a meditation for when feeling emotional pain

[de_paradise]

(inspired by Dwai's post and my recent bout) Sometimes when a big problem or deep complex or painful uncontrollable thoughts comes, and there seems to be no way out of one's own body which is creating all the chemicals and neural reactions. Even as a cultivator and meditator there seems little to counteract. A technique is thus follows:

 

Create in your imagination a projection of another self nearby, in front of you, and notice he is not feeling all the body emotions that you are feeling, but is quite calmly there. In fact he is feeling no trouble at all. And just keep your focus on that projection self, noticing his face, his posture, and how he feels. This is a kind of contemplation, and you will notice that as long as you keep this meditation up, in some place you will feel better, in some higher mind place there is a detached serenity. If you want, you can slowly bring that projection self back into your body.

 

So there it is, if the pain wont leave your body, you allow your mind to leave.

 

Hint: Try this meditation out when you are not feeling any emotional pain, when everything is okey dokey, when it doesnt matter. And then it can be in your tool chest when it does matter.

Edited May 25, 2011 by de_paradise

[Otis]

Good share, de_paradise.

 

I have a friend with PTSD, and he has sworn by the usefulness of similar techniques.

 

In general, I think it is important to stay present with pain, but as you said, when it's too much, any respite is welcome.

[de_paradise]

Thanks Otis. It sounds like your friend has understood the principle of this kind of mental projection.

 

The key that makes this powerful, as a kind of manifesting tool, as well as superb mood changer, is using the imagination as a link to the higher mind, because there is a kind of shared space in the imagination in what one mentally projects and the higher mind, or a level closer to the Tao. So its kind of a bridging manouevre where one can receive the benefits of the higher vibratory energy. Of course when theres a conscious and sustained attempt to really imagine oneself (with all the senses and also thoughts) in the higher state or as a higher level being, there is always an answer. This meditation is so easy, its all stacked in our favor.

[doc benway]

Interesting tool and concepts - thanks for that.

I will try it.

I usually tend towards Otis' approach and surrender to the feelings inside and allow myself to feel them fully and work through them. Your suggestion is an interesting alternative.

 

I'd like to go off on a tangent for a moment about our use of language. I'm thinking with my fingers here. It seems a relatively widespread convention to refer to alternative states of consciousness and awareness as "higher" and I decided to jump on this simply because you wrote the word so many times in your post.

 

When we say higher, it sort of connotes something that is "outside" because it is "above" and "outside" connotes "other." When most of us, I think, would agree that the "higher" state is something "we" are ultimately contained within as an itegral part. So this is nothing more than semantics but I find it noteworthy that our very language constantly reinforces the idea that we are somehow separate from some state of being we hope to achieve. And, of course, when we use the word "higher" we also continue to tell ourselves that we are somehow inferior to this other state or being. We are constantly working against ourselves in this way.

 

Just something I felt likely chewing on...

thanks for reading (if you bothered!)

[de_paradise]

Hi Steve, yes you can try it, even if you dont (thankfully) experience that kind of pain or depression that seems to pervade so thoroughly, as if on a cellular level.

 

I get your point about the use of "higher", and its pretty silly to be so slack about my languaging given our Christian society and their use of "heaven" outside of us, and all the history of criticism of spirituality existing outside of us.

 

What I meant is "more refined states", which you may feel quite tangeably as a cultivator. This has to do with stronger flowing qi, more open chakras, or a knowlege of how to precision put one's conscious on the right spot that allows the kind of bridging to take place. A simple example: A person feeling hate is in a lower state, a person feeling love in a higher state. A person imagining or projecting a self which is in a higher state such as love, oneness, charitableness, or relaxation opens the door to converting one's flesh and blood body and mind to the state.

[sirius]

hi!

 

i found a good method to get rid of negative thoughts in tenzin wangyal rinpoches book "healing with form, energy and light. the five elements in tibetan shamanism, tantra and dzogchen". in the book he describes how you can use the power of the elements. and he states that it is very important to work with the element "space". i experimented with the method that he describes to get in contact with the element "space". and i was really impressed by the immediate result: the negative thoughts which had tyrannized me disappeared. the practice is easy: you go out in the country, climb a hill or mountain, you watch the endless sky ("space") and you dissolve your whole body in the sky or "space". a very good method, very effective. but the results of this kind of practice depend very much on your energy level and on the energy work that you normally do. the higher the energy level, the better are the results of working with the element "space". and i have to add that the results will be even better if you work with all the elements - not only with the "space" element.

