's interesting though is its symptoms:

Observed symptoms are many and visible; it includes weakness of sight, dizziness, high heart bit rate and dyspepsia. Also back pain, fatigue, incapability of mental effort and sometimes chest tremors are detected. While this list is this long

This condition is even addressed in TCM:

Pungent medicines have the effect of dispersing and enhancing the flow of qi (energy) and blood, such as in the case of digestive or emotional problems.

 

Sweet medicines have a tonification effect and can be used to alleviate acute conditions.

 

Sour medicines possess astringent, consolidating and cessation effects that can be used to arrest conditions like profuse sweating, incontinence and spermatorrhea.

 

Bitter medicines possess cooling and purgative properties. Therefore, most herbal teas prescribed for fever are bitter.

 

Salty medicines have the effect of softening the hard and dispersing knots. It can release congestion downwards. Herbs in this category are used for conditions like tumors, abdominal masses or fluid retention.

[jago25_98]

Will see her again soon.

 

I don't really have much faith in this but I'll try Ashwagandha.

 

Can I learn to cum without losing so much chi though. How do I do that?

[Harmonious Emptiness]

...

Edited December 31, 2017 by Harmonious Emptiness

[Smile]

Stay your grounds and don't cum. She is probably feeling cuming is they way you connect with her an some level, so i would look at come QUALITY time spent with her just being together, kissing and touching each other without any other distractions.

 

Women want emotional connection. If they don't feel it, they will get it from you one way or the other even if they have to pull your hair out.

[jago25_98]

There's 2 problems here.

 

First, I release too much energy. It would be nice to fix that. Can you help?

 

Second, she's attached to me ejaculating. Why is that? Is she testing me? -I really don't think so. Can I do anything about this? -ultimately no. But can I do things to help? Bondage(control)... sex surrogates(perspective)... other people...

 

Last time we had sex she presumed halfway that I wasn't going to cum and it broke immersion; I wasn't given a chance. One guy replied her to say that she just needs to orgasm more. Well, she does and yes it is the typical sensitive afterwards sort. You need 2 to tango, can't force anyone to be open to wider orgasms. You need to be open to something to experience it. So this starts before the bedroom. She just has to have a dick inside her and she just has to feel it's going to ejaculate for her.

 

You might think they'd be tension and knots in the body that could be massaged to open things up. But there's not. She's very flexible and supple. Perhaps there are tension but they are not held in a obvious way; preconcieved ideas.

 

 

Maybe there's nothing I can do. Only someone else can change her picture now.

 

 

Got any ideas? First, how to change the picture radically, and second, how to release less energy if I flinch and end up cumming.

[三江源]

.

Edited April 5, 2015 by 三江源

[neiye]

Hi jago25_98

 

It has been quite a lot time that you started this thread and exposed your problems.

 

I did not go again through the entire thread but it seems that nothing has changed.

 

The picture will not radically change if no one changes. You don't want to loose your energy by releasing your semen, she wants you to give her your semen/energy. You can both stick to these views until one dies, nothing will change between you.

 

If you really love each other, there should be listening, mutual understanding, compassion between you both. It is up to you both to ask you, and ponder, individually and through dialog what your relationship is about. If there is love, there is understanding, so there is a way for you both to find an agreement about your sexual life and find harmony.

 

If it is just about sex and self-reassurance, then you know,when it comes to you, what is the price you have to pay: loosing your semen regularly and heart-closing/closed relationships. But at some point, going on discussing this endlessly is just mind game and mind self pleasuring. It leads nowhere I would like to be (if it were me)

 

As for the strict energetic side of your question, a lot of people here can help or direct you to some tips. Last part added in last edit In my experience, heart centered relationships don't lead that much to energetic depletion: you can feel very energized after sex even when you release semen.

 

Good luck.

Neiye

Edited May 17, 2011 by neiye

[markern]

Will see her again soon.

