Being sick of sickness

[iamtheare]

I'm not quite sure who to ask for a subforum in the journal section otherwise I would post this there.

 

I don't believe myself to be a great story teller but this is my stretch as a new member entering a new home.

 

First off, I was raised to be a Christian. My Father became a born again Christian when I was 4, whilst my mother was still struggling with alcoholism and life itself, it took her 2 years to convert as well. My mother was an abusive drunk, well, she was abusive in general and as my father found his path, she was not one bit happy and tried to destroy everything he owned; including anything related to his new found path. My father was strong through all of this and was quite melancholy towards her efforts to destroy him. I am the youngest and only female of 3 children. For a lot of reasons I don't understand completely, I was a tortured child. Always anxious, always paranoid. I experienced intense hallucinations from 5 years of age to 14 years of age and not to my surprise, many were religious. We went to church and discussed the bible. Never was I completely comfortable with the religion but I followed it nonetheless. After many years of being tortured from not only in my mind but from all sides of reality.. Naturally, through all this I have grown and learned tremendously the depths of my mind and it's abilities. When I was 15, my Dad went into psychosis after losing his job and was extremely hostile towards everyone, especially me because I was showing many signs of straying from the family. Finally, when I was 16, I confronted my Father telling him I no longer believed in God. He was outraged, disowned me and kicked me out. I dropped out of high school and couch hopped for about 2 years. In that time, I did a lot of drugs and hung out with a lot of the wrong people but many times, beautiful older people would take me in and assure me that I was indeed a wonderful child and would take care of me until I would leave. I couldn't stay with people for very long and I still don't know why but perhaps it was guilt. I failed to hold a job. Although, I had found the Tao through an old boyfriend of mine when I was 17 and felt that overwhelming beautiful feeling my father always talked about when he realized the truth of the bible. I had found my truth. But I had convinced myself I was not ready. I had always believed I deserved the unfortunate life I had and that I never deserved happiness but that thinking was fading as I read the Tao.

 

And one day, when I was 18, a traveling friend of mine wanted to go to a Rainbow Gathering where his girlfriend had run away to after a big fight and asked for my assistance in finding a ride so that he could make amends. We ended up going. And that's when my world was turned upside down. I was dosed and went into a psychosis. It was my first time tripping and it was, still is, the most intense trip I've ever had. It was a sort of schizophrenic trip of echoes and constantly shifting geometry. I somehow made it through the forest to a sleeping camp and wrapped a tarp laying on the ground around me and layed there for hours. Morning came and I was changed completely. I was laughing and rocking back and forth, I was frollicking, I was singing, I was...insane. When Rainbow was coming to an end, I decided to hitch back to my hometown with a new buddy to grab a few things before heading west. That was when I fell in love with traveling. I for some reason enjoyed the day to day struggle of finding food, making money, and relying on the generosity of others. I learned quickly about the enormous variety of people in this country and I also learned that there are many out there who wish they could do what I was doing. So many admirers, so many haters. Every single day was a struggle but it was the people that made it worth it. It was the stories, the nights spent with beautiful strangers, the weed kickdowns from the mountain man who grows in his home, the pure love generous parents had for their young children. I did not have much luck with road dogs nor did I have much luck getting to the other side of the country. I was too much enjoying time spent in cities and homes of folks everywhere to worry about getting to another place. After hitching all over the east coast and train hopping through the Carolinas for near 2 years, I had become sick. No doctor cared enough to investigate more but simply wrote me off as dehydrated and exhausted. (I also had a case of Amenorrhea with cysts on my ovaries, one eventually rupturing when I came back to my hometown) I had been able to walk long distances for months and all of the sudden, I couldn't walk 2 miles without dropping to the ground. I realized quickly I could no longer do this and returned back home. My parents accepted me and anyone with me into their home. I cannot express the gratitude I have for my parents love and for this experience a lot of people don't quite understand why. Perhaps some of you do.

