Dejected about my situation in modern Life

[EastDream]

Mostly with my family. Mom and brother. I am beginning to find energy in new places and making new friends who are on the same wavelength. The Tao wavelength. But even then I think, its hard. There are so many masses out there who just don't care about the Way.

 

Then I come back to my family. I love my family, but I also cannot be near them for too long. I find myself in a bad situation now because I am home for the holidays. My mother is a very forceful, non natural kind of person. I've felt since coming home that its been near impossible to maintain my simple way of life, as this house is full of junk and, noise. My mother doesn't understand the concept of go with the flow and let go and things will naturally fall into place. She is a very stressful person and the atmosphere I am forced to live in is rubbing off and affecting my inner mindstate. It is just increasingly difficult as I feel I am becomming more like them the longer I am here. And I've worked so hard to move myself out of that spot.

[Trash Filter]

Normally, I don't respond so much to personal things like this online, but know that there are others out there that feel similar things. I am one person.

People's desires and egos have grown so big compared to the older generation that the modern life which is the inheritance of these folk is plainly limited and even unfulfilling.

Whatever you do, don't give up. Also remember modern life is the way it is because we all have chosen this. We can change to be more with tao, but we must remember we all depend on others to survive, so we have to work with the system that is in place (sometimes unfortunately). There's a reason why its been placed like this, and will come more apparent that- its for good reason.

Lastly, remember- we are walking points that can manifest. So think in detail what world you want and i guanrantee you will help make the place more tao and attract more people on the wavelength. This is the prayer that changes things.

 

TF

[xenolith]

Exercise compassion for the individual people that comprise your family. Culture your Te.

 

All that one encounters is an opportunity to grow closer to the Tao...indeed the more difficult, the more an opportunity...to be compassionate, to subjugate your ego, to grow closer to the Tao...

 

Your family visit is a blessing.

[SFJane]

Then I come back to my family. I love my family, but I also cannot be near them for too long. She is a very stressful person and the atmosphere I am forced to live in is rubbing off and affecting my inner mindstate. It is just increasingly difficult as I feel I am becomming more like them the longer I am here. And I've worked so hard to move myself out of that spot.

 

 

I very much sympathize with you. It's a difficult situation. Have you considered the possibility of maybe not going back to see them? I am just thinking that, when your stability is a newly acquired thing, it's okay to be selfish and say to yourself, "I don't need this disruption in my life. It's not a good thing for me." Sometimes you have to set boundaries to secure your own sanity or until you are stronger and have more resources to deal with a specific kind of theater like that.

[Aaron]

Hello EastDream,

 

I'm sorry to hear you're getting stressed out. One thing to keep in mind is that these are the same people that you've known your entire life, and what's really changed is you. If you're asking me what you should do, I really don't want to tell you that, because this is a decision you need to make for yourself.

 

When I'm around my family and they're stressing me out, oftentimes I'll go for a walk or get away and find someplace to mellow out. I don't get involved in the drama. When they start talking about one another I stay out of it, I don't take sides. I tend to only get involved if I think it's very serious and someone needs my help.

 

No one can make you feel anything you don't want to feel, remember that. Also I try to remember to look at it from my mother's perspective. She might be a pain in the ass, but I know what her parents were like and I know that she did a better job with me than her mother did with her.

 

In the end, we all do the best we can. We can't do anything more than that. There's this meditation I recite when I start to worry, it goes, "In the Tao I can find peace, In peace I can accept the things I cannot change, have the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." (It's a modification of the serenity prayer, but it still works.)

 

One other thing I try very hard to do is not to have anger or hatred for others. If I am feeling anger or hatred for someone I try to change that frame of mind. I hope for only good things for that person, that they receive everything they want in life. Sometimes I'll stop and think about this and visualize those people with the changes they want in their lives. If I do it long enough, the anger usually goes away.

