Chuang Tzu Skits

[sweeney]

Lao Tzu drunk as a monkey bumped into Nagarjuna somewhere in the forest covered Himalayas. Lao Tzu bent down to a yogis fire and set his beard alight. Nagarjuna rushed to put out the flames from the great sages whiskers. 'Why are you flapping at my face!?" Barked Lao Tzu "There are no flies there!" Nagarjuna decided it was better to piss on the fire than swat fire flies. "Pass the chang" He said.

[sweeney]

The very venerable John Knox was giving a sermon to his flock telling them of the perils of sin and of eternal damnation. He spotted a small swarthy man standing smiling puffing on an old china pipe.

 

"Heathen why do you laugh, when I speak of the hellish fires?"

 

The tinker gypsy smiled even more and puffed his pipe.

 

"So you think it funny to be eternally damned and to be tortured by imps of the great serpent?"

 

The tinker started to laugh out loud, holding his belly.

 

"Black Jack! You mock the word of god and the divine book!"

 

The tinker was lying on the tussocks now cackling like a baby.

 

"Foul wicked Gypsy I shall see it that you are cast into the pit!"

 

Black Jack got up and walked over to the preacher.

 

"How? Are you God? The holy ghost is a badger. Live like me like a wild beast. Season to season. Doing this and that but never wanting. You are a very hungry man preacher"

[Mal]

These are quite bizarre, I like them

where are they from?

 

[Vajrahridaya]

Lao Tzu drunk as a monkey bumped into Nagarjuna somewhere in the forest covered Himalayas. Lao Tzu bent down to a yogis fire and set his beard alight. Nagarjuna rushed to put out the flames from the great sages whiskers. 'Why are you flapping at my face!?" Barked Lao Tzu "There are no flies there!" Nagarjuna decided it was better to piss on the fire than swat fire flies. "Pass the chang" He said.

 

:lol: :lol: Yeah man!!

[sweeney]

I'm exaggerating as the Master used to; or did he? Was he pulling our plonkers as the English say? I'm challenging convention and superstition. Well I think I am...

[sweeney]

Bruce Lee and Bruce Li were walking down skidrow. A cherry red Ferrari zoomed past.

 

"Check out those wheels" Said Li

 

"I saw only an automobile" Quipped Lee

 

"That was the most expensive bit of machinary you'll ever see Lee" Said Li

 

"What that tin thing driven by the fat man?"

 

"I'd kill for a drive in one of those." Spoke Li.

 

"It is nothing... void... a tin casket"

 

Li nodded, he guessed Lee was right. But boy that thing moved like the wind...

[strawdog65]

The very venerable John Knox was giving a sermon to his flock telling them of the perils of sin and of eternal damnation. He spotted a small swarthy man standing smiling puffing on an old china pipe.

 

"Heathen why do you laugh, when I speak of the hellish fires?"

 

The tinker gypsy smiled even more and puffed his pipe.

 

"So you think it funny to be eternally damned and to be tortured by imps of the great serpent?"

 

The tinker started to laugh out loud, holding his belly.

 

"Black Jack! You mock the word of god and the divine book!"

 

The tinker was lying on the tussocks now cackling like a baby.

 

"Foul wicked Gypsy I shall see it that you are cast into the pit!"

 

Black Jack got up and walked over to the preacher.

 

"How? Are you God? The holy ghost is a badger. Live like me like a wild beast. Season to season. Doing this and that but never wanting. You are a very hungry man preacher"

 

 

Sweeney,

Hey I really like that one. Nice strong imagery!

And great punch lines!

 

I would rather be a beast rolling in the dirt of the world than

a man of the cloth, especially if its cheescloth!

 

Peace! Keep it up, I like's em!

[sweeney]

Li Pan went to a nightclub for a few beers. Po was on the decks mixing it up. Li Pan thought the tunes were good! He went to the bar and ordered two ginseng beers. When Po finished his set Li Pan went over with a bottle of beer. He handed it to Po.

