Parenting Myself

[Otis]

Since parents cannot always be watching, they do their best to inculcate their authoritative voices into the child, so the kid can thereafter defer to this "internal parent".

 

Of course, this internal parent is merely a cluster of functions that most resemble the real parent. As such, it is not inherently more mature than any other part of the brain, even though it thinks it is. It is simply more trained.

 

The internal parent has several limitations built into it. For one, it's raised dualistic, separating the world into good vs. bad, friendly vs. dangerous, should vs. shouldn't. Also, because of its conditioning, it displays certitude beyond its actual abilities; it insists that it knows, even though its experience of the world is no more thorough than any other parts of the brain.

 

Probably the greatest limitation of the internal parent is that it terribly uncreative. Its dualism and shoulds collapse interpretations into overly simplistic heuristics. And it relies on a very few mechanisms for enforcing action, such as shaming or praising the self, or of course, through will power.

 

What's wrong with will power? It is a useful tool for some things, but it is hardly a panacea. For example: what is the easiest way to effect a large change? Not by willing myself to do it, which is all uphill, but by falling in love with the task, so little effort is required to do it.

 

When it comes to raising an immature part of myself, will power only knows one solution: push myself against my desire, and keep on pushing. Just try harder. But of course, as we learn every year as the New Year's resolutions fade, will power quickly tires. Unless the will is oriented in the same direction as my current desire, then its effects don't last long. The habits return to their previous state, just with more self-loathing and helplessness included.

 

Clearly, some people have more effective will power than others, but even then, the effectiveness is dwarfed by what happens when we fall in love with a new activity or abstinence, since desire becomes our fuel, rather than our obstacle.

 

If I want a houseplant to grow, I feed it with sun, water, and nutrients. If I try to use my willpower to force it to grow, I will only do damage to the plant.

 

If I want a child to grow into new possibility, then I will try to find a fun way to engage them in practice of the new traits. If I rely on my willpower to get them to change, I will only breed resentment and alienation from the activity.

 

If I want another grown-up to see my point of view, then I cannot force it on them, because they do not recognize me as a special authority. So I have to learn where they're coming from, and build a bridge of understanding from there to the point I'm trying to make.

 

How different is it, then, when I try to grow the different parts of myself? If I want some part to grow, shouldn't I feed it, like I do the plant? Shouldn't I give it the opportunity to practice through play, like I do the child? Shouldn't I respect where that part is at, as I would another adult? Shouldn't I humble my "internal parent", my "self-critic", which acts as if it knows how to grow and fix the other parts of me, but which has never actually displayed real understanding of how an authentic organism grows?

 

IME, every part of my organism desires balance, harmony and maturity. The knowledge of how to grow up is built into the entire system, from muscles to visual cortex to compassion. If unthreatened, and given enough support and opportunity, the function seeks, on its own, to unfold from its conditioned state, and emerge as its authentic, balanced self, at ease with its function, and with the other parts of my system. "I" do not need to know how each function grows, because the function can handle that on its own.

 

In other words, if I want to grow, I need to stop trying to be my own boss, my own parent. I need, instead, to be my own therapist, ask questions and listen closely. I need to be my own uncle, who wants the best for all my parts, but doesn't take my "faults" personally. I need to be my own best friend, caring about what it is that I really desire, rather than just what one part of me thinks I should be doing. I need to be a gardener, who nourishes and prunes, but never tries to force the organism into a shape that doesn't naturally fit it. I need to be a child, because the "internal parent" is anything but humble.

[Mediman]

Since parents cannot always be watching, they do their best to inculcate their authoritative voices into the child, so the kid can thereafter defer to this "internal parent".

 

Of course, this internal parent is merely a cluster of functions that most resemble the real parent. As such, it is not inherently more mature than any other part of the brain, even though it thinks it is. It is simply more trained.

 

The internal parent has several limitations built into it. For one, it's raised dualistic, separating the world into good vs. bad, friendly vs. dangerous, should vs. shouldn't. Also, because of its conditioning, it displays certitude beyond its actual abilities; it insists that it knows, even though its experience of the world is no more thorough than any other parts of the brain.

 

Probably the greatest limitation of the internal parent is that it terribly uncreative. Its dualism and shoulds collapse interpretations into overly simplistic heuristics. And it relies on a very few mechanisms for enforcing action, such as shaming or praising the self, or of course, through will power.