 

Other than that, I would suggest that you just do the best you can and accept your family for who they are. As I said they are the same people you've known all your life, you're just changing and perhaps they're not used to that yet, but give them time, and if they really do love you, then they'll accept the new you eventually.

 

My thoughts are with you.

 

Aaron

[Trickster_Crow]

A fighter pilot was once said to be admired by a well known pacifist, when asked why he admired a man so against his own beliefs the man replied "I judge a man by his own principles. Not my own." -Martin Luther King

 

A lesson I learned not too long ago is the change has to take place within you before it seemingly takes place within others. I had a nephew that I couldn't stand(I felt like I genuinely hated this kid) I would seriously DREAD being around this kid for even a few hours because it seemed to drain me(and he'd always pick to be around me a few days). He'd come over and he wouldn't really hang out he'd be doing his own thing and I'd get so upset because I didn't understand why and the hell he'd come over but would go about doing his own thing in solitude. It seriously pissed me off. Then I started doing MY own thing and let him be (I'm a kind of a lone wolf anyways).All those expectations dropped off and I just let him be. I started to sort of enjoy his company in a different kind of way. I actually felt a love for him. It wasn't nearly as draining on myself either. I mean I still prefer my solitude but I no longer fret even the thought of him coming over.

[Trunk]

Family dynamics are genuinely challenging. Psychologists get certified as MFCC's "marriage, family, & child counselors" for a reason.

[dawei]

My mother doesn't understand the concept of go with the flow and let go and things will naturally fall into place.

Be very HONEST. She is following her nature and you are 'trying' to follow your understanding; which one of you probably feels they are more like 'go with the flow' of their actions?

 

IMO, Your like someone trying to swim up current right now.

 

If you were to raise at dawn and see sunrise; and then at dusk see sunset... and just "feel" that. Do you "feel" that as you are with your family? Isn't their emotions like the sunrise and sunset?

 

Maybe I am too cliche. But What I feel is that your not truly settled in your searching; your still searching which means your still thirty.

[RiverSnake]

There is no simple solution to your problem...so i'll just say that perseverance is a virtue.

[三江源]

hi EastDream.

 

As you see, people know what you are talking about! We all experience it.

We re- programme, or un - programme, ourselves, and get slowly reprogrammed by an environment which put into place the original programming. Over and over again.

 

And each time it happens we get a little better at not getting reprogrammed, hopefully.

 

There are tons of methods of doing this.

 

The point is that this is the work you are doing. It isnt a straight road, but you are on it.

 

So congrats for being on the road.

 

Maybe you can laugh at it sometime. Maybe sometime it make you cry.

 

Maybe it's called the road to freedom.

 

We are all here alongside you, we are all doing this. Welcome and good luck.

[manitou]

Very best of luck with your family dynamics.

 

My personal trick would be to try and stay in awareness that we are all One. You are your mother. Envision a huge hunk of swiss cheese and then see yourself as a hole in the cheese, your mother another hole. If there are things about her that bug you, that's because she's a mirror of you and in some fashion you have the very same issues unresolved inside you. I'd try to look at this visit as being a blessing from the Tao, an opportunity for you to do some internal housekeeping. You can turn this around to your benefit if you're willing to go in a bit.

[Birch]

I'd visualize my mother stuck inside the swiss cheese from where she can't get out and bug me.

Or maybe just her eating a bunch of swiss cheese so she doesn't start in on me.

 

I think it's far too "spiritually advanced" to ask me to be around my family for any real length of time. I know where my limits are with them and when I reach them, I leave. I've found it easier if I bring people with me, because my mother is too busy trying to impress that she leaves me alone. Works a charm

 

Aside from that, i don't force myself to be with them or love them. Causes me more pain and suffering than anything else so I concentrate on the people I do want to be around and love.

 

I know the "mirror" story gets thrown around a lot. I'm not so sure about that one any more.

[三江源]

.... so I concentrate on the people I do want to be around and love.

 

 

HOORAY for that one.

