Where did I go?

[Cat Pillar]

I think after searching for it I'm closing in on the source of things I feel are blocking my vital energy and motivation.

 

I think one of my main problems is a lack of foundation. After all these years of spiritual seeking, I've effectively demolished any coherent sense of self. In some ways this is good, because my former self-image was terrible, but in other ways it's bad, because now I'm SUPER confused. which is even more confusing, because I don't know what "I" refers to anymore. It's all a muddy mess of debris and tangled attachments.

 

I can't find the base, the center, the "true" self. Everything I thought was solid are now phantoms, shifting and morphing constantly. They form in peripheral vision, but fade into shadows when viewed directly. One day I am a musician, dedicated to music. The next day I am a martial artist, dedicated to my art. The next day I am a failure, dedicated to wallowing in misery. The next day I'm a workaholic focused on improving my career. Nothing sticks, nothing stays...what motivates me today will be gone again tomorrow, leaving either a bitter and fearful apathy or a hole quickly filled by yet another shallow motivation.

 

I live my life habitually, following the motions already established by my past decisions and patterns of behavior. Some of these things are very harmful to my well-being, but I find myself unable or unwilling to change it, because I don't know what to change it to.

 

Everyone always says "be yourself." I have no idea who I am. Everything I thought I was, when examined, turns to dust. All of my previous motivations for living were materially based...what was "best" was whatever had the highest material payoff, which would then alleviate my desires for security and power. Lately I have been more spiritually motivated, but even then...what is this "I" that is pursuing all of this? And what is it that would benefit from the journey?

 

I am completely lost and rudderless...I have no guide by which to travel, no sense of purpose with which to direct my action. And so I live habitually, acting out my addictions and attachments for lack of something to replace them with.

 

Are my desires and wants what define "me," the little "I" or ego? What basis can that be for action, when every day the desire changes, every day the motivation changes. It's like being stuck in a maze where the corridors are constantly shifting...every time I think I've made progress, I find myself back at the beginning looking at a different maze.

 

I'm scared, because I'm staring down a hole that I just crawled out of. I thought I had beat depression, but now I'm coming face to face with something that has been steadily pulling me back under...and if I can't figure this out, I know I'm going to end up destroying myself completely through inaction.

[zerostao]

hang in there cat pillar, i think we all go thru something similar to this, from what i have seen of your posts on TTB, it looks encouraging.

are you doing any type of qigong or tai chi? maybe you need to work on grounding, then you will find your center.

[Birch]

Yes, this sounds familiar.

Here is what I consider "helps". I'm not an expert so take this as an experienced opinion only:-)

"Ground" yourself as much as possible. Take very good care of your body.

Take good care of your mindfulness and have compassion for yourself in shovels.

You'll get coherence back through cultivation IMO/IME. Make sure it's balanced body/mind. I wonder if cutting back on meditation wouldn't be a good idea? I recall reading it's "better" to keep it up but I can't recall why. IME it was worth scaling back a bit if you have been very intense.

Definitely agree with the tai-chi suggestion but IMO anything you engage your whole being in would be worth it.

Hang in there :-)

IMO/IME it gets better :-)

[Marblehead]

Hi Cat Pillar,

 

I wanted to respond bacause I think what you are speaking of is important.

 

Damn those cycles of knowing and not knowing.

 

Are we lost or are we exactly where we are supposed to be?

 

Are we being too materialistic and denying our inner Self or are we trying to be so spiritual that we are neglecting our physical well-being?

 

Where are the answers? Within our Self? Somewhere in outer space?

 

I still believe that harmony in our life is very important. Harmony in all aspects of our life. This means a harmony between our material life and our spiritual life as well.

 

The only thing I would caution you on is to be very discriminating as to which questions you are seeking answers for. At different times during our life there are some questions we can ask that there are no answers for.

 

Best Wishes!

[manitou]

Another thing to try might be to change your direction from looking inwards to looking outwards. To get out of self for a while - don't worry about who you are at the present time - and maybe volunteer at something you love, or do something for someone else that requires some input of time.

 

I think sometimes we just need to look away from the mirror of life; this might be the very best time for you to get out of your own way and let Nature take over. Leave yourself open to everything; go out and enjoy yourself and your own time. Let the Tao bring stuff to you and follow up on it. I'll bet your perspective would be a lot different without the introspection. We tend to hem ourselves in with labels.

