A Troubled Mind

[Tatsumaru]

This is really hard to share as it is my most painful subject.

Since I remember myself I've always felt the world in a more profound way. As if there was so much more than the everyday job and supporting for your family. I would lie in my bed and think about the purpose of one's life, what could be achieved and what great powers stay hidden for all but for the best of our kind and I would dream to be one of them. I come from a pair of divorced parents or so I was told. I might have been adopted for all I know. My mother is a very down to earth person and my father was a complicated guy but in the end he was also struggling to reach a state of inner peace and feel free of social boundaries.

 

Let's just say that through the years I've been a pretty distant man. I've had low confidence since forever for no reason, even though I had so much people interested in me I would still feel afraid of them and shame I guess. I always thought I was smarter than everyone around me and yet I never achieved anything of rare value. I wasn't motivated to study nor did I care for the best diploma. Sometimes I would learn with ease when I forced myself but it killed my soul to put effort in anything. When I was younger I didn't know what I wanted so I would think it's ok to do chores - after all everybody did them, it's the way society works but I just couldn't force myself.

 

After that came the part where I was constantly fighting with my spirit and my mind trying to settle for a single goal and achieve it. A miserable failure here too. Still every once in a while I would get a tiny enlightenment about who I am and what I want to do but over the course of months or years. The sad part though is that I couldn't put effort to fight for the things I wanted either. In fact I started going to Chinese lessons two months ago, and I loved the idea of knowing Chinese and going to China but then after a few lessons I again was forced to sit and learn and to get up on a saturday morning and attend the lectures for five hours, so I stopped going. I'm a quitter that's right. I quit my university degree, I quit going to the gym etc. etc.

 

To this day I work in an office doing things that I have no interest for thus slowly fading to a shadow of unfulfillment and sorrow. One would say that I'm depressed - It is true I was depressed over the years especially in my teenage years but now I don't even feel that emotion anymore. It's like some self-preservation instinct to mute such emotions I guess.

 

I believe nature blessed me with a soul that is able to evolve to levels unheard of but at the same time cursed me with the lack of constant motivation and persistance. I would meditate for a few days and be like "Nothing happens, It's just a waste of time" but deep in myself I would say "Who am I kidding, I'm just not strong enough". And I would watch some epic stories, movies, animes if you want and get overly motivated by these powerful characters and sit and meditate, starve myself for a few days or whatever and then it would go away again. Can't keep this energy of persistance that brings a person closer to his goal. I've failed in absolutely anything that I've tried for this very reason. And I've tried over and over again but there is some conflict inside me that I can't seem to resolve and frankly I don't want to fight for nothing anymore. I can't seem to fight either. I wouldn't settle for less than what I want but at the same time I couldn't find what it takes to be the best within me. I don't know what is the problem but I know that if I can't win this battle then I'll go away from this life as a failure and an embarassment mostly to myself.

 

If you took the time to read all this I'm grateful. I doubt that you will be able to help but then I respect you guys for not being a part of the flock so maybe I'll find the long-desired key to my balance here. Oh, and please excuse my pathetic English. I never had the nerve to finish learning the grammars.

Edited November 26, 2011 by Tatsumaru

[Ish]

Perhaps let go of the idea that you are super special, it's not helpful to put pressure on yourself to achieve "levels unheard of".

In my opinion the only people that achieve "levels" you couldn't imagine are those who put in time and effort to practice seriously.

 

Defining what you REALLY want from your practice will enable you to train consistently rather than give up after a day or two. Be honest with yourself.

[Tatsumaru]

But you are just suggesting to settle for less than I want. I have to say I pretty much accepted that I'm nothing special since a special person has achieved something - I haven't.

 

It's just the way I'm hardwired. For example meditating just for good health seems too mediocre for me, but meditating for immortality seems like a glorius enough task. Ironic isn't it since my life has been absolutely mediocre.

 

There is no such thing as "my practice". I just quit everything I start that requires effort.

 

At one point in my life I told my father about how good I feel when I watch successful people achieving their goals. Makes me feel as if I was capable too. And he just told me "son, you are masturbating with your life". He was so damn right, I couldn't feel it myself so I would watch other people in order to get this high of happiness.