 

"Venerable Beats man!"

 

"Were they blunt enough?"

 

Li Pan took a big slug of beer, nodded and then became dewy eyed:

 

"The men of old used to make music with bits of wood and animal. Blunt Beats. Sharp Beats. Wind sounds. And they didn't use bits of paper telling them what to do! No prewritten abstract beats and notation. It all came from there and then; it was where they were at. Masters used to play the tunes and they remembered them. But the best thing was that sometimes they used to just play whatever they felt; just like a butterfly deciding to go West instead of East! Just like a sudden clap of thunder!"

 

Po finished his brewski and decided to do away with his set. He tore up his set list and used it for roach paper. And he just played whatever his hands wanted to play. Records jumped out of the box ready to be mixed and spliced. His mind was empty but full. And the beats sounded like a sudden thunder storm.

 

Outside Li Pan looked up at the moon and nodded his head.

[strawdog65]

Li Pan went to a nightclub for a few beers. Po was on the decks mixing it up. Li Pan thought the tunes were good! He went to the bar and ordered two ginseng beers. When Po finished his set Li Pan went over with a bottle of beer. He handed it to Po.

 

"Venerable Beats man!"

 

"Were they blunt enough?"

 

Li Pan took a big slug of beer, nodded and then became dewy eyed:

 

"The men of old used to make music with bits of wood and animal. Blunt Beats. Sharp Beats. Wind sounds. And they didn't use bits of paper telling them what to do! No prewritten abstract beats and notation. It all came from there and then; it was where they were at. Masters used to play the tunes and they remembered them. But the best thing was that sometimes they used to just play whatever they felt; just like a butterfly deciding to go West instead of East! Just like a sudden clap of thunder!"

 

Po finished his brewski and decided to do away with his set. He tore up his set list and used it for roach paper. And he just played whatever his hands wanted to play. Records jumped out of the box ready to be mixed and spliced. His mind was empty but full. And the beats sounded like a sudden thunder storm.

 

Outside Li Pan looked up at the moon and nodded his head.

 

 

Thanks again sweeney!

 

Another great one!

[Mal]

Outside Li Pan looked up at the moon and nodded his head.

 

+20 love it

[sweeney]

Gerry was lost. His life was a mess. What was it all about? He looked in the phone book to find some kind of spiritual help. Native American yoga was tried but he didn't like it. Then he got into Aryan voodoo; that was even worse. Then he read about a sage who was all the rage in Malibu. The Pure Sage was a fruitarian from Japan who sat in zazen for 10 hours per day and gave Koan interviews with the razzmatazz. Gerry went to see him and was told that the path would be hard: No drink, no meat, no drugs, no sex or masturbation, even the vegetables had to be untouched by human hands to avoid karma. The teachings cost a lot of moolah. And the only illumination that Gerry got from it was crippling debt and Mr Pure banging his wife. Dejected he went to see the Funky Sage in China Town who didn't wash, ate burgers, drank beer, smoked weed and had lots of sex. The Funky Sage was cheaper but demanded more money from Gerry. Broken and worldweary Gerry coughed up the dough. All that the Funky Sage done was ran away with his new girlfriend. Angry now, very angry, Gerry got a sword and went to kill the Funky Sage; he cornered him in a dingy shebeen. He raised his sword.

 

"I'm going to kill you for taking my money and my lady!"

 

"Your money? Your Lady? Who the fuck are you?"

 

Gerry dropped the sword, finally he was enlightened.

