Me and myself

[Aaron]

So I share this knowing it's going to make me sound crazy, and clinically I guess I would be categorized as crazy, but to be honest I really don't care what people think so much, rather I wanted to share this and get some feedback from others.

 

Anyways, inside my mind exists the home I lived in when I was eight, also there is the front yard and the street and the dock and lake across the road. It's just a small space, but it seems real, I can smell things there, feel the ground and the objects in it. Now the thing that scares me is this, remember I said I had an experience where I found myself laying on my bed and a younger version of me came out and comforted me, well that Aaron is there, but there are other versions of me, three to be exact, one is named Noel and he's around the same age as the Aaron that visits me from time to time, eight or so, Ryan who is around eleven and a younger Aaron, who they call little Aaron, that's around four or five.

 

I know it sounds weird and unbelievable, but it's really there and they're really there and I'm not sure what to do about it. They don't cause me any trouble or pain, but I think maybe that's the problem that they're there because I haven't dealt with something and I'm keeping there for some reason. I wonder if they're real people or just figments of my imagination, but then when I talk to them and watch them they seem so real, they're not the same. Little Aaron is hyperactive and just out of control, Aaron is shy and introverted, I guess I'm trying to say is that they all seem to be different, but I know they must be me, just me caught at some specific time and spot.

 

Anyways, it seems like more and more lately I keep getting drawn back to that house and when it happens I can't remember anything while I'm there, it's all blank, so I'm worried about what I might be doing while I'm there. I've had blackouts for years and years and I know this is the reason why, but my question is why am I suddenly finding myself in this house with these kids more and more?

 

So I guess my question is what should I make of this? (I guess this throws any doubts of me being a Bodhisattva wannabe out the window.) So what I'm sharing now is the real me... the me that I'm afraid to talk about, but I would like to talk about and get off my chest, and maybe get some insight from others. The reason I was thinking about this is because I've been sharing my pacifistic philosophy with others and someone made the comment that maybe the reason I'm such a hardcore pacifist is because I've been hurt for so long I just gave up and decided it wasn't worth fighting anymore. Maybe that's why these kids are still inside me, unable to grow older or change, because I've failed to allow myself to escape the pain of my past?

 

Anyways, this is just what I've been thinking about. I guess when I experienced the light awhile back I thought somehow that would change who I was, but all that's seemed to happen is that I've become painfully aware of just how screwed up I am.

 

Aaron

 

edit- That's the nice thing about online communities you can share the crazy stuff without having to worry about dealing with anyone face to face, so you can be a bit more honest than you are with the people around you.

Edited October 29, 2011 by Twinner

[Jetsun]

When you aren't protected properly when you are vulnerable then personality fragments can become dissociated and become frozen in space and time as a way to protect yourself, it's a perfectly understandable sane reaction to cope in some situations. I think this happens to many people to different degrees.

[Marblehead]

So I guess my question is what should I make of this?

 

You're thinking too freakin' much. Stop thinking and just be (live).

[michael245]

Drink a beer.

Edited October 29, 2011 by michael245

[Protector]

Change perspective to understand it

Then go where they are just energy and breath them in

[Apech]

Hi,

 

Aaron I think you have some courage sharing this with us. I kind of agree with the 'have a beer' approach but only in the sense that if you focus too much on this sort of thing then it can get more 'real' (in an obsessive way) and less easy to understand. In some ways we are all legion ... that is until we achieve a high level of integration then our personality is fragmented ... most people would confess to doing things out of character and we mostly have an internal dialogue which includes one part of ourselves commenting on the other parts. We have many parts. Not everybody experiences these as being separate entities but it is not a million miles from ordinary experience.

 

I would suggest that you meditate (in a light hearted way) on emptiness and then examine these experiences for what they are and try to see what your Self is trying to tell you (if you see what I mean). Probably good to have someone to work with you on this one-to-one if you can find someone with the right listening skills.

 

My 2 c.

 

A.

[manitou]

It occurred to me one day that I seem to be fragments of just about everyone I've ever met in my life. Almost like I'm really nothing more than a collection of everyone else's personality threads. Sometimes I'll say something and I'll think 'Wow - that's just what my old police partner would have said', or someone else who had an impact on me. I have adopted traits from so many people, I can't even count. They've always been there; but now I can See them. Before I could see them, I was just a part of them without knowing. I have a little Barbie too - and I seem to slip in and out of the little Barbie mindset daily as conditions permit. The other mindset is an actual mature older person.

 

My guess, as a proponent of the inner work, is that if your memories keep taking you back to the same place and time, that there's something there for you to look at. I can't help but believe that your twin-ness is the very thing that causes little Aaron to come out of you and tell you you're really here. There are very deep connections with twin-ness that result in a feeling of being only half a person, etc.