 

good luck!

 

sirius

[InfinityTruth]

I will DEFINITELY give this a shot. Thank you!

[sirius]

when i wrote "to get rid of negative thoughts" i meant negative feelings/ emotions as well.

[zerostao]

excellent thread and contributions here. imo emotional pain is the main obstacle for many in trying to find harmony and better qi flow.

when i was trying to overcome my emotional pains which led to physical illness(severe)

i didnt have any results with a sitting or standing meditation. taiji wasnt going so well either. i did find fantastic results with a walking/jogging type of meditation. for me it was a more workable method than just sitting(too much thinking of my emotional issues) in meditation. it was good in the free circulation of blood and breath- i live in the countryside and in nature- so i dont know if it works so well in the city.

for me the exercise calmed the mind and invigorated my spirit. but it was the meditative aspect that healed the most. there are preparatory activities,etc if anyone wished for more info about this. one of mine was a bit like taking on the spirit of an animal while i was doing the jogging.

i got to a level where i had a sensation i was riding the wind as a cloud. such lightness. you reach a state of awareness in which body and mind- and nature at large-

coalesce into one.

my source of information about this technique comes from the native american community. i would think there is a taoist version as well.

[Otis]

the practice is easy: you go out in the country, climb a hill or mountain, you watch the endless sky ("space") and you dissolve your whole body in the sky or "space". a very good method, very effective.

Sounds great!

 

Change up the perception of what's real and what's important (objects vs. space), and the things that had previously felt important (perceived problems) are revealed as illusions.

[Otis]

for me the exercise calmed the mind and invigorated my spirit. but it was the meditative aspect that healed the most. there are preparatory activities,etc if anyone wished for more info about this. one of mine was a bit like taking on the spirit of an animal while i was doing the jogging.

i got to a level where i had a sensation i was riding the wind as a cloud. such lightness.

Excellent! The power of metaphors!

 

My view of the world had become so rigid, that it helps to play, to pretend that I am something else. When I do, I step temporarily out of the habitual certainties of perception and action, and imagine my way into a new freedom. The imagination, IME, is an enormously important tool for liberation.

 

As you might guess, metaphors have played a great part in freeing myself to dance. Imagine myself as a Tango dancer, or as a snake, or as a spinning vortex, and my bodymap softens, and allows new exploration.

 

Likewise with Qi Gong. It is imagination that creates Qi balls, etc. They are just metaphors for sensation and awareness. It is play, pretend, that does the freeing, that liberates flow. The point is to shake up the old way of perceiving, and finding a new way of relating to my body.

 

Of course, eventually, the metaphors have to go, as well. I think that one of the great traps of tradition and religion, is that its practitioners start to mistake these useful metaphors for "what is". But if we remember that it is all just play, just pretend games, then we can surrender the old, without becoming burdened by the new.

Edited May 27, 2011 by Otis

[Jetsun]

excellent thread and contributions here. imo emotional pain is the main obstacle for many in trying to find harmony and better qi flow.

when i was trying to overcome my emotional pains which led to physical illness(severe)

i didnt have any results with a sitting or standing meditation. taiji wasnt going so well either. i did find fantastic results with a walking/jogging type of meditation. for me it was a more workable method than just sitting(too much thinking of my emotional issues) in meditation. it was good in the free circulation of blood and breath- i live in the countryside and in nature- so i dont know if it works so well in the city.

for me the exercise calmed the mind and invigorated my spirit. but it was the meditative aspect that healed the most. there are preparatory activities,etc if anyone wished for more info about this. one of mine was a bit like taking on the spirit of an animal while i was doing the jogging.

i got to a level where i had a sensation i was riding the wind as a cloud. such lightness. you reach a state of awareness in which body and mind- and nature at large-

coalesce into one.

my source of information about this technique comes from the native american community. i would think there is a taoist version as well.