[strawdog65]

Gerry was lost. His life was a mess. What was it all about? He looked in the phone book to find some kind of spiritual help. Native American yoga was tried but he didn't like it. Then he got into Aryan voodoo; that was even worse. Then he read about a sage who was all the rage in Malibu. The Pure Sage was a fruitarian from Japan who sat in zazen for 10 hours per day and gave Koan interviews with the razzmatazz. Gerry went to see him and was told that the path would be hard: No drink, no meat, no drugs, no sex or masturbation, even the vegetables had to be untouched by human hands to avoid karma. The teachings cost a lot of moolah. And the only illumination that Gerry got from it was crippling debt and Mr Pure banging his wife. Dejected he went to see the Funky Sage in China Town who didn't wash, ate burgers, drank beer, smoked weed and had lots of sex. The Funky Sage was cheaper but demanded more money from Gerry. Broken and worldweary Gerry coughed up the dough. All that the Funky Sage done was ran away with his new girlfriend. Angry now, very angry, Gerry got a sword and went to kill the Funky Sage; he cornered him in a dingy shebeen. He raised his sword.

 

"I'm going to kill you for taking my money and my lady!"

 

"Your money? Your Lady? Who the fuck are you?"

 

Gerry dropped the sword, finally he was enlightened.

 

Sweeney, very nice again.

 

I hope you are compiling these. They are great!

 

Peace!

[sweeney]

Professor Wang invented the amazing retro/future metabolism machine. When you sat in it you could fast forward your physical body in time or go backwards. So an old man could go back to his youth or a young girl could go forward into her prime. He lost the patent due to avarice and greed and when it was manufactured you could only go back; no one wanted to grow old. Angry Professor Wang kidnapped the man who stole the patent; a city businessman of great notoriety. He drugged the man and stuck him in the machine. The man was very angry and stated that his lawers were going to sue Wangs ass off leaving him with nothing. Professor Wang gave the business man a choice: He could go back in the machine to before he was born, or forward and into his death. The man began to cry and asked for Wang to send him back to before he was born. Laughing Professor Wang let the man loose. He ran away screaming expletives. Wang got into the machine. Back to before being concieved or forward into death? No choice! Smiling Wang set the controls for forward. He felt guilty at inventing such a stupid machine as he aged rapidly and this was forgotten when he wa swept back to the primordial like a shooting star burning up in space.

[manitou]

Smiling Wang set the controls for forward. He felt guilty at inventing such a stupid machine as he aged rapidly and this was forgotten when he was swept back to the primordial like a shooting star burning up in space.

 

I must comment on this. The smiling Mr. Wang suddenly realized that walking the Tao or similar path is a process of removal, going from sophisticated thought patterns one develops in the aging process back to the innocence of a child. It is a reverse process; although our body ages, our minds become more childlike and non-judgmental; we see beauty in every little thing, we notice a fresh new breeze. These are things that children do. The 'mature adult', as the world sees him today, is one whose thoughts are usually cynical and judgemental to some degree. To be as a child is what the Sage aspires to; a wonderous place of love and non-judgment. We're all capable of it. It's just that the path is simple but not easy and it involves both an outer and an inner journey.

[sweeney]

And lo, He Man was the most powerful man in the universe. Indeed so great was his power; he could smash mountains to smithereens, reducing them to dust. He could suck in the cosmic wind, and drink the very sea. Yea, with a motion of his huge arms he could spin galaxies. Verily he held the universe in his hands. Evil trembled at the sight of this hero riding on the wind with his intrepid battle cat. All demons fled in terror screaming in fear. No monster dared approach him. There was one who hoped to defeat him; Skeletor, a foul graveyard ghoul stinking of death. Ah ha ha ha He Man I will rule the universe one day! He cackled. He Man would laugh with a sound like thunder. Good will always defeat evil. One bright sunny morning, He Man tripped as he got out of his royal bed, for he was disguised as a prince, and fell smiting his head. He Man died. Skeletor laughed Ah ha ha ha I have the Power! But he got bored as there was no one brave enough to challenge him; evil against evil is like mixing wine with wine. So he became a drunkard and a bum; one day he got run over by a chariot. Skeletor joined He Man in the land of the dead. Balance was restored. Though now He Man was evil and Skeletor a force for good...

[sweeney]

please put in your own skits. Remember the master used humour and overstatement to speak of the profound. He was taking the piss out of us.

