The path is not easy.

[Adj]

My girlfriend and I had recently moved into a new apartment together.

 

After about a month here together I am high disappointed with her.

 

She does not care for her dog, or her other animals. I am always caring for them, for their health and happiness.

She leaves horrible messes and any time I approach her about these messes it results in a heated battle.

 

Recently I got sick of her messes and took it upon myself to wash, dry, hang up and fold, all of her clothes and organize the closet and undo her wreck in the kitchen. She was very pleased when she got home.

 

I went to work Saturday and on my way home she called me to tell me that she was working on paperwork and that there was a mess from it and that she will clean it up. I expressed I do not have a problem with it. Why should I?

 

But when I left to work Sunday she did not clean it up, and there is an even greater mess. Paper all over the closet, clothes on the floor, the kitchen piled up with dirty dishes. Piss smell from the dog, and a piercing rot from the garbage. Today is Monday and when she left in the morning to school she wrecked the bathroom and now everything is a mess. 3 days, several promises, and none kept. I'm very upset.

 

How can I address this without a battle? And more importantly how do I not get totally pissed off every time this happens?!?!

 

I understand the Tao, but how do I put it into practice?

 

I can't help but feel rage at her disrespectful messes, and even more so her attitude when I approach her on the topic(no matter how gently).

Edited November 14, 2011 by Adj

[Protector]

Get so angry that you start laughing

[thelerner]

Get so angry that you start laughing

Good example of crazy wisdom.

 

Let me double it. My solution get more animals. If she has 3, you should get 5 more. Take excellent care of all of them. A month later get another 5, again take very good care of them. Think of it as a practice in egolessnessessis.

 

At the end of the 2nd month get rid of 10 of the animals. It'll be like- wow, only 4 animals to take care of this is so easy. Suddenly no more problems with the animals, not even the the difficult 4rth one.

[Harmonious Emptiness]

aahhahahahhaaa

 

aaaaahhhahahhahaahhah

 

 

I'm just laughing because it's not me this time. I lived with an animal ADDICT once, for 2 years. Thankfully she wasn't a total slob, and we had a big place so she had her own disaster area.

 

If you want to be more tolerant, perhaps try to remember a teaching from The Buddha, essentially to cultivate meditation to be like the Earth, which does not worry about what falls on it pure or impure, the water, likewise, fire, likewise, the air, likewise..

 

However, if you're not at a good level and commitment in doing this, you may just be suppressing your feelings which you probably shouldn't have to do. I find humour is a good way to speak your mind without being combative. Call me passive aggressive, but so is leaving your shit on my floor and expecting me to clean it up.

 

You might also offer to actively help, rather than reactively. Just don't start too high or you might set high expectations. Do it out of love. Then if she keeps on like that, you can confront her. Don't be passive aggressive and clean up expecting her to "get it."

 

Of course, your personality will determine what is the best approach. What works for Mother Theresa might not work for everyone, though I heard she was known to yell at people too.

 

You obviously have different standards of clean too, so maybe let it get as bad as possible to see where her line really is at, even if you have to leave the apartment for a while.

 

Once again, don't be passive aggressive about it.. Fight and have make-up sex.. then she'll clean the floor the next morning... if this was a tv show...lol.

[doc benway]

My girlfriend and I had recently moved into a new apartment together.

 

After about a month here together I am high disappointed with her.

 

She does not care for her dog, or her other animals. I am always caring for them, for their health and happiness.

She leaves horrible messes and any time I approach her about these messes it results in a heated battle.

 

Recently I got sick of her messes and took it upon myself to wash, dry, hang up and fold, all of her clothes and organize the closet and undo her wreck in the kitchen. She was very pleased when she got home.

 

I went to work Saturday and on my way home she called me to tell me that she was working on paperwork and that there was a mess from it and that she will clean it up. I expressed I do not have a problem with it. Why should I?

