confidence + arrogance + ego

[LaoTzu21]

Hi im trying to progress to new chapters in my life and i have very low confidence levels purely because every time i get confident my ego seems to build with it. couples with arrogance and a lack of care for things. i want to know how to grow confidence without the strings attached and to know that im going in the right direction. any advice would be appreciated.

[That Guy]

Know you can do something, feel confident about it!

But don't think you're better than anyone else (as a person) because you do what you do.

[LaoTzu21]

Know you can do something, feel confident about it!

But don't think you're better than anyone else (as a person) because you do what you do.

 

thats what i confuse confidence for sometimes after i feel confident about soemthing

[三江源]

Hi im trying to progress to new chapters in my life and i have very low confidence levels purely because every time i get confident my ego seems to build with it. couples with arrogance and a lack of care for things. i want to know how to grow confidence without the strings attached and to know that im going in the right direction. any advice would be appreciated.

 

Astute perception on your part! What happens is that a fragile ego latches onto whatever it can , and slips into inflation. Inflation isnt confidence, it's puffed up-ness, which is actually in itself fragile, and therefore highly defensive and concerned with comparison with others, for it's boosting.

 

Hope that makes sense.

 

So you are noticing - it sounds like - your ego resorting to inflation, instead of your ego building strength. So to build strength in your ego you need to have a strong core of authenticity and a sense of your own values stemming from your own experiences, not from what you have heard from other people or just learned from books. And there will be no defiance in this or need to put others down for their difference from you.

 

It is like the difference between intelligence and knowledge. In early stages, one comes from within,one from without. Ego can come from within ( strong) or without ( weak).

 

Ego strength comes from a deep place within, where you are satisfied that you are essentially ok, and you know that others are also ok. Not better than you. Not worse. You dont have to be the same or different to others, it doesnt matter. The theory of Transactional Analysis is very clear on this, you might find interesting to get a clear sense of what a strong ego is like as opposed to the kind of ego that That Guy mentions. A couple of TA classics are "I'm OK , you're OK." ( dated now but still key) and "Games people play".

 

I dont know if you have read any Carl Rogers. "Way of Being" might be of interest to you , it makes it clear how we need Congruence, Core Values, and Unconditional Positive Regard, toward ourselves and others. It is basically a manual of how to have a healthy ego.

 

Just a few thoughts.

[Marblehead]

Excellent post Cat. Thanks!

 

Peace & Love!

[goonis38]

Hi there,

This is a very good thread for every person... Ego effects every person. And it is of a negative purpose. I can only tell you of my own experience. I was the same as you, and in some ways I still am. We are never free of feelings of not being as good as the next person.

When I was young. I was filled with ego. Which to me, it's looking in judement and feeling that you are better than others. I lost my ego along time ago. Now I can honestly say I have minus ego.

But self confidence I still need to work on. Now there is different types of confidence as the way I see it... There is confidence in your work, looks, treatment of others, being a good enough mother and wife and friend to man kind, and many other things...

"But in the end, glad to be rid of that nasty ego". I am no better than anyone! but I am as good as anyone! And I mean the richest, or prettyest, and so are you my friend. Love all things, and people... Look at them through a pair of glasses that doesn't see a bum, but a man with problems just like anyone. When you see a drug addict, you don't see a person that has holes in there arms, and is some bad person. you see yourself, your friend, your sister... Does this make since? I hope so... This is the way I look at the world now. Not before, through the eyes of ego. Ego hides the beauty of things, that seem to always be ugly. And the things that seem to be beautiful sometimes are ugly...

Beauty comes from your inside of your body, and seeps out like a glowing light... Share this light with the world, and the rewards are unimaginable...

Love you, take care... Melanie

[LaoTzu21]

its mainly progression with confidence. i want to feel good about myself and know that what im doing is right.

 

without bolstering my ego. as ive said before.

 

my ego also effects my music practice and i use the guitar as a way of truth with myself.

 

it helps me understand where im at with my personality with every note i play.