[manitou]

I'd visualize my mother stuck inside the swiss cheese from where she can't get out and bug me.

Or maybe just her eating a bunch of swiss cheese so she doesn't start in on me.

 

 

 

Good point.

 

Four years ago I did a cosmic backflip from California to Ohio because I had to get out of the dynamic with my mother. But I do try to 'love' her, just to get the most mileage for my own heart. I call her at least every two days, sometimes every day. I allow her to bounce her Rush Limbaugh witticisms off me and I actually use these conversations as a gauge to see if I'm in a transcendent enough place or not. It actually feels pretty good doing this. If she weren't my mother, there is no way in the world I would choose this lady as a friend. But, here we are.

[Otis]

Great responses, everyone!

 

The only thing that I have to add is that time with family can be seen as an opportunity: not only to practice being centered, but also to bring to family that gift of calm and ease. Modeling that (without preaching about it) can help shift the dynamic for everyone.

 

That way, too, when the triggering behavior occurs, your emotional response doesn't have to be: "oh, no, not again!" but rather "I'm so glad that I am choosing this path of calm". Rather than being an assault on your inner peace, it can be a reinforcement for seeking a path of peace.

[SFJane]

 

I think it's far too "spiritually advanced" to ask me to be around my family for any real length of time. I know where my limits are with them and when I reach them, I leave....Aside from that, i don't force myself to be with them or love them. Causes me more pain and suffering than anything else so I concentrate on the people I do want to be around and love.

 

 

I totally agree with this. For me it's a matter of self-respect. I won't allow myself to get abused psychically or emotionally by someone else's mental malfunctions. Didn't Mark Twain say something like, "You can pick your friends but not your family?" He was wrong. You can pick your family too. You pick and choose whether or not you want to be part of their drama. It is not weakness to know your limits, and it is okay if family interactions are one of those limits.

Edited December 22, 2010 by SFJane

[EastDream]

Thank you all for all the responses. I didn't expect so many. It is good to see so many people relate to a situation such as this.

 

There is, for sure, a lot of good and different (varied) viewpoints and opinions) which I will absorb gradually over time. In the meantime, I thank you all for your thoughtful and many responses; and wish you all the best this time of year : )

[JohnC]

Mostly with my family. Mom and brother. I am beginning to find energy in new places and making new friends who are on the same wavelength. The Tao wavelength. But even then I think, its hard. There are so many masses out there who just don't care about the Way.

 

Then I come back to my family. I love my family, but I also cannot be near them for too long. I find myself in a bad situation now because I am home for the holidays. My mother is a very forceful, non natural kind of person. I've felt since coming home that its been near impossible to maintain my simple way of life, as this house is full of junk and, noise. My mother doesn't understand the concept of go with the flow and let go and things will naturally fall into place. She is a very stressful person and the atmosphere I am forced to live in is rubbing off and affecting my inner mindstate. It is just increasingly difficult as I feel I am becomming more like them the longer I am here. And I've worked so hard to move myself out of that spot.

 

1.There is nothing like family to help you find where you are really at. Sure it's easy in a vacuum... but family is the test of years of built up social masks, patterns,etc etc.

 

2. Boy you sure sound like you know the 'right' way. Which must be better.

 

3.Remember you only have control of you... sounds kind of like you want to change some one else so that you'll feel ok with the situation.

 

A few options, some that I see, is you be so present and strong, that you bring them up. Not by instruction and pissy temper tantrums, but through example.

Another would be to acclimate down to their level. But know that any movement causes movement in all sides. If you move down it would be an exchange unless they refused to give up their patterns.

 

A family is like a knot. If one string moves, they all move.

 

Remember that presence causes everyone involved to grow. Both through their not being reacted too, and you not reacting. Showing that everyone is ok/good/love worthy as is.