 

But when I left to work Sunday she did not clean it up, and there is an even greater mess. Paper all over the closet, clothes on the floor, the kitchen piled up with dirty dishes. Piss smell from the dog, and a piercing rot from the garbage. Today is Monday and when she left in the morning to school she wrecked the bathroom and now everything is a mess. 3 days, several promises, and none kept. I'm very upset.

 

How can I address this without a battle? And more importantly how do I not get totally pissed off every time this happens?!?!

 

I understand the Tao, but how do I put it into practice?

 

I can't help but feel rage at her disrespectful messes, and even more so her attitude when I approach her on the topic(no matter how gently).

It's not selfish for me to live my life as I see fit

Selfishness is expecting you to live your life as I see fit.

 

Two people come together and each creates a different reality around them.

She is at peace with a messier level of life than you are.

I'm not judging who is right or wrong

So you need to find balance and you can't always find it and it takes a lot of work in every relationship sooner or later.

 

I like to look at what the situation tells me about ME, not the other person, and go from there.

Then I can usually see the other side better somehow.

[dwai]

My girlfriend and I had recently moved into a new apartment together.

 

After about a month here together I am high disappointed with her.

 

She does not care for her dog, or her other animals. I am always caring for them, for their health and happiness.

She leaves horrible messes and any time I approach her about these messes it results in a heated battle.

 

Recently I got sick of her messes and took it upon myself to wash, dry, hang up and fold, all of her clothes and organize the closet and undo her wreck in the kitchen. She was very pleased when she got home.

 

I went to work Saturday and on my way home she called me to tell me that she was working on paperwork and that there was a mess from it and that she will clean it up. I expressed I do not have a problem with it. Why should I?

 

But when I left to work Sunday she did not clean it up, and there is an even greater mess. Paper all over the closet, clothes on the floor, the kitchen piled up with dirty dishes. Piss smell from the dog, and a piercing rot from the garbage. Today is Monday and when she left in the morning to school she wrecked the bathroom and now everything is a mess. 3 days, several promises, and none kept. I'm very upset.

 

How can I address this without a battle? And more importantly how do I not get totally pissed off every time this happens?!?!

 

I understand the Tao, but how do I put it into practice?

 

I can't help but feel rage at her disrespectful messes, and even more so her attitude when I approach her on the topic(no matter how gently).

 

Reflects a lack of maturity on part of your friend. I've encountered similar issues (sometimes inflicted by myself on another and also vice versa). There is no easy way...I had to wait for both myself and the other to mature such that these things started to resolve themselves.

 

No one likes to come face to face with unpleasant facts about themselves (no matter how trivial they may seem to us). Those who have the emotional and energetic maturity to see this for what it really is, realize that and are more likely to be forgiving. My 4-yr old daughter makes a terrible mess after each of her playing sessions...and it takes a reality check of her level of maturity to deal with it and clean up after her. I know it's not the same thing, but perhaps you need to consider this from that angle as well?

 

 

[Thunder_Gooch]

I am sure I will probably get some flames for being brutally honest here, but here goes.

 

I think maybe you are upset with the situation because you thought as a man being in a relationship with a woman that things would be 50/50.

 

Things are not 50/50.

 

In reality it is more like 95/5.

 

You are responsible for working full time and supporting her completely, you are responsible for making sure she has a car to drive, automotive and health insurance, and that the rent gets paid, and that there is food, that she has enough money to go shoe shopping twice a week, and she has plenty of money for clothes and makeup as well, if she decides she wants children (you have no say in the matter) you are responsible for supporting them as well.

 

When you get in from work, it is your responsibility to do all the housework, clean up every mess even if you didn't make it, make sure the pets are fed and medical needs met, make sure you cook dinner for your girlfriend and make sure her needs are satisfied.

 

You must do this and do it all while remaining cheerful and loving towards her.

 

Remember she is under no obligation to give you anything back out of the equation, even if you feel you deserve it.

 

This is what being in a relationship really entails and if you don't like it you don't need to be in one in my opinion.

