Unhelpful judgment, or a taste of the truth?

[Cat Pillar]

I spent an hour trying to write up this long and introspective post about certain psychological and emotional hurdles I'm faced with. But each time I would get near the end, have the wording just right to properly convey the situation...I'd think to myself, "You're being a whiny little bitch. Stop it. Put up or shut up, your complaining won't do shit. No one else can fix you, it's all on your shoulders." And then I'd delete the post. This happened a couple of times.

 

I believe this voice every time I hear it. I base my trust in this voice on the belief that I am 100% responsible for any suffering I experience, and I am 100% responsible for dealing with it.

 

Am I delusional for thinking this voice is telling me the truth, or is it the clearest thought I've had all day? The voice says I should delete this post too.

[NeiChuan]

I spent an hour trying to write up this long and introspective post about certain psychological and emotional hurdles I'm faced with. But each time I would get near the end, have the wording just right to properly convey the situation...I'd think to myself, "You're being a whiny little bitch. Stop it. Put up or shut up, your complaining won't do shit. No one else can fix you, it's all on your shoulders." And then I'd delete the post. This happened a couple of times.

 

I believe this voice every time I hear it. I base my trust in this voice on the belief that I am 100% responsible for any suffering I experience, and I am 100% responsible for dealing with it.

 

Am I delusional for thinking this voice is telling me the truth, or is it the clearest thought I've had all day? The voice says I should delete this post too.

 

I believe it's good to discipline yourself, hold back ect. If you genuinely want help then ask. Plus other perspectives can help you remember things you once forgot, that can help you in situations.

 

I think you're being delusional if you let thoughts like that change your mood, and you start beating yourself up. Not everything has too be emotional.

 

If you want input just ask

[pennyofheaven]

I spent an hour trying to write up this long and introspective post about certain psychological and emotional hurdles I'm faced with. But each time I would get near the end, have the wording just right to properly convey the situation...I'd think to myself, "You're being a whiny little bitch. Stop it. Put up or shut up, your complaining won't do shit. No one else can fix you, it's all on your shoulders." And then I'd delete the post. This happened a couple of times.

 

I believe this voice every time I hear it. I base my trust in this voice on the belief that I am 100% responsible for any suffering I experience, and I am 100% responsible for dealing with it.

 

Am I delusional for thinking this voice is telling me the truth, or is it the clearest thought I've had all day? The voice says I should delete this post too.

 

Taking responsibility does not mean you have to go it alone or try to fix it yourself. How can one take full responsibility for something too that might have unconsciously been caused. Suffering can be a learned way of being and unlearning can be a journey in itself to which we all need help with more often that not. Never think you ever have to go it alone. Obviously the quieter voice won over because you didn't delete the post. Not delusional. It always helps to question which voice is speaking at the time of perceiving.

 

Good on you for listening to the voice you didn't quite hear it seems.

[Cat Pillar]

I must admit I often fall prey to abusing myself, but it is something I'm conscious of and am working to correct.

 

I do want help, but I question whether that want is valid instead of just a result of unwillingness to face and take responsibility for my situation. In many ways I feel I already know what's wrong, and this continual search for "help" is just stalling for time or searching for a "magic bullet" to make it quick and painless, or maybe laziness and a desire to have someone "fix it for me."

[zerostao]

cat pillar, you made the choice to post imo it is fine to reach out and ask for other opinions,ideas, we all have hurdles,sufferings but sometimes it gets to a point when reaching out is probably the best option. sometimes dealing with it is better with some help or at least having someone to talk to that may let you look at it in a diferent light. ideally i like the idea of folks making the load lighter for their friends when it is appropiate. sometimes we are left to deal with things on our own.

[pennyofheaven]

I must admit I often fall prey to abusing myself, but it is something I'm conscious of and am working to correct.

 

I do want help, but I question whether that want is valid instead of just a result of unwillingness to face and take responsibility for my situation. In many ways I feel I already know what's wrong, and this continual search for "help" is just stalling for time or searching for a "magic bullet" to make it quick and painless, or maybe laziness and a desire to have someone "fix it for me."

