Top 5 regrets people make on their deathbed

[Jetsun]

[Otis]

Great share, Jetsun! Awesome reminder.

 

I often think about deathbed regrets, as a reflection of what is important to me now. It's so easy to get caught up in the busy-ness of everyday life, and then one day, realize that life is over, without having asked the questions: who am I really, and what do I really care about? It's so easy to reward ourselves for living someone else's prescriptive, even if it doesn't fit us, by saying "at least I'm doing the right thing."

 

But the question of "right" is very different, when life is about to vanish, when all opportunities are about to end. That's a great perspective from which to view the whole of life, and it'd be sad for us to wait until we're actually on our deathbed, before taking that perspective on.

[suninmyeyes]

This is fantastic link ,Ive just send it to some of mt mates.

[Birch]

Wonderful share. Thank you

 

Would you mind if I asked what people would rate as their top 5 without being anywhere near a deathbed?

[goldisheavy]

From a nurse who worked for many years in palliative care, whose patients had gone home to die

 

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

 

http://longtermtips.tumblr.com/post/6138846847/top-5-regrets-people-make-on-their-deathbed

 

This was a little wakeup call for me so thought I would share. I'm surprised by how much freedom and choice people felt the had in their lives over such issues like letting themselves be happy and courage to be their expressive selves, makes me think maybe I have far more choice over such things than I realise.

 

This is huge. Thanks for bringing this up.

 

EDIT: I read the linked article and it's even better than the summary Jetsun posted. I encourage everyone to click on the link and read the whole thing.

Edited July 12, 2011 by goldisheavy

[Everything]

Wonderful share. Thank you

 

Would you mind if I asked what people would rate as their top 5 without being anywhere near a deathbed?

I know for my self that I always regret it when I waste energy inefficiently. Regretting falls under that category so I also regret it when I'm regretting. Its weird, but it happens.

 

So I've kinda stopped regretting alltogether. Regretting is very similar to revenge in my eyes. Only regretting is a destruction of self.

[Otis]

Wonderful share. Thank you

 

Would you mind if I asked what people would rate as their top 5 without being anywhere near a deathbed?

From the imagined perspective of the end of my life:

 

I've lived my whole life shy around women I'm drawn to, and often (even now) wait until I have strong evidence that the woman is interested, before trying to connect with her. If that continues, if I don't learn to step up and face the risk of rejection, I will really regret it.

 

I have many loner habits, and find it very easy to be by myself, and relatively uncomfortable to spend much time in others' company. If I don't wake up into the joy of fellowship, I think I will feel as if I missed a huge part of what it means to be alive.

 

I think I'll really regret it, if I never whole-heartedly take on the adventures of marriage and child-rearing.

 

I've been cruising in my career for awhile, as my priority has been (rightfully for now, I think) on self-cultivation and adventurous experiences. But I think I'll regret it, if I don't really push forward on fulfilling more of my career dreams.

 

My family has grown apart from each other, and inertia is keeping us from connecting, the way I'd like. I don't need the whole family to be in harmony, but I think I'll really regret it, if I haven't done my best to bridge gaps with everyone, before either they or I pass away.

[Everything]

From the imagined perspective of the end of my life:

 

I've lived my whole life shy around women I'm drawn to, and often (even now) wait until I have strong evidence that the woman is interested, before trying to connect with her. If that continues, if I don't learn to step up and face the risk of rejection, I will really regret it.

 

I have many loner habits, and find it very easy to be by myself, and relatively uncomfortable to spend much time in others' company. If I don't wake up into the joy of fellowship, I think I will feel as if I missed a huge part of what it means to be alive.

 

I think I'll really regret it, if I never whole-heartedly take on the adventures of marriage and child-rearing.

 

I've been cruising in my career for awhile, as my priority has been (rightfully for now, I think) on self-cultivation and adventurous experiences. But I think I'll regret it, if I don't really push forward on fulfilling more of my career dreams.

 

My family has grown apart from each other, and inertia is keeping us from connecting, the way I'd like. I don't need the whole family to be in harmony, but I think I'll really regret it, if I haven't done my best to bridge gaps with everyone, before either they or I pass away.

I have allot of loner habbits aswell. But honestly, I have no freakin clue why... Not even close

[Taomeow]

Ah well... people will always have regrets, and someone who didn't have the 5 selected by the nurse would probably regret something else... besides, the nurse may have selected, consciously or not, what SHE regrets -- who knows which regrets she didn't relate to she ignored and didn't include?..

 

I can very well imagine a different scenario... don't we all wish for a "control group of me" to test a different life on?..

