moment Posted January 17, 2020 A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!” 1 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
moment Posted January 19, 2020 (edited) We don’t serve time travelers here,” said the bartender. A time traveler walks into a bar. A man walks past a fridge and thinks he can hear onions singing Bee Gee’s songs but on opening the fridge he discovered it was only the chives talkin’ What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? Don’t know, don’t care. All those who believe in psychokinesis… raise my hand. Edited January 19, 2020 by moment 1 1 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
moment Posted January 19, 2020 In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. “That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” she asks. God shrugs, “I didn’t recognize you 1 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
moment Posted January 21, 2020 What Sound Does a Chinese Cat Make? Mao! 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SirPalomides Posted January 21, 2020 Fun fact, the Chinese word for cat is mao 貓, probably originally based on the sound they make, but the word for the sound they make now is different- miao 喵. 3 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
moment Posted January 25, 2020 (edited) Evil, mean, morbid and sarcastic jokes, quite tasteless and lacking class. Enjoy! You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo. You can't say that Hitler was bad through and through. He did kill Hitler, after all. A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?" "Yes, replys the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?" Edited January 25, 2020 by moment 1 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nungali Posted January 28, 2020 Number 3 some people say I have bad sense of humour , just the other day I made a joke about a car accident . Others complained : "What's so funny about a car accident ,? ..That's not funny, property is damaged , people are injured or killed .... at least wit until the ambulance leaves ! " Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
silent thunder Posted February 1, 2020 My son just laid me out flat, tears streaming with this one... Old People Are The Greatest... we looped it... omg it just kept getting better... 1 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Taomeow Posted February 1, 2020 4 hours ago, silent thunder said: My son just laid me out flat, tears streaming with this one... Old People Are The Greatest... we looped it... omg it just kept getting better... He had a premonition that it was going to hurt like a bitch. I'm sure he wasn't wrong. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
manitou Posted February 2, 2020 On 1/16/2020 at 7:06 AM, moment said: The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. I find this incredibly funny. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
manitou Posted February 2, 2020 On 1/30/2020 at 3:36 PM, moment said: I wonder what The Rapture would look like? 2 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
silent thunder Posted February 2, 2020 omg... the cape! that guitar! the... the... the boots! oh 70's... how potent you were... i'm cryin over here... 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nungali Posted February 2, 2020 On 02/02/2020 at 4:48 AM, silent thunder said: My son just laid me out flat, tears streaming with this one... Old People Are The Greatest... we looped it... omg it just kept getting better... 'looped' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nintendao Posted February 2, 2020 (edited) Football? Edited February 3, 2020 by Nintendao bored Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
senseless virtue Posted February 3, 2020 (edited) People asking for free spiritual teachings even after they are kindly explained that the teachers' time should be fairly compensated. "Hey babe! I want to take you out for a dream dinner, but I don't have any money so you will have to pay. It's only fair because I am such a charming and nice guy." If you want to take your sweetheart to a free romantic dinner, there is always dumpster diving option available for a free range gourmet course. She'll love it how dedicated and frugal you are. Edited February 3, 2020 by virtue 1 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
moment Posted February 4, 2020 (edited) On 2/1/2020 at 9:07 PM, manitou said: I wonder what The Rapture would look like? Edited February 4, 2020 by moment 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
thelerner Posted February 4, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, moment said: Seems like a Pelican but she thought A Pelicant Edited February 4, 2020 by thelerner 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