 

Second guessing is probably more the description.

 

What is valid and what is not depends on the help you get. Only you will know and don't worry. We succeed more often than we fail at solving whatever dilemmas we find ourselves in. With help it is like a buffet. Take what works and disregard the rest. Perhaps the next serving something else will work. You are the magic bullet.

[pennyofheaven]

cat pillar, you made the choice to post imo it is fine to reach out and ask for other opinions,ideas, we all have hurdles,sufferings but sometimes it gets to a point when reaching out is probably the best option. sometimes dealing with it is better with some help or at least having someone to talk to that may let you look at it in a diferent light. ideally i like the idea of folks making the load lighter for their friends when it is appropiate. sometimes we are left to deal with things on our own.

 

Yes agree. Very wise.

[RiverSnake]

Whether we are 100% responsible for the various problems we have or not i've found that taking 100% responsibility is the most "useful" approach to a situation.

 

-By taking responsibility you put yourself in a pro-active situation rather than a reactive.

 

-I have dedicated the last few years of my life to "self development" and could type a couple pages on the subject however, i also have a little voice and it is telling me to stop while i am ahead.

 

-Peace

[fiveelementtao]

woops! double post...

Edited February 3, 2011 by fiveelementtao

[fiveelementtao]

Yes. Your want is valid. There is not invalid feelings or desires. It is just a matter of whether our actions are constructive or destructive. So, It's not an either-or proposition. Part of taking responsibility is seeking help. asking for help is one way to learn how to take constructive actions on our feelings.

 

There are many in the world who complain about not getting any help. But usually they just don't like the help they are given because it means they will have to change their viewpoint and take uncomfortable, frightening or even painful action to resolve the problem. And after a while, when they have burned all their bridges and refused every offer of help and there is no one left to help them, then they complain that no one cares and no one will help.

 

What you are suggesting seems to be very different. It sounds as though you are not just looking to complain about your situation but actually looking for a way to take action to resolve it.

 

So, find someone you can trust and respect and ask for help. The Universe will also rush to help you if you take action that sends the message that you are serious and willing to do the work necessary. Asking for help is the first action that sends that message..

 

I must admit I often fall prey to abusing myself, but it is something I'm conscious of and am working to correct.

 

I do want help, but I question whether that want is valid instead of just a result of unwillingness to face and take responsibility for my situation. In many ways I feel I already know what's wrong, and this continual search for "help" is just stalling for time or searching for a "magic bullet" to make it quick and painless, or maybe laziness and a desire to have someone "fix it for me."

[devoid]

I spent an hour trying to write up this long and introspective post about certain psychological and emotional hurdles I'm faced with. But each time I would get near the end, have the wording just right to properly convey the situation...I'd think to myself, "You're being a whiny little bitch. Stop it. Put up or shut up, your complaining won't do shit. No one else can fix you, it's all on your shoulders." And then I'd delete the post. This happened a couple of times.

 

I believe this voice every time I hear it. I base my trust in this voice on the belief that I am 100% responsible for any suffering I experience, and I am 100% responsible for dealing with it.

 

Am I delusional for thinking this voice is telling me the truth, or is it the clearest thought I've had all day? The voice says I should delete this post too.

 

Hi Cat Pillar,

 

Good question. You are the product of yourself in the environment that surrounds and influences you. As such, placing blame serves no real purpose other than trying to feel good (but the catch is that it only works when one is able attribute the blame to something else than the self).

 

Hmmm, so what do? You still want those hurdles out of the way, right? Well, keep working with them, but try to look at each as a blessing in disguise - a challenge or perhaps even the start of a small adventure rather than an obstacle or a even a fault.

 

The inner smile will help take this longer view. I wish you lots of happiness and contentment.

