Habitually Afraid

[Cat Pillar]

My infrequent internal journeys have revealed to me more about just how nasty my internal state is.

 

There are two primary "realizations" I have been coming to regarding my "method" of being.

 

I spend most of my time engaged in unconscious habitual action/thought. By unconscious I mean that I participated in many actions and thoughts completely unaware of their nature as habits. If one could accurately make this distinction, I would go further to say that most of my habits are an addiction of sorts, each with their own associated withdrawal symptoms (all of which have a common link).

 

The first time I viewed my habits as addictions, it was very painful because of how accurate the description seems. It brought a whole new light on the current conditions of my life, although the realization is not constant and I still find myself falling into unconscious action/thought the vast majority of the time. It is one thing to intellectually "understand" this, as I believed I did based on all of the reading I've done...but it is truly a sobering thing to see how far beyond "realization" is to "understanding".

 

At the base of my habit addictions is what I knew was always there, just not to what extent. And this is "fear." Ultimately, I think it is the fear of "loss." A result of the idea of being separate, and the idea of ownership and property. "This is mine!" But it being mine, means that it could also become "not mine." "Mine," or ownership, is preferable, because I was taught "having" is better than "not having." Thus "not having" becomes something to fear.

 

Is there a common link between the fear behind all of my addictions and habits? Yes, I believe there is. And that is a result of the concept of an individual identity. This thing called "I," as I was taught, is what you do, how you act. This thing "identity" is like a possession, it is "mine." Supposedly, it cannot be taken from you, but every "have" must have a corresponding "have not." Those actions which fall outside the established habit/addictions become "not myself," and threaten the possession of "identity."

 

But just what does "identity" mean to me? What value does it provide myself to "be" a particular something? Comfort, I suppose...a crutch on which to justify doing or not doing. "It's just how I am." "It's just who I am."

 

All of these things I cling to - these habitual possessions - because I am afraid of "not having." It becomes somewhat clearer to me now the meaning behind "letting go." It occurs to me that perhaps my next area of focus in my internal quest for peace should be releasing myself of the burden of "having." I do not mean giving away all of my possessions, but rather releasing myself from the yoke of "ownership." I foresee the materialist in me countering with concerns about this leading to carelessness with possessions that may be important to survival...but I would respond to this that the concept of "ownership" is not necessary to protecting property. Rather, a more "custodial" view of things could be a healthier means of expressing this relationship to the material. "I am in custody of this thing. I do not own it, but it has been placed in my care, and thus I should be a responsible custodian."

 

Any thoughts or comments are always appreciated...but this post was mainly made as a form of venting. Sometimes I just have to give these internal queries expression, and language is the tool of expression I'm most familiar with.

[Apech]

Sounds like you are having good insights into how your mind/being ordinarily works. The inertia of habit and fear is what rules most of our lives. These are recorded and repetitive energy cycles (like small whirlpools) and I think that the more you face them and become aware of them the less they are able to dominate. Of course it is necessary to step out of the cycle and overcome fear at some point.

[Marblehead]

Hi Cat Pillar,

 

Great post with some fantastic insights.

 

You spoke of fear. One of my favorite topics. Fear holds us back from living our life to the fullest. We should, I think, rid ourself of fear but not of caution. Being aware will reduce fear and strengthen our sense of caution.

 

Dualities. Have and have not. Possessions.

 

I liked much what you said here:

 

I foresee the materialist in me countering with concerns about this leading to carelessness with possessions that may be important to survival...but I would respond to this that the concept of "ownership" is not necessary to protecting property. Rather, a more "custodial" view of things could be a healthier means of expressing this relationship to the material. "I am in custody of this thing. I do not own it, but it has been placed in my care, and thus I should be a responsible custodian."

 

Many times during our lifetime we will have to leave 'things' behind. This includes the other people in our life as well oftentimes. Nothing is forever. And I agree, custodialship is a much better point of view than is possession. And this does not require us devaluing any of it. It fact, it might even add value to it.

[Apech]

 

 

Many times during our lifetime we will have to leave 'things' behind. This includes the other people in our life as well oftentimes. Nothing is forever. And I agree, custodialship is a much better point of view than is possession. And this does not require us devaluing any of it. It fact, it might even add value to it.