 

but at the same time my ego likes to come and and tell me where i think i am rather than where i actually am.

 

i want to grow in confidence as to regards in working as for jobs. and my abilities as am musician. and i want to have the right to express myself freely but i dont want to offend anyone.

 

i seem to offend almost everyone when i express my own viewpoint. even tho its not my intention. i have a problem where my speech doesn't correlate to what im thinking about and typing comes second nature to me because its like an accesses to my subconscious thought.

 

anyway thats another topic in itself.

 

my main point is i just ant to remain natural but feel confident and good with it. the only thing i seem to do is get confident and a ego boost then get deflated and start again. its really unhealthy. i wnt to start seeing some true progression. and break out of the cycle.

[island]

Trust yourself, Know yourself, Respect yourself, Accept yourself, Love yourself, Believe in yourself and be free of doubt.

[goonis38]

its mainly progression with confidence. i want to feel good about myself and know that what im doing is right.

 

without bolstering my ego. as ive said before.

 

my ego also effects my music practice and i use the guitar as a way of truth with myself.

 

it helps me understand where im at with my personality with every note i play.

 

but at the same time my ego likes to come and and tell me where i think i am rather than where i actually am.

 

i want to grow in confidence as to regards in working as for jobs. and my abilities as am musician. and i want to have the right to express myself freely but i dont want to offend anyone.

 

i seem to offend almost everyone when i express my own viewpoint. even tho its not my intention. i have a problem where my speech doesn't correlate to what im thinking about and typing comes second nature to me because its like an accesses to my subconscious thought.

 

anyway thats another topic in itself.

 

my main point is i just ant to remain natural but feel confident and good with it. the only thing i seem to do is get confident and a ego boost then get deflated and start again. its really unhealthy. i wnt to start seeing some true progression. and break out of the cycle.

 

 

Hey,

Ok I get you... and what you are talking about now. This happens to me to. This comes from not you, but what others are projecting to you. It is hard being a person period. I worry what people think to. Not everyone I met, but other family members and stuff. I used to worry about what everyone thought. Now not so much, and that just came with age...lol I say well they didn't bring me into this world, and they most likely aren't going to take me out of it. So whats there opinion of me matter.

 

But now I need to try and look at it from an entertainer's point of view, you will eventually find people who except you for you, and not what they want you to be. Did you see my signature? Say what you want to say, be who you are. Because the people who matter don't mind, and the people who mind don't matter" ~Dr Suess~ Now this is true, true. You feel the need to say, and do the right things. I get that. "We can't please everyone all the time, but we can please some of the people some of the time" Another good one. These old saying have a lot of good to them. You are a sweet person, I can tell this. Maybe you take into much from people. You are great!... Knowing that is not to much ego. That is being an ass to other people. And I don't see that about you at all. And if someone is going to find fault with everything you say, they always will. Maybe they are jealous or something.

 

Why does it have to be you, maybe it is them... Just a thought. You sound like a sweet person to me...

Take care, and stop being so hard on yourself, there are plenty of people to do that for you my friend. Be your own best friend... Melanie

 

 

[LaoTzu21]

Hey,

Ok I get you... and what you are talking about now. This happens to me to. This comes from not you, but what others are projecting to you. It is hard being a person period. I worry what people think to. Not everyone I met, but other family members and stuff. I used to worry about what everyone thought. Now not so much, and that just came with age...lol I say well they didn't bring me into this world, and they most likely aren't going to take me out of it. So whats there opinion of me matter.

 

But now I need to try and look at it from an entertainer's point of view, you will eventually find people who except you for you, and not what they want you to be. Did you see my signature? Say what you want to say, be who you are. Because the people who matter don't mind, and the people who mind don't matter" ~Dr Suess~ Now this is true, true. You feel the need to say, and do the right things. I get that. "We can't please everyone all the time, but we can please some of the people some of the time" Another good one. These old saying have a lot of good to them. You are a sweet person, I can tell this. Maybe you take into much from people. You are great!... Knowing that is not to much ego. That is being an ass to other people. And I don't see that about you at all. And if someone is going to find fault with everything you say, they always will. Maybe they are jealous or something.