[Otis]

For a few years after I started practicing, a scared voice inside of me would occasionally and suddenly freak out and yell: "I'm lost!"

 

Of course that sensation was very off-putting, at first. But in time, I started embracing being "lost". My profile update was/is: "Otis is lost and loving it".

 

Now it still, sometimes, creeps up on me and surprises me, how much "vertigo" can be created by feeling lost. But I do believe that sense of "falling" is actually the experience of freedom. That experience points directly to why people cling to ego, because the alternative is so unattached, so (seemingly) directionless.

 

IME, it takes great patience, courage, humor, and love for the process, to weather the storms of "lost". There are also a few reminders that help me, when I'm feeling most groundless.

 

One is: growth is not linear, but happens in spirals. I seem to move forward, and then back again, with old habits and forces reasserting themselves in the downturn. But then, if I stay calm through the trough, the cycle comes back around, and my head is above water, again. Over time, the spiral works its way upward, but only if I trust and love the process of surrender. (There are also spirals within spirals, so seemingly long-finished habits occasionally reappear).

 

Secondly: I am not a slave to my habits and my beliefs, but neither am I totally free from them, either. Habits don't vanish upon realization; they just become malleable. So, rather than trying to be someone who is utterly different than I was before, I make sure that my practice always starts from accepting where I am, right now. After all, where I am, is just indicative of where I've been, not where I'm going. But I can't go forward, without being where I am at this moment.

 

I've been writing a bit about the "inner parent" lately, and I think that particular cluster of conditioned parts of my brain, has the most trouble with surrendering into the unknown. The entire point of the "inner parent" is to be my own crossing guard, keeping an eye out for danger, and making sure I stay within safe boundaries. But lost is within no boundaries, so the "inner parent" cries foul, declares that this is the sign that something is wrong. My response to that inner parent: "I love you, and I love what you've been trying to do for me. It is time, however, for us to move on and embrace being groundless. How can we learn to fly, if we're always clinging to the ground of the known?" Slowly, my inner parent is letting go of its panic about lost, and learning to go with the flow, along with the rest of me.

 

Best to you, Cat Pillar!

Edited March 5, 2011 by Otis

[suninmyeyes]

Cat Pillar,sounds familiar in a way.

Have you considered that there maybe there isnt a "center"or an I?

Nothing to hold on to?Scary beutiful.

At the end of every struggle I tend to think everything is as it should be ,all my efforts and non efforts,and there isnt really a struggle at all.

This stuff cannot be made translated in physical sometimes ,becouse it is too slow and dense.Or maybe it could and it requires more eloquent writing skills than mine.

Reprograming oneself can be a difficult task due to conditioning and past habits.

Patience was/is my cultivation(as I it wasnt birth given).Slowing down.Being able to wait in general.

In these cases if persistant sometimes it is just nice to do something unusual ,like traveling into different country or running a marathon or taking a week of silence or helping at the old peoples home etc.

[suninmyeyes]

Oh yeah and all the best!

[wearydreamer]

I have been through similar situation recently. Indecisions, changes in desire and no basis of action.

 

Initially I was more like thinking about career, then relationship and then few more things. Then I started looking only inwards. It was more like that I acknowledged unreality of my ego and introspection had destroyed all the basis of action but still I was trying to act. Taking ego to be unreal, trying to act is like trying to re-identify oneself with something (the Self in my case). And that was the source of all confusion. And the liberating realization was to go one step further and realize that Actions just occur in the Force field and You are just Aware of them. So, it was dis-identification rather than re-identification.

Edited March 5, 2011 by wearydreamer

[Todd]

Cat Pillar,

 

There is a movement to life. It isn't a stable identity, but it is something gives direction in any given moment. Its movement is kind've like water going through all sorts of changes in direction as it flows down a stream. It isn't saying, "I want to go here" or "I want to go there", it is just moving as conditions change. So if there is a rock, it divides and goes around, or if there is a bend in the stream, it follows that path. it is because the water is not saying "I want to go here" and exerting energy trying to get there that it is able to respond so clearly to changing conditions.