 

A very nice insight I think.

[Cat Pillar]

Thank you for the replies, Apech and Marblehead.

 

Many times during our lifetime we will have to leave 'things' behind. This includes the other people in our life as well oftentimes. Nothing is forever. And I agree, custodialship is a much better point of view than is possession. And this does not require us devaluing any of it. It fact, it might even add value to it.

 

A very nice insight I think.

 

Agreed!

 

I think it does add value. In my opinion it's much easier to view the things, people, and experiences in our lives as gifts to be appreciated for however long they're with us when viewed from a custodial standpoint.

[manitou]

It is wonderful to experience you doing such inner work, Cat - it is a guidepost for everyone who wants to get down to the I Am inside.

 

As I have felt it, the I Am is pure love; there is no fear, because the I Am knows that all is One. The I Am makes no judgment because it knows that inherent in good is bad and vice versa.

 

When I went into AA 30 years ago, I started with a sponsor who was probably an enlightened woman to some degree, but I didn't realize it at the time. I would be projecting out my worst fears and jabbering on about them, and she would put her hand on my arm and ask me emphatically, over and over, BUT HOW ARE YOU NOW??

 

At first I didn't see what she was getting at, I'd quickly mumble 'okay' and continue on with my fearful projection. Then, after about the 4th time she asked it, I totally cracked up and saw what she was getting at. For just a quick moment, during the laughter, I was able to see Here and Now, even through my alcoholic blur. The remaining 30 years have been a self-discovery journey into Here and Now via the I Am awareness.

 

It's not until we're able to see our character foibles that we begin to separate from them. Sometimes it's a nasty surprise that something dwells in there; something that has seemed so 'normal' because after all it's been part of our make-up forever. But it's when we start sharing our inner selves with each other that we realize when we're out of whack; that's the great fun of recovery meetings; to laugh our foibles, have fun with them, get rid of 'em. Like ironing wrinkles out of a shirt.

 

Pure Love resides underneath. No fear. Now I just tell snakes that I'm coming and let them slither away. Literally. I may get bit one day, but the fear's not there any more.

[Maddie]

The way I have dealt with fears in the past effectively is pretty simple actually. I did the kidney inner smile and healing sound since the kidneys relate to fear.

[Encephalon]

Debilitating fear is precisely the reason why I made the decision to put my buddhist practice on hold and take up Taoist cultivation practice (nei kung) four years ago. changing your mind - using your mind - is a prescription that is likely to succeed with those who have an abundance of will power and initiative, and that population is not typical. Changing your mind using your body? That's the prescription the Taoists and yogis have been recommending for centuries.

 

Your path to healing is a somatic one. There ain't no way around it. Fear is conquered by grounding your physical self to the earth so you don't feel like you're constatnly falling off a skyscraper.

 

I was stripped naked and whipped with a belt before I was 4. Then my mother remarried someone worse who took up the psychological speer to boot. I was a grossly disempowered alcoholic by the time I was 16 and stayed that way until I sobered up after I turned 21. If I knew then what I know now..? Get to the gym and get strong enough to deeply feel your body, practice nei kung to eliminate the fear and self-loathing. Honestly, it's really that simple.

[Otis]

I'll come back and read the rest of this thread later, but I just gotta say right now:

 

Applause to Cat Pillar! What an awesome OP!

 

Not theory, not belief, not projection, just an honest sharing of his observations of himself. Bravo! I wish all of our threads started this bravely, this clearly, and this responsibly!

[C T]

"About this mind... in truth, there is nothing really wrong with it. It is intrinsically pure. Within itself its already peaceful. That the mind is not at peace these days is because it follows moods. The real mind doesn't have anything to it, it is simply an aspect of Nature. It becomes agitated because moods deceive it. The untrained mind is stupid. Sense impressions come and trick it into happiness, suffering gladness, and sorrow, but the mind's true nature is none of those things. That gladness or sadness is not the mind, but only a mood coming to deceive us. The untrained mind gets lost and begins following these moods, and in doing so, forgets itself, its own pure nature. Then we think it is we who are upset or at ease or whatever. After years, such forgetting becomes habit.