 

Why does it have to be you, maybe it is them... Just a thought. You sound like a sweet person to me...

Take care, and stop being so hard on yourself, there are plenty of people to do that for you my friend. Be your own best friend... Melanie

 

 

 

 

you are correct in one aspect i do take in alot of what other people say and feel like i dont have a voice of my own. this is a big issue for me. but from what some people say who are advanced meditators they say to be neutral. being neutral seems to feel cold to me. i have too much of a big heart to be neutral. i would say im a very good listener. its my job to listen and i did so even before i became a musciain. im constantly listening to things around me i cant switch it off. nor do i want to either it keeps me on my toes.

one problem i have is when i want to prgoress i have to fight through all these egos around me and i find it hard to react to them in the proper manner being calm and collected. in a more taoist manner too. im learning this through meditating and ZZ. but i still want to obtain the correct attitude. i know qi gung and ZZ and all that can change a person dramatically but i want to change the core of my being to accommodate a new attitude. this i think is something no matter how much ZZ or qi gung you do can change. id just like some suggestions. and some voices from there experience with this kind of life blockage.

 

 

[rookie]

Hi im trying to progress to new chapters in my life and i have very low confidence levels purely because every time i get confident my ego seems to build with it. couples with arrogance and a lack of care for things. i want to know how to grow confidence without the strings attached and to know that im going in the right direction. any advice would be appreciated.

 

This is probably not what you are going to want to hear, but stop focusing on yourself.

Do anything else. Find something healthy and use it as a distraction if you must.

Maybe find someone that needs help and help them. Do this over and over whenever you start to become self obsessed.

[Machin Shin]

Astute perception on your part! What happens is that a fragile ego latches onto whatever it can , and slips into inflation. Inflation isnt confidence, it's puffed up-ness, which is actually in itself fragile, and therefore highly defensive and concerned with comparison with others, for it's boosting.

 

 

I just love that green little egg. Or glowing orb of greeness!! Eww it's green and it glows Oh! My! Goddess!!!

 

Time to get Medieval!!

 

I'm the son of a king.

The son of a bitch, made some of us poor and some of us rich;

'cuz some of us flow, and some of us spit.

 

&

 

And I'm hurling spells that I learned from Merlin.

Words made with gold, gimme limestones, silver, feel the - build up - on my enemy.

 

&

My music is my holy grail.

I got my mic from the lady in the lake.

 

I have nothing to say.

[Maddie]

My basic approach to most things these days is one of energy balance. I keep working to balance all my internal organs, and as a I do problems work themselves out. As far as this topic goes I have worked on this through the Lung meridian. One of the positive virtues of the Lungs is pride, but the good kind which is healthy self esteem, as opposed to the negative kind which is arrogance. So I breathe in a decent amount of respect, both self respect and respect for others, (for if we respect both ourselves and others we have balance, but if we only build respect for ourselves we become arrogant) and breath out sorrow, low self esteem ect..

One thing I have really really noticed is that intellectual understanding of these issues does not remove them. The only thing I have found that actually fixes such problems is simple practice. Breath in the good, breath out the bad. Its so simple that our egos don't like it, but isn't that the problem in the first place here? lol. Don't get me wrong, I do like to have a good intellectual understanding of these processes, but that is not what fixes things. I have basically taken this approach with just about every unwanted emotion and thought pattern, and it does seem to be working very effectively.

So try the inner smile to your lungs, and doing the lung healing sound as well, and observe what results you get.