 

To this day, I am still paranoid and anxious but the Tao has generously helped me cope with this and move on. I've always had trouble concentrating and staying motivated and finally, after a few months of being home and bringing light back into my mind and body, I can meditate once more and move freely.

 

Being back with my very Christian family has been a struggle and most of the struggle is acceptance. My father has had a really hard time accepting me and my beliefs because he is so firm in his. He tries to convince me, he tries to discuss things with me and he even does this tactfully as if he's been planning for days. But I absolutely love my family and have no regrets nor hostility towards them. They are as they are and I cannot and will not try to change that. I find it somewhat admirable how passionate my Dad is that he would actually study and look for ways to try and convince me, hehe. There is much more I could say and talk about but I do believe this is enough, for now, for some of you to understand where I stand.

 

And now, my struggle is to continue to bring love into my home and to help my family realize that I do not have to be a Christian to know the truth.

 

With much love.

 

To realize that our knowledge is ignorance,

This is a noble insight.

To regard our ignorance as knowledge,

This is mental sickness.

Only when we are sick of the sickness

Shall we cease to be sick.

The Sage is not sick, being sick of sickness; This is the secret of health.

 

Chapter 71, Tao Teh Ching

 

P.S. I am very happy to be here and to have found this community. I look forward to learning from all of you and hearing your stories. And if you have any questions/suggestions, please do post them.

Edited September 10, 2011 by iamtheare

[mjjbecker]

Beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

 

I think Mal can help you out with a personal practice forum of your own:

 

http://www.thetaobums.com/index.php?/user/1090-mal/

[doc benway]

Thanks for sharing your very personal story - that takes courage.

 

Welcome and I hope you enjoy your time here.

There are a lot of reasons why people spend time here. I think many of us are looking for a sense of community that we have not found in some of the more mainstream institutions and organizations.

[Marblehead]

Hi Iamtheare,

 

Wow! What a tongue twister. Hehehe.

 

Thanks for sharing the story and welcome to the Bums.

 

May you enjoy your time here.

[windblown]

You have great courage.

[AЯAB]

That is pretty gnarly how you were able to say all that. You chose the best place on the net.I don't post much here, I'm always hiding in the background XD but since you were able to trust us than trust me that this is the place to be! Take care for now my tao bum sista and much love (:

[oat1239]

And now, my struggle is to continue to bring love into my home and to help my family realize that I do not have to be a Christian to know the truth.

With much love.

P.S. I am very happy to be here and to have found this community. I look forward to learning from all of you and hearing your stories. And if you have any questions/suggestions, please do post them.

 

Hi iamtheare. It is good to hear that your family is there for you. Maybe you don't need to struggle at all. Just giving love and being yourself should be enough. Everyone sees and does things in their own way. We can't change that. Just being yourself and being loving and accepting may be enough for others to understand you and accept you more in their own time and their own way, and vice versa. It can't really be forced. They may not ever fully get you but it seems they have already accepted you.

Edited September 11, 2011 by oat1239

[iamtheare]

There is still tension in the religious aspect but everything else is great as usual

 

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate it.

[Bubbles]

Hi Iamtheare

 

Thanks for sharing and welcome.

 

Call me an idiot for this but if there is love between your father and you, labeling religion belongings doesn't make much sense right? He is offering you Christian love and you are offering him Daoist compassion but in the end, what are we talking about? love, How nice!

Edited September 11, 2011 by bubbles

[iamtheare]

Well considering he believes the Lord to be the only truth, that can create problems regardless of the love we share...yes, it is love but his love wants me to realize the truth because that's what he believes to be true. He is not religious by any means either, he is just absolutely in love with the Bible and it makes perfect sense to him. He has told me many times how miserable it makes him to see me be deceived by this and that and to see me deny the truth over and over again. I'm not miserable one bit, I'm just sad to see him go through this obsession.