Edited November 26, 2011 by Tatsumaru

[Ish]

The whole point of saying that is because you at this moment you AREN'T achieving what you want.

So make your goals something achievable. Raise the bar once you get there.

[Tatsumaru]

That is true what you are saying and wise, I would have to set the bar really really low in order to do something though like "Meditate for 15 seconds every day".

 

I have to say though it's the repetitiveness of a certain task that brings me down the most rather than the hardship of a single excercise. For example when I started SFQ, I was able to do get up early in the morning and do two 30 min sessions a day. Then I just quit doing it as if it was a chore.

 

Is it possible that I have ADD/ADHD or some other mental problem ?

Edited November 26, 2011 by Tatsumaru

[Ish]

Possibly because you aren't getting the benefits of the practice quickly, you give up easily. Which is understandable.

 

The ideal option is to train under a competent instructor or master, so long as you are open and follow their teaching you can have inspiring experiences immediately. So you know you are practicing correctly and you are getting some enjoyable results, it won't be hard to keep up a routine.

It's obviously possible for you as in the past you have already committed to a practice for some period of time, just a case of getting inspired and keeping the momentum.

 

There are plenty of reviews and practioners/teachers of great systems here on the forum so go for it.

[Tatsumaru]

I will try to find a master. Thank you for your support.

[thelerner]

I will try to find a master. Thank you for your support.

Maybe start lower. Just a teacher, yoga, tai chi, aikido, tea ceremony.. something with a bit of spirituality and growth. Don't spend months looking for a master, researching tibet, china, india etc. Look around your city and get involved in something growth oriented so you can get a few notches on your belt. Preferably something you have to go to several times a week.

 

Nothing grand, keep it simple, build up and sustain a practice.

[ATMA]

Don't think of the past as a waste because you didn't achieve.

What happened was a requirement for your current state.

This negativity is lifting you up.

The soaring point will return on you soon, I think.

Maybe you may not be able to handle it and die tragically like wax wings in the sun.

Viewing your negatives as negatives is easy.... viewing them as positives is the way.

Think of it this way if you weren't insecure/low self esteem you would be out there breeding like everybody else.

You got reincarnated with these 'negatives' so that you CAN attain your goal.

Patience is a hard thing to learn as you must not confuse it with hope/faith.

In the end you have to give up your goals for them to return.

You have to go with it.

Don't impede the flow but don't kill yourself.

Stop using drugs.

Push yourself.

If something makes you uncomfortable that means DO IT.

View your old ways as an enemy. Think what you would normally do and do the opposite.

In this way you will seperate the egos grip on your tendons.

Take hold. Let go.

Don't try but don't 'don't try'.

Imagine the person you want to be. Keep this image in your mind at every moment.

See what they would do, then start to do it. Eventually you will become this image.

Dusts in the breeze.

 

Ommmmmmm.

[Protector]

I know exactly how that feels, and I hate when people start their reply with this sentence

 

Don't settle for less

Raise the stakes but don't gamble

Make it so you can't loose

With enough pressure you can make it through anything and nothing would stop you

That's what Yoda was talking

But as far as simple words can take you, you still need fuel to travel and a direction to shoot

Do what you hate, do the most painful things ever, you will just scream for a way out and that will be it, maybe you will do something you always wanted to do as a kid, something that doesn't make sense but you still WANNA

For now, go meditate on this in a wide horse stance, don't get out of it no matter how painful it is until you figure this out

[Tatsumaru]

I understand. Off I go to infinity and beyond !

[konchog uma]

Tatsumaru,

 

Mood and food are very closely related. Could your diet benefit from more fresh fruits and vegetables? Less refined sugars? Most people's could. Perhaps you are eating in a way that isn't nurturing beneficial feelings.

 

The benefits of meditation are not realized in a couple days, and one only attains seemingly unheard of abilities after years of dedicated practice under a master. The benefits of meditation can be realized in a couple months, sometimes subtly in a couple weeks. But abandon your desire for immediate gratification when it comes to meditation. It is like filling a cup with sand one grain per day, just do it every day and in time the cup will be full. Don't expect to attain to unheard of levels or see "something happening", just sit. Something will happen, but you won't see it because it will happen so slowly. Then you will look back at where you were 6 months ago and you will realize "oh wow i am a lot more calm and centered with better feelings!"

