Assertiveness

[Maddie]

I recently moved and got a job selling cars (which I hate, but its all I can find for now) and a lot of the other sales men are real douche bags. Anyways as one would suspect you need to be very assertive in this business but the problem I have been noticing is that when I get very angry I can literally not speak (and its usually at this point that I need to say something the most). Yea I get mad, and yea I want to say something, but I can't, and don't know why; any thoughts? solutions? theories?

[Otis]

I recently moved and got a job selling cars (which I hate, but its all I can find for now) and a lot of the other sales men are real douche bags. Anyways as one would suspect you need to be very assertive in this business but the problem I have been noticing is that when I get very angry I can literally not speak (and its usually at this point that I need to say something the most). Yea I get mad, and yea I want to say something, but I can't, and don't know why; any thoughts? solutions? theories?

Sounds like a gift to me. When I get angry is precisely the worst time to open my mouth.

[fiveelementtao]

I recently moved and got a job selling cars (which I hate, but its all I can find for now) and a lot of the other sales men are real douche bags. Anyways as one would suspect you need to be very assertive in this business but the problem I have been noticing is that when I get very angry I can literally not speak (and its usually at this point that I need to say something the most). Yea I get mad, and yea I want to say something, but I can't, and don't know why; any thoughts? solutions? theories?

I have experienced that also, my friend... Not fun...

 

Sounds like you were suppressed as a kid. One or both of your parents punished you when you tried to voice your anger or discontent? Or perhaps whenever you needed to speak up and "voice your truth" you were shamed and told to be quiet?

I'm just guessing... I could be wrong...

 

Working through this with a therapist is the best long term solution (IMO). outside of that, meditating on the throat chakra and journaling your feelings might help.

perhaps while in meditation, you can imagine yourself as a little kid and allow him to share with you his anger and sadness about not being allowed to speak his Truth... This has helped me. It may mean alot of crying and grieving.

 

I salute your bravery...

Edited January 4, 2011 by fiveelementtao

[Aetherous]

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Edited February 24, 2011 by center

[RiverSnake]

perhaps while in meditation, you can imagine yourself as a little kid and allow him to share with you his anger and sadness about not being allowed to speak his Truth... This has helped me. It may mean alot of crying and grieving.

 

I salute your bravery...

 

Indeed, i am using a similar technique right now. I go back to any memory that was negative in my childhood and "fix it". Lot of powerful releases and quite a bit of tears.

[manitou]

I'll bet there's actually a way you can have some fun with wu-wei in the car selling business.

 

Also, please don't think for a moment that people actually like those assertive douche bags. I went to buy a Jeep last month and physically stepped around the A-holes and walked straight up to a fellow sitting at his desk and finishing up some paperwork, just because he looked mellow and relaxed. We bought the Jeep from this guy.

 

You could have some fun with the Be Here Now mindset and the Not-Doing. I'll bet you could really turn this thing around if you let the Tao flow. Just make sure you put the mindset on before you walk in every day. Renew it again at lunch.

[manitou]

I just had another thought.

 

One thing you could do would be to make your particular work space yours. (If this is just a short-time job this wouldn't make sense, because it would take a while to work up). Make something subtly different about YOUR desk, your area. Maybe a red throw rug and a small muted gold gong? Or water? A place where the Tao would flow. This would become a natural attractant over time, the energy would flow in the direction of love and wisdom. Also, kids would love to hit the gong once in a while - it would just bring a nice different kind of life force to the entire work location.

 

Another thing that would make you more comfortable with the douches is to find something to like about each one of them. If one guy's a chronic smartass, you could admire him for his mental focus and witticisms, try to separate that aspect from the actual remarks. It won't do a thing for them, but it should keep you in a lighter place.

 

The problem of the pack of wolves that jumps at you when you walk into a dealership is just horrible. It's intimidating to the customers, and no one in their right mind actually thinks those smiles are real. As one whose tastes run to the Tao, I can just imagine how much of a fish out of water you are. Your natural inclination would be to not compete, to allow. There's got to be a way that you can be successful without having to join the pack. I certainly wish you well.