 

So maybe

 

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me

 

would, for someone who actually did, as many actually do, turn into an altogether different kind of regret:

 

1. I wish I'd been less selfish and did more for others, not just for myself -- so I wouldn't be alone all my life and especially now, and didn't feel like such a useless self-centered jerk and didn't despise myself.

 

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

 

This could turn into

 

2. I wish I worked harder on what matters and didn't work at all on things like updating my car to keep up with the Johnses, or maintaining a sterile toilet bowl and then paying the manicurist to work on my cuticles.

 

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings

 

may become

 

3. I wish I had feelings strong enough to give me courage to do the right thing, instead of living a cowardly life, never feeling strong enough about anything to make a difference.

 

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends

 

may turn into

 

4. I wish I had found new friends when me and my old friends had grown so different that we fell away from each other naturally. I have nothing in common now with Tom who has become a conceited prick incessantly boasting about his stupid career, his money, and his assorted trophies, nor with Mary whose current interests all congregate around her bottle of booze. Why didn't I seek out people with whom I have common interests, and mutual respect and warmth, and whom I could trust, for new friends? People who would be more like who I am today, instead of alien to me and only considered friends because I happened to go to school with them or lived next door or with whom I could "do things together" as long as those "things" provided distractions to dissipate boredom and a sense of meaninglessness of our relationship?..

And finally,

 

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier

 

may go along the lines of what Confucius, who was, by all accounts, happy enough, regretted on his deathbed:

 

5. I wish I had another 50 years to dedicate to the study of the I Ching.

[goldisheavy]

Ah well... people will always have regrets, and someone who didn't have the 5 selected by the nurse would probably regret something else... besides, the nurse may have selected, consciously or not, what SHE regrets -- who knows which regrets she didn't relate to she ignored and didn't include?..

 

It sounds like you don't trust the nurse to report her observations faithfully. It's possible her report is biased. It does ring true to me though. I think it is spot on.

 

I can very well imagine a different scenario... don't we all wish for a "control group of me" to test a different life on?..

 

So maybe

 

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me

 

would, for someone who actually did, as many actually do, turn into an altogether different kind of regret:

 

1. I wish I'd been less selfish and did more for others, not just for myself -- so I wouldn't be alone all my life and especially now, and didn't feel like such a useless self-centered jerk and didn't despise myself.

 

I think this is largely the same thing because most people are not selfish. So for most people being true to oneself already implies being compassionate to others because most of us have a social (rather than anti-social) view of who we are.

 

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

 

This could turn into

 

2. I wish I worked harder on what matters and didn't work at all on things like updating my car to keep up with the Johnses, or maintaining a sterile toilet bowl and then paying the manicurist to work on my cuticles.

 

Had you read the linked page you would have realized you're talking about exactly the same thing.

 

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings

 

may become

 

3. I wish I had feelings strong enough to give me courage to do the right thing, instead of living a cowardly life, never feeling strong enough about anything to make a difference.

 

Interesting point, but this is very much what #1, being more true to oneself, is all about too.

 

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends

 

may turn into

 

4. I wish I had found new friends when me and my old friends had grown so different that we fell away from each other naturally. I have nothing in common now with Tom who has become a conceited prick incessantly boasting about his stupid career, his money, and his assorted trophies, nor with Mary whose current interests all congregate around her bottle of booze. Why didn't I seek out people with whom I have common interests, and mutual respect and warmth, and whom I could trust, for new friends? People who would be more like who I am today, instead of alien to me and only considered friends because I happened to go to school with them or lived next door or with whom I could "do things together" as long as those "things" provided distractions to dissipate boredom and a sense of meaninglessness of our relationship?..

 

Interesting point.

 

And finally,

 

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier

 

may go along the lines of what Confucius, who was, by all accounts, happy enough, regretted on his deathbed:

 

5. I wish I had another 50 years to dedicate to the study of the I Ching.

 

This thing here is a dodge. You should read what the linked page says about 5 and see if you can come up with a more relevant reply. #5 in the linked page reveals that people who are near death often realize happiness is a choice. In other words, these people realized that they can choose to be happy in a wider array of circumstances than they previously thought possible. To be relevant your retort needs to somehow address that crucial aspect. As it stands, it sounds contrived, like you are grasping at straws.

Edited July 12, 2011 by goldisheavy

[doc benway]

[Otis]

I have allot of loner habbits aswell. But honestly, I have no freakin clue why... Not even close

Ah, I think this connects back to our other conversation, about how deeply and mysteriously entrenched habits can be.