Edited September 27, 2010 by dmattwads

[C T]

* double post *

Edited September 27, 2010 by CowTao

[C T]

Breath in the good, breath out the bad. Its so simple that our egos don't like it, but isn't that the problem in the first place here? l

Actually what the ego finds too hot to handle is when one gets to become so fearless that one is able to breathe in the bad, to absorb the woes of others and self, and to breathe out goodness to others and self. This can be a great way to learn how to cherish others as equally deserving as oneself. Generally speaking, this goes against the grain to all that we have been taught, but then we can also acknowledge that its precisely all that we have been 'taught' that affirms the ego thus far.

 

As a great yogi once said, "Whatever joy there is in this world, it all comes from wanting others to be happy; whatever misery there is in this world, it all comes from wanting oneself to be happy." (Shantideva)

 

Wait a minute, people will say... this cant be right! I am to come first! Me, me and me first... my happiness, my this, my that!! Unfortunately, this can lead to immense clinging, and clinging is the root of attachment, and attachment is the supreme fertilizer, the perfect agent for for ego's blooming growth. Realizing this, Shantideva further said,

 

"Knowing that destructive emotions are overcome through penetrating insight suffused with stable calm, you should first seek the peace of calm abiding, which is found in joy and non-attachment to the world."

 

and...

 

"If all the harms throughout the world, with all its fear and sufferings, all spring from clinging to a self, what need have i for such a demon?"

 

 

 

Just remember, if our desire is deeply rooted in the creation of causes for others happiness and freedom to come before our own, nothing borne of human, nor anything that exists in non-human realms, would want to cause us harm.

 

There is a story of a buddhist practitioner who has developed deep compassion for all living beings. This man would burst into tears should he even see a bug flying in to a flame and then inadvertently getting killed.

 

One day his evil cousin, envious of his kind heartedness, sought the services of a black sorcerer to have an evil curse put on him. This sorcerer commanded 10 spirits from hell to torment this man, with the aim to drive him insane first before eventually making him commit suicide.

 

When these evil spirits came upon their intended victim, they saw how he had such a good heart and only wishes happiness for all other beings, including spirits from other worlds as well, so they could not bring themselves to hurt this person. They thought, "How could we harm this man, who wishes only happiness and comfort for others, including our own kind?" Who would think that even evil spirits can tell the difference between a good person and a bad person? Suddenly, because they were able to exercise this noble discernment, these 10 ghouls became reborn in the higher realms, while the evil cousin and the sorcerer were condemned to the deepest hell realms.

 

and now to close this with this appropriate wish...

 

"May all beings be free from sorrow, and the root cause of sorrow. May all beings enjoy happiness, and the root causes of great happiness!"

 

[Guest paul walter]

Hi im trying to progress to new chapters in my life and i have very low confidence levels purely because every time i get confident my ego seems to build with it. couples with arrogance and a lack of care for things. i want to know how to grow confidence without the strings attached and to know that im going in the right direction. any advice would be appreciated.

 

 

Don't post things like you've been posting (How To Fix My Life 101 sort of stuff) and you may give yourself some training in making decisiions after observing the terrain yourself. You give away everytime you do this.... Paul

[Guest paul walter]

i know qi gung and ZZ and all that can change a person dramatically but i want to change the core of my being to accommodate a new attitude. this i think is something no matter how much ZZ or qi gung you do can change. id just like some suggestions. and some voices from there experience with this kind of life blockage.

 

 

I told you to try homeopathy which would answer your prayers but the problem with your stance is you (the broken/wrong ego 'you') is making all the decisions and weighing up all the answers people give you so you're stuffed til you stop it. Paul

[LaoTzu21]

I told you to try homeopathy which would answer your prayers but the problem with your stance is you (the broken/wrong ego 'you') is making all the decisions and weighing up all the answers people give you so you're stuffed til you stop it. Paul

 

i get the impression you like to troll

[Marblehead]

i get the impression you like to troll

 

Hehehe. I thought this a while back too but I was mistaken. Paul really is trying to help. But he has to do it in his own way and this might be objectionable to some folks.

 

You have had some nice feedback, I think.

 

Yes, IMO, you need your ego. The trick is to allow it to grow your confidence without growing your arrogance. And this, Sir, is no easy task.