 

It can be really confusing to go from "I want" to "Huh, seems to be going here. Huh, changed again." The mind tends to get on board for any shift and try to extend that direction into an identity, or at least a known dependable aspect of oneself. It tries to imbue those movements with the old energy that was driving it. Or, it may not even be noticing the natural movements, since they are so quiet when we haven't been paying attention to them, and it keeps trying to start up its old way of movement. It sounds like this is more of what is happening with you. You've seen the emptiness of the old ways of moving, but you haven't really clearly noticed or given yourself to the natural movement.

 

The easiest way to get a sense for the natural movement is to listen for it. Then start acting on it. When deciding how to move, there is something immediately available, but it may seem very subtle or quiet. It is a direction. The direction may even be no direction, just to be still. But if there is a decision to be made, or a movement to be made, sooner or later a direction becomes apparent. The trick is to go with it, even though it does not justify itself. Don't look for justification, just go with it, because it is what is obvious; it is the direction that presents itself.

 

Start with small stuff. As you practice, it becomes more and more apparent. Your faith in it grows, and you stop looking back for that old sort of direction or motivation. It is actually much better, though much harder to explain, to verbalize the reason for what you are doing.

 

My teacher sometimes tells students who are going through this, "Just sit on the couch and don't move until something moves you. Eventually your body will just get up and do something. Then see what it does next, and what it does next."

 

I haven't actually tried that out, but it helps to give a sense for a movement that isn't coming from our minds.

[Encephalon]

I think after searching for it I'm closing in on the source of things I feel are blocking my vital energy and motivation.

 

I think one of my main problems is a lack of foundation. After all these years of spiritual seeking, I've effectively demolished any coherent sense of self. In some ways this is good, because my former self-image was terrible, but in other ways it's bad, because now I'm SUPER confused. which is even more confusing, because I don't know what "I" refers to anymore. It's all a muddy mess of debris and tangled attachments.

 

I can't find the base, the center, the "true" self. Everything I thought was solid are now phantoms, shifting and morphing constantly. They form in peripheral vision, but fade into shadows when viewed directly. One day I am a musician, dedicated to music. The next day I am a martial artist, dedicated to my art. The next day I am a failure, dedicated to wallowing in misery. The next day I'm a workaholic focused on improving my career. Nothing sticks, nothing stays...what motivates me today will be gone again tomorrow, leaving either a bitter and fearful apathy or a hole quickly filled by yet another shallow motivation.

 

I live my life habitually, following the motions already established by my past decisions and patterns of behavior. Some of these things are very harmful to my well-being, but I find myself unable or unwilling to change it, because I don't know what to change it to.

 

Everyone always says "be yourself." I have no idea who I am. Everything I thought I was, when examined, turns to dust. All of my previous motivations for living were materially based...what was "best" was whatever had the highest material payoff, which would then alleviate my desires for security and power. Lately I have been more spiritually motivated, but even then...what is this "I" that is pursuing all of this? And what is it that would benefit from the journey?

 

I am completely lost and rudderless...I have no guide by which to travel, no sense of purpose with which to direct my action. And so I live habitually, acting out my addictions and attachments for lack of something to replace them with.

 

Are my desires and wants what define "me," the little "I" or ego? What basis can that be for action, when every day the desire changes, every day the motivation changes. It's like being stuck in a maze where the corridors are constantly shifting...every time I think I've made progress, I find myself back at the beginning looking at a different maze.

 

I'm scared, because I'm staring down a hole that I just crawled out of. I thought I had beat depression, but now I'm coming face to face with something that has been steadily pulling me back under...and if I can't figure this out, I know I'm going to end up destroying myself completely through inaction.

 

I'm a little perplexed. Your writing and punctuation skills are impeccable, which leads me to believe that you are 1) relatively young but have carefully crafted your writing skills (and by association, your thinking skills) above and beyond what is typically in evidence among your age group here, or

 

2) Your writing skills are a natural result of being older, educated, and at that point where most of us begin to have our existential crises over our identities and what kind of life we wish to cultivate for ourselves.

 

If you are young and amply talented with music, martial arts, writing, and career ambitions but haven't yet found a means of balancing all these talents, then it could be a simple, although potentially heart-wrenching, task of prioritizing one path until you have achieved a state of mastery in that path, and sidelining your other passions until you can re-introduce them into your life at a later time. It took me almost 50 years to realize that I could only do one major thing at a time. When I tried to go to grad school, write a screenplay, play guitar, work out,attend Buddhist workshops, and have a committed relationship, I quickly discovered that I was mastering the art of smoking reefer but little else. When I finally finished my thesis and got married and quit dicking around, I discovered that I could work 6 hours a day on my screenplays and work on my online business. I now know that bringing in some $$$ will create the freedom to re-start my musical life and move the hell out of LA. I think that most if not all creative people and certainly spiritually motivated people seek balance in their lives above all. If you are young and wrestling with these timeless themes already then you are wise indeed.

