BaguaKicksAss Posted November 27, 2013 Is this a TTB thread, or what? I was maybe, perhaps, sorta, kinda working on a TTBs thread when I saw that video . 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lemon_Squeezy Posted December 1, 2013 Lol at Kikkoman And argument clinic (brings back a vague memory..) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
zerostao Posted December 8, 2013 i had always heard that whether you were naughty or nice, santa claus would be watching. i wonder about his objectivity?! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
chegg Posted December 9, 2013 A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk. 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
chegg Posted December 11, 2013 (edited) Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green. Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole. The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... "I really think I'm gonna leave Dad at home next time !" ROFL ! Edited December 11, 2013 by chegg 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Apech Posted December 11, 2013 What kind of pizza for good King Wenceslas? Deep pan, crisp and even. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
C T Posted December 11, 2013 Marriage is a wonderful institution, but i cant imagine anyone wanting to live in one. -- H. L. Mencken Enlightenment comes when your third eye is at one with your turd eye and you can see your own shit. -- Chris Wynter A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James got a chuckle reading above recently. 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
chegg Posted December 12, 2013 (edited) . Edited March 28, 2015 by chegg 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
chegg Posted December 15, 2013 (edited) SEAMAN RETENTION FAIL ? Edited December 15, 2013 by chegg 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
chegg Posted December 24, 2013 (edited) A Baptist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are in the maternity ward. The Baptist says, “One more son and I have a basketball team.” The Catholic says, “That’s nothing, one more kid and I have a baseball team.” The Mormon guy says, “That’s nothing, one more wife and I have a golf course.” Edited December 24, 2013 by chegg Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Taomeow Posted December 24, 2013 (edited) A phone call at 3 am. "Hello?.." "Michelle, please." "You got it! Michelle, my belle, these are words that go together well, my Michelle..." Edited December 24, 2013 by Taomeow 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
chegg Posted December 24, 2013 (edited) Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?A: Because they have no attachments. The Master: I've never met someone so thoughtless in all my life. Keep up the good work.The Disciple: Thank you Master So, I hear reincarnation is making a comeback :-) Q. What did the sign in the monastery searching for new monks say?A. Inquire within! Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?A: Three -- one to change it, one to not-change it and one to both change- and not-change it. ROFL ! Edited December 24, 2013 by chegg 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
chegg Posted December 24, 2013 (edited) I saw a couple of Buddhist monks in a tea shop yesterday. They were looking at all the tea pots. So I walk past and said to them.."Its all an illusion" They probably thought I was a loony-bin. At least I made them laugh. Blessings of Laughter :D :D :D Edited December 24, 2013 by chegg 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
chegg Posted December 27, 2013 (edited) A man is talking to God. Man: "God, how long is a million years?" God: "To me, it's about a minute." Man: "God, how much is a million dollars?" God: "To me, it's a penny." Man: "God, may I have a penny?" God: "Wait a minute." ROFL ! Edited December 27, 2013 by chegg 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
chegg Posted December 30, 2013 A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'! There's no paper on this side either!" ROFL ! 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
C T Posted January 5, 2014 (edited) A new monk arrives at the monastery. He immediately gets assigned to help the group of monks responsible for copying old texts by hand. He quickly notices they are copying copies, not the original books. Puzzled, he made his way to have a word with the abbot. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, the same error will simply be continued in all the other copies. "Its a tradition here, and we have been doing it this way for hundreds of years, but you do make a good point, my son". After a while, the abbot took one of the copies and went down to the archive room to check it against the original. Hours later, he had yet to emerge from the basement where the archive room is located. So one of the monks quickly went downstairs to see if the abbot was ok. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the basement. Walking mindfully towards the muffled sound of someone who seems to be quite distressed, he found the abbot leaning over one of the original books and crying, full of grief apparently. He puts one hand reassuringly on the abbot's shoulder and asked what the matter was. With tears in his eyes, the abbot looked up to the monk and said in an almost sorry tone, "The word, son, is 'celebrate'...." Edited January 5, 2014 by C T 6 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
chegg Posted January 8, 2014 A Bible group study leader says to his group, “What would you do if you knew you only had four weeks left before the great Judgment Day?” A gentleman says, ”I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.” “Very good!” says the group leader. One lady speaks up and says enthusiastically, “I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.” “That's wonderful!” the group leader comments. One gentleman in the back finally speaks up loudly and says, “I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the four weeks.” The group leader asks, “Why your mother-in-law’s home?” “Because that will make it the longest four weeks of my life!” ROFL ! 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Marblehead Posted January 17, 2014 Overheard on the train, in a semi-meditative state. Two men in their 30s are talking to each other. One man says: "I'll only eat Activia if Jamie Lee Curtis comes to my house and feeds it to me herself...she's hot." Neat because Jamie Lee is my best friends fantasy sweetheart. I saw one of her earlier movies and she had a scene where she was bare chested. (Nice boobs!) I told my buddy and he told me to stop talking - that he didn't want to here it. Hehehe. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
soaring crane Posted January 17, 2014 I was helping two co-workers from quality-control with their English today (it's my job, more or less). One is German and the other is Russian, but living here in Germany and now trying hard to learn some English because he has to deal with international suppliers. We were in a conference room with a bunch of display parts (heat pump industry) and I had the Russian guy bring over parts and ask the German guy, 'What is this called in English?'. Then the German guy would take a guess at the name, and we would discuss the part... Really just a very relaxed atmosphere, we were having fun, and they're both good friends. At one point, the Russian guy was holding a stainless steel 'flow through heating element' and I asked him, 'What is it made of?' He looked at me and asked, 'What ... ?' I said, 'Yes, Victor, what is it made of?' He thought about it for quite a while, looked the part over very carefully and then said, very seriously and confidently, 'Ah, ok, I understand... Finland' We just cracked up laughing It's really good natured fun, no teasing (Victor learning English in Germany is the equivalent of me learning Russian in Spain or thereabouts), but his answer was just so funny, so serious yet so cliché wrong, like something out of a movie. "No, Victor, not 'where' ... 'what' ... ok, let's go over the question words again .... for the 5,000th time ... " Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Marblehead Posted January 17, 2014 "No, Victor, not 'where' ... 'what' ... ok, let's go over the question words again .... for the 5,000th time ... " Was it made in Finland? Hehehe. I remember those kind of days the first time I was in Germany. I did my best to learn Germany. One time I had gone to a hardware store to buy something and I asked the attendant if he spoke English (I was being lazy) and he said ( in German) "No, but I know you can speak German." So I talked with him in German and got what I needed. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
soaring crane Posted January 17, 2014 Was it made in Finland? Hehehe. haha, yes, it was made in Finland. He'd just got confused with the question words. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