 

But really, this mind of ours is already unmoving and peaceful... really peaceful! Just like a leaf which is still as long as no wind blows. If a wind comes up the leaf flutters. The fluttering is due to the wind - the 'fluttering' is due to the sense impressions - the mind follows these sense impressions, and registers the movements, the emotions, the colors of these movements and emotions. If it does not follow these, there is no 'fluttering'. If we know fully the true nature of sense impressions we will become unmovable, sagacious.

 

Our practice is simply to see the Original Mind. We must train the mind to know these sense impressions, and not get lost in them; to make it peaceful. Just this is the aim of all this difficult practices we put ourselves through." - Ajahn Chah, Food for the Heart

 

 

Just wanted to share this...

 

Wish you the very best, Cat Pillar.

[Marblehead]

Interesting post Blasto. A lot of validity in there, I think.

 

 

Hi CowTao, Much truth in your post as well.

[doc benway]

My infrequent internal journeys have revealed to me more about just how nasty my internal state is.

 

There are two primary "realizations" I have been coming to regarding my "method" of being.

 

I spend most of my time engaged in unconscious habitual action/thought. By unconscious I mean that I participated in many actions and thoughts completely unaware of their nature as habits. If one could accurately make this distinction, I would go further to say that most of my habits are an addiction of sorts, each with their own associated withdrawal symptoms (all of which have a common link).

 

The first time I viewed my habits as addictions, it was very painful because of how accurate the description seems. It brought a whole new light on the current conditions of my life, although the realization is not constant and I still find myself falling into unconscious action/thought the vast majority of the time. It is one thing to intellectually "understand" this, as I believed I did based on all of the reading I've done...but it is truly a sobering thing to see how far beyond "realization" is to "understanding".

 

At the base of my habit addictions is what I knew was always there, just not to what extent. And this is "fear." Ultimately, I think it is the fear of "loss." A result of the idea of being separate, and the idea of ownership and property. "This is mine!" But it being mine, means that it could also become "not mine." "Mine," or ownership, is preferable, because I was taught "having" is better than "not having." Thus "not having" becomes something to fear.

 

Is there a common link between the fear behind all of my addictions and habits? Yes, I believe there is. And that is a result of the concept of an individual identity. This thing called "I," as I was taught, is what you do, how you act. This thing "identity" is like a possession, it is "mine." Supposedly, it cannot be taken from you, but every "have" must have a corresponding "have not." Those actions which fall outside the established habit/addictions become "not myself," and threaten the possession of "identity."

 

But just what does "identity" mean to me? What value does it provide myself to "be" a particular something? Comfort, I suppose...a crutch on which to justify doing or not doing. "It's just how I am." "It's just who I am."

 

All of these things I cling to - these habitual possessions - because I am afraid of "not having." It becomes somewhat clearer to me now the meaning behind "letting go." It occurs to me that perhaps my next area of focus in my internal quest for peace should be releasing myself of the burden of "having." I do not mean giving away all of my possessions, but rather releasing myself from the yoke of "ownership." I foresee the materialist in me countering with concerns about this leading to carelessness with possessions that may be important to survival...but I would respond to this that the concept of "ownership" is not necessary to protecting property. Rather, a more "custodial" view of things could be a healthier means of expressing this relationship to the material. "I am in custody of this thing. I do not own it, but it has been placed in my care, and thus I should be a responsible custodian."

 

Any thoughts or comments are always appreciated...but this post was mainly made as a form of venting. Sometimes I just have to give these internal queries expression, and language is the tool of expression I'm most familiar with.

You're doing great work! Another addiction you may have already become aware of and one that is absolutely insidious and very subtle is our addiction to the approval of others. Someone compliments our clothing or our country or state, our appearance or occupation and we're happy. Someone else criticizes any of those things and we are sad or angry. We're like puppets on a string. No one has the power to make us happy or sad, angry or excited, unless we give them that power. And this figures in to the same mode of thought - attachment to things, attachment to approval.

 

And if you want a different tangent to explore. Who is it that is addressing and observing all of this?

Now that's a question worthy of some investigation.

Have fun!