 

Sounds great, do you have any more information about this or any links to sites or books? I have been doing a lot of walking recently and it would be good to be able to do a good walking meditation

[C T]

After practicing the Meditation of Giving and Receiving for a number of years, i have found that i no longer experience any imbalanced emotional turmoil. My heart is always in the right place - when there is celebration, i celebrate, where there is joy to be shared, i partake, with gracious openness, and embrace fully with thanksgiving... never asking for more, nor less. What is even more crucial - where there is sadness, sorrow and grief, and pain... these too, i have learnt to embrace with a yielding heart. Thru this, I have gracefully learnt to overcome certain attachments and fears, mainly thru the gentle, gradual process of taking in other's pain, and in return, sending them whatever joyous merit i have. The more i send out, the more spacious and equanimous i become. It also brings presence, more than anything else.

 

There is an abundance of unconditional acceptance wherever i am - be it in the company of those who are happy, or those who are grieving. I have also learnt patience along the way.

 

I do realize that taking in other's miseries may not make a lot of sense to some people, but then, emotional freedom, as we have been taught to believe, if seen through on a deeper level, is that which is truly ridiculous because to be utterly free, we need to train the mind to develop the willingness, the mental capacity to forego our limited ideas of self-cherishing, which often leads to a distorted and dualistic view, and move towards a more altruistic one, where others are equally as vital, if not more, than us. Within this capacity of condition-less surrender and acceptance lies the seed of spiritual awakening. This is my experience at this stage of evolvement.

 

Whatever we dish out, its bound to deflect back and hit us square in the face. Tis better not to fake it, i would humbly suggest.

 

May you all be filled to the brim with the causes of happiness, free from conditions!

 

A link to what the practice entails - https://docs.google.com/viewer?url=http://www.naturalawareness.net/diversity.pdf&embedded=true&chrome=true

[Otis]

Otis wrote: It is imagination that creates Qi balls, etc. They are just metaphors for sensation and awareness. It is play, pretend, that does the freeing, that liberates flow. The point is to shake up the old way of perceiving, and finding a new way of relating to my body.

Hi Otis. Could you elaborate a bit on the bolded? I'm a bit lost.

I am not saying that concepts like Qi, chakras, and so on, are not pointing at something useful. Not at all.

 

I am merely pointing out how important the imagination, the pretending, is for entering into the realm of any metaphor, including Qi.

 

For example: we can have an experience of unity, but it is not until we have taken on the metaphor of "God", that our experience will take on the specific feeling of "being touched by God". The shaping of the experience is done through the imagination.

 

The Qi ball is likewise something that is first felt through the imagination. If I ask a noob to just do the mechanical rote actions, no such experience will be felt, because the actions are in context of his previous metaphor. But if I suggest that what is between his hands is a ball of energy, then his experience will be very different, because his imagination will shape his awareness.

 

Again, this is not to say that what he is aware of is a delusion (at least not until he starts calling it "truth"). The awareness is true, but not the concept. The concept is just a finger pointing at the awareness. The imagination is how we ride the concept into a new awareness.

 

Imagination is dismissed in our culture as kid stuff, but in fact, it is an amazing tool, that makes an enormous difference in how we experience the world.

[Otis]

A link to what the practice entails - https://docs.google.com/viewer?url=http://www.naturalawareness.net/diversity.pdf&embedded=true&chrome=true

Good link, and great to hear that you are experiencing so much peace and equanimity!

[Otis]

Ah! So that is your experience. My experiencies did not involve engaging the imagination. I wasn't taught to imagine it. I simply put my hands together and experienced it.

That's fair. I don't mean to tell others what their experience is.

 

My own path has been largely a tantric one, and so I use fewer and fewer metaphors, as I go along. Concepts aren't necessary, when I'm just listening to sensation, and not choosing.

 

But I started off, with a lot more metaphors, and it is in that conversion of metaphor-to-awareness that imagination plays a powerful role.

 

Imagination still plays a role for me, but in a more subtle way. It is less about forecasting my future experience, but rather about shrugging off the habits of consciousness that shape experience. Imagination, without concepts, appears as an empty field that can help to clear my awareness, as I surrender to non-self behavior.