[Astral_Anima]

I spent an hour trying to write up this long and introspective post about certain psychological and emotional hurdles I'm faced with. But each time I would get near the end, have the wording just right to properly convey the situation...I'd think to myself, "You're being a whiny little bitch. Stop it. Put up or shut up, your complaining won't do shit. No one else can fix you, it's all on your shoulders." And then I'd delete the post. This happened a couple of times.

 

I believe this voice every time I hear it. I base my trust in this voice on the belief that I am 100% responsible for any suffering I experience, and I am 100% responsible for dealing with it.

 

Am I delusional for thinking this voice is telling me the truth, or is it the clearest thought I've had all day? The voice says I should delete this post too.

 

Only you know the answer to that. I have a voice like that too. I call it my intuition. It's leading me down a very bumpy road. From what I gather, we use our intent to reach out to our higher selves, out 'guides' which then help transform our unconscious behaviours/beliefs. This can often lead to unimaginable changes that we may outright reject. For example we may use our intent to ask to raise our vibration or experience divine consciousness and our high selves may transform our bodies and we may experience a loss of sex drive, or a lack of hunger and thirst, we may begin to see visions, expel dark emotions... things start happening and we may not be ready for it. The more we attach to concepts of what we "should" be the less progress we will make in spiritual evolution. The more limiting beliefs we hold the more we limit ourselves and our own transformation.

 

The above is all just a personal reflection. But honestly...what are you asking for? Ask yourself, what is the purpose of this post? What are you trying to accomplish? What function can we "the tao bums" serve in relation to your concerns? How can we really help?

 

-Astral

Edited February 3, 2011 by Astral_Anima

[Marblehead]

Hi Cat Pillar,

 

I think that what you spoke to effects all of us in one way or another.

 

First, I must say that yes, you are 100% responsible for any suffering you have to endure. This is because I believe that suffering is a psychological process that is basically saying. "Oh, poor me."

 

Secondly, the pains of life we must endure are different from suffering. We will have pains now and then during our lifetime whether it be physical or psychological. We must learn how to reduce, eliminate, or endure these pains. (If the pains are being caused by someone else then distance from the cause is one solution.)

 

Thirdly, we each are 100% responsible for anything in our life that we have 100% control of. We should not try to take responsibility for anything that is beyond our control.

 

And lastly, as others have already said, if the weight is overwhelming seek out someone who is willing to carry some of the weight for you. There is nothing wrong with asking for help.

[Jetsun]

I spent an hour trying to write up this long and introspective post about certain psychological and emotional hurdles I'm faced with. But each time I would get near the end, have the wording just right to properly convey the situation...I'd think to myself, "You're being a whiny little bitch. Stop it. Put up or shut up, your complaining won't do shit. No one else can fix you, it's all on your shoulders." And then I'd delete the post. This happened a couple of times.

 

I believe this voice every time I hear it. I base my trust in this voice on the belief that I am 100% responsible for any suffering I experience, and I am 100% responsible for dealing with it.

 

Am I delusional for thinking this voice is telling me the truth, or is it the clearest thought I've had all day? The voice says I should delete this post too.

 

I relate a lot to what you are saying, this is something I struggle with a great deal too

 

I'd say that one of the best ways of taking responsibility for your suffering is to reach out, easier said than done though

[joeblast]

_/\_

[Birch]

"You're being a whiny little bitch. Stop it. Put up or shut up, your complaining won't do shit. No one else can fix you, it's all on your shoulders."

 

I wonder where I've heard this before. Oh ya, mom. Thanks mom!

 

I think assigning responsibility is the hardest thing to do and so lots of people just decide to take it all upon themselves because they figure they can better deal with it that way.

 

I don't believe, and in practice have found, this is not necessarily the case. In fact, a child will all too often do this very thing in order to avoid having to see the truth, thus traumatizing themselves further (beyond the actual pain).

 

The truth is that mom is a nutcase with little soul and the cognitive capacity of a 12 year old who really shouldn't be having kids. Whether she's that way because of her parents, the weather, diet or government, it makes little difference to me.

