Yang of boundaries and personal power in relation to Yin of openness and vulnerability

[de_paradise]

[Otis]

I teach and train Systema and combat Tai Chi. Part of the training is to engage in a drill where you deliberately expose oneself to attacks. You take hits, you get knocked down, you get pushed and pulled.

 

Why do we do this?

 

The greatest fear is the fear that you can't handle it. So we engage in continous physical contact to learn that you can in fact handle the worst happening; to learn that the body has the ability to move, yield, adjust and change to mitigate the most aggressive intrusions.

Excellent (and counter-intuitive, I think, to most non-fighters). In my swordplay, I have been facing Jeffrey, my most fierce opponent, for years now. I started primarily on the defensive, and it was useful to learn defense. But finally I realized that I had to learn to attack, as well, and in order to do so, I had to surrender my fear of being hit. Since the attack opens me up to blows, I had to let being hit be okay, and just focus on the attack. Now when we do battle, I do most of the attacking, because it's the most fun, and because I learn simultaneous attack and defense. But I could not have done so, without first surrendering my fear of being hit.

 

Likewise, I learned to punch, without hurting my hand, by striking a metal lamp-post. I started very light, and working my way up, but that experience showed me clearly what resistance I was putting into my hand, and thus, was endangering its health.

 

To cross-reference this with Daoism, there are certain sects whose adherents deliberately expose themselves to public ridicule and abuse. They dress as beggars, beg for food, and seek the ridicule of their friends and family.

And yes, this is very much my logic in the series of public interaction videos I've done. I get to face my bugaboos about being seen as foolish, weird, gay, old, whatever, by exaggerating those qualities in myself, and not being apologetic about them.

[Otis]

I wanted to follow up on my earlier statement that I "feel called to practice being vulnerable".

 

I had that opportunity this week, with a dear friend. She and I had a disagreement, which left us both angry at each other. After the fight, I tried stepping toward her with kindness a couple times, but both times I was rebuffed, because she was still angry.

 

When I looked at the situation, the stories in my head still told me that I was justified, that I was being reasonable, etc. I was tempted to just give it time, wait until she cooled off, and reconnect then.

 

But when I looked at the fact that I want this dear friend in my life, I realized that "justification" was useless. What was important was that I did what I could, in order to make peace with her. Even if my "rightness" was never acknowledged, it was still my responsibility to do what was available to me, rather than wait for her to choose what I wanted her to do. (Her anger with me was not typical at all, so I was not encouraging a chronic problem).

 

So I apologized, without reservation, or any kind of demand that she meet me halfway. Just said that I was sorry for getting angry at her. And we are much better off, as friends, because of it. When I think back about the fight, there is still a voice in my head, which claims that I was in the right. But it doesn't matter; what matters is that I did what I could to make peace with my dear friend.

[Jetsun]

I wanted to follow up on my earlier statement that I "feel called to practice being vulnerable".

 

I had that opportunity this week, with a dear friend. She and I had a disagreement, which left us both angry at each other. After the fight, I tried stepping toward her with kindness a couple times, but both times I was rebuffed, because she was still angry.

 

When I looked at the situation, the stories in my head still told me that I was justified, that I was being reasonable, etc. I was tempted to just give it time, wait until she cooled off, and reconnect then.

 

But when I looked at the fact that I want this dear friend in my life, I realized that "justification" was useless. What was important was that I did what I could, in order to make peace with her. Even if my "rightness" was never acknowledged, it was still my responsibility to do what was available to me, rather than wait for her to choose what I wanted her to do. (Her anger with me was not typical at all, so I was not encouraging a chronic problem).

 

So I apologized, without reservation, or any kind of demand that she meet me halfway. Just said that I was sorry for getting angry at her. And we are much better off, as friends, because of it. When I think back about the fight, there is still a voice in my head, which claims that I was in the right. But it doesn't matter; what matters is that I did what I could to make peace with my dear friend.

 

What would happen if you met her anger with anger?

I was just reading today about a shamanistic take on emotional exchanges and they were saying when two energies of the same sort meet they can cancel each other out which creates possibilities:

 

"When someone becomes angry with you for example, you can use anger, not a personalized anger, but the BIG anger, to deflect their anger as well as your own. You can be angry simply at their anger, totally disassociating it from any specific thing...If you use anger aimed at the emotion of anger you will often find that an epiphany of sorts results. This will in effect create a void emotionally, and through that void you can see more clearly and in that void you can act with detachment in a way that allows you to move them away from the anger....The thing is, that opening not only creates a void, it creates a void which shows you where their anger connects in their energy to their patterns, just as it shows you how it connects in your own. In that moment you can use that knowledge destructively or constructively."

[Otis]

What would happen if you met her anger with anger?

I was just reading today about a shamanistic take on emotional exchanges and they were saying when two energies of the same sort meet they can cancel each other out which creates possibilities:

 

"When someone becomes angry with you for example, you can use anger, not a personalized anger, but the BIG anger, to deflect their anger as well as your own. You can be angry simply at their anger, totally disassociating it from any specific thing...If you use anger aimed at the emotion of anger you will often find that an epiphany of sorts results. This will in effect create a void emotionally, and through that void you can see more clearly and in that void you can act with detachment in a way that allows you to move them away from the anger....The thing is, that opening not only creates a void, it creates a void which shows you where their anger connects in their energy to their patterns, just as it shows you how it connects in your own. In that moment you can use that knowledge destructively or constructively."

I don't know about that theory. I've never had experiences which suggest that.

 

IME of conflict with this particular friend, my anger just increases her anger, and vice versa. Nothing moves. We've tried that already. Being patient and non-confrontational has yielded me the greatest results, since what I want is not to "win", but to enjoy her friendship.