 

If only it were that simple with this man, Bubbles! It's okay, I accept it we're good as long as we don't talk about our beliefs, hahaha!

[Bubbles]

I can see what you are talking about..

If I recall well, in the Bible, in John 3:8, it is written that the wind blows where it wants to so one Spirit, one Love but different names and paths to get to it. Different flowers unfold from the same soil, and it usually makes beautiful bunches.

Enough of my bubbles, we already agree.

 

edited for spelling

Edited September 12, 2011 by bubbles

[thelerner]

He has told me many times how miserable it makes him to see me be deceived by this and that and to see me deny the truth over and over again. I'm not miserable one bit, I'm just sad to see him go through this obsession.

 

If only it were that simple with this man, Bubbles! It's okay, I accept it we're good as long as we don't talk about our beliefs, hahaha!

I wonder if you can 'throw him a bone', there are many positive things about Christianity (not that I'm one). If you're drawn into a conversation you could try to move it to your admiration of Jesus's philosophy that you agree with. You can keep your own beliefs while finding common ground with your Dad and giving him what fathers want most..hope..

 

I admire your spirit and travels

Michael (I did a write up about the Burning Man Festival in the article section you might like)

[iamtheare]

This is something I already do and have continued to do since I have moved back in with him.

 

There is no talking about the Tao without him saying that is absolutely contradicts itself and I just smile and say, "Okay."

 

He gets really offended easily.

 

Thank you very much, so far I am very happy here and you guys are the shit Whoops.

[gendao]

When I was 15, my Dad went into psychosis after losing his job and was extremely hostile towards everyone, especially me because I was showing many signs of straying from the family. Finally, when I was 16, I confronted my Father telling him I no longer believed in God. He was outraged, disowned me and kicked me out.

Your Dad lost his job/faith in God/himself and was outraged at and disowned himself for that. You were merely an external reflection and convenient proxy target for his own internal "crisis of faith'"

but many times, beautiful older people would take me in and assure me that I was indeed a wonderful child and would take care of me until I would leave.

 

the pure love generous parents had for their young children.

 

My parents accepted me and anyone with me into their home. I cannot express the gratitude I have for my parents love and for this experience a lot of people don't quite understand why. Perhaps some of you do.

So, you went out and sought your father's unconditional love/full acceptance that you were now denied...

Being back with my very Christian family has been a struggle and most of the struggle is acceptance. My father has had a really hard time accepting me and my beliefs because he is so firm in his. He tries to convince me, he tries to discuss things with me and he even does this tactfully as if he's been planning for days.

 

And now, my struggle is to continue to bring love into my home

 

With much love.

But eventually, you came back around to seek it closer from its source. What you have to realize though, is that your Dad is not even the real source. What you truly seek is your own unconditional love/acceptance from yourself. Again, your Dad's conditional unacceptance is only a reflection of your own conditional lack of self-acceptance.

 

Meanwhile, your Dad is secretly plagued with doubts about his own faith and is actually thus so desperately trying to convince HIMSELF of his own beliefs, not you (per se)..

 

The cool thing here is how each of your issues naturally feed the other, thus creating an automatic feedback loop.

[iamtheare]

Exactly Vortex! Exactly.

 

I've known this for some time and I let go of seeking a while ago and simply let life happen. I found many reflections of reflections of reflections and yes, the reflection of my own self-acceptance was evident and still is. It is by letting go that before me I see a lot of unaccepting people and ways to help them become accepting, ultimately, finding ways to help myself.

 

Life!

[iamtheare]

Exactly Vortex! Exactly.

 

I've known this for some time and I let go of seeking a while ago and simply let life happen. I found many reflections of reflections of reflections and yes, the reflection of my own self-acceptance was evident and still is. It is by letting go that before me I see a lot of unaccepting people and ways to help them become accepting, ultimately, finding ways to help myself.

 

Life!

Edited September 16, 2011 by iamtheare