 

However, I do believe, and in practice have found, that taking personal responsibility to heal oneself is a very helpful one to take. So congrats for doing that Catpillar. There are some very helpful people (and practices) on the TTB's.

[thelerner]

In some ways that attitude is good because if you want to see change, you have to create it yourself.

 

Its can be bad because..sometimes it is the worlds fault .

 

Life is like a poker game, you have to play the cards your dealt. Sometimes you simply get crappy hands. The thing about poker is there are a lot of hands dealt and in the long run its skill not luck that determines the winner.

 

When times are tough, cut your losses, hunker down, keep hope alive and your eyes open for opportunity. More cards are coming.

 

Michael

[Cat Pillar]

Thanks everyone for your replies! This post is going to be a doozy, my apologies!

 

-----------------

 

pennyofheaven,

 

Taking responsibility does not mean you have to go it alone or try to fix it yourself. How can one take full responsibility for something too that might have unconsciously been caused. Suffering can be a learned way of being and unlearning can be a journey in itself to which we all need help with more often that not. Never think you ever have to go it alone. Obviously the quieter voice won over because you didn't delete the post. Not delusional. It always helps to question which voice is speaking at the time of perceiving.

 

Good on you for listening to the voice you didn't quite hear it seems.

 

Even that which may have been created unconsciously, I still feel a responsibility for. If nothing else, it is my responsibility to realize it and if necessary, take action to alter whatever unconscious programming may have contributed.

 

I often have the feeling of being very alone on my journey. The source of this feeling I think leads to another dark place inside I have been avoiding. You're right, I don't have to go it alone, but I think I may have been unconsciously choosing to.

 

Second guessing is probably more the description.

 

What is valid and what is not depends on the help you get. Only you will know and don't worry. We succeed more often than we fail at solving whatever dilemmas we find ourselves in. With help it is like a buffet. Take what works and disregard the rest. Perhaps the next serving something else will work. You are the magic bullet.

 

I second guess myself a lot. I'm getting better at listening to my intuition, but I'm still a long ways from being on familiar terms with it.

 

"You are the magic bullet." I like that.

 

--------------------

 

zerostao,

 

cat pillar, you made the choice to post imo it is fine to reach out and ask for other opinions,ideas, we all have hurdles,sufferings but sometimes it gets to a point when reaching out is probably the best option. sometimes dealing with it is better with some help or at least having someone to talk to that may let you look at it in a diferent light. ideally i like the idea of folks making the load lighter for their friends when it is appropiate. sometimes we are left to deal with things on our own.

 

The different light phenomena has been true in other threads I have made...the variety of perspectives on various topics has led to a wider view, and helps in keeping from being too narrow and rigid in my understanding.

 

-------------------

 

Tao Apprentice,

 

Whether we are 100% responsible for the various problems we have or not i've found that taking 100% responsibility is the most "useful" approach to a situation.

 

-By taking responsibility you put yourself in a pro-active situation rather than a reactive.

 

-I have dedicated the last few years of my life to "self development" and could type a couple pages on the subject however, i also have a little voice and it is telling me to stop while i am ahead.

 

-Peace

 

Peace to you too! I agree, by taking responsibility it is no longer a defensive situation, and I think it allows for a clearer view of what must be done. After all, if you own it you become invested in it, and you are more likely to take a serious interest in doing something about it.

 

Those voices aren't always right, y'know.

 

------------------------

 

fiveelementtao,

 

Yes. Your want is valid. There is not invalid feelings or desires. It is just a matter of whether our actions are constructive or destructive. So, It's not an either-or proposition. Part of taking responsibility is seeking help. asking for help is one way to learn how to take constructive actions on our feelings.

 

There are many in the world who complain about not getting any help. But usually they just don't like the help they are given because it means they will have to change their viewpoint and take uncomfortable, frightening or even painful action to resolve the problem. And after a while, when they have burned all their bridges and refused every offer of help and there is no one left to help them, then they complain that no one cares and no one will help.

 

What you are suggesting seems to be very different. It sounds as though you are not just looking to complain about your situation but actually looking for a way to take action to resolve it.