 

Energy stagnation also contributes to many peoples feelings. Do you stretch regularly? Perhaps you would benefit from incorporating daily yoga practice into your regimen. I agree wholeheartedly with thelerner, that you should not worry about finding a master until you have built a foundation with a teacher and you feel like you are ready to move on. Whatever they offer in your area, start to study it. Yoga, meditation, taiji, martial arts, etc. Its all going to help you overcome the emotional stagnation you are describing.

 

I am not a health professional or meditation teacher, but i play one on the internet! hahaahha

[Aetherous]

It's important to earn a living...so find the best way to cope with your job. Reduce your stress. Find things to do in your free time to shake it up and enjoy life! This is your priority, since you need to earn money to survive.

 

But other than that, I'd say you're doing fine.

 

Taoism is about being effortless..."wu wei". Doing what's natural and spontaneous. If you don't feel like practicing, then there is a reason. You probably shouldn't! Our feelings are very important in letting us know what's beneficial and what isn't. If you read Eva Wong's Tao of Health Longevity and Immortality, one of the things they (the immortals) say is that people end up doing more harm than good with practices by forcing it.

 

So like I said, you're doing fine. Each moment is different; trust your feelings. Let go of your self doubt, and don't listen to those who perpetuate that in you.

 

I see that you have the goal of immortality, rather than simply improving your health. Good. That is quite the elusive goal, but I think it's possible. There are quite a few books that you could get for the scholarly aspect of your path, including the Eva Wong one...but for the practical aspect (the part that actually matters), I can recommend Kunlun and its teacher Max.

[Aaron]

This is really hard to share as it is my most painful subject.

Since I remember myself I've always felt the world in a more profound way. As if there was so much more than the everyday job and supporting for your family. I would lie in my bed and think about the purpose of one's life, what could be achieved and what great powers stay hidden for all but for the best of our kind and I would dream to be one of them. I come from a pair of divorced parents or so I was told. I might have been adopted for all I know. My mother is a very down to earth person and my father was a complicated guy but in the end he was also struggling to reach a state of inner peace and feel free of social boundaries.

 

Let's just say that through the years I've been a pretty distant man. I've had low confidence since forever for no reason, even though I had so much people interested in me I would still feel afraid of them and shame I guess. I always thought I was smarter than everyone around me and yet I never achieved anything of rare value. I wasn't motivated to study nor did I care for the best diploma. Sometimes I would learn with ease when I forced myself but it killed my soul to put effort in anything. When I was younger I didn't know what I wanted so I would think it's ok to do chores - after all everybody did them, it's the way society works but I just couldn't force myself.

 

After that came the part where I was constantly fighting with my spirit and my mind trying to settle for a single goal and achieve it. A miserable failure here too. Still every once in a while I would get a tiny enlightenment about who I am and what I want to do but over the course of months or years. The sad part though is that I couldn't put effort to fight for the things I wanted either. In fact I started going to Chinese lessons two months ago, and I loved the idea of knowing Chinese and going to China but then after a few lessons I again was forced to sit and learn and to get up on a saturday morning and attend the lectures for five hours, so I stopped going. I'm a quitter that's right. I quit my university degree, I quit going to the gym etc. etc.

 

To this day I work in an office doing things that I have no interest for thus slowly fading to a shadow of unfulfillment and sorrow. One would say that I'm depressed - It is true I was depressed over the years especially in my teenage years but now I don't even feel that emotion anymore. It's like some self-preservation instinct to mute such emotions I guess.

 

I believe nature blessed me with a soul that is able to evolve to levels unheard of but at the same time cursed me with the lack of constant motivation and persistance. I would meditate for a few days and be like "Nothing happens, It's just a waste of time" but deep in myself I would say "Who am I kidding, I'm just not strong enough". And I would watch some epic stories, movies, animes if you want and get overly motivated by these powerful characters and sit and meditate, starve myself for a few days or whatever and then it would go away again. Can't keep this energy of persistance that brings a person closer to his goal. I've failed in absolutely anything that I've tried for this very reason. And I've tried over and over again but there is some conflict inside me that I can't seem to resolve and frankly I don't want to fight for nothing anymore. I can't seem to fight either. I wouldn't settle for less than what I want but at the same time I couldn't find what it takes to be the best within me. I don't know what is the problem but I know that if I can't win this battle then I'll go away from this life as a failure and an embarassment mostly to myself.