Edited May 27, 2011 by Otis

[doc benway]

Hi Steve, yes you can try it, even if you dont (thankfully) experience that kind of pain or depression that seems to pervade so thoroughly, as if on a cellular level.

 

I get your point about the use of "higher", and its pretty silly to be so slack about my languaging given our Christian society and their use of "heaven" outside of us, and all the history of criticism of spirituality existing outside of us.

 

What I meant is "more refined states", which you may feel quite tangeably as a cultivator. This has to do with stronger flowing qi, more open chakras, or a knowlege of how to precision put one's conscious on the right spot that allows the kind of bridging to take place. A simple example: A person feeling hate is in a lower state, a person feeling love in a higher state. A person imagining or projecting a self which is in a higher state such as love, oneness, charitableness, or relaxation opens the door to converting one's flesh and blood body and mind to the state.

Thanks for your response - I pretty much knew it was just a semantic thing and that your message was meaningful.

Just wanted to take the opportunity to make a point about language.

[zerostao]

Sounds great, do you have any more information about this or any links to sites or books? I have been doing a lot of walking recently and it would be good to be able to do a good walking meditation

Jetsun, thank you for the interest. i will try my best to give what i Think would be the taoist version. (the version i used had ablutions, fasting, and a magic ritual,,

perhaps the taoist would be similar? idk)

best time would be in the morning but if work makes this difficult evening is ok.

if walking use long high strides.

the driver is the mind. the fuel is breath(qi) the wheels are arms and legs.

eyes straight ahead. mid calm, body balanced, mind directed forward.

tongue on the palate. saliva will provide nourishment.

head and body erect. shoulders relaxed. arms natural and free.

place mind and breath on the ldt.(center of gravity)

steps are higher than normal walking but not too high

entire body is relaxed. joints included. you want to feel light and nimble.

 

if you play this everyday, begin with short times and increase gradually to over an hour. 2 hours would be great. the tiredness you feel in the beginning will disappear.

you will begin to feel the vitality in your abdomen and it will gradually fill your entire body.

the key is to be relaxed , then you will feel light and nimble.

good luck and feedback is appreciated.

[thelerner]

I like the guided meditations at Wudang.com done by Master Chen. He has very good Morning/Night CD. He also has one on healing emotional pain. I've used it and its good. For some things only taking real action helps, even if its writing a venomous letter and not sending it.

 

Here is a link to site: http://www.wudangtao.com/content/index.php?option=com_virtuemart&page=shop.browse&category_id=6&Itemid=57&vmcchk=1&Itemid=57

 

Reading from the Masters Blog there is also relaxing.

 

Reading Eckhardt Tolle often calms me down. There is a free mp3 of an Eckhardt reading done with biaurals in the background that nice to listen when upset. You can probably google for it. Its also on one of the Zencast podcasts (free) through Itunes. Being in the Now is very relaxing, still ultimately Now becomes Later and things have to be dealt with .

[hagar]

Funny thing, but intuitively Iv'e tried something similar just to reach some degree of equanimity. And I think all humans do this, and I am a champion at it, and its a great oppportunity to see where we are attached.

 

When potentially really bad stuff happens, I think many do these type of vizualisations or autosuggestions just to "cope" intuitively. And I completely understand, as I am a master of these types of practices myself.

Don't get me wrong. When feeling intese emotional or psychic, or even physical pain, these practices do have their place, and I have no objection towards them in particular. But they reveal an underlying obstacle towards sincere spiritual practice, and living life like it is. I often encounter it in myself.

 

Like yesterday, when I got a phone call from my girlfriend saying that my son had been injured, and she was taking him to the hospital. Since I just returned from a qigong break at work when I got the call (lucky me), I immediately felt the energetic difference between a feeling of expansion and serenity and being pulled into this vortex of fear, anguish and worry. And feeling that good right before I wanted out. The difference was like pouring acid into my veins. So I tried to calm myself, tried to think positive, tried to rationalize, and finally coming up with all these more transcendent imaginations similar to what you suggest, just to reach some degree of peace before I got to the ER.

 

It ended up not being anything more than a slight concussion, but my kneejerk reaction revealed how attached I was to a particular "state" of conscuiousness. It revealed some very basic attachements and aversions in my psyche, and they were not about being there for my son, being open, detached or brave. They were about my little ME wanting to cling to a particular life-experience and hating another, and fearing being contaminated by life's ups and downs. It basically revealed my "No" to an inevital part of life. How very un-spiritual.