[Cat Pillar]

manitou,

 

Thank you for the kind words, and thanks for sharing your story from AA. "But how are you now?" is a surprisingly powerful question when you're muddled with fears about what might be.

 

--------------------------------

 

dmattwads,

 

I've never tried the healing sounds before, perhaps that's something I should look into.

 

--------------------------------

 

Blasto,

 

My intuition tells me that I should listen closely to what you said. Rededicating myself to my physical and cultivation practices might be just the ticket to move past realization into action and change.

 

Sounds like a pretty harsh upbringing. I'm happy you were able to overcome it.

 

--------------------------------

 

Otis,

 

Thanks for your very kind words!

 

--------------------------------

 

CowTao,

 

Thank you for sharing and for your well wishes. That "Original Mind" is certainly something I wish to rediscover for myself.

[Cat Pillar]

You're doing great work! Another addiction you may have already become aware of and one that is absolutely insidious and very subtle is our addiction to the approval of others. Someone compliments our clothing or our country or state, our appearance or occupation and we're happy. Someone else criticizes any of those things and we are sad or angry. We're like puppets on a string. No one has the power to make us happy or sad, angry or excited, unless we give them that power. And this figures in to the same mode of thought - attachment to things, attachment to approval.

 

And if you want a different tangent to explore. Who is it that is addressing and observing all of this?

Now that's a question worthy of some investigation.

Have fun!

 

Thank you for the reply, Steve!

 

Yes, attachment to approval is something I'm very much aware of, but it is a very hard addiction/attachment to break. Mostly because I still fall into unconscious thought/action most of the time. Developing consciousness has been a very slow process for me.

 

I have actually been exploring the question of "who," and it's one that continues to confound me. The closest I can come to an answer is "something that experiences."

[doc benway]

Thank you for the reply, Steve!

 

Yes, attachment to approval is something I'm very much aware of, but it is a very hard addiction/attachment to break. Mostly because I still fall into unconscious thought/action most of the time. Developing consciousness has been a very slow process for me.

 

I have actually been exploring the question of "who," and it's one that continues to confound me. The closest I can come to an answer is "something that experiences."

Excellent!

The addiction to approval is VERY difficult to break. We are conditioned to it from birth.

It is THE most insidious of all human addiction.

I watched it in action tonight.

I had the good fortune to watch some young children running a mini-marathon race with their parents.

As they were approaching the finish line a group of people was there and cheering them on.

The instant those kids heard the cheers and saw the audience clapping they were transformed!

They sped up, got a big smile, changed instantly. Their parents beamed with pleasure and pride.

And what if the audience was booing and hissing.

Those poor kids would have been devastated and their parents furious!

How easy to manipulate people.

It is possible to, however, to slowly dismantle it little by little.

Completely? I don't know... yet. Still working.

 

Awareness, mindfulness, whatever you want to call it - cultivate it patiently. It is the only way to begin to live an awake life. When we act through the unconscious action of conditioning, are we really alive? Becoming awake and living life in awareness is at best a very slow process. For most of us it never happens. We live our lives asleep. We get married, have kids, work, and die totally asleep. We might as well be robots. To live an awake and aware life is an enormous challenge and an enormous blessing.

 

What is it that experiences?

Who or what is that something?

Who or what is asking that question?

Keep at that one.

Some day you'll know the answer and it is so simple and so obvious that you will laugh yourself silly when you realize who it is and it will literally rock your world.

 

Then again, I could be completely wrong and just tripping. Just one man's opinion, FWIW...

Namaste

[manitou]

Looking for Approval.

 

A year ago I tried something. I covered up my mirror in the bathroom, avoided my reflection wherever I could. I don't know why I did this, it just seemed appropriate for some reason.

 

I also stopped engaging in eye contact with strangers at the supermarket or on the street, etc. I don't quite know why I did this either.

 

But there's been a surprising result. When you're not "looking for approval" in others' eyes (which is what I think we often subconsciously do when we're meeting strangers' eyes) I stopped caring about it.

 

It's a silly trick, but it does have power. Combined with the inner work, I think this is a relatively quick way to get through this dynamic.

[Cat Pillar]

Looking for Approval.

 

A year ago I tried something. I covered up my mirror in the bathroom, avoided my reflection wherever I could. I don't know why I did this, it just seemed appropriate for some reason.