 

If you want the relationship to be more 50/50 you will need to talk with her and explain you will leave her unless things improve.

 

It will always be a constant battle though, even if she agrees, always constant arguments.

 

In my opinion you should decide now if the relationship is worth all the sacrifice, or if you can somehow make a 50/50 relationship work, if it is worth the emotional distress of constantly fighting to maintain a 50/50 balance.

 

Remember when children come into the picture things become exponentially more complicated, and it isn't your choice of when or if you have children it is hers. If you don't like the idea of that you should freeze some sperm and get a vasectomy.

 

Just my $0.02

Edited November 15, 2011 by More_Pie_Guy

[DalTheJigsaw123]

How funny, I used to have the same problem, well there is a little bit of a problem left, but it definitely has improved. I suggest leading by example, has worked for me, hence, I suggest it to you!

[RiverSnake]

I had a similar experience with my dad...except i was the one being messy. He came up to me and said something to this effect:

 

"Chris, i having been asking you to keep the house clean and respect the spaces that belong to both me and you. However, you haven't been considerate enough to do that, what that means to me is that you basically don't respect me, you don't give shit about how i feel about the situation and you're basically telling me to go fuck myself every time you leave your shit hanging around...and if that is how you feel then that is your choice and is fine and dandy...however i just want to let you know how i feel and make sure were both on the same page here in how we understand each other."

 

-I now make the effort to keep the house tidy.

 

-Communicate, organize your feels and convey them to the best of your ability. Also fighting can be healthy for a relationship, its better than letting resentment build up until it explodes.

 

My 2 cents, Peace

[Aaron]

I would suggest talking about it, but not when it's an issue, in other words, not when you're upset about the mess or cleaning up the mess, but rather when things are clean and tidy. I also wonder how this will effect your relationship in the long term. I think you may also be enabling her a bit, by cleaning up the messes and taking care of her, rather than forcing her to take care of herself.

 

My practical suggestion, clean up one last time, wait a day or two, go out to dinner and bring it up in a casual way. Don't force it, but say essentially what Old Green's Dad said to him, which is absolutely true by the way. If she knows this is bothering you and she keeps doing it, it's probably just a bit passive aggressive. Anyways that's not the point, the point is to set clear boundaries in your relationship, in other words let her know what is acceptable and unacceptable, or what hurts your feelings, makes you mad, and what doesn't.

 

Of course don't be surprised if you share your feelings and she gets upset, the key is to make sure that she knows you love her an this isn't an attack on her, but rather that you're just expressing how her actions are making you feel.

 

My wife was a complete slob and I finally had it out with her about it, after that she started to help out spontaneously. She still made the occasional messes, but she also cleaned the occasional mess too, which was all I really wanted.

 

Aaron

[Adj]

Everyone, you have left some very good feedback, thank you.

 

I did speak with her about it. And how I felt hurt. She fought back. Got mad. Said fuck you you ungreatful bastard. Which I was surprised about. I pretended I didn't hear it and said "I love you, and am sorry this upsets you. You can clean up your mess and think I am an ungreatful bastard, or you can leave your mess and think I am an ungreatful bastard. Either way I am hurt by your disrespect." She responded, "Well I'm not going to clean it!"

 

When I got home, she cleaned it and gave me a kiss and said sorry. Whoooo it was hard to stay calm. Then I said, "I am sorry too. Now make me dinner." and she gasped and we wrestled then went shopping for dinner, which she cooked. And it was good.

 

Thanks again for the advice everyone. I am going to use some of it with future disagreements on this and other topics.

[Sloppy Zhang]

If the goody-goody stuff doesn't work...

 

Tell her to clean up her crap, or find some other place to dump it (as in, kick her out).

 

I don't know what the financial situation is with the apartment and everything, and who's name you're renting it, but there are laws about getting people evicted and how you can give them notice ahead of time, so if it gets to be serious, give her notice, and if she doesn't get her act together, have her evicted.

 

You know. If it comes to that.