 

If you're my age then I cannot presume to offer you anything useful, but if you are amongst the talented and depressed, you might just want to bite the bullet, take the Zoloft, and get on a serious nei kung regimen www.neikungla.com because nei kung will jack up your serotonin levels and build that bodymind foundation.

 

So... how old are you, and what do you do for a living?

 

(Please don't tell me you're a Hollywood script supervisor with a PhD or I'll kill myself

Edited March 5, 2011 by Blasto

[Birch]

Zoloft??????

Oh well, i guess we are there :-(

 

+1 Mr MH for a well-figured post that left enough space for spirit :-)

I read elsewhere that this "not knowing" is also conditioned. Made sense to me anyway. Then I thought about it and i wondered, why would i ever go somewhere i know nothing about, nor am likely to in my lifetime, except for through a very narrow perspective.

Then I remembered the latter is called a "vacation" :-)

For sure, living every day as if you were on vacation is kind of weird, maybe just Big Lebowski-weird, but weird nonetheless.

:-)

[Marblehead]

+1 Mr MH for a well-figured post that left enough space for spirit :-)

 

Thanks Kate. I'm really not as anti-spiritual as I often appear to be. It is just that there are some discussions where I feel an alternate point of view needs be presented.

 

But yes, I do confess to being anti-religious. (But I try to be tolerant. Sometimes I fail. Hehehe.)

[Apech]

Thanks Kate. I'm really not as anti-spiritual as I often appear to be. It is just that there are some discussions where I feel an alternate point of view needs be presented.

 

But yes, I do confess to being anti-religious. (But I try to be tolerant. Sometimes I fail. Hehehe.)

 

Anti-religious = good

 

Anti -spirit ??? what do we mean by spirit? Spirit is not being 'spiritual' IMO but more about finding your own way ... or perhaps spirit is our true nature ... religion is just a way for other people to confuse you about this for political purposes.

[Birch]

Anti-religious = good

 

Anti -spirit ??? what do we mean by spirit? Spirit is not being 'spiritual' IMO but more about finding your own way ... or perhaps spirit is our true nature ... religion is just a way for other people to confuse you about this for political purposes.

 

+1 to Mr Apech. Yes, I've been trying to figure out this "spirit" thing and so far all I've come up with is that it's unseen (as opposed to the material stuff we see every day), unconditioned, i.e. not the small "i" that seems to get so easily conditioned; has its origin in the unseen and unformed and tends to be associated with "something good".

[manitou]

Spirit = The Intelligence.

[Marblehead]

Anti -spirit ??? what do we mean by spirit? Spirit is not being 'spiritual' IMO but more about finding your own way ... or perhaps spirit is our true nature ...

 

Good questions and point made.

 

However, I don't feel qualified to speak to the issue.

 

My own way? I do have a handle on that one!

[Apech]

Good questions and point made.

 

However, I don't feel qualified to speak to the issue.

 

My own way? I do have a handle on that one!

 

We are all qualified to speak.

[Marblehead]

We are all qualified to speak.

 

Hehehe. Yeah, but I prefer there be a little bit of logic attached to what I say (unless I am just messing around).

[Cat Pillar]

zerostao and Kate,

 

I think your grounding suggestions are probably really good ones. I did some quick google searching, and there was one site that had a little quiz to see if you were ungrounded...I scored really high on it. That, and reflecting on how much I've been involved in the mental and emotional spheres does point to a neglect of the physical sphere and a lack of connection with the body.

 

I actually don't meditate all that much, just half an hour a day.

 

-----------------------

 

Marblehead,

 

I still believe that harmony in our life is very important. Harmony in all aspects of our life. This means a harmony between our material life and our spiritual life as well.

 

The only thing I would caution you on is to be very discriminating as to which questions you are seeking answers for. At different times during our life there are some questions we can ask that there are no answers for.

 

That's good advice, I'll try to stay mindful of it. Harmony is something I've not been very good with, but it is something I'm trying to reach.