 

What's wrong with will power? It is a useful tool for some things, but it is hardly a panacea. For example: what is the easiest way to effect a large change? Not by willing myself to do it, which is all uphill, but by falling in love with the task, so little effort is required to do it.

 

When it comes to raising an immature part of myself, will power only knows one solution: push myself against my desire, and keep on pushing. Just try harder. But of course, as we learn every year as the New Year's resolutions fade, will power quickly tires. Unless the will is oriented in the same direction as my current desire, then its effects don't last long. The habits return to their previous state, just with more self-loathing and helplessness included.

 

Clearly, some people have more effective will power than others, but even then, the effectiveness is dwarfed by what happens when we fall in love with a new activity or abstinence, since desire becomes our fuel, rather than our obstacle.

 

If I want a houseplant to grow, I feed it with sun, water, and nutrients. If I try to use my willpower to force it to grow, I will only do damage to the plant.

 

If I want a child to grow into new possibility, then I will try to find a fun way to engage them in practice of the new traits. If I rely on my willpower to get them to change, I will only breed resentment and alienation from the activity.

 

If I want another grown-up to see my point of view, then I cannot force it on them, because they do not recognize me as a special authority. So I have to learn where they're coming from, and build a bridge of understanding from there to the point I'm trying to make.

 

How different is it, then, when I try to grow the different parts of myself? If I want some part to grow, shouldn't I feed it, like I do the plant? Shouldn't I give it the opportunity to practice through play, like I do the child? Shouldn't I respect where that part is at, as I would another adult? Shouldn't I humble my "internal parent", my "self-critic", which acts as if it knows how to grow and fix the other parts of me, but which has never actually displayed real understanding of how an authentic organism grows?

 

IME, every part of my organism desires balance, harmony and maturity. The knowledge of how to grow up is built into the entire system, from muscles to visual cortex to compassion. If unthreatened, and given enough support and opportunity, the function seeks, on its own, to unfold from its conditioned state, and emerge as its authentic, balanced self, at ease with its function, and with the other parts of my system. "I" do not need to know how each function grows, because the function can handle that on its own.

 

In other words, if I want to grow, I need to stop trying to be my own boss, my own parent. I need, instead, to be my own therapist, ask questions and listen closely. I need to be my own uncle, who wants the best for all my parts, but doesn't take my "faults" personally. I need to be my own best friend, caring about what it is that I really desire, rather than just what one part of me thinks I should be doing. I need to be a gardener, who nourishes and prunes, but never tries to force the organism into a shape that doesn't naturally fit it. I need to be a child, because the "internal parent" is anything but humble.

Excuse me i don't post much but pop in now and then for a quick read,i have to say that this is one of the best things i've read for a long time thank you very much.

I tried to silence the various aspects of my self,especially the critic and the rebel which always gets me in to trouble but to no avail,had some very nice experiences in the process though through meditation.

Anyway i have given up now on silencing them it's seems a no win situation.

It starts everyday few mins after i get up,i can hold awarness for a short time but then the daily game of duality begins.

However those few mins is something to build on but getting my uncle or wise one to have a say is proving to be a very difficult operation amidst the pushing and shoving.

End of my ramblings.

Once again thank you very much.

[manitou]

If I want another grown-up to see my point of view, then I cannot force it on them, because they do not recognize me as a special authority. So I have to learn where they're coming from, and build a bridge of understanding from there to the point I'm trying to make.

 

 

Very nicely said!

 

I love where you're coming from on this. The concept of taking responsibility for our own behavior is huge. This, I think, is what produces the Te we seek; the ability to achieve through not-doing. It is also the most comfortable way to live.

 

In my experience, life becomes the teacher at some point, once we've gotten out of any particular structure. We let life happen, rather than make it happen. There is a dynamic that truly kicks in, although there is no way in the world to convince anyone else that this actually happens - it all seems too impossible, too naive. We've been conditioned to go out there and aggressively seek money. It's programmed into many of us from a very young age. I think it starts with "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

 

When we allow life to be the teacher, we look at each and every situation that comes down the pike. We look at our own responses (often in retrospect) and see where we could have handled it in a wiser fashion. And is there an apology due? If so, get out there and do it before the wrinkle becomes internalized. It's a little jab to ego to do this, but I suspect that's what it's all about, lol. In my experience, the amends or apologies that hurt the most are the very ones that I need the most for my own internal housekeeping.