 

I also stopped engaging in eye contact with strangers at the supermarket or on the street, etc. I don't quite know why I did this either.

 

But there's been a surprising result. When you're not "looking for approval" in others' eyes (which is what I think we often subconsciously do when we're meeting strangers' eyes) I stopped caring about it.

 

It's a silly trick, but it does have power. Combined with the inner work, I think this is a relatively quick way to get through this dynamic.

 

That's an interesting technique. I generally don't look in mirrors much anyways unless it's to brush my teeth or shave. I still have body image issues to work through.

 

The attachment to approval is coming up more prominently now in my contemplation, as I have noticed it ties in very strongly with many of my current "problems." Much of my indecision concerning my life's direction is a direct result of this yearning for approval.

 

Approval, or fearing the loss of, seems to be a big part of why I can't dedicate myself to pursuing a purpose. It would require stepping on what too many other people want from me, and I feel somehow obligated to provide that which is requested. I seem to sacrifice my dreams in order to help others pursue theirs. I appear to believe that this is the correct course of action, that this is what it means to be selfless and compassionate.

 

Gary Clyman's concept of "deservingness" appears to be in play here. For some reason, I do not feel that I am deserving of having my dreams fulfilled. Somehow, I am not worthy. I can't place myself above another person, and so I default to seeing myself as below, lesser. Ironically, there appears to be a supporting belief that this is the morally "superior" position. Better to be harmed for another's advantage than to harm for my own. I am a sanctimonious doormat, convinced of the purity of my ways. This allows me to justify the beliefs in the face of sorrow and hopelessness. This suffering is noble!

 

Ugh. How unpleasant the view from the inside. So many assumptions...deeply held, deeply believed...how can they feel so right, when their foundations are built on sand?

[Birch]

That's an interesting technique. I generally don't look in mirrors much anyways unless it's to brush my teeth or shave. I still have body image issues to work through.

 

The attachment to approval is coming up more prominently now in my contemplation, as I have noticed it ties in very strongly with many of my current "problems." Much of my indecision concerning my life's direction is a direct result of this yearning for approval.

 

Approval, or fearing the loss of, seems to be a big part of why I can't dedicate myself to pursuing a purpose. It would require stepping on what too many other people want from me, and I feel somehow obligated to provide that which is requested. I seem to sacrifice my dreams in order to help others pursue theirs. I appear to believe that this is the correct course of action, that this is what it means to be selfless and compassionate.

 

Gary Clyman's concept of "deservingness" appears to be in play here. For some reason, I do not feel that I am deserving of having my dreams fulfilled. Somehow, I am not worthy. I can't place myself above another person, and so I default to seeing myself as below, lesser. Ironically, there appears to be a supporting belief that this is the morally "superior" position. Better to be harmed for another's advantage than to harm for my own. I am a sanctimonious doormat, convinced of the purity of my ways. This allows me to justify the beliefs in the face of sorrow and hopelessness. This suffering is noble!

 

Ugh. How unpleasant the view from the inside. So many assumptions...deeply held, deeply believed...how can they feel so right, when their foundations are built on sand?

 

 

But do they actually feel right?

I'd argue the reverse...but if you haven't allowed yourself to flip the switch then it just looks impossible (IMO/IME)

BTW, I wouldn't worry about it too much as it's the biggest lie we've ever been told And you're not alone in believing it.

[gendao]

At the base of my habit addictions is what I knew was always there, just not to what extent. And this is "fear." Ultimately, I think it is the fear of "loss." A result of the idea of being separate, and the idea of ownership and property. "This is mine!" But it being mine, means that it could also become "not mine." "Mine," or ownership, is preferable, because I was taught "having" is better than "not having." Thus "not having" becomes something to fear.

L indicates disturbances of bowel movements and of the lymphatic system of the intestines. It often points to toxicity build up in the intestines (toxins, heavy metals etc.). A psychological correlation is avoiding connections and fear of loss.

The Large Intestine meridian represents teeth and jaws, skin and mucous membranes.