 

I don't really have much faith in this but I'll try Ashwagandha.

 

Can I learn to cum without losing so much chi though. How do I do that?

 

You can contact one of the teachers of kundalini awakening process. THey can teach you how to do it but it might/probably presupose(s) some proficiency in meditation and energywork to do well. Seth Ananda also has some thoughts on this. You can PM him.

[Sloppy Zhang]

You might think they'd be tension and knots in the body that could be massaged to open things up. But there's not. She's very flexible and supple. Perhaps there are tension but they are not held in a obvious way; preconcieved ideas.

 

On B.K. Frantzis' site (before the huge overhaul) there was an interesting article in how being flexible does not always equate to being relaxed and/or open. He cited a guy he knew who was really into Hatha Yoga, and even performed as a contortionist- but he sucked at being able to flow in the martial art of Aikido. The problem? Well everything was stretched- including the tensions!

 

First, I release too much energy. It would be nice to fix that. Can you help?

 

Well I can't. Different systems have different ways of preventing a release of energy. To start, I would watch this and this. I don't remember what part of the video it is, but she talks somewhere about letting the pleasure move through your WHOLE body, not just your genitals. I think energy releases in the same way- it you keep it packed into your genitals, then when you orgasm you ejaculate, and it goes out the only opening it's got. When you let it travel through your whole body, then orgasm doesn't always mean ejaculation, and ejaculation doesn't always equal energy loss.

 

As with anything, practice makes perfect. But you should have fun with it, and not think of it as a job

 

Second, she's attached to me ejaculating. Why is that? Is she testing me? -I really don't think so. Can I do anything about this? -ultimately no. But can I do things to help? Bondage(control)... sex surrogates(perspective)... other people...

Last time we had sex she presumed halfway that I wasn't going to cum and it broke immersion; I wasn't given a chance. One guy replied her to say that she just needs to orgasm more. Well, she does and yes it is the typical sensitive afterwards sort. You need 2 to tango, can't force anyone to be open to wider orgasms. You need to be open to something to experience it. So this starts before the bedroom. She just has to have a dick inside her and she just has to feel it's going to ejaculate for her.

 

(emphasis mine)

 

Question- how much foreplay do you do? I know each encounter is different, but what is the usual progression of an encounter? You get together, make out for a bit, she rubs you a bit, you rub her a bit, then you stick it in for five minutes? An hour of oral stimulation from both, following a hot bath and a scented oil massage, preceding hours of pumping from your ever hard, non ejaculating member?

 

I'm not asking this to judge your performance as a lover, but to see what the level of energy is in the relationship. You don't have to answer, but at least consider, how much energy is actually going into it?

 

Because even if you don't cum, but instead are generating hours of energy filled love making that is moving powerfully between you two, well, it wouldn't matter if you physically ejaculate, because she (and you) will be feeling the ENERGETIC effects, not the physical.

 

And if the relationship is lacking in a powerful energetic "explosion", then she may be looking for a physical "explosion" to make up for that. And to that extent, maybe a little kinky play could up the energy but don't do anything unless both of you are comfortable with it.

 

Maybe there's nothing I can do. Only someone else can change her picture now.

 

Neither you, nor anybody else, can change her perspective or needs. That's something she's going to have to work with and work out on her own, consciously or subconsciously.

 

Got any ideas? First, how to change the picture radically, and second, how to release less energy if I flinch and end up cumming.

 

If you flinch up and end up cumming, just relax and go with it. Check out Seth Ananda's posts about body armoring- that when peoples' hearts are opened, even if the ejaculate during orgasm, the orgasm is not physically draining. You being worried about energy loss is shutting down your heart, your body, and your mind, and it is sending all of your focus, and energy, and your entire being, into your genitals- which means you really are losing your "essence" during ejaculation.