[michael245]

I like sloppy zangs response.Personally,if I was you,I would give her the boot now. One relationship I had,my girlfriend broke my x box 360 behind my back by pooring water inside of it.After she admitted to the heinous act that she commited,I broke up with her.It was easy.

Edited November 15, 2011 by michael245

[Protector]

Good example of crazy wisdom.

 

 

Crazy wisdom is best wisdom

 

Just remembered an expression for the future

Marriage is not give and take, it's give and give

[Thunder_Gooch]

I am very glad that worked for you.

 

Please do keep an eye out for negative behaviors and events like this again over the first 2-3 years or so that you live together, see if she is really sincere about pulling her own weight.

 

It has been my observation that once marriage and kids are involved power dynamics in the relationship change dramatically.

 

I have trouble seeing any good in relationships because I have seen first hand how ugly they can get.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everyone, you have left some very good feedback, thank you.

 

I did speak with her about it. And how I felt hurt. She fought back. Got mad. Said fuck you you ungreatful bastard. Which I was surprised about. I pretended I didn't hear it and said "I love you, and am sorry this upsets you. You can clean up your mess and think I am an ungreatful bastard, or you can leave your mess and think I am an ungreatful bastard. Either way I am hurt by your disrespect." She responded, "Well I'm not going to clean it!"

 

When I got home, she cleaned it and gave me a kiss and said sorry. Whoooo it was hard to stay calm. Then I said, "I am sorry too. Now make me dinner." and she gasped and we wrestled then went shopping for dinner, which she cooked. And it was good.

 

Thanks again for the advice everyone. I am going to use some of it with future disagreements on this and other topics.

[.broken.]

Adj, I am very glad you were open and talked about how you felt when you see a mess.

 

If you love someone and you want to make it work, you will have to work for it. By that I don't mean bending over backwards and doing everything your other half wants. I mean that you will need to investigate why you feel the way you do. You are responsible for your own feelings, you are not made to feel them because of someone else's actions. The same is true for the other party. You will both have to work to understand yourselves so you can communicate that understanding to the other.

 

Love is worth struggling for

[Birch]

Everyone, you have left some very good feedback, thank you.

 

I did speak with her about it. And how I felt hurt. She fought back. Got mad. Said fuck you you ungreatful bastard. Which I was surprised about. I pretended I didn't hear it and said "I love you, and am sorry this upsets you. You can clean up your mess and think I am an ungreatful bastard, or you can leave your mess and think I am an ungreatful bastard. Either way I am hurt by your disrespect." She responded, "Well I'm not going to clean it!"

 

When I got home, she cleaned it and gave me a kiss and said sorry. Whoooo it was hard to stay calm. Then I said, "I am sorry too. Now make me dinner." and she gasped and we wrestled then went shopping for dinner, which she cooked. And it was good.

 

Thanks again for the advice everyone. I am going to use some of it with future disagreements on this and other topics.

DHA

 

I would dump her. Once you let the dissing begin, no amount of kissing will make up for it.

[manitou]

god knows, love is worth struggling for. I can't tell you how many horrible things we've had to put up with each other over the past 28 years. Much worse than a messy room - theft of a large sum of money from my mother, skid-row alcoholism (when he went off the wagon). I'm sure he has his share of stories about me too.

 

My feeling is that you have 'attracted' this into your life for some reason. You have manifested it. Even if your conscious self didn't know of her tendency toward messiness, your unconscious did. There is a reason you are put in the position of 'cleaning up after someone else'. If you don't work it out in this relationship, you will have to work it out in another relationship - your need to clean things up for another person. My guess is it's not a coincidence, in my experience this is how things work in life.

 

If you stand back really far out in space and look at your totality, you may find that there was something in your young years that you were unable to 'clean up' - a messy situation (physical or non-physical) perhaps involving one of your folks or siblings that was continually messy in some respect. An out-of-control dynamic in your young life that you wished continually to be able to change but were unable. Maybe parents continually fighting? A continually bad relationship with a brother or sister? A parent who was a 'perfectionist' and who rode you really hard about not being organized enough or 'good' enough?