 

In any situation, there is nothing fundamentally wrong in my view of doing anything to feel better. Sometimes this is necessary to go about your life, or do whatever needs to be done, or just get by. But lets be honest. This is not anything better than feeling better through shopping, taking a pill, a drink, go on a date, watch a movie, doing heroine, taking a cigarette, getting a massage or skydyving. Its fundamentally the same paradigm of materialism infusing our mindset through urging us to compensate for our unwanted experiences. Solution to unwanted experience: whatever. When I saw this for the first time it dawned on my that most of my practice was about this aswell. It had nothing to do with the primary objective of letting go of separation and open to oneness, Dao or whatever. It was the opposite. When I saw this I realized how shallow my practice was and reach a kind of crisis.

 

These days, like yesterday, I realized that I will probably always have this shallow perspective, since "I" will always be looking for a way out. Let's face it. Only difference these days is that as it happens something is listening, taking it all in, and will never be affected nomatter what I visualize.

 

h

[de_paradise]

Funny thing, but intuitively Iv'e tried something similar just to reach some degree of equanimity. And I think all humans do this, and I am a champion at it, and its a great oppportunity to see where we are attached.

 

When potentially really bad stuff happens, I think many do these type of vizualisations or autosuggestions just to "cope" intuitively. And I completely understand, as I am a master of these types of practices myself.

Don't get me wrong. When feeling intese emotional or psychic, or even physical pain, these practices do have their place, and I have no objection towards them in particular. But they reveal an underlying obstacle towards sincere spiritual practice, and living life like it is. I often encounter it in myself.

 

Like yesterday, when I got a phone call from my girlfriend saying that my son had been injured, and she was taking him to the hospital. Since I just returned from a qigong break at work when I got the call (lucky me), I immediately felt the energetic difference between a feeling of expansion and serenity and being pulled into this vortex of fear, anguish and worry. And feeling that good right before I wanted out. The difference was like pouring acid into my veins. So I tried to calm myself, tried to think positive, tried to rationalize, and finally coming up with all these more transcendent imaginations similar to what you suggest, just to reach some degree of peace before I got to the ER.

 

It ended up not being anything more than a slight concussion, but my kneejerk reaction revealed how attached I was to a particular "state" of conscuiousness. It revealed some very basic attachements and aversions in my psyche, and they were not about being there for my son, being open, detached or brave. They were about my little ME wanting to cling to a particular life-experience and hating another, and fearing being contaminated by life's ups and downs. It basically revealed my "No" to an inevital part of life. How very un-spiritual.

In any situation, there is nothing fundamentally wrong in my view of doing anything to feel better. Sometimes this is necessary to go about your life, or do whatever needs to be done, or just get by. But lets be honest. This is not anything better than feeling better through shopping, taking a pill, a drink, go on a date, watch a movie, doing heroine, taking a cigarette, getting a massage or skydyving. Its fundamentally the same paradigm of materialism infusing our mindset through urging us to compensate for our unwanted experiences. Solution to unwanted experience: whatever. When I saw this for the first time it dawned on my that most of my practice was about this aswell. It had nothing to do with the primary objective of letting go of separation and open to oneness, Dao or whatever. It was the opposite. When I saw this I realized how shallow my practice was and reach a kind of crisis.

 

These days, like yesterday, I realized that I will probably always have this shallow perspective, since "I" will always be looking for a way out. Let's face it. Only difference these days is that as it happens something is listening, taking it all in, and will never be affected nomatter what I visualize.

 

h

 

 

Very honest of you hagar. I would love to believe that any of us here have made such progress that they are on par with the fabled Zen masters. These potential emotional landmines are all around us, and they may seem few and far between, but that may not be because of our cultivation level and equanimity, but we just have not faced them yet. The story of the acid in the veins is similar what happened to me yesterday: Morning saw me doing an amazing yoga in the park, where I relaxed into the postures very well, felt bliss pouring around me as I dedicated the yoga to the awakening of others and connection with Cundi Buddha. Then later in the afternoon I bought a guitar, which is nice, but encountered a whole realm of shipping problems and delays, and I was shot straight back into "me me me" a disgruntled customer. Nothing even as serious as a potential health problem of a loved one, but just an impatient consumer. Pretty humiliating to be so wrapped up in this minor thing to get my bliss feeling replaced to that of tense acid-like pain. But I have worked in shipping in the past, so I must have developed a whole complex of negative physiological responses to delayed parcels and customers threatening to refund, not to mention I am just frugal to the point of miserliness and spending big money causes me some kind of pain too.