 

If we lead an examined life, looking at our own behavior, then Nature will bring to us exactly what we need for our further development. If for example I have an excess of arrogance, Life or Tao will bring a seeming success for me, only to fall flat on my face the next day because of arrogance. It will happen over and over until I get the message that I'm not really such hot stuff after all.

 

This seems to be the way of the Tao, once we let it happen.

[Jetsun]

Great post, I have been trying to learn how to deal with my inner parent or critic for a long time, at times it feels more like an extreme dictator than a part of me which is looking out for my best interests.

[Otis]

Excuse me i don't post much but pop in now and then for a quick read,i have to say that this is one of the best things i've read for a long time thank you very much.

I tried to silence the various aspects of my self,especially the critic and the rebel which always gets me in to trouble but to no avail,had some very nice experiences in the process though through meditation.

Anyway i have given up now on silencing them it's seems a no win situation.

It starts everyday few mins after i get up,i can hold awarness for a short time but then the daily game of duality begins.

However those few mins is something to build on but getting my uncle or wise one to have a say is proving to be a very difficult operation amidst the pushing and shoving.

End of my ramblings.

Once again thank you very much.

Hi Mediman, thanks for the kind words. I'm glad the post resonated with you.

 

In my experience, shutting up the voices only makes them more important. The more I try to keep something down, the more spring-loaded it becomes, popping up violently later on.

 

That's why I try to invite every part of me to the table, let all the voices be heard and respected, even those that "I" don't agree with. Often, those voices just need to be heard, since they are, after all, alarm functions. I've been hitting 'snooze' on the alarms my whole life, but they just need to be heard, in order to be reset.

 

For example my fear of being a loser has a predictable alarm call; it says: "I am such a loser"! So, when I hear this alarm going off, I try to shut it down, because I hate being called a loser, and even more, I hate the fear of it. But if I hear the alarm out, I realize that it is just trying to do its job, just trying to remind me not to fall asleep to my responsibilities. So the voice goes from being an enemy that assaults me when I'm at my lowest, to being a monitoring system, that keeps an eye out for when I start to slip.

[Otis]

Very nicely said!

 

I love where you're coming from on this. The concept of taking responsibility for our own behavior is huge. This, I think, is what produces the Te we seek; the ability to achieve through not-doing. It is also the most comfortable way to live.

 

In my experience, life becomes the teacher at some point, once we've gotten out of any particular structure. We let life happen, rather than make it happen. There is a dynamic that truly kicks in, although there is no way in the world to convince anyone else that this actually happens - it all seems too impossible, too naive. We've been conditioned to go out there and aggressively seek money. It's programmed into many of us from a very young age. I think it starts with "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

 

When we allow life to be the teacher, we look at each and every situation that comes down the pike. We look at our own responses (often in retrospect) and see where we could have handled it in a wiser fashion. And is there an apology due? If so, get out there and do it before the wrinkle becomes internalized. It's a little jab to ego to do this, but I suspect that's what it's all about, lol. In my experience, the amends or apologies that hurt the most are the very ones that I need the most for my own internal housekeeping.

 

If we lead an examined life, looking at our own behavior, then Nature will bring to us exactly what we need for our further development. If for example I have an excess of arrogance, Life or Tao will bring a seeming success for me, only to fall flat on my face the next day because of arrogance. It will happen over and over until I get the message that I'm not really such hot stuff after all.

 

This seems to be the way of the Tao, once we let it happen.

Absolutely agreed, Manitou!

 

It is intimidating, to set out on my own, because there fewer sign posts to let me know that I'm on the right path. When things go wrong, it's tempting to give up, and seize onto someone else's system. But things going wrong is, of course, the very path of growth that teaches me the most!

 

As you say, Life brings us what we need to grow, precisely because Life is the whole reason for growing!

[Otis]

Great post, I have been trying to learn how to deal with my inner parent or critic for a long time, at times it feels more like an extreme dictator than a part of me which is looking out for my best interests.

Thanks, Jetsun.