 

As for her- be loving, be fun, be spontaneous, be open. Shutting down your energy may very well be shutting her out of your life, which she can pick up on, and it might bother her. Generate as much energy as you can during lovemaking. And don't be a selfish lover- worry less about what's coming out of your own dick, and more about what she's going through.

 

If it doesn't start to turn around, try to mention to her, lightly and gently, about what you're trying to do.

 

And, of course, there's always what I said originally- challenge her to make you cum. If you don't, you don't. But if she can get you to, then do it. Tell her about your desire to increase your physical and sexual energy, to circulate it through your whole body during sex. If she beats you (no pun intended )fair and square, cum, enjoy it, and try again next time. Don't hold back in love making just because you want to hold back your energy. You'll lose both.

Edited May 17, 2011 by Sloppy Zhang

[Harmonious Emptiness]

...

Edited December 31, 2017 by Harmonious Emptiness

[Anton Chigur]

my health is more important than her, because I have to love myself first before I can love others.

 

 

But I would like to hear how others approach this subject.

 

When you c*m, you're giving her too much love...it's weird to say but that's how it is. Too much love kills...lol

She needs to learn to get used to this formality. There's sex, but just no ejac. I've been having sex with my wife for 4 years, without ejac, and it's...awesome. it's just completely natural, there's never an awkward moment...

[JohnC]

my health is more important than her, because I have to love myself first before I can love others.

 

 

But I would like to hear how others approach this subject.

 

When you c*m, you're giving her too much love...it's weird to say but that's how it is. Too much love kills...lol

She needs to learn to get used to this formality. There's sex, but just no ejac. I've been having sex with my wife for 4 years, without ejac, and it's...awesome. it's just completely natural, there's never an awkward moment...

 

No such thing as too much love. Only barriers and insecurities getting in the way of love.

Which are formalities.

 

But you can love and not cum.

 

John

[Sloppy Zhang]

When you c*m, you're giving her too much love...it's weird to say but that's how it is. Too much love kills...lol

She needs to learn to get used to this formality. There's sex, but just no ejac. I've been having sex with my wife for 4 years, without ejac, and it's...awesome. it's just completely natural, there's never an awkward moment...

 

I think this is a far bigger detail than the not ejaculating.

 

Reading the OP's situation, it seems his girlfriend has some issues surrounding it, and the OP himself has some issues. It seems that they have lost the "spark" to some tiny detail.

 

If it's a hot session, if there is passion and energy and it is natural, then who cares if the guy blows his load? If they are both satisfied, then it shouldn't matter. The fact that it does means one or both parties are not satisfied with something, and it might not be the sex. It could be some other emotional relationship baggage.

 

Look at the root cause, not the surface symptom.

[Adishakti]

http://www.podiobook...cret-at-a-time/

 

Click on this link, scroll down, download Chapter 12. JJ Semple is talking about a similar problem. His girlfriend wanted him in a similar way as yours, and what one orgasm did to him. Maybe you've already read the book.

Edited June 16, 2011 by Adishakti

[Birch]

my health is more important than her, because I have to love myself first before I can love others.

 

 

But I would like to hear how others approach this subject.

 

When you c*m, you're giving her too much love...it's weird to say but that's how it is. Too much love kills...lol

She needs to learn to get used to this formality. There's sex, but just no ejac. I've been having sex with my wife for 4 years, without ejac, and it's...awesome. it's just completely natural, there's never an awkward moment...

 

I wouldn't equate ejac with love. But it's sort of 'nice' to hear that you think it does

Did you ask her why that's what she wants? You can talk with/to women you know

Anyway. I'd go ask the master of ejac without freaking out. Mr Seth Ananda.

[Sloppy Zhang]

Anyway. I'd go ask the master of ejac without freaking out. Mr Seth Ananda.

 

I concur.

 

Seriously, mad, undying props to Seth for meeting someone from a working method that does not equate ejaculation with "zomg I'm going 2 die!!!!! Dis chik haz sucked out my life force!!!!!!"