 

So, find someone you can trust and respect and ask for help. The Universe will also rush to help you if you take action that sends the message that you are serious and willing to do the work necessary. Asking for help is the first action that sends that message..

 

I see what you mean about there not being invalid feelings and desires, this is something I often lose sight of.

 

I am definitely looking to take action. I spent a long time in the other camp, always asking for help and shying away from acting on any that was offered. I had such helpful viewpoints like "they just don't understand my situation" or "that may work for someone else, but my situation is special, it couldn't possibly work for me!". I've come to view these thoughts as a kind of arrogance.

 

There are many I respect, but one of my biggest issues is certainly trust. A surface level of trust is easy for me to maintain, but when it comes to opening up to someone...I avoid making myself vulnerable, and do so at almost cost. This is also something I'm conscious of and working on, although that work has been slow going.

 

----------------------

 

devoid,

 

I've often heard the advice to view our hurdles as blessings in disguise or challenges to be faced with enthusiasm...but I've never actually tried it. I think in some ways I'm attached to my adversity. Perhaps it would be helpful to isolate a particular issue and practice facing it as a challenge. A little gratitude thrown in for the gift of a learning opportunity would probably top it off nicely.

 

My counselor had me get a book, "Learning to Love Yourself Workbook." The third activity sounds pretty similar to the inner smile, except not directed at organs - you basically focus on the feeling of love, so you know what it feels like...and then project that feeling towards yourself. Haven't gotten to that one yet, but it might be time to jump in.

 

A note about counseling...while I have sought help in that sense, and I benefit from it...psychological help isn't the only kind I need. I've sought counseling for my mind...I'm taking martial arts for my body...but my spirit still feels hurt.

 

--------------------

 

Well, I'm out of time for now, I'll finish replying to everyone later tonight. Thanks again for your responses!

[johndoe2012]

I suggest you look into subpersonalities.

 

It has already helped me to tone down inner conflicts in just a few days of work.

 

I think your problem is not so much spiritual as suffering in the Buddhist sense, but more from a psychological issue.

 

A short list of common subpersonalities:

 

The protector/controller:

 

Consists of that part of us which tries to fit into the parents and what they want. It notices what works and what does not work, what pleases and what does not please. It learns how to protect our vulnerability.

 

The critic:

 

This is one which tells us we have got it wrong. It is extremely acute, and notices everything which could make us feel rotten about ourselves.

 

The pusher:

 

This is the one which tells us what we have not done the chores, written the letter, done the exercises. [...] As soon as we cross an item off the top of the list, the Pusher will add one to the bottom.

 

There are many more subpersonalities than listed above.

 

If you have any inner conflict, it is probably because of two subpersonalities fighting. Ask all your subpersonalities these questions:

 

* what do you look like?

* how old are you?

* what kind of situations bring you out?

* what is your general approach to the world?

* what is your basic motive for being there?

* what have you got to offer?

* what are your blocks to full functioning?

* what would happen if you took over completely?

* what helps you grow?

* how do you relate to women/children/men?

 

I hope you find it helpful.

Edited February 3, 2011 by wtm

[fiveelementtao]

A shamanic perspective is very helpful for me when dealing with critical inner voices. One technique I use is to enter a meditative state and then imagine myself in a very healing place. For me, it is in the mountains near a stream. Then I call my guides for protection. Then I set up a chair in the middle of a circle surrounded by my guides and helpers and then I invite my critical voice or problem or resistance or whatever I am trying to work through and then I put my critical voice on the hot seat and ask it. "What do you want to tell me?" "Why are you really here?" etc... Usually I find that the voice or the resistance is actually trying to protect me. Then I will ask what it is trying to protect me from and then I can get a good idea of what scenario initially started the dynamic. Then I find out that the thing that is working so hard to keep me blocked can be convinced to work in a different way to help change things. So, this is a way that I use to be pro-acctive in changing my internal subconscious beliefs. My experience is that these internal voices cannot be shut up. If I resist them, they will defeat me every time. But if I address them and seek to help them understand that whatever old instructions I have given them in the past is no longer working and I give them a better alternative, then they usually come around and then work to help change things for the better. But, just like people, they need to be talked to appreciated and included in the process...

hope that helps...