 

Yeah, I had a pretty messed-up relationship with my inner critic, as well. It was so loud and demanding about certain lapses of mine, that instead of growing to fix those lapses, I would actually turn further away from the awareness of them. Not the best strategy, but I guess it served to keep the critic quiet, by inventing a blind eye toward the very things that the critic despised. No surprise, of course, that nothing ever changed; I just had an ongoing cycle of freak out - forget - repeat.

 

For a long time, I tried yelling back at the inner critic, but that certainly wasn't the answer, because my yelling was a sign that some voice of desperation was still in control. If I see the critic as an enemy, I'm still falling into self-hatred, because the critic itself is just part of me.

 

Gradually, I'm learning to have a real sense of humor with my critic. Let it have its say, without either flinching, fighting back, denying or succumbing. Just let it carry on, and accept that it is just an (overly-loud) alarm, which is trying to call my attention towards real issues in my life, that really are worth my time. I have found that, as I accept my critic more and more, that it has also calmed down, and is now trying to be much more of a "good citizen" with all the other functions of my brain.

[Everything]

Otis, you have made alot of great observations and I'm glad you shared them. I do disagree with some of the wording in your post. Sometimes you should pick better words for the thing you are describing, but abstracting trough the use of words/symbols is on itself an art that requires alot of genius. Even I fall for it, often.

 

When you are referring to trying to change something trough "willpower" that you have simply no control over and fail, the willpower is not the one to blame, ofcourse. The problem is in your own identity. If you have a strong identity and have good knowledge of your limitations, you know what you do and do not control, which results in a more efficient use of willpower. Willpower itself is always equally powerful, not matter how efficient or innefficiently you use it. Willpower is the power of your soul, and there is where freedom lies. The soul decides, thus it is the essence of your life. If you make wise and constructive decisions, society grants you more freedom.

 

I would not advice people to "stop being their own parent" either. As this word of parent is relevant to each person. If you say stop being a bad parent to yourself, I totally agree. But the details of that is entirely your own. You seem to understand it well enough.

 

Again, thanks for the post. It is always helpful to bring the maturation process itself under light. But shed no light so that you may do others no harm.

[Otis]

Otis, you have made alot of great observations and I'm glad you shared them. I do disagree with some of the wording in your post. Sometimes you should pick better words for the thing you are describing, but abstracting trough the use of words/symbols is on itself an art that requires alot of genius. Even I fall for it, often.

 

When you are referring to trying to change something trough "willpower" that you have simply no control over and fail, the willpower is not the one to blame, ofcourse. The problem is in your own identity. If you have a strong identity and have good knowledge of your limitations, you know what you do and do not control, which results in a more efficient use of willpower. Willpower itself is always equally powerful, not matter how efficient or innefficiently you use it. Willpower is the power of your soul, and there is where freedom lies. The soul decides, thus it is the essence of your life. If you make wise and constructive decisions, society grants you more freedom.

 

I would not advice people to "stop being their own parent" either. As this word of parent is relevant to each person. If you say stop being a bad parent to yourself, I totally agree. But the details of that is entirely your own. You seem to understand it well enough.

 

Again, thanks for the post. It is always helpful to bring the maturation process itself under light. But shed no light so that you may do others no harm.

Agreed, Everything, that the wrong word choice can make even people who would otherwise agree with me, miss my point. I am just using the most accurate possible words that I can, but I am well aware of the limitations.

 

I also agree that "willpower" is not a problem, per se. It is sometimes the most useful thing we have, and its maturation is a very worthwhile practice. I don't have a place in my cosmology for "souls", so I do not see willpower as belonging to that, but rather just see it as one of my many functions, like vision or imagination.

 

I do stand by my advice against "being a parent to one's self", because parenting (as I understand it) insists that one part is above, and the other part below. I do think that there is a fundamental error, whenever I start to believe that any specific part of me is somehow more wise, mature or "me" than any other part.

 

Waking up/growing up, as I see it, is about bringing all parts of the organism into health, efficiency and cooperation with all the other parts. Since there are many parts of my brain that don't seem as "me" as the parts that speak in English and seem sure of themselves (like the inner parent), it is easy to ignore those parts and only follow the insistent parts. But I see no reason to believe that the non-English-speaking, non-conceptual parts of my brain are less wise and clear than the parts of me which speak like a parent. So it seems arbitrary at best, for my "parental parts" to lead the other parts, in stead of listening to them, and learning from them.

Edited February 28, 2011 by Otis