 

If you took the time to read all this I'm grateful. I doubt that you will be able to help but then I respect you guys for not being a part of the flock so maybe I'll find the long-desired key to my balance here. Oh, and please excuse my pathetic English. I never had the nerve to finish learning the grammars.

 

Hello Tatsumaru,

 

Don't feel so down. Not everyone has a lot of ambition. Ambition in fact is overrated. I'm assuming you're from Japan and that you feel somehow that you've let your family down because you don't value the same things they do. Honestly, from a cultural point of view, you may have disappointed them, but you have to remember that it's not what your family wants that's ultimately important, but what you want. I would suggest you seriously do some soul searching to find something that you really want to do and can do and do it. You don't have to have a family or make a lot of money, all you have to do is get dressed, eat, and keep yourself clean each day. If you can do that, then you have done everything you NEEDED to do. Anything else is sheer gravy (an American saying that means it's just extra stuff.)

 

Now if you're interested in honoring your family and being a dutiful son, then the best way to go about it is, like I said before, finding something you like to do where you can earn a living. I guarantee you a few things, your parents will not care so much if you're rich, if they know you have something to fall back on to support yourself.

 

Get your priorities straight. Watch "Nabari No Ou" and then get back to me on how you feel. If you finish feeling more like Miharu Rokujo than Yoite, then perhaps things aren't as bleak as they seem. I wish you well. Your English is very good, as you probably know already. I think you understand your capabilities much more than you let on. If you're looking for support, then you can see by the people that have responded that you've gotten it, but keep in mind, none of us know you, so perhaps what you need to do is talk to your mother or father, or someone you trust and let them know how you feel.

 

Aaron

Edited November 27, 2011 by Twinner

[crispy91]

Hey OP Thanks a lot for sharing your story. I don't know how much concrete advice I have to offer at this time, but I wanted to let you know that I relate a lot to your story and your journey to overcome and move past this "scenario".

 

I have been told throughout my life that I am talented, and I have to admit that I have been blessed with some talents, in the areas of athletics, academics, etc. But throughout my life and especially as I moved into my teenage years, for some reason I lost a good deal of confidence around my peers and other people. I think it was some time after I got fired from my first job in highschool, my parents got divorced and a bunch of other stuff happened. I really just retreated "into" myself so to speak and became very introspective. This period in my life had many positives - I was having incredible epiphanies and insights into my life and my self, but at the same time I really distanced myself from all but a very few of my closest friends. And for the past few years my feelings of distance from people and feeling like the "odd-man out" has only increased.

 

I have the same problem with trying to get things done and accomplished. I know I have talents in areas such as music, writing, poetry, art, etc, but I too have the problem of not finishing what I start, not following through with things that benefit me. Whether that be a yoga program, a meditation practice, a workout routine, a music/art project - I almost always lose focus and fall off after a certain time. I spend a lot of time, just like you do, searching out inspiring people and inspiring stories of other people that make me feel good, but I fail to translate that "heros journey" into my own life.

 

But as ATMA wisely pointed out, the best thing to do is look at this "negative" time as a positive. You can think of it in the yin-yang perspective - this is the shady side of the hill - if optimized, with just a little work, we can climb out of this valley and feel the warmth and joy of the sunny side again. But to me, I started finding light as I started finding direction - finding my path out of the shady valley and up to the sunny peak, so to say.

 

Personally, because of the massive amounts of time I have spent by myself introspecting, exploring, and talking deeply with close friends, I have come to learn a lot about how I feel about the world, life, where it is going and what role I would like to play in it. Specifically I learned that I feel very passionately about connecting with nature - I was always in nature as a child and I far preferred the peace, serenity, and imagination evoked in nature to the more modern, "socially-hip" way of life that was the dominant pop-culture when I was going through school. I also came to love fresh fruits and vegetables, and how I felt eating a fresh vegan diet, but I found that I can't afford the high price of living such a raw vegan diet buying from the grocery store. I also realized about myself that people around me tell me that they benefit from my deep thoughts, insights and artistic expressions. I also learned that I have a passion for helping heal my friends - energy healing, massage, etc.