 

If this is something that is bothering you particularly at this time, maybe you could try getting your mind off it and maybe building something? Something that takes you out of yourself and affirms your own personhood. Something you could be real proud of when you're finished. A painting? A piece of furniture? This will help affirm your own I-ness and sort of 'trick your soul', which is something we can do. I think your memories are leading you further into integration of self.

[Birch]

What Jetsun said. From what I've read/understood/experienced, this kind of thing is actually pretty common. And yes, a way of protecting yourself (as is dissassociation BTW).

If i can find references, will post. Sounds like you'd be a good candidate for some kind of soul retreival work to integrate everyone.

I'd also thank them for being there and let them know you're fine and danger is passed and they can go off and play:-)

 

I think we get so obsessed about "normal" phenomena when many of these things are IMO/IME "normal".

 

My personal 2cts opinion

[Aaron]

Change perspective to understand it

Then go where they are just energy and breath them in

 

 

First this reminds me of a vampire, I'd never do that to them. I know you might see them as being fragments or not real beings, but I'm telling you, in the world they live in they are real, they're just stuck at one age and time. I already know why they're there, and knowing that, I still don't have the right to take them "out" because they inconvenience me. To be honest I haven't had a problem with them for quite awhile, I think it's the stress of homelessness and unemployment that's causing these things to occur again.

 

Aaron

Edited October 29, 2011 by Twinner

[Protector]

They are you and they are a part of you, they just don't know their place like you don't seem to, from your stress. Practice forgiveness

[Aaron]

It occurred to me one day that I seem to be fragments of just about everyone I've ever met in my life. Almost like I'm really nothing more than a collection of everyone else's personality threads. Sometimes I'll say something and I'll think 'Wow - that's just what my old police partner would have said', or someone else who had an impact on me. I have adopted traits from so many people, I can't even count. They've always been there; but now I can See them. Before I could see them, I was just a part of them without knowing. I have a little Barbie too - and I seem to slip in and out of the little Barbie mindset daily as conditions permit. The other mindset is an actual mature older person.

 

My guess, as a proponent of the inner work, is that if your memories keep taking you back to the same place and time, that there's something there for you to look at. I can't help but believe that your twin-ness is the very thing that causes little Aaron to come out of you and tell you you're really here. There are very deep connections with twin-ness that result in a feeling of being only half a person, etc.

 

If this is something that is bothering you particularly at this time, maybe you could try getting your mind off it and maybe building something? Something that takes you out of yourself and affirms your own personhood. Something you could be real proud of when you're finished. A painting? A piece of furniture? This will help affirm your own I-ness and sort of 'trick your soul', which is something we can do. I think your memories are leading you further into integration of self.

 

 

Hello Manitou,

 

That's the screwy thing, my memories don't take me back, in fact I came to terms with most of that stuff in the first two years of my recovery, and the rest two years ago, so this new recurrence of "stress blackouts" is kind of strange. I'm not too worried about them because I don't leave my house when they happen, so I'm certain I'm not robbing a convenience store or managing an international crime syndicate, rather I'm probably just watching cartoons, reading a book, or something like that. My brother (who's my roommate) has never commented about it, except to say I talk too much sometimes.

 

I guess my question isn't how to get rid of them, I know to someone else who doesn't experience the "We phenomena" it might be hard to understand, but they are very real. I think they have their own souls and spirits and they certainly have their own thoughts, likes and dislikes, and feelings. For all intents and purposes they're children too, so for me integration is like saying, you've served your purpose, now it's time to be rid of you.

 

Anyways that's not meant to be negative, just my opinion. Things will most likely die down again. I haven't had a blackout in a couple of weeks and I actually don't have them that often. I went for years without having a blackout, so in that regard I'm just going to let things take their own course.

 

Aaron

[suninmyeyes]

Anyways, it seems like more and more lately I keep getting drawn back to that house and when it happens I can't remember anything while I'm there, it's all blank, so I'm worried about what I might be doing while I'm there. I've had blackouts for years and years and I know this is the reason why, but my question is why am I suddenly finding myself in this house with these kids more and more?

 

So I guess my question is what should I make of this?

Dont make anything out of it or even attempt to do so. Leave it as it is. Dont pick it over and over again, giving it life.

I think Apech reccomended meditation on emptiness which is a good suggestion.

What you could do IMO is find out why is this happening and what can you do about it.

[Birch]

Twinner, I'd go get the black-outs part checked out. Could be all the stress you've been under but i recall your diet isn't great so watch out for BP- related "stuff":-)

[RiverSnake]

Can't say i can give any good advice since i haven't had any similar experiences. All i can say is when i lack the right knowledge in certain situations or am feeling futile i pray for life to guide me.