 

As far as confidence goes, I will say again something I have said many times before: We must learn our capabilities and capacities. Once we understand what these are we can naturally grow our confidence in what we can do.

 

Now, let's face it, there are some thing some people just cannot do for whatever the reason. These are called weaknesses. But these weaknesses do not have to be viewed as something negative. If we understand our weaknesses we can use our strengths in order to avoid mishaps due to our weaknesses.

 

So keep your ego. Treat it nicely because it includes your survival instinct. But don't allow it to rule your entire life.

 

Best Wishes!

 

Peace & Love!

Edited September 27, 2010 by Marblehead

[LaoTzu21]

Hehehe. I thought this a while back too but I was mistaken. Paul really is trying to help. But he has to do it in his own way and this might be objectionable to some folks.

 

You have had some nice feedback, I think.

 

Yes, IMO, you need your ego. The trick is to allow it to grow your confidence without growing your arrogance. And this, Sir, is no easy task.

 

As far as confidence goes, I will say again something I have said many times before: We must learn our capabilities and capacities. Once we understand what these are we can naturally grow our confidence in what we can do.

 

Now, let's face it, there are some thing some people just cannot do for whatever the reason. These are called weaknesses. But these weaknesses do not have to be viewed as something negative. If we understand our weaknesses we can use our strengths in order to avoid mishaps due to our weaknesses.

 

So keep your ego. Treat it nicely because it includes your survival instinct. But don't allow it to rule your entire life.

 

Best Wishes!

 

Peace & Love!

 

sometimes i dont know what my strengths are because all i see are weaknesses most of the time and im trying to improve

[Marblehead]

sometimes i dont know what my strengths are because all i see are weaknesses most of the time and im trying to improve

 

Okay. So you have half of the quest accomplished. You have recognized your weaknesses (or at least those aspects of yourself that you have yet not developed).

 

So identify your strengths. Yep, this is done through trial and error. And you are going to screw up now and then. No big deal. Those are called learning experiences.

 

There is a quote (can't remember exactly how it goes but I will give my translation) that says that "The art of good judgement is a result of experience. Experience is a result of many bad judgements."

 

Peace & Love!

[三江源]

I just love that green little egg. Or glowing orb of greeness!! Eww it's green and it glows Oh! My! Goddess!!!

 

Time to get Medieval!!

 

I'm the son of a king.

The son of a bitch, made some of us poor and some of us rich;

'cuz some of us flow, and some of us spit.

 

&

 

And I'm hurling spells that I learned from Merlin.

Words made with gold, gimme limestones, silver, feel the - build up - on my enemy.

 

&

My music is my holy grail.

I got my mic from the lady in the lake.

 

I have nothing to say.

 

http://www.youtube.c...h?v=YlBy9Z-HdyY

[rookie]

 

 

So keep your ego. Treat it nicely because it includes your survival instinct. But don't allow it to rule your entire life.

 

 

This is not quite on topic but you are mistaken here Marblehead.

There is a survival instinct quite independent of the ego.

The ego has its own survival desire to keep itself going which can lead to all kinds of trouble for the body-being.

At some point pulling the perspective off of the me me me is healthy, and it is necessary for growth beyond a certain point. That is very basic.

 

What may not be so basic is that what most everyone considers themself to be is really an activity, an activity of the mind. Getting this then changes how one would view how necessary the ego is.

 

In the end, one can either play games or look a little wider.

[Marblehead]

This is not quite on topic but you are mistaken here Marblehead.

 

We should just agree to disagree on this one. I realize that there are a number of members here who often disagree with me. I don't see that as a problem. I don't need to be right. But I will always express my understanding if I think it might help someone.

 

Peace & Love!

[LaoTzu21]

am i right to think that ego causes problems between communication? there is also something else that un nerves me is that everyone has there own idea of what is right and what is wrong and there own values of the truth. how does one know what the universal truth is without the conflict of other peoples perceptions?