 

SO a combination of these things led me to formulate a path in my mind - first, learn to organically farm and start a sustainable way of life by volunteering on organic farms and travelling via the organization called WWOOF (World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms - a great organization), take a yoga teacher's training course (force myself to discipline myself, as well as learn to practice yoga properly and perfectly), and then eventually have a nice little place in a mountainous region where I can grow my food and make a decent living teaching yoga.

 

This clarity has completely transformed how I feel about my daily life. I think the biggest thing is finding what you really love, something that you can really imagine yourself doing with your days, and then just committing to that and going for it. I haven't left for WWOOFing yet but I am leaving in the beginning of next year and I am as excited as ever to get started on my adventure. I've come to see these past few years of [so-called] under-achieving and self-distancing as somewhat of a neccessary trial I must go through in order to help myself grow and evolve to where I really need to be in my life. Had I not gone through this period my direction in life would be completely different and I probably would not be headed in the direction of persuing what it is that I know would truly make me happy. I think the most important thing here in turning around is how you choose to look at this "yin", "shade" part of your life. If you look at it as something that has power over you and something that you will always be controlling you, I think that will keep you in the cycle. I think the important thing is to look at the positives (the yang) that is embedded within the yin, and focus on how you can transform this "shade" period in your life into all the joyfulness and happiness and sunshine that you can imagine for yourself in life - with just a little focus, discipline and work. And when it is work towards what you really want, I find that the work the becomes much easier.

 

 

SO I don't know if I have offered any real advice here, I just wanted to let you know that I relate a lot to your predicament and I wanted to share my story in hopes that maybe it can help you out in some way or another. Through my journey I've found that really finding what "direction" I want to take in my life, what "mountain" I really want to climb has made a tremendous difference in my outlook, and that viewing my less-joyous experiences not as negatives but as positives also has tremendous power to motivate and see things with a more inspired and proactive attitude.

 

Best of luck my friend Stay positive! You'll do just fine.

Edited November 27, 2011 by crispy91

[Phosphor]

Most everyone is imbalanced in some way or another. Your vice just happens to be lack of endurance, and inability to stick to something you have started, as well as productivity. You aren't the only one, in fact, if this is your worst vice then you are well on your way. The four elements make up the universe, and they affect our bodies- mental, emotional and physical. The fire element is the energy which on the highest level is the Will of the Divine. On the mental level, it is the cause of the positive attribute of motivation and passion. When this energy is impaired you do not feel this, and will feel depressed or simply lacking in steam in other words. This is because the fire element in the body is the combustion, and you can view the water element at the fuel. The earth element is what keeps the mind and emotions stable, and allows you to keep your character stable instead of fleeting to and fro to different things. ADD is just an earth imbalance in the mental body. When the earth element is balanced, then its fruit is endurance, consistency, reliability, etc. No need to take it personal. All vices, character flaws, woes and strife is caused by an imbalance in these energies.

 

To balance them out, try sitting down and writing down these vices and virtues that you have, and just try to be aware of them in life and willfully change the way you act. It will be hard at first, but stay consistent and you will succeed. this exercise is helped tremendously along with the practice of thought observation. Sit down, whenever you can, and watch your thoughts. Stay detached. Learn about your mind, and the illusory nature of your thoughts. Stay in the present moment. Become an observer. This does not mean become a robot- it means becoming more in control and not letting yourself be caught up in the mind and emotions. Do not underestimate these practices.

 

If you do this then you can conquer these negative traits that you aren't fond of. You are already doing good- you are aware of them, and know they shouldn't be there. This awareness and feeling of knowing you are better than these negative traits is because of good karma and past life practice. You just need to burn off the impurities you have accumulated in this life and balance yourself out.

