The path is not easy.

[markern]

l

Edited September 10, 2013 by markern

[JohnC]

Adj, I am very glad you were open and talked about how you felt when you see a mess.

 

If you love someone and you want to make it work, you will have to work for it. By that I don't mean bending over backwards and doing everything your other half wants. I mean that you will need to investigate why you feel the way you do. You are responsible for your own feelings, you are not made to feel them because of someone else's actions. The same is true for the other party. You will both have to work to understand yourselves so you can communicate that understanding to the other.

 

Love is worth struggling for

 

Brilliant post.

[Adj]

Totally creepy!

 

 

If you stand back really far out in space and look at your totality, you may find that there was something in your young years that you were unable to 'clean up' - a messy situation (physical or non-physical) perhaps involving one of your folks or siblings that was continually messy in some respect. An out-of-control dynamic in your young life that you wished continually to be able to change but were unable. Maybe parents continually fighting? A continually bad relationship with a brother or sister? A parent who was a 'perfectionist' and who rode you really hard about not being organized enough or 'good' enough?

 

When I was a kid my parents would fight loud and angry before they divorced and I remember struggling to try and get them to stop fighting but I was unable to change the situation.

 

In addition my mother was a perfectionist who rode me daily about not hanging up the towel, my coat, not putting my shoes away, etc...

 

As a younger adult I went through my own personal struggles with my disorganization, lost friends, got in financial problems, pissed off other girlfriends and struggled with my business until I was FORCED to change habits, which I have done a very good job at. I have special methods of keeping things organized for myself and it took a lot of personal suffering to reach that point.

 

My girlfriend is like the younger version of me. Full of fight, scatter brained. She is young, 22, and still learning to be an adult. She has not developed these skills. I was just like her at 22.

 

So I should just take this as a joke of bad karma coming back at me and trust that she will learn the same lessons that I did and shape up. She is brilliant, so I am sure she will figure it out.

 

But still! Close the damn bathroom drawer after you put on your make up. I walked into it and hit my groin this morning to go pee.

 

Incredible reply you made there. Wow.

 

[markern]

l

Edited September 10, 2013 by markern

[Birch]

[quot' date=16 November 2011 - 01:05 PM' timestamp='1321477510' post='304677]

Hmmm, in the larger perspective yeah, but it can easily take ten years or more before she does learn. So you need to ensure she changes NOW. You absolutely don`t need to make her change so she will be neat and tidy if she lives with others just make sure she feels it necessary enough to be neat and tidy when living with you out of respect for you and out of fear of the consequences of not showing you that respect because then she will (should at least) loose you. If you don`t ensure you get respected in this regard it is a massive demonstration of lack of self respect and lower value on your part and that strongly diminishes her attraction for you as a man. If on the other hand you do stand up for yourself you demonstrate self respect and high value and thus increase her attraction to you even though she will bitch and complain in the begining. If in addition to standing up to yourself you make her change herself to the better you are also increasing her attraction to you because a man that can make a woman change herself for him in any sort of way by itself is attractive.

 

I don`t think telling her you will leave if she does not change is a good idea. Ultimatums are a last resort. Rather demonstrate it by withdrawing attention gradually and let her understand that it is a result of her bad behavior but do not tell that explicitly. Again, read arround at marriedmansexlife.com or buy the book. It has advice for situations like that.

Thank you for the website/book references.

I found your idea of her being taught pretty creepy.. Is that what you meant? I don't think the OP has any role beyond looking after his (or her) own boundaries/respect. IMO creeping over that into " teaching" one's spouse is what I'd call overkill. The girl may or may not learn after the OP stands up for him or herself. And?

Edited September 19, 2013 by Birch

[Everything]

Get so angry that you start laughing

Haha, exactly. Great way to put it.

 

I had a similar issue. You can't really solve these kinda things by thinking about them in the same way over and over again. Work on yourself. Your spirituality. Eventually you will understand that you're getting angry over nothing. You have to be the example if you wish to change others. This will work itself out if you focus on changing yourself. If you have a problem with feeling anger, work on that! Don't try to solve your anger issues trough her.

 

Anger is a dangerous energy. Learn to get along with it. Get to know it. You must be responsible for your anger once you have created it within you. You can also observe and see how you trigger anger. Try to patientl analyze. Writing it down here on the forums is a great way to contemplate it. It is a good start.

[Aaron]

The fact of the matter is that when people ask for help with a problem, they often know the solution, but are unwilling to take responsibility for acting on that solution, so they ask others to make the decision for them to reduce their responsibility. In this case Adj, you know the solution, but it is painful for you to accept it, so you wish others to tell you what to do, when you already know in your heart what to do.

Accept responsibility for the action you need to take and take it. Be compassionate and kind in what you do, but do what you need to do. If this helps to ease your conscience, remember that love between two people is not always easy, nor is it always perfect, but one should not be made to suffer or grovel at the feet of those they love. Each person deserves dignity and when one is meant to serve an another, without having some form of service from that person that they love that is equal to that suffering, then it is unwise to continue that relationship. In the end both parties will suffer. If your girlfriend does not see the need to take the small amount of time it requires to make you happy, then what do you expect to happen when something more dear to you occurs, but inconveniences her? Ask yourself this question and make the decision you need to make.

 

With that I'm done with this topic. I wish you well and hope that things turn out best for both of you.

 

 

Aaron

Edited November 17, 2011 by Twinner

[Jetsun]

Markern, thanks for the website/book references.

I found your idea of her being taught pretty creepy.. Is that what you meant? I don't think the OP has any role beyond looking after his (or her) own boundaries/respect. IMO creeping over that into " teaching" one's spouse is what I'd call overkill. The girl may or may not learn after the OP stands up for him or herself. And?

 

Yeah I agree, your responsibility are your own boundaries and self respect, anything else to do with teaching other people or trying to mould them into your own vision of what you think they should be like is likely to only breed resentment in the long run. I think a lot of the pua and nlp psychology type stuff so popular these days may even be anti Taoist as it's all about contriving reality to suit your needs while Taoism to me is all about giving up human contrivance and allowing things to work themselves out naturally.

[Adj]

Many of you are acting like I am asking for relationship advice. I am asking for advice on applying the Tao to my relationship.

 

All this stuff the males tend to be posting with seduction advice, and pick-up material, encouraging me to dump her, or whatever the case is entirely disconnected with the OP question. There was no mention of a loss of attraction anywhere.

 

I know where my commitments lay. Dumping her is out of the question. We have way too much fun together just "being" to ever break up. Sitting on her and tickling her silly when she is bad is sometimes a good solution. She plays video games and ignores me when I'm bad.(Which is great because then I can play my own games without interruption. But she does not know that. Shhhhh)

 

And I also know this is a forum on Taoism, not PUA, Mystery, Niel strauss, happy dancing single-man playa STD city w/ field report attached. Stay focused boys.

[thelerner]

[/size]Accept responsibility for the action you need to take and take it. Be compassionate and kind in what you do, but do what you need to do. If this helps to ease your conscience, remember that love between two people is not always easy, nor is it always perfect, but one should not be made to suffer or grovel at the feet of those they love.

Aaron

This is great.