 

Possible disease symptoms:

1 Sinusitis, tooth illnesses, infected teeth

2 Pains from repetitive strain injury (RSI); shoulder and elbow pain (such as tennis elbow)

3 Rheumatic joint pains

4 Pulmonary and bronchial dysfunction

5 Functional disorders of the stomach (hypoacidity, hyperacidity)

6 Illnesses of the abdomen

7 Bronchitis, colds with fever

8 Functional disturbances of the pancreas

9 Skin diseases, prostatitis

10 Uterus problems, infected teeth, Pharyngitis

11 Rhinitis, constipation

 

Negative emotion:

Guilt

 

Affirmative emotions:

I am inherently pure and good

I am worthy to be loved.

Wow, this is amazing! I had always wondered which TCM organ was associated with guilt!

[GreytoWhite]

Rainbow,

 

I have been doing something very similar to Dr. Ellis' process. It's very helpful to me.

[Otis]

Gary Clyman's concept of "deservingness" appears to be in play here. For some reason, I do not feel that I am deserving of having my dreams fulfilled. Somehow, I am not worthy. I can't place myself above another person, and so I default to seeing myself as below, lesser. Ironically, there appears to be a supporting belief that this is the morally "superior" position. Better to be harmed for another's advantage than to harm for my own. I am a sanctimonious doormat, convinced of the purity of my ways. This allows me to justify the beliefs in the face of sorrow and hopelessness. This suffering is noble!

More great insight, Cat Pillar. It sounds like you're doing important work!

[Otis]

1. Monitor Your Emotional Reactions

2. Note the Activating Event

3. Record Your Self-Talk (Reflects your belief systems)

4. Dispute Your Irrational Beliefs

I don't know Dr. Ellis, but this is a pretty fair summary of my practice. I also have some intermediate steps about re-connecting to my breath, re-centering, etc., as necessary.

 

I guess I wouldn't call it "minimizing emotion" as much as "minimizing the control that emotion has over my reactions".

[Cat Pillar]

But do they actually feel right?

I'd argue the reverse...but if you haven't allowed yourself to flip the switch then it just looks impossible (IMO/IME)

BTW, I wouldn't worry about it too much as it's the biggest lie we've ever been told And you're not alone in believing it.

 

I've actually tried contemplating the "rightness" of the feeling. It's all muddled up, but I think much of it has to do with the comfort of a familiar belief. It feels "right" because the setting is familiar, and I know the territory.

 

--------------------------

 

Vortex,

 

Hmm...that IS pretty awesome! I KNOW I have some intestinal issues due to my diet. I really need to start working on my physical health, there's just no way around it. Too important an avenue to ignore, and would probably do more to clean up my mind than all this contemplating alone.

 

---------------------------

 

Rainbow_Vein,

 

I'm not familiar with Dr. Ellis. I'll have to check into your link when I have a little more time. Thanks for the suggestion.

 

---------------------------

 

Otis,

 

Thanks again for the kind words. I like to think all this musing is important work, but the real test will be seeing what changes (if any) manifest as a result of the realizations. I've noticed subtle shifts recently...the biggest shift came last weekend when I got sick. Many many things got brought right up to the surface. It seems that my fears are slowly weakening their grip on me.

[Otis]

Otis,

 

Thanks again for the kind words. I like to think all this musing is important work, but the real test will be seeing what changes (if any) manifest as a result of the realizations. I've noticed subtle shifts recently...the biggest shift came last weekend when I got sick. Many many things got brought right up to the surface. It seems that my fears are slowly weakening their grip on me.

Yeah, I've likewise found that new freedom sometimes leads to some clumsiness in my system (physical and emotional), because the other, habit-bound systems freak out a bit, when things open up.

[Cat Pillar]

Yeah, I've likewise found that new freedom sometimes leads to some clumsiness in my system (physical and emotional), because the other, habit-bound systems freak out a bit, when things open up.

 

Yup, although this recent illness I think was a combination one-two punch...partially a result of blockages clearing, but also a result of stress overload. I recently got a promotion which resulted in me working overnights, and my body is not adapting well. I can physically feel how much stress I'm under, which has been lending an air of urgency to my explorations lately.

 

I can't tell if that "running out of time" feeling is a warning from my physical systems or just more unresolved anxiety.