 

-----------------------

 

manitou,

 

Another thing to try might be to change your direction from looking inwards to looking outwards. To get out of self for a while - don't worry about who you are at the present time - and maybe volunteer at something you love, or do something for someone else that requires some input of time.

 

I think sometimes we just need to look away from the mirror of life; this might be the very best time for you to get out of your own way and let Nature take over. Leave yourself open to everything; go out and enjoy yourself and your own time. Let the Tao bring stuff to you and follow up on it. I'll bet your perspective would be a lot different without the introspection. We tend to hem ourselves in with labels.

 

Yeah, a vacation from introspection might be just what I need. These days introspection generally tends to be the default mode for active mind...I'm constantly analyzing my thoughts and mental states, which has helped in a lot of ways...but it might be too much right now.

 

--------------------------

 

Otis,

 

Thanks for sharing your experiences! I have definitely seen the cyclical nature of growth, but I don't always remember this point and still get surprised all the time. "You mean THIS again!?"

 

Lack of direction is something I definitely have a difficult time with. Perhaps I need to develop more trust in the process, but there lies another of my weaknesses; I have very little trust in the "unseen."

 

I think there's definitely some kind of "Guardian" archetype/aspect that is having a real hard time with anything to do with "surrender."

 

More to ponder...but maybe after a little break.

 

---------------------------

 

suninmyeyes,

 

Cat Pillar,sounds familiar in a way.

Have you considered that there maybe there isnt a "center"or an I?

Nothing to hold on to?Scary beutiful.

At the end of every struggle I tend to think everything is as it should be ,all my efforts and non efforts,and there isnt really a struggle at all.

This stuff cannot be made translated in physical sometimes ,becouse it is too slow and dense.Or maybe it could and it requires more eloquent writing skills than mine.

Reprograming oneself can be a difficult task due to conditioning and past habits.

Patience was/is my cultivation(as I it wasnt birth given).Slowing down.Being able to wait in general.

In these cases if persistant sometimes it is just nice to do something unusual ,like traveling into different country or running a marathon or taking a week of silence or helping at the old peoples home etc.

 

The idea has occurred to me that there may not be a center, especially since many spiritual sources imply essentially that. If there's nothing there though, what's making decisions? The meat? Or are the choices not actually choices at all, and willpower is completely non-existent? This would imply that there's nothing to drive or focus intent...isn't an agent of some kind required to make the call on where and how to focus and apply intent? Or is it just a spontaneous interplay of counterbalanced forces with the appearance of free will? A very deep subject right there, one that I think is a bit beyond me at the moment.

 

----------------------------------

 

wearydreamer,

 

I have been through similar situation recently. Indecisions, changes in desire and no basis of action.

 

Initially I was more like thinking about career, then relationship and then few more things. Then I started looking only inwards. It was more like that I acknowledged unreality of my ego and introspection had destroyed all the basis of action but still I was trying to act. Taking ego to be unreal, trying to act is like trying to re-identify oneself with something (the Self in my case). And that was the source of all confusion. And the liberating realization was to go one step further and realize that Actions just occur in the Force field and You are just Aware of them. So, it was dis-identification rather than re-identification.

 

Spontaneous interplay of counterbalanced forces, with Something that observes? Is this Awareness a counterbalanced force itself or outside the field of interplay?

 

-----------------------------

 

Todd,

 

Beautiful post, sir!

 

It can be really confusing to go from "I want" to "Huh, seems to be going here. Huh, changed again." The mind tends to get on board for any shift and try to extend that direction into an identity, or at least a known dependable aspect of oneself. It tries to imbue those movements with the old energy that was driving it. Or, it may not even be noticing the natural movements, since they are so quiet when we haven't been paying attention to them, and it keeps trying to start up its old way of movement. It sounds like this is more of what is happening with you. You've seen the emptiness of the old ways of moving, but you haven't really clearly noticed or given yourself to the natural movement.

 

Yes, I think this is an accurate assessment of where I'm at.

 

The easiest way to get a sense for the natural movement is to listen for it. Then start acting on it. When deciding how to move, there is something immediately available, but it may seem very subtle or quiet. It is a direction. The direction may even be no direction, just to be still. But if there is a decision to be made, or a movement to be made, sooner or later a direction becomes apparent. The trick is to go with it, even though it does not justify itself. Don't look for justification, just go with it, because it is what is obvious; it is the direction that presents itself.