[devoid]

devoid,

 

I've often heard the advice to view our hurdles as blessings in disguise or challenges to be faced with enthusiasm...but I've never actually tried it. I think in some ways I'm attached to my adversity. Perhaps it would be helpful to isolate a particular issue and practice facing it as a challenge. A little gratitude thrown in for the gift of a learning opportunity would probably top it off nicely.

 

My counselor had me get a book, "Learning to Love Yourself Workbook." The third activity sounds pretty similar to the inner smile, except not directed at organs - you basically focus on the feeling of love, so you know what it feels like...and then project that feeling towards yourself. Haven't gotten to that one yet, but it might be time to jump in.

 

A note about counseling...while I have sought help in that sense, and I benefit from it...psychological help isn't the only kind I need. I've sought counseling for my mind...I'm taking martial arts for my body...but my spirit still feels hurt.

 

 

Hi Cat Pillar,

 

You're onto something very important here. Loving and respecting oneself is a very important tool in facing ones challenges. Affirmations can also be helpful in addition to the inner smile and similar practices - both from within and from the outside; i.e. "I love and respect myself as well as My surroundings / The Universe loves and respects me." - sorry if it sounds a bit cheesy, but it can be a lot of help when feeling unsure or hurt. This way you can close your eyes, take a deep breath and connect your mind and body: That's soul food for the spirit

[ShaktiMama]

First I would like to say this thread is an example of TTBs at their finest. What thoughtful, kind responses.

 

Secondly, I do the same thing. What you can do is just put it out there and see what kind of response you get. I have done that and sometimes get an ass whupping because of it. Lessons learned. A lot of times I don't get beat on.

 

Thirdly, you can save a draft and come back to it in a couple of days. Sometimes the issue resolves its self I have found.

 

Fourth, sometimes you just got to let it fly. We all have our bad hair days. Those of us who are thoughtful will see that. The rest of the commenters just ignore. (hard to do,I know).

 

Fifth: (!) some of those alter subcharacters (archetypes) in our life do have our best interests at heart (usually survival) but are unrefined in approach. It takes a while to develop the healthy inner adult to modulate those other voices. I find I just say to those "voices": thanks for your concern but please sit in the corner while I take care of this. Sounds like you are taking the right steps to develop your Inner Adult.

 

Susan

 

 

I spent an hour trying to write up this long and introspective post about certain psychological and emotional hurdles I'm faced with. But each time I would get near the end, have the wording just right to properly convey the situation...I'd think to myself, "You're being a whiny little bitch. Stop it. Put up or shut up, your complaining won't do shit. No one else can fix you, it's all on your shoulders." And then I'd delete the post. This happened a couple of times.

 

I believe this voice every time I hear it. I base my trust in this voice on the belief that I am 100% responsible for any suffering I experience, and I am 100% responsible for dealing with it.

 

Am I delusional for thinking this voice is telling me the truth, or is it the clearest thought I've had all day? The voice says I should delete this post too.

[XieJia]

Don't lose track of the present though...

 

Things comes and go.

 

Such as the whining and the stop-whining; all is the truth. Take it at the present and since these feeling should be long time gone. Don't worry too much about them. But listen and observe them; for they are very useful if you want to change your habit.

 

Best Wishes,

 

XieJia

[Cat Pillar]

Astral_Anima,

 

Only you know the answer to that. I have a voice like that too. I call it my intuition. It's leading me down a very bumpy road. From what I gather, we use our intent to reach out to our higher selves, out 'guides' which then help transform our unconscious behaviours/beliefs. This can often lead to unimaginable changes that we may outright reject. For example we may use our intent to ask to raise our vibration or experience divine consciousness and our high selves may transform our bodies and we may experience a loss of sex drive, or a lack of hunger and thirst, we may begin to see visions, expel dark emotions... things start happening and we may not be ready for it. The more we attach to concepts of what we "should" be the less progress we will make in spiritual evolution. The more limiting beliefs we hold the more we limit ourselves and our own transformation.