[sweeney]

One dark and stormy night Mr C was in the old Chinese grave yard. He was looking for the Sutra of the Golden Lotus Tao Buddha. Finding it would make him immortal. It was buried in the grave of an old Tong called Mr Fu. With ninja stealth Mr C crept around looking this way and that for the crypt. An owl hooted and a thick silvery mist descended and suddenly Mr C became afraid. He could sense a presence. A hungry ghost?

 

"Hey Bruddah hang loose!"

 

A muscular dark skinned man stepped out of the mist carrying a guitar and a beer. It was Eddie Would Go, the local guardian spirit who was usually out at sea. Mr C fell to his knees in prostration.

 

"What ya lookin' for?"

 

"The The The Sutra of the Golden Lotus...

 

...Tao Buddha. Mr Fu used that to wipe his zombie ass. My Tao is the sea. When I ride the waves I am in accord with the Tao. Waves are like buddha mind; empty, no thing, but they carry you on lifes journey Bruddah. One minute you ride the perfect wave and become nothing, in accord, and you land on the beach. Other days you get wiped out and you end up at the bottom scraping the reef. But they are both the same things. You understand? There is no difference between a wipe out and a perfect pipe. Because there aint no waves really. A bad wipe out is perfect and if I hit the beach smooth then it's a bad fucking day, gnarly. So leave your books and hit the next set bruddah. I hear they are going to be big."

 

Eddie would go produced a magic board and handed it over to Mr C.

[sweeney]

Black Jack Davy was in the town gaol, waiting to be hung in the morn for living as a vagabond and vagrant. Next to him was a pious man scheduled to be executed for by fire for being an evangelical. The turf minister was preaching about god bringing down fire and his wrath destroying the idol worshipers. The Arch Angel St Michael would fly down on his steed and smote the pagans of Rome and the Anglicans with his sword of truth. Black Jack began to whistle and then sang a little song of his own, as the preacher spat his hate filled psalms.

 

God is in Me

 

Me is in God

 

God is a Goat

 

a Goat is God

 

I smoke my pipe

 

I drink my whisky

 

And when Flange presents I am ecstatic

 

for Flange is God too

 

And God is Flange

 

Why die over the old whiskered shan Hallion up in the clouds?

 

Better to worship the Fire in you

 

The Sword of your mind

 

The Angel that lives in the pond

 

or in the body of John Barleycorn

 

Who would fill a ranters grave?

 

Me!

 

 

The turf preacher didn't listen to the song. His ears where glued shut with righteousness and fear. There was no sign of understanding in his unseeing open eyes. Black Jack Davey was sad for him. If he had an ale he would gladly have shared it with him and spoke about God. The preacher would go to the fire and suddenly realise that he was God. Such a waste.

 

 

 

Flange: Female pudenda

 

Shan: Old or Decrepit

 

Hallion: Rascal

[sweeney]

One fine day, Richard Gere, Bruce Lee, and Kung Fu Tzu were walking along the road. There was a sudden shout in the air "The Pet Store is on fire help! help!" Kung Fu Tzu sprung into action as quick as a golden cobra and rushed to the scene. The heat was fierce and he tried in vain to save the poor bunnies and guppies and puppies. Before long, smouldering and his lungs burning he fell to the ground in a terrible state. Richard Gere could only look on with utter compassion at the poor sentient beings. The pet shop was a non-thing, a non-event; it was swirling maya in action. He recited words from an old Tibetan chant to make sure the souls of the cats and lizards were born in the human realm and not have to suffer on the wheel of being or in the hells. Bruce Lee had ran to a phone box and called for the fire brigade who smashed the windows and saved as many animals as they could. They even poured some water on venerable Kung Fu Tzu and got an ambulance to take him to hospital. And so ends the tale of the three sages and the burning pet shop.

[Owledge]

I like the last one very much. It shows how very different approaches don't have to create division, but complement each other.

If Bruce Lee had been asked why he had called the fire brigade, I guess he would have said something like: "Always use the most efficient means!". Also, none of the others called the fire birgade, so he also made sure to use all available options.