Attained, I Flew (My First Poetry Recording With Sound)

[DalTheJigsaw123]

http://www.leonbasin.net/2011/11/attained-i-flew-rough.html

[Informer]

Hi LeonBasin,

 

Did you make the beat too? Honestly I think you worried about making it rhyme more than what it was saying. Definitely a good first try, just imo. Can you post the lyrics here please?

Edited November 23, 2011 by Informer

[DalTheJigsaw123]

[Informer]

I wonder if you could avert the sexual innuendos and "fallow dao like alimony"? Kinda funny but not very deep and sort of insinuates greed and money in a way. Maybe something like fallow the dao and treat you all as my homies, or something.

[DalTheJigsaw123]

Lol! Nah, I am happy with what I wrote. Thank you though! You can take what I wrote and re-write it, perhaps?

[Everything]

You be got me thinkin' mon! Me mind be on verge o' de biiig explozyon, yaw!

 

Reality upon reality

Are we down or under?

 

Words beyond mentality

Hit your minds eye like THUNDER...

 

Right in front of us is the unreality of our beastiality:

Snakes of beauty and wonder...

 

The devil without locality!

Its skin as our bunker!

 

Having lost our morality:

Everyday is a blunder.

 

Look for the Path towards reality:

The self shall be cast asunder.

 

Dot be deescriptyon o' da explozyon, brother! You be taking care naow... Stay away from de voodoo, mon!

Edited November 24, 2011 by Everything

[Harmonious Emptiness]

Hey Leon,

 

I think the words are pretty good. I mean, people get away (and really far) with A LOT worse.

 

My 2 cents would be thus:

 

1) emphasize more words. Listen to preachers -- they hold their audience by constantly hitting the words with emphasis which wrings out their meanings. Ex.:

 

But words are GIFTED, and I SLOW

DOWN to REALIZE my ENERGIES that I atTUNE inside of me

 

 

Also, it sounds like you might be sitting down when your delivering. Stand up and tap your foot or bob your head so the beat emphasis comes out as well.

 

just a suggestion. Do what feels right to you all in all.. I don't say this as any kind of master of spoken word either... I took a creative writing course once where everyone critiqued everyone's work and basically tore the *%(^ out if it, so hopefully this isn't taken like a dis or anything...

 

Cheers. I look forward to the next one!

[ATMA]

You been freestyling long?

 

If you enjoy recording keep practising. You could improve to the point of artist.

Some tthoughts:

-less freestyles more writtens

-spit faster if you can at certain parts spit the filler words faster OR:

-cut out alot of the useless words ex. ' slow down to realize my energies that i intune inside of me' to 'slow down, realize, atune my, energies inside'

-not every line has to rhyme

-rhyme multiple words in one bar 'bad habit dark hunting addicts in rabbit park'

-new beats

-new mic

 

I'll collab with you if you start gettin serious about music.

Some dope rappers:

-ATMA

-Rook da rukus

-sick since

 

Ommmmmmmmmmmmm.

Edited November 24, 2011 by ATMA

[DalTheJigsaw123]

Hey Leon,

 

I think the words are pretty good. I mean, people get away (and really far) with A LOT worse.

 

My 2 cents would be thus:

 

1) emphasize more words. Listen to preachers -- they hold their audience by constantly hitting the words with emphasis which wrings out their meanings. Ex.:

 

But words are GIFTED, and I SLOW

DOWN to REALIZE my ENERGIES that I atTUNE inside of me

 

 

Also, it sounds like you might be sitting down when your delivering. Stand up and tap your foot or bob your head so the beat emphasis comes out as well.

 

just a suggestion. Do what feels right to you all in all.. I don't say this as any kind of master of spoken word either... I took a creative writing course once where everyone critiqued everyone's work and basically tore the *%(^ out if it, so hopefully this isn't taken like a dis or anything...

 

Cheers. I look forward to the next one!

 

That was beautiful! Thank you so much! I was definitely sitting down!

[DalTheJigsaw123]

You been freestyling long?

 

If you enjoy recording keep practising. You could improve to the point of artist.

Some tthoughts:

-less freestyles more writtens

-spit faster if you can at certain parts spit the filler words faster OR:

-cut out alot of the useless words ex. ' slow down to realize my energies that i intune inside of me' to 'slow down, realize, atune my, energies inside'

-not every line has to rhyme

-rhyme multiple words in one bar 'bad habit dark hunting addicts in rabbit park'

-new beats

-new mic

 

I'll collab with you if you start gettin serious about music.

Some dope rappers:

-ATMA

-Rook da rukus

-sick since

 

Ommmmmmmmmmmmm.

 

 

Thank you!

I usually do Spoken Word without a beat, but I think it's like therapy when I do it to the music. Helps me heal or something. I would definitely love to Collab with you! I will continue practicing! Thank you!

I know Sick Sense, used to talk to him a lot back in the day. I also like Canibus, Immortal Technique, Aesop Rock, Eyedea. You have Facebook so that we can chat? Thanks everyone!

[Sahaj Nath]

I know Sick Sense, used to talk to him a lot back in the day. I also like Canibus, Immortal Technique, Aesop Rock, Eyedea. You have Facebook so that we can chat? Thanks everyone!

 

bingo!

 

if these are your influences, why do you insist on calling it poetry or spoken word? it's okay to call it what it is: RAP. and it's pretty good rap, at that.

 

but real spoken word is different, and it's judged differently. rappers are SUPPOSED to be innovative and variant with how they play with rhyme schemes, for instance. but that same skill is not going to impress appreciators or poetry like it does rap enthusiasts.

 

i'm a big fan of BOTH. i started rappin' back in '88 when i was 13. i was IN LOVE with rhyme schemes and played with every cadence that moved me. then after a few years i developed my own unique 'voice' of expression, but i never stopped evolving.

 

BOTH are very healing. very cathartic. for instance, as a teenager who was gang-affiliated, rap allowed me to discharge aggression which ultimately diminished my tendency towards actual violence in the street. at one point even my homeboys wanted to keep me from getting into too much trouble because they thought that i could make it in music, and they wanted me to tell their stories one day. that's why the 90's saw the creation of albums like Crips & Bloods: Bangin' on Wax. that album went a long way toward de-escalating the violence in those neighborhoods at that time. of course, it ALSO had the side-effect of influencing youngsters from BETTER areas to WANT to be crips & bloods because they thought it seemed cool, but that's much broader cultural issue that i DON'T think is the fault of the rappers who needed the outlet. but whatevs. moving on...

 

 

here's a piece of spoken word i did a couple of years back. notice how it CANNOT be mistaken for rap lyrics:

 

http://bohemiankitsch.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/a-sketch.mp3

 

 

and here's another piece, without the drumming, a little more contemplative:

 

http://bohemiankitsch.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/bathing-in-the-essence21.mp3

 

 

these are old and i know my voice sounds really young, but it's the voice that i've got, so...

 

neither piece rhymes in a conventional way, but BOTH are lyrically musical.

 

 

hope you enjoy.

 

 

PM me if you ever want to talk poetry. just reading this thread has given me some inspiration.

Edited December 2, 2011 by Hundun