[NeiChuan]

I recently moved and got a job selling cars (which I hate, but its all I can find for now) and a lot of the other sales men are real douche bags. Anyways as one would suspect you need to be very assertive in this business but the problem I have been noticing is that when I get very angry I can literally not speak (and its usually at this point that I need to say something the most). Yea I get mad, and yea I want to say something, but I can't, and don't know why; any thoughts? solutions? theories?

 

Hm I have the same exact problem haha.

 

Thing that helps is to not get emotional about the problems, dont get angry.

 

There's no need to bring your anger into the conversation, just use your logic to dominate it. Be assertive but don't lose your footing and be angry.

 

People im talking with in a serious tone sometimes think I can be a dick, but it's probably better then to be walked on by them. Afterall if they always did they'd be the ass.

[devoid]

When I feel my anger rising to the point where it is about to cloud my mind, I simply treat is as rising qi. This allows me to redirect it forcefully back down into the dantian using the same circuits as for MCO. I find that it takes reverse abdominal breathing to do the trick of really forcing the steam back into the dantian. After only few such dragon breaths I have fully contained my anger (it simply vanished) and I am able to act with my full faculties. Don't forget to be rooted - thereby you can send you fury down through the ground if there is any excess supply.

[theRet]

Sounds like you were suppressed as a kid. One or both of your parents punished you when you tried to voice your anger or discontent? Or perhaps whenever you needed to speak up and "voice your truth" you were shamed and told to be quiet?

 

I am currently exploring/working on this as a cause of my internal anger, which comes out unskillfully and destroys me inside.

 

I see it in the way my mother babysits my nephews. If they cry, diversion tactics (generally food). When they get mad, "Oh you're just being cranky." Nothing is explored to any depth other than subversion.

 

 

I believe the source is what, from a dialectic therapy standpoint, is called an "invalidating environment".

 

I recently moved and got a job selling cars (which I hate, but its all I can find for now) and a lot of the other sales men are real douche bags. Anyways as one would suspect you need to be very assertive in this business but the problem I have been noticing is that when I get very angry I can literally not speak (and its usually at this point that I need to say something the most). Yea I get mad, and yea I want to say something, but I can't, and don't know why; any thoughts? solutions? theories?

 

I have had luck with questioning those who raise "invalidating" remarks upon speaking to them. "What makes you say that?" or "Why would you believe that?" is what I say w/o any inflections. It helps them see how they have nothing to stand on, just like me.

[Mr. T]

"Also, kids would love to hit the gong once in a while - it would just bring a nice different kind of life force to the entire work location."

 

i really like this idea...and then every time you close a deal you could hit it obnoxiously...your co-workers would really love you then!!

 

as far as me having some actual advice for you, i got nothin'. maybe other than i agree that i try to avoid the real pushy salespeople, if that's any consolation. good luck...

[Maddie]

I have experienced that also, my friend... Not fun...

 

Sounds like you were suppressed as a kid. One or both of your parents punished you when you tried to voice your anger or discontent? Or perhaps whenever you needed to speak up and "voice your truth" you were shamed and told to be quiet?

I'm just guessing... I could be wrong...

 

Working through this with a therapist is the best long term solution (IMO). outside of that, meditating on the throat chakra and journaling your feelings might help.

perhaps while in meditation, you can imagine yourself as a little kid and allow him to share with you his anger and sadness about not being allowed to speak his Truth... This has helped me. It may mean alot of crying and grieving.

 

I salute your bravery...

 

Yes that is exactely how it was when I was a child, and yea I was also thinking working on the throat chakra, and probably also the solar plexus chakra as well as the liver would be the way to go.

 

edit*

Throat chakra for the obvious reasons of suppressed communication.

 

Solar Plexus for its role in personal power issues.

 

Liver in is role in anger/assertiveness. I think what is going on is that I have a blockage in my liver, so where as it is supposed to express assertiveness in such situations, this energy gets stuck and there for gets hot and burns as anger, plus the fact that its "stuck" is exactely how my voice feels when I'm really angry. There is a condition in TCM called "Plum Pit qi" it is a symptom of Liver chi stagnation, and it feels like there is a "plum pit" stuck in your throat, so there is some sort of connection between the liver (anger) and the throat (communication).