 

John

[Otis]

I totally agree with this. For me it's a matter of self-respect. I won't allow myself to get abused psychically or emotionally by someone else's mental malfunctions. Didn't Mark Twain say something like, "You can pick your friends but not your family?" He was wrong. You can pick your family too. You pick and choose whether or not you want to be part of their drama. It is not weakness to know your limits, and it is okay if family interactions are one of those limits.

Jane (and Kate): I get where you're coming from. I try not to schedule too much time with family at any one stretch, because I know that eventually my calm and center get weathered, and then I end up contributing to emotional drama, rather than rising above it. And no doubt, family and drama are inseparable.

 

I also have the perspective, however, of seeing one of my siblings not try at all. He's basically turned the family into the enemy, and makes all of us jump through a bunch of hoops, in order to be rewarded with his presence. He has an extremely narrow view on what is acceptable, so the smallest emotional hiccups confirm his paranoia, sending him running away from the family amidst grunts of "never again".

 

I have spent 20X more time with family, over the last decade, than my brother, and have rarely felt overwhelmed or like I needed to flee. I just don't see the family as that difficult (admitting, of course, my limits that I mentioned in the first paragraph).

 

Now, I am not right about my family, nor is my brother wrong. But reality also includes parents in their 70s, and the possibility of anyone suffering from calamity in the meantime. I have seen what happens when someone does not resolve conflict before the death of the other family member, and the residual weight of that is huge.

 

So, I won't pretend for a moment to understand what your respective family lives are like, and I know my experiences will not necessarily generalize to y'all. But I think it's worth mentioning the other side of seeing "family interaction" as "one of those limits". Those "limits" can be self-evident, while still being illusory. And there is something about family, in my experience, which cannot be replaced or taken for granted.

[johndoe2012]

I totally agree with this. For me it's a matter of self-respect. I won't allow myself to get abused psychically or emotionally by someone else's mental malfunctions. Didn't Mark Twain say something like, "You can pick your friends but not your family?" He was wrong. You can pick your family too. You pick and choose whether or not you want to be part of their drama. It is not weakness to know your limits, and it is okay if family interactions are one of those limits.

 

I kinda agree with on this however knowing that it could be a play of my mind. I have studied my mind lately and found that people who I really did see as having so many negative aspects suddenly didn't had them anymore. I was quite baffled to see this change of perception.

So at this stage I try not to listen to my thoughts so much, silencing the inner judge and just be.

[Birch]

Hey Otis,

 

I think it's once and again something that is up to the individual. Not every child in a family reacts the same way to the "way things are" - maybe there's fire where there's smoke? At worst, at the very worst, you could ask why?

 

I probably, at this point, should justify the years and multiple attempts and re-attempts I've made with my own family but I've realized that it's probably not to anyone's benefit.

 

Happy Christmas

[Otis]

Hey Otis,

 

I think it's once and again something that is up to the individual. Not every child in a family reacts the same way to the "way things are" - maybe there's fire where there's smoke? At worst, at the very worst, you could ask why?

 

I probably, at this point, should justify the years and multiple attempts and re-attempts I've made with my own family but I've realized that it's probably not to anyone's benefit.

 

Happy Christmas

No need to justify, of course. Just sharing a perspective from my own life, in case it might be useful.

 

Merry Christmas to you, too.

[EastDream]

Okay, I have tried many of the suggestions above. I have been so INCREDIBLY patient. I have tried to have been compassionate.

 

 

It's official. My family drives me fucking nuts. They will never change, have no respect or understanding for someone who is trying to. They trample over everything like a herd of elephants, they are loud, obnoxious, non zen in every way, and just don't know how to relate to human beings on a healthy and non-dysfunctional level.

 

I swear to you, I am so often in the best most serene, calm and welcoming state of mind when I am by myself. I am happy to greet my family, but seconds later the shouting across the house takes place, my brother and Mom will inevitably flare up an argument over something incredibly stupid and pointless, and the 'move out of my way' mentality kicks in (which is so non -Wu Wei), and my heart sinks like lead in a matter of minutes.