[Phosphor]

Most everyone is imbalanced in some way or another. Your vice just happens to be lack of endurance, and inability to stick to something you have started, as well as productivity. You aren't the only one, in fact, if this is your worst vice then you are well on your way. The four elements make up the universe, and they affect our bodies- mental, emotional and physical. The fire element is the energy which on the highest level is the Will of the Divine. On the mental level, it is the cause of the positive attribute of motivation and passion. When this energy is impaired you do not feel this, and will feel depressed or simply lacking in steam in other words. This is because the fire element in the body is the combustion, and you can view the water element as the fuel. The earth element is what keeps the mind and emotions stable, and allows you to keep your character stable instead of fleeting to and fro to different things. ADD is just an earth imbalance in the mental body. When the earth element is balanced, then its fruit is endurance, consistency, reliability, etc. No need to take it personal. All vices, character flaws, woes and strife is caused by an imbalance in these energies.

 

To balance them out, try sitting down and writing down these vices and virtues that you have, and just try to be aware of them in life and willfully change the way you act. It will be hard at first, but stay consistent and you will succeed. this exercise is helped tremendously along with the practice of thought observation. Sit down, whenever you can, and watch your thoughts. Stay detached. Learn about your mind, and the illusory nature of your thoughts. Stay in the present moment. Become an observer. This does not mean become a robot- it means becoming more in control and not letting yourself be caught up in the mind and emotions. Do not underestimate these practices.

 

If you do this then you can conquer these negative traits that you aren't fond of. You are already doing good- you are aware of them, and know they shouldn't be there. This awareness and feeling of knowing you are better than these negative traits is because of good karma and past life practice. You just need to burn off the impurities you have accumulated in this life and balance yourself out.

Edited November 27, 2011 by Phosphor

[Tatsumaru]

@anamatva

I'm a vegetarian. Used to be a vegan as well but then I realized I had to give all my money for cocoa butter and other fancy stuff. I used to train taijiquan at a local dojo but then I just quit. I realize what you say and I will try to be more patient. For some reason I have this ongoing concept in my head that life is too short to be patient so I need to progress very quickly but I guess you need to be patient in order to progress quickly.

 

@Scotty

Thank you for your advice. I will read Eva Wong's book and give a shot at Max' Kunlun Nei Gung

 

@Twinner

No I'm not Japanese even though I feel as if I was drown by that ancient region. I've wanted to travel Japanese and Chinese cities and mountains but as you already know I didn't have the patience to learn Japanese and Chinese. I will definitely watch Nabari No Ou, in fact I'm downloading it as we speak. As far as my parents go, I once told my mother that I want to go to Tibet and she cried like "You're an adult now, do what you have to do". She was so devastated by the idea of me not wanting to be a lawyer or an architect. My mother just doesn't get it and I don't care about what her husband thinks. My father used to understand me but he passed away. I have to say though I was never burdened by my parents divorce, I don't even believe in long relationships and marriages. When two people cannot live together anymore they should seperate.

 

@crispy91

Your story is truly related to mine I guess. In fact my talents are in music and other arts as well. I used to play the piano when I was little and to go to contests and win them etc but I remember it required tremendous effort from my father to discipline me every day over and over again so I could sit in front of the piano for 8 hours straight and play. I wasn't an easy kid.

 

I too want to go to the mountains and eat from my own organic food and yet there is this other part in me that can't let go of the material rewards in life. How is it possible to want to be an immortal Taoist and at the same time wanting to have millions of dollars and drive a Lamborghini ? I feel like a schizo sometimes. But we all know that all material desires that I have are triggered by my sense of wanting to prove smarter. I have this dream that I go to a class reunion in one or two years and I'm all worked out - great body, sports car everything and their looks when they see me "Gee, he really figured it out". It's pathetic I know but I have to be honest with myself if I am to move on.

 

@Phosphor

I understand. I will do these exercises. You are right that I usually underestimate other people for my arrogant nature but the failures in my life have brought me to a more humble approach to life and now I tend to accept what wiser people have to tell me.

Edited November 27, 2011 by Tatsumaru

[therion]

For motivation to arise you have to be deluded.

 

Kind of hard to fool yourself when you know better.

 

Your mind tries to trick you with all these stories.