 

If it is one of these dynamics, this is the very dynamic that you can put to bed through this relationship. It's about control, I'll bet. Maybe you're frustrated because you can't 'control' her behavior; if that's the case, then this is the perfect opportunity for you to lighten up on your need for perfect order (if this is what it is). Maybe the very thing that attracted you to her (maybe spontanaity?) is the other side of the coin of her messiness.

 

Or maybe it's something that's out of her control too. Could be she has an old attention-deficit disorder component that keeps her flying from one thing to the next without putting things away - I can sure relate to that one.

 

In any case, it seems like an opportunity for you to go inside and see why it is so irritating and why it bothers you so. Might be you're being too hard on yourself in some way, and have been for many years....and the dynamic is being played out in front of you for your continual growth.

 

My guess is that if you don't work this dynamic out, you'll keep attracting it. That's the problem with kicking one out and going for another. The dynamic is still there and you will most likely attract the same thing, perhaps in a slightly different form, as you will think you have 'learned' from this experience and not go for another messy one. But there will be messiness in another area, if not papers on the floor.

 

Might be you're right where you're supposed to be

[Birch]

One may very well 'attract' things but one doesn't have to accept them:-) Why do those 'shaman' keep suggesting 'recapitulation'? Why 'karma yoga'? Why 'mindfulness'?

 

I think there's a very 'real' subconscious 'resolution engine' in each of us. Hell, I'd say life itself is one:-) One could argue that our beloved life (we, ourself) is putting all these things in our way out of love because she would like to see us resolve it all, like a kitten would drop something she found and killed for you into your lap. I'd thank the kitten and then go put the dead thing on the compost :-)

[thelerner]

Crazy wisdom is best wisdom

 

Just remembered an expression for the future

Marriage is not give and take, it's give and give

You know.. being in a good marriage for the past 15 years I've had the philosophy of 'giving in' 70% of the time. I realize most things don't matter that much and I married a pretty smart woman who I the utmost respect for. On the other hand I, and she know that if something is important to me. I'll win without argument.

 

Maybe its like the poker player who always folds.. when he's in the pot he's serious and every knows it.

 

Maybe this shouldn't be construed as universal advice, but it works for me. I'll also say I'm the messier and I'm sure she does well over 50% of the work, but I try and I'm thankful.

[gendao]

I did speak with her about it. And how I felt hurt. She fought back. Got mad. Said fuck you you ungreatful bastard. Which I was surprised about. I pretended I didn't hear it and said "I love you, and am sorry this upsets you. You can clean up your mess and think I am an ungreatful bastard, or you can leave your mess and think I am an ungreatful bastard. Either way I am hurt by your disrespect." She responded, "Well I'm not going to clean it!"

 

When I got home, she cleaned it and gave me a kiss and said sorry. Whoooo it was hard to stay calm. Then I said, "I am sorry too. Now make me dinner." and she gasped and we wrestled then went shopping for dinner, which she cooked. And it was good.

So, what is this goddess contributing other than messes for you to clean up, her feral pets for you to care for and calling you profanities?

 

Is she at least paying half the rent & bills?

 

I'm assuming this is at least 50/50, since feminists demand equality, right?

Edited November 15, 2011 by vortex

[Protector]

Give and give is better then give and take because half the time with give and take you will both be expecting to take something that's not there

[markern]

l

Edited September 10, 2013 by markern

[Birch]

I highly recomend this site and the authors book for learning how to deal with such mttters. You will find step by step guides to deal with such situations in the blog archieves.

 

Rule of thumb: She is attracted to men because they are yang so use your yang to deal with most (not all) situations in your relationship.

 

What site? I think I ought to ave a look:-) I try to keep up with this stuff. I have "The Game" on my list of books to read too:-)

 

Mr Vortex, I see you've found an opportunity to backslide into generalisations about men and women. Shame that.

[Patrick Brown]