Edited January 5, 2011 by dmattwads

[Maddie]

It's helpful to meditate peacefully within the heart first thing in the morning for a good amount of time. Then you can deal with frustration better throughout the day.

 

That is how I start just about every morning, makes me wonder how I'd be doing if I didn't do that lol?

[Maddie]

When I feel my anger rising to the point where it is about to cloud my mind, I simply treat is as rising qi. This allows me to redirect it forcefully back down into the dantian using the same circuits as for MCO. I find that it takes reverse abdominal breathing to do the trick of really forcing the steam back into the dantian. After only few such dragon breaths I have fully contained my anger (it simply vanished) and I am able to act with my full faculties. Don't forget to be rooted - thereby you can send you fury down through the ground if there is any excess supply.

 

 

I like this suggestion and will give it a try (I'm sure my esteemed co-workers will be happy to give me the opportunity to practice this lol)

[Birch]

There's nothing wrong with anger when properly directed at legitimate, um, "levels" of expression in legitimate situations.

 

However, if the douches are provoking you in a way that is incommensurate with what you're feeling, OR if it would be smarter to keep a lid on it (say, to keep your job until you want to throw it in), yup I'd point to the childhood thing too. Funny (not) how that shit keeps coming up, but anyway...So maybe, just maybe this is a thankful opportunity to rid yourself of the excess. Or as another poster suggested, let it pump you up. I liked that one.

 

I don't agree that getting a gong for your table is a good idea. Although "territory" should IMO be marked in some way. Maybe TaoMeow has some less obvious Feng Shui things.

 

As could learning to throw the boys some steak from time to time. A witticism can be mightier than the sword (I say) but you obviously can't do that until you get your "level" down to where it's bearable for you (and not "over the top" from their POV)

 

I thought you might like this http://www.thedoucheguide.com/

 

Who said meditation was for wusses?

[joeblast]

When I feel my anger rising to the point where it is about to cloud my mind, I simply treat is as rising qi. This allows me to redirect it forcefully back down into the dantian using the same circuits as for MCO. I find that it takes reverse abdominal breathing to do the trick of really forcing the steam back into the dantian. After only few such dragon breaths I have fully contained my anger (it simply vanished) and I am able to act with my full faculties. Don't forget to be rooted - thereby you can send you fury down through the ground if there is any excess supply.

good suggestion! transform it

[Maddie]

Lol I liked the douchebag link :-P ... Another thought I had today was to check out my heart meridain as the heart is responsible for social interaction in a normal way in society and is also affected strongly by shock.

What happens to me is that someone is rude to me, first I tend to go in a state of surreal shock as though I can't quite comprehend that someone would really be such a douche. This state of shock is what causes me to freeze up and not be able to respond.

I do feel that going back through childhood might be a very good way to get to the bottom of this as my parents always forced me to swallow my anger, and I have had a lot of good progress from going back to childhood stuff in the past with other issues as well.

 

*edit:

 

After a little more thought, I have come up with a more plausable explination. As a child my father would scream, slap, hit, scold, me if I ever expressed my anger. My mother would make me feel as though anger was an evil thing and make me ashamed of it. In both cases I feared. In the case of my father I feared him directly, and in the case of my mother I leared to fear the expression of emotion, anger in particular (interestingly enough my mother had a her gall bladder removed a few years ago, and the gall bladder with the liver are responsible for anger, which she always suppressed). I learned as a child that anger just got me hit, or screamed at, or a speech, and that it was far safer to supress it. So it would seem that fear trumphed the role of anger in my life. Fear is the emotion of the kidneys and adreanals, fight of flight, it makes us "freeze". Now in situations where I should get angry, instead I freeze, as though what I am scared of is letting anger out. It is as though my kidneys have taken over the role my liver should be doing. My liver seems to be doing its job (cause I certainly feel a lot of anger) but my kidneys do not let it out. So I feel that the best thing I can do now is to go into my kidneys and let them know that in some situations it is ok to express anger/assertiveness (like when someone is trying to take advantage of you).

Edited January 5, 2011 by dmattwads

[Birch]

"in some situations it is ok to express anger/assertiveness (like when someone is trying to take advantage of you)."

 

Bingo!