 

Intellect is a curse really.

 

That voice inside is not your ally.

 

Better to listen to dao and rest in the unconditioned.

[Aetherous]

Yeah!

[effilang]

This is really hard to share as it is my most painful subject.

Since I remember myself I've always felt the world in a more profound way. As if there was so much more than the everyday job and supporting for your family. I would lie in my bed and think about the purpose of one's life, what could be achieved and what great powers stay hidden for all but for the best of our kind and I would dream to be one of them. I come from a pair of divorced parents or so I was told. I might have been adopted for all I know. My mother is a very down to earth person and my father was a complicated guy but in the end he was also struggling to reach a state of inner peace and feel free of social boundaries....

 

You are not depressed my friend. You are blessed.

Blessed, that you can see beyond what simple people accept to be the pinnacle of life.

[Ish]

I believe this dichotomy between our parent's values and our values (speaking for the 20 somethings here) is a cause for a lot of problems.

 

For example once you start on the spiritual path, external things and the social norms start to lose their grip. So our parents planned path start to get further and further away, but they just can't understand why you are the way you are, and we don't understand how they can just chase materialism thinking - "Is that really it? Money, objects, ego, is that all there is to life?"

I suppose this can cause alienation between our peers also.

Edited November 27, 2011 by Ish

[Birch]

"Most everyone is imbalanced in some way or another"

 

badaabing badaaboom!

 

Right, this acknowledged, the 'good news' is that given the discomfort, you're in an awesome position to change stuff. And I don't mean re-arranging the furniture on the titanic like many 'religions' suggest.

 

Welcome to TTB's! Many good, helpful people here :-)

 

Also some weirdos (I had to mention it:-))

[ngs24]

Tatsumaru, thanks for sharing your story. That's really brave of you. I say that because the mindstate that you describe was pretty much me about 10 years ago and I back then I would have never had the courage to share my story with others except for a couple people that were incredibly close.

 

In my early twenties there were days that I could barely make it out of bed I was so depressed. It was a deep depression on all levels - mental/emotional/spiritual. I had no confidence and on top of that I didn't even care to gain any because I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that life was meaningless anyway. When I was at that low point I realized that couldn't live like that anymore and I had 2 options. One of which was to get better and that was the option that I consciously chose. Every day since that day has been a little bit better for me. I began to analyze and confront my horrible childhood which included the terrible marriage of my parents and also physical abuse from my father. It took years and numerous conversations with my parents, which basically involoved me yelling at them, for me to begin to resolve that.

 

I was also only sleeping about 3 hours a night because of anxiety - my childhood coupled years of self medicating had taken the toll on my nerves. I began to work out and do chi-gung meditation. Slowly but surely my sleep began to improve and my mind began to clear. I'm not going to lie to you, it took years to get back to sleeping 7-8 hours a night which is where I'm at now, but I did it without the use of any pills. The meditation that I did was based on BK Frantzis books (which you can find anywhere) and the working out was good old fashioned running. It's amazing that accomplishing something on the purely physical level will give you mental confidence as well but it definitely does.

 

I think the most important thing, however, is re-training your thought patterns. That's something that I'm still doing to this day. Whenever you have a negative thought, follow it on a conscious level for a while and see where it originates. They all have a root, once you find that root you can yank it out on a mental level. It sometimes can take a long time but I believe that everything happens for a reason and that the circumstances that we're born into were there for us to learn something. Sometimes I still get angry and bitter about my predicament but I'm able to let those feelings go rather quickly. Hopefully one day they won't be there at all.

 

I hope this was of some help to you. I don't yet consider myself 'happy' but I am no longer 'depressed' which to me feels pretty good. I was where you were at and through persistent effort I was able to improve and so can you as long as you believe. Don't give up, there's light at the end of the tunnel.

[Jetsun]

I have been told that if you are doing what you should be doing then it is easy and effortless to a certain degree, and we are all heavily brainwashed and conditioned to be other than who we are especially if you have strong family forces, so maybe you have no motivation for all this stuff because it's not what you should be doing. This is what I've been told anyway I am yet to find my passion and what I should be doing myself.

Edited November 28, 2011 by Jetsun