 

Simple prayer i use: "To the Beings of Light... thank you for Guiding me on the path that will be most fruitful. Thank you for showing me the road to peace, love and happiness."

 

-You can edit and create any prayer you like. IMO the most important thing is the sincerity in your heart and the spirits you say that you wish to invoke: "Beings of Light" has always worked for me.

 

-My 2 cents, Peace

Edited October 29, 2011 by OldGreen

[gendao]

Random input time:

 

I saw a Sun arcing up into the sky and then turning into a moon on the way down.

 

I saw a purple glow over the land. And a red-hot coil, similar to an electric stove.

 

And a view looking at Jupiter past Saturn (which was much smaller) in the lower foreground.

 

Possible interpretation:

 

You have a "Saturn complex" where the son cyclically kills his overbearing father. Saturn killed his brutal father, Caelus. And then, he was killed in the same manner by his own son, Jupiter...creating a vicious cycle over time.

Saturn often stands for the father in the natal chart, as does the Sun, however with Saturn it usually indicates problems with the father. Saturn indicates a tyrannical, domineering parent who seeks to mold his children in his own image and force them to live by his standards. Children often become "swallowed up" by such domination. Saturn's connection with agriculture suggests the nature of time. The Golden Years is a term used to describe the retirement years and Saturn rules old age.

Hence, the symbols for Jupiter & Saturn are actually the same, just inverted:

Ergo, you are like your twin/father figures/probably lovers/rivals/Encephalon, etc, just "inverted." They may represent a discarded, solar/Jupiter domineering aspect and you a lunar/Saturn aspect of yourself that are so at odds and unreconciled - you even incarnated separately as twins.

 

Heck, you might even be gay partially because you subconsciously fear ever having a son who might then rise up against you.

Your challenge now then would be in accepting your own bright Jupiter nature back, resolving your internal father/son power struggle and seeing how they're just all temporal roles/phases of you. As you naturally cyclically change from one to the other over time (son into moon, son into father, Saturn from a son who kills his dad to vice-versa). So, both aspects already reside within you (Jupiter perhaps symbolized by the red-hot Kundaliniesque coil), which is why "Jupiter" dudes resonate with you to begin with.. It's just a matter of acknowledging and accepting it (first inside, then outside).

Edited October 29, 2011 by vortex

[Protector]

that's the weirdest thing I ever heard

[manitou]

wow, Vortex. That's getting out there. I love your vision and your triangulation. Any number of possibilities, and the results of a quantum brain, as I see it.

[Apech]

that's the weirdest thing I ever heard

 

Stick around on TTBs for a few years and it will sound normal .

[Birch]

Vortex, it was pretty awesome. But can i make a very small suggestion?

Just give out "the information" )if indeed it is such:-)

 

The "what do i do with it" is IMO/IME a whole other thing.

Indeed i'll field it generally to TTB. "once you've found out what it does:is. Then what?

[zanshin]

Children need love and acceptance and adults need love and acceptance. We all have "inner child" so to speak, yours feeling quite separate from you. I think I agree with Vortex, although I'm not sure I understood Vortex, you need to accept and integrate these parts but not "get rid of" Children and adults also need to be taken care of so if you have problems with diet and might need health factors checked for blackouts please do work on that or get it checked.

[manitou]

Aaron - I too have virtually no memories of childhood, so many are blocked, every once in a while a new one emerges. Looking at it from a substance abuse perspective, which is common to you and I, we know we've done some damage to our brain cells in the past. I too get blackouts of a type - and I've been sober 30 years. Mine are more of the brown-out variety, like where I'll be driving somewhere and then forget totally where I'm going and why I'm in the car at all. This is nasty going on freeways at 70 mph. All I can do is stay in the lane until orientation returns. I'd love to tell my doctor about this, but I know he'd have to report this to the motor vehicle dept. and I'd have to give up my drivers license. I don't feel quite ready for that yet, although my hand may be forced on that in the future.

 

I get little snippets of memories too, like being in the shower with my father when I was about 5. I do recall seeing him in a state of erection. There is nothing beyond that memory. Everything has been blacked out. Maybe one day I'll see the reason my psyche has retained that snippet of memory, but I'm pretty sure it won't be anything I really want to see. and, as a retired cop, I'm no fool. something happened.

 

I think folks like you and me, us recovering ones and all who suffered trauma in their early years, must be patient with our integration into the real self. We were dealt a tough hand in life, but the beauty of it is that the other side of the coin is an ability to tap into the eternal, once the demons are exorcised. Those who live closer to the golden mean throughout their life would need to experience a different path toward the eternal. But this one seems to be ours, for some reason. Please don't feel like the lone ranger on this one.