 

Nevertheless...I think Hagar, the idea of vizualations in my meditation...as well as the one suggested of joining with air element....this is not just escapism, this is actually bridging or linking with purer levels of mind. This is utilizing negative events to further one's cultivation. Its a practical springboard. So one does get some immediate relief from pain, hopefully.

[hagar]

Very honest of you hagar. I would love to believe that any of us here have made such progress that they are on par with the fabled Zen masters. These potential emotional landmines are all around us, and they may seem few and far between, but that may not be because of our cultivation level and equanimity, but we just have not faced them yet. The story of the acid in the veins is similar what happened to me yesterday: Morning saw me doing an amazing yoga in the park, where I relaxed into the postures very well, felt bliss pouring around me as I dedicated the yoga to the awakening of others and connection with Cundi Buddha. Then later in the afternoon I bought a guitar, which is nice, but encountered a whole realm of shipping problems and delays, and I was shot straight back into "me me me" a disgruntled customer. Nothing even as serious as a potential health problem of a loved one, but just an impatient consumer. Pretty humiliating to be so wrapped up in this minor thing to get my bliss feeling replaced to that of tense acid-like pain. But I have worked in shipping in the past, so I must have developed a whole complex of negative physiological responses to delayed parcels and customers threatening to refund, not to mention I am just frugal to the point of miserliness and spending big money causes me some kind of pain too.

 

Nevertheless...I think Hagar, the idea of vizualations in my meditation...as well as the one suggested of joining with air element....this is not just escapism, this is actually bridging or linking with purer levels of mind. This is utilizing negative events to further one's cultivation. Its a practical springboard. So one does get some immediate relief from pain, hopefully.

 

I did get the tantric aspect of your practice, and see it as a noble opportunity for growth, if so inclined. By experience, I have eased and released unresolved emotional content to a great degree with similar techniques, with great success, and it probably made the situation, my response and the outcome much more positive than just going along with whatever reaction there was. Its a vital part of any qigong or yoga system; buidling gong, or competecies in responding isntead of reacting to a situation.

 

My point, and probably SteveFs' too, was that if there really is no "higher" or "purer" as far as levels of mind goes, what then? In rejecting a reaction that is allready there, what am I actually doing? I am in some way manipulating or controlling my experience. Sometimes I have the guts to open to my basest, most ego-driven, or in other terms, most pro-survival response there is; anger, fear,resentment,lust, in relation to very complex real-time experiences in my life. What I see is that in trying to "transmute" these energies that are allready there BEFORE I actually experience them, face them, and see the truth of them, I am caught in delusion. And if I experience them, really, what then is the point of transforming them or making them more pure? What about trying to let NOT getting a relief from pain be my practice. It scares the sh-.t out of me, and that's probably why I should do it.

 

Realized how much "I" there is in this post. Also scary.

 

h

Edited June 1, 2011 by hagar

[Otis]

Like yesterday, when I got a phone call from my girlfriend saying that my son had been injured, and she was taking him to the hospital. Since I just returned from a qigong break at work when I got the call (lucky me), I immediately felt the energetic difference between a feeling of expansion and serenity and being pulled into this vortex of fear, anguish and worry. And feeling that good right before I wanted out. The difference was like pouring acid into my veins. So I tried to calm myself, tried to think positive, tried to rationalize, and finally coming up with all these more transcendent imaginations similar to what you suggest, just to reach some degree of peace before I got to the ER.

 

It ended up not being anything more than a slight concussion, but my kneejerk reaction revealed how attached I was to a particular "state" of conscuiousness. It revealed some very basic attachements and aversions in my psyche, and they were not about being there for my son, being open, detached or brave. They were about my little ME wanting to cling to a particular life-experience and hating another, and fearing being contaminated by life's ups and downs. It basically revealed my "No" to an inevital part of life. How very un-spiritual.