 

Start with small stuff. As you practice, it becomes more and more apparent. Your faith in it grows, and you stop looking back for that old sort of direction or motivation. It is actually much better, though much harder to explain, to verbalize the reason for what you are doing.

 

Natural movement...basically, intuition, right? Y'know, I think I know why I have such a hard time with intuition. I think I often mistake impulse for intuition, and am not entirely sure how to distinguish an impulse from an intuitive push.

 

-------------------------------

 

Blasto,

 

I'm a little perplexed. Your writing and punctuation skills are impeccable, which leads me to believe that you are 1) relatively young but have carefully crafted your writing skills (and by association, your thinking skills) above and beyond what is typically in evidence among your age group here, or

 

2) Your writing skills are a natural result of being older, educated, and at that point where most of us begin to have our existential crises over our identities and what kind of life we wish to cultivate for ourselves.

 

So... how old are you, and what do you do for a living?

 

I suppose I'm relatively young. I'm 26 years old, and I'm a senior network technician at a dedicated hosting provider. High school dropout (though I've got my GED).

 

If you are young and amply talented with music, martial arts, writing, and career ambitions but haven't yet found a means of balancing all these talents, then it could be a simple, although potentially heart-wrenching, task of prioritizing one path until you have achieved a state of mastery in that path, and sidelining your other passions until you can re-introduce them into your life at a later time. It took me almost 50 years to realize that I could only do one major thing at a time. When I tried to go to grad school, write a screenplay, play guitar, work out,attend Buddhist workshops, and have a committed relationship, I quickly discovered that I was mastering the art of smoking reefer but little else. When I finally finished my thesis and got married and quit dicking around, I discovered that I could work 6 hours a day on my screenplays and work on my online business. I now know that bringing in some $$$ will create the freedom to re-start my musical life and move the hell out of LA. I think that most if not all creative people and certainly spiritually motivated people seek balance in their lives above all. If you are young and wrestling with these timeless themes already then you are wise indeed.

 

This is essentially what I'm struggling with. I'm very aware of my limitations, and that I can really only master one thing at a time. I just can't seem to decide what to focus on, because I feel as if I have nothing to base the decision on.

 

Wise is the last word I'd use to describe myself.

 

I am interested in learning Tai Chi or Qigong, something along those lines. But, I'm wary about learning from books or DVDs and I'm not sure how prevalent good teachers are in my area. I'll browse that link more when I've got some more free time.

 

----------------------------------

 

Thanks for the replies, everyone!

[Encephalon]

Blasto,

I suppose I'm relatively young. I'm 26 years old, and I'm a senior network technician at a dedicated hosting provider. High school dropout (though I've got my GED).

 

I too am a high school dropout and proud of it. It is for many people entirely irrelevent, and you can always knock out an AA at a local junior college (which is where all the women are anyway).

 

This is essentially what I'm struggling with. I'm very aware of my limitations, and that I can really only master one thing at a time. I just can't seem to decide what to focus on, because I feel as if I have nothing to base the decision on.

 

It sounds like you're waiting for all ambiguity to be eliminated from the Universe before you make a decision...

 

Wise is the last word I'd use to describe myself.

 

...but you're certainly wise enough to know that this is a luxury not granted to humans. Something tells me you are bright enough to draw some basic conclusions about how to move forward. If I were 26 again I'd plunge immediately into a nei kung practice and focus all my intellectual energy into getting a nursing degree, or at least a paramedic background, or learning everything about permaculture, because the world is a changin.' Gas is $3.79 across the street - it went up two cents since yesterday and there is reason to believe that it's not going to back down this time.

 

I am interested in learning Tai Chi or Qigong, something along those lines. But, I'm wary about learning from books or DVDs and I'm not sure how prevalent good teachers are in my area. I'll browse that link more when I've got some more free time.

 

Best of luck.

[Todd]

 

Natural movement...basically, intuition, right? Y'know, I think I know why I have such a hard time with intuition. I think I often mistake impulse for intuition, and am not entirely sure how to distinguish an impulse from an intuitive push.

 

 

Natural movement is a basis of intuition. Intuition is more how natural movement registers in us. We can look at intuition as moments in which we become aware of the natural movement.