[Protector]

Root chakra is the chakra of forgiveness

[Aaron]

Aaron - I too have virtually no memories of childhood, so many are blocked, every once in a while a new one emerges. Looking at it from a substance abuse perspective, which is common to you and I, we know we've done some damage to our brain cells in the past. I too get blackouts of a type - and I've been sober 30 years. Mine are more of the brown-out variety, like where I'll be driving somewhere and then forget totally where I'm going and why I'm in the car at all. This is nasty going on freeways at 70 mph. All I can do is stay in the lane until orientation returns. I'd love to tell my doctor about this, but I know he'd have to report this to the motor vehicle dept. and I'd have to give up my drivers license. I don't feel quite ready for that yet, although my hand may be forced on that in the future.

 

I get little snippets of memories too, like being in the shower with my father when I was about 5. I do recall seeing him in a state of erection. There is nothing beyond that memory. Everything has been blacked out. Maybe one day I'll see the reason my psyche has retained that snippet of memory, but I'm pretty sure it won't be anything I really want to see. and, as a retired cop, I'm no fool. something happened.

 

I think folks like you and me, us recovering ones and all who suffered trauma in their early years, must be patient with our integration into the real self. We were dealt a tough hand in life, but the beauty of it is that the other side of the coin is an ability to tap into the eternal, once the demons are exorcised. Those who live closer to the golden mean throughout their life would need to experience a different path toward the eternal. But this one seems to be ours, for some reason. Please don't feel like the lone ranger on this one.

 

 

Hello Manitou,

 

I'm sorry to hear that you have suffered from abuse, it's never an easy thing to admit or come to terms with. I'm patient, but at times perplexed. I'll work through this and it's not really causing me pain or suffering, just a bit of confusion. My own blackouts have been investigated and found to be psychogenic in nature, in other words they have no physical basis, so medication and such wont really help with it. I don't suffer them all that much and during those blackouts I don't behave irrationally or strange, in fact I seem to do normal things, like watch television and such. As I said they haven't been a real problem for years and the recurrence awhile back caused me a bit of shock, but I have come to terms with it.

 

 

In regards to what others have mentioned, I have thought about integration, but I'm not so sure that's the way to go. I would feel tremendously guilty if I integrated other souls, purely for the sake of my own. As I said, I am giving it some thought, but for now I have no intention, nor would I make such a decision without the consent of the others that are living in that world in my head. If they didn't agree to it, I wouldn't do it, plain and simple.

 

I think convention dictates that I somehow possess them, that they are me, and perhaps they are "me", since aren't we all a part of the greater "me", but in the same way they have developed their own self-identities, for whatever reason and deserve to make the decision regarding their fate.

 

In retrospect I regret starting this thread, if only because most people don't seem to understand that this isn't really traumatic for me, just confusing. I'm lucid and very aware of the world, my mind is just slightly different from a normal mind, or maybe I'm just acutely aware of what others aren't? Who knows.

 

In the end we need to do what's best for us, but in doing so we can't allow our own interests to blind us to the needs of others, whether that is a flesh and blood child or a child who only lives in a world inside someone's mind.

 

Aaron

 

edit- Vortex, what you said actually made a lot of sense in a Jungian archetype sense, except for the gay thing. I'm not exclusively gay, I have been attracted to women in the past and find myself still attracted to some, I just happen to find myself attracted to certain men as well, ironically it's the not the rough and tumble men, but sensitive, caring, and artistic men (while with women I tend to find myself attracted to take charge kind of girls, who aren't afraid of speaking their mind.)

 

Hah... now I've shared a bit too much, so I'm going to shut up now.

Edited October 30, 2011 by Twinner

[Aaron]

Can't say i can give any good advice since i haven't had any similar experiences. All i can say is when i lack the right knowledge in certain situations or am feeling futile i pray for life to guide me.

 

Simple prayer i use: "To the Beings of Light... thank you for Guiding me on the path that will be most fruitful. Thank you for showing me the road to peace, love and happiness."

 

-You can edit and create any prayer you like. IMO the most important thing is the sincerity in your heart and the spirits you say that you wish to invoke: "Beings of Light" has always worked for me.

 

-My 2 cents, Peace

 

 

Hello Old Green,

 

I thank you for your advice, but I quit praying about a year ago. I prayed every morning and night for I don't know how long, praying essentially what you said, except mine was "May I do what is right and not what I want. May I find forgiveness as I forgive others. May I not work by my will, but be a tool of the universe."

 

Anyways, it was reassuring, but after awhile I realized I wasn't exactly sure who I was praying to and if I couldn't be sure of that, what was the purpose? Anyways, thanks again and I am glad that it's working for you.

 

Aaron

Edited October 30, 2011 by Twinner

[gendao]