It is literally IMPOSSIBLE to be calm and nice and pleasant around my family. Infact, the dynamic is such that they actually LIKE the arguing and will go out of their way to get a rise out of you if infact they do notice you are pleasant and peaceful. I am... not.. kidding.

 

This place is filling me with anger and resentment, and is not good for me or my cultivation of my spiritual life. I have resigned myself to leaving as soon as the New Year comes (there is a party on New Years Eve, which I must attend with my...brother)..ugh.

 

 

God help these people. I hope they change, but my reason knows they won't. My brother is a depressive, cynical, passive aggressive asshole, and my Mother would have no idea what 'mindfulness' was, if the goddamn Dalai Lama himself magically teleported and explained it to her on a freeking lotus flower. It just doesn't change. Ever. I am tired of giving them chance after chance. I'm done.

Edited December 28, 2010 by EastDream

[Birch]

Okay, I have tried many of the suggestions above. I have been so INCREDIBLY patient. I have tried to have been compassionate.

 

 

It's official. My family drives me fucking nuts. They will never change, have no respect or understanding for someone who is trying to. They trample over everything like a herd of elephants, they are loud, obnoxious, non zen in every way, and just don't know how to relate to human beings on a healthy and non-dysfunctional level.

 

I swear to you, I am so often in the best most serene, calm and welcoming state of mind when I am by myself. I am happy to greet my family, but seconds later the shouting across the house takes place, my brother and Mom will inevitably flare up an argument over something incredibly stupid and pointless, and the 'move out of my way' mentality kicks in (which is so non -Wu Wei), and my heart sinks like lead in a matter of minutes.

It is literally IMPOSSIBLE to be calm and nice and pleasant around my family. Infact, the dynamic is such that they actually LIKE the arguing and will go out of their way to get a rise out of you if infact they do notice you are pleasant and peaceful. I am... not.. kidding.

 

This place is filling me with anger and resentment, and is not good for me or my cultivation of my spiritual life. I have resigned myself to leaving as soon as the New Year comes (there is a party on New Years Eve, which I must attend with my...brother)..ugh.

 

 

God help these people. I hope they change, but my reason knows they won't. My brother is a depressive, cynical, passive aggressive asshole, and my Mother would have no idea what 'mindfulness' was, if the goddamn Dalai Lama himself magically teleported and explained it to her on a freeking lotus flower. It just doesn't change. Ever. I am tired of giving them chance after chance. I'm done.

 

 

I voted you a +1 because you sound like you're accepting it.

 

In some very small ways I still haven't really. I figure if I'm "good" enough or "mindful" enough, or "something" enough then that will have the desired effect on them.

What is that, if not an attempt to manipulate them on my part? Not very "Taoist"

 

What's the "desired effect"? To receive some respect and some appreciation and some love. Has it "worked"? No. Not so far. So, as the old sage said "I'm not holding my breath". Also "I'm outta here".

 

Sending you some good vibes for New Year

[Everything]

Mostly with my family. Mom and brother. I am beginning to find energy in new places and making new friends who are on the same wavelength. The Tao wavelength. But even then I think, its hard. There are so many masses out there who just don't care about the Way.

 

Then I come back to my family. I love my family, but I also cannot be near them for too long. I find myself in a bad situation now because I am home for the holidays. My mother is a very forceful, non natural kind of person. I've felt since coming home that its been near impossible to maintain my simple way of life, as this house is full of junk and, noise. My mother doesn't understand the concept of go with the flow and let go and things will naturally fall into place. She is a very stressful person and the atmosphere I am forced to live in is rubbing off and affecting my inner mindstate. It is just increasingly difficult as I feel I am becomming more like them the longer I am here. And I've worked so hard to move myself out of that spot.

Interesting words there.

 

A guy once told me: "The only think in which we have real freedom/control is the choice of what environment we put ourselves in..."

Edited December 28, 2010 by Everything