 

Distinguishing between intuition and impulse is a tricky one. It is something that is learned by experience. That is why it is good to practice. It becomes more and more clear as you make your best guesses, act on them and then notice what happens.

 

To help get a sense of what intuition is: it is a knowing that doesn't justify itself. It is also usually a lot quieter than impulses. It may be very strong, but it isn't saying anything. It is just like a flow, and when you question it, there is only silence. That is not to say that you can't come up with rational reasons for following an intuition, but if you question it directly, it doesn't have much to say. Impulses usually have something to say, like "Of course, yeah!" or "I want/I need...", or an explanation that generates tension in your body. The intuition is clear, in that not a lot is attached to it. It also often does not give more than one step at a time. It doesn't really tell about the future much. It is just like, "This way".

 

An example that my teacher uses that I find helpful is that time when you just knew something. It was just given as a gift. Like "Don't go out with her again." Your mind is like "What!? Did you see her? Who wouldn't go out with her again? All systems are go!" But there was just that knowing that it wouldn't work out, which didn't defend itself. When the mind gave its reasons, the knowing says nothing. Just silence. If we ignore it, then it might be many years before we really know that that "Don't go out with her again" was a gift. Most of us have some sort of experience where we were given a gift like that, and we ignored it. Thats how we learn, but if we can start paying attention for the quieter impulses, the simple knowings, and then act on them, then we can develop this way of moving better and better, until its not really that subtle anymore.

 

You are lucky in a way, since it seems that the old impulses are whithering away on their own. It just goes easier if you don't cling to them and open up to something else.

[Cat Pillar]

It sounds like you're waiting for all ambiguity to be eliminated from the Universe before you make a decision...

 

...but you're certainly wise enough to know that this is a luxury not granted to humans. Something tells me you are bright enough to draw some basic conclusions about how to move forward. If I were 26 again I'd plunge immediately into a nei kung practice and focus all my intellectual energy into getting a nursing degree, or at least a paramedic background, or learning everything about permaculture, because the world is a changin.' Gas is $3.79 across the street - it went up two cents since yesterday and there is reason to believe that it's not going to back down this time.

 

You're right...I am kind of waiting for the ambiguity to go away. And I appreciate your vote of confidence in my brightness.

 

Maybe in addition to grounding I need to put some more focus into dissolving attachments to certain ways of being...or maybe, I'm not really allowing my deeper desires to express themselves, and so instead I experience a carousel of surface desires that aren't rooted deeply enough to maintain being.

 

Maybe I'm just afraid of what my deepest desires and motivations are. That's something worth thinking about...I'll have to contemplate more on this. I'm starting to understand that these things eventually reveal themselves when the intent is put forward to know them...it's just a matter of time.

 

-----------------------------

 

Todd,

 

Thank you for the descriptions of how intuition and impulse differ. I'll have to make an effort to be mindful of my impulses, and see if I can start to delineate true intuitive direction from egoic impulses.

 

You are lucky in a way, since it seems that the old impulses are whithering away on their own. It just goes easier if you don't cling to them and open up to something else.

 

Luck, and a lot of hard internal work. Waking up is hard to do, but I've found that the more I cultivate awareness, the faster things drop away. You're right about the clinging though...I have an addictive personality, and it's always been hard for me to take that first step away from something. Familiar territory quickly becomes a security blanket, and I always quake and shiver before leaving my comfort zone. I ought to keep in mind that a lot of good things have happened because I stepped out of my comfort zone.

[Otis]

Waking up is hard to do, but I've found that the more I cultivate awareness, the faster things drop away. You're right about the clinging though...I have an addictive personality, and it's always been hard for me to take that first step away from something. Familiar territory quickly becomes a security blanket, and I always quake and shiver before leaving my comfort zone. I ought to keep in mind that a lot of good things have happened because I stepped out of my comfort zone.

What I think is important: that you are paying attention and being honest with yourself. Growth is always going to be messy; being willing to stay present throughout the changes, that's what's going to keep you on the front edge of the curve.

Edited March 7, 2011 by Otis

[The Observer]

1) Calm down. A nervous state of mind accomplishes nothing. A fearful state of mind likewise.

 

2) Don't worry about the nature of self. Concern yourself with virtuous acts, good deeds and wholesome thoughts. Once you are in a habit of these, things will fall away and all your questions will be answered.

 

3) The path to happiness is happiness. Liberation is a mind state not a destination.