 

In any situation, there is nothing fundamentally wrong in my view of doing anything to feel better. Sometimes this is necessary to go about your life, or do whatever needs to be done, or just get by. But lets be honest. This is not anything better than feeling better through shopping, taking a pill, a drink, go on a date, watch a movie, doing heroine, taking a cigarette, getting a massage or skydyving. Its fundamentally the same paradigm of materialism infusing our mindset through urging us to compensate for our unwanted experiences. Solution to unwanted experience: whatever. When I saw this for the first time it dawned on my that most of my practice was about this aswell. It had nothing to do with the primary objective of letting go of separation and open to oneness, Dao or whatever. It was the opposite. When I saw this I realized how shallow my practice was and reach a kind of crisis.

 

These days, like yesterday, I realized that I will probably always have this shallow perspective, since "I" will always be looking for a way out. Let's face it. Only difference these days is that as it happens something is listening, taking it all in, and will never be affected nomatter what I visualize.

 

h

Great share, Hagar, thanks! And I'm glad that your son is fine.

 

I have used that exact phrase "acid in my veins" to describe my experience of self-loathing, after making a big mistake. After the experience, I began to wonder if this was what life felt like, without any dopamine or serotonin in my system, to cool the pain. I wondered: "is this what the Buddha meant by: life is suffering"? At some fundamental level, does existence have this much pain activation going on, all the time, even literally in the veins?

 

That experience, to me, felt like rejection of what is. It was my intense regret that caused my body to react like that. I remembered how awful regret used to feel, when I was a teenager, lying awake in bed, ruing every little mistake I had made that day. That's one of my fears about being a motorcycle rider, the possibility of lying in bed injured, full of aching regret.

 

Last year at Burning Man, I had an experience that tested my ability not to fall into that hell. My buddy and I were befriended by two under-cover police, who solicited substance from us. My friend is clean-living, but I had a pot brownie, that I shared with them (that's what you do at Burning Man; you share). Suddenly we were beset by uniformed officers, cuffed and separated from each other. I felt so bad for my friend getting caught up in that with me (although I was sure he'd be let go, for lack of a crime), and I also felt bad for myself, not wanting to spend the next several hours in cuffs, in the back of a cruiser, as it drove the long ride to Reno. It was in that cruiser, after about an hour in cuffs, that I felt the panic wanting to enter me, and so I committed myself to loving the situation, to seeing it as an adventure. Thankfully, a couple minutes later, an officer let me out of the cruiser, and gave me a ticket, instead of taking me in. I was relieved that I didn't have to test my center, by taking that long ride, but I was also glad, in a way, to have had that experience. I know that this was not the last time I will be faced with that intensity of rejection of life's conditions, and hopefully that little bit of practice, in the back of the cruiser, will serve me in the future.

[Otis]

My point, and probably SteveFs' too, was that if there really is no "higher" or "purer" as far as levels of mind goes, what then? In rejecting a reaction that is allready there, what am I actually doing? I am in some way manipulating or controlling my experience. Sometimes I have the guts to open to my basest, most ego-driven, or in other terms, most pro-survival response there is; anger, fear,resentment,lust, in relation to very complex real-time experiences in my life. What I see is that in trying to "transmute" these energies that are allready there BEFORE I actually experience them, face them, and see the truth of them, I am caught in delusion. And if I experience them, really, what then is the point of transforming them or making them more pure? What about trying to let NOT getting a relief from pain be my practice. It scares the sh-.t out of me, and that's probably why I should do it.

 

Realized how much "I" there is in this post. Also scary.

 

h

Excellent reflections, Hagar! And I am in agreement. I can keep trying to escape pain, but I won't always be able to. When faced with inescapable suffering, it will be good that I have practiced enduring and being peaceful, even in the pain.

 

Edit: and I don't think that there's anything wrong with your use of "I", because it's precisely honest use of language, nothing more. It is exactly you that you're describing; what other pronoun would make sense?

Edited June 1, 2011 by Otis

[Non]

doesn't "work" it only "works" if you make it "work for you".