 

The above is all just a personal reflection. But honestly...what are you asking for? Ask yourself, what is the purpose of this post? What are you trying to accomplish? What function can we "the tao bums" serve in relation to your concerns? How can we really help?

 

-Astral

 

I've never had much luck using intent to do anything...at least as far as attracting anything like mystical experience. It's been helpful in more mundane aspects of my life, though.

 

Your questions to me are turning out to be very useful exercises in introspection, so thanks for asking!

 

The question is asked because I can't see the answer in myself. I tend to have very little patience with myself. I always assumed that impatient and judgmental voice was my intuition; but most spiritual and psychological sources seem to say that I'm being too harsh on myself. This confuses me, since I now question what I assumed was my intuition. I can't tell what IS my intuition, so I look for outside perspectives in the hope that my way might somehow be illuminated.

 

The more we attach to concepts of what we "should" be the less progress we will make in spiritual evolution. The more limiting beliefs we hold the more we limit ourselves and our own transformation.

 

This is precisely the issue. Are these judgmental views based in intuition or in some "sub personality" built around early psychological imprints from my environment? If this isn't my intuition, why do I have such an easy time believing it?

 

I have this belief that I should be trying harder. I have this belief that I'm not doing my best right now, and I could be doing a lot better if I just got my damn act together. This belief is largely inherited from my father, because that is how I perceived his reactions towards my behaviors. And, perhaps I have simply internalized these views and assumed them to be my own.

 

But still, it's very easy to believe them. My interpretation of a lot of the spiritual concepts I've read about seem to reinforce this voice, that I should be doing a lot better than I am. Although again, perhaps it's just that those internalized views are coloring my understanding of the concepts.

 

Hmm...I think for the first time I can actually pin down this view. The truth of the matter is that I'm disappointed in myself. I always felt that I was a disappointment to my father, and I now have taken that position as my own.

 

I have had a rocky relationship with my dad growing up, but in recent years it has actually been very good. He has told me numerous times that he's proud of me. However, even if he's proud of me...I'm still not.

 

I constantly feel as if I'm in a "failure" state. Nothing I do is ever good enough to constitute a "success" state. There's always another area I am failing in, another area where I'm not doing the right thing, not taking responsibility. I do not permit myself to feel accomplishment, and that is actually for two reasons. One, the sense that I should be doing better, and two, because I see myself as prideful and arrogant for thinking that I should be doing better (because it assumes that "I'm better than my current circumstances").

 

Huh. How convoluted is that?

 

It seems that this may also be impeding any sense of self-love. Perhaps because I have associated "love" as something that's a reward for behaving in a certain way, and since I am not behaving in the way that I feel I should be I have no desire to reward myself. So, a reframing of my view of love into a more unconditional state would be a beneficial paradigm shift, and likely begin the process of freeing up the other blockages up the chain.

 

Ah, self-inquiry. What a fascinating tool. Thanks again for the fuel! I'll have to get to the other replies later.

[The Observer]

I spent an hour trying to write up this long and introspective post about certain psychological and emotional hurdles I'm faced with. But each time I would get near the end, have the wording just right to properly convey the situation...I'd think to myself, "You're being a whiny little bitch. Stop it. Put up or shut up, your complaining won't do shit. No one else can fix you, it's all on your shoulders." And then I'd delete the post. This happened a couple of times.

 

I believe this voice every time I hear it. I base my trust in this voice on the belief that I am 100% responsible for any suffering I experience, and I am 100% responsible for dealing with it.

 

Am I delusional for thinking this voice is telling me the truth, or is it the clearest thought I've had all day? The voice says I should delete this post too.

 

I think you are right in taking responsibility for your own actions and not playing the blame game. Don't put yourself down though!