Sign in to follow this  
CLPM

I think loneliness is going to destroy me...

Recommended Posts

Well...I guess this post was going to come up eventually. Here it goes...

 

When I was 11 I left school. I had physical illnesses that lead to mental illnesses (this is quite common in fatigue related illness). The school kept forcing me (via the police) to go into school even when I was really sick. My school was full of gangs and violence. This obviously gave me 'school phobia'. I was 11 remember.

 

To add to this there was a poor family situation and it boiled over and exploded. I was too anxious to ever go back to school again...

 

When I was 16 I tried entering college (British education system)...which failed when there weren't enough teachers for my course.

 

The above might all seem quite simplistic. But it's really not. What my lack of education has meant is that I've been completely isolated from society and people my whole life, with severe mental consequences. It's gotten to the point (i'm 19 now) where loneliness is literally going to swallow me. I work for my dad too, since nobody would hire an uneducated kid. I'm trapped. Out of society. Feel completely out of touch. I want to connect and feel accepted by people, but there's no way to get 'out there'.

 

I live in London too. Anybody who's lived here knows it's the most antisocial place on Earth. It's not very easy to meet people.

 

Eh, complaint over. Just dunno what to do.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It seems almost trite to even respond since my situation is so different. I feel like I should wait until people who live on your side of the pond can answer. I was drinking myself to intoxication probably 3 - 4 days a week when I was 19, but I was in the military and had plenty of people to join me.

 

If you can increase your social connection by just one soul you'll make progress. You mentioned that you like to write. Are there writers groups in London that you can join?

 

I don't know if that's worth anything. Just don't turn into a raging drunk like I did.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm probably not the best person to give advice here as I am quite isolated myself at the moment but I do understand how lonely London can be but on the up side there are a huge amount of groups and societies you could possibly join in London which you don't get in many other cities in the UK, depending on what your interests are I know there are a number of Buddhist groups and other esoteric societies and there are probably a fair few decent teachers of the Taoist arts somewhere if you look in the right place and I know there are loads of martial arts teachers. Although I don't follow my own advice regarding this so I know it's easier said than done.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A response helps.

 

I'm genuinely not the type of person to complain, but every so often the isolation takes control and I don't think normally.

 

I hate making excuses for myself, but I don't think the fact that it's very hard to connect in this city helps me at all. I'll keep fighting for what I want, but extreme loneliness is a very destructive force.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm probably not the best person to give advice here as I am quite isolated myself at the moment but I do understand how lonely London can be but on the up side there are a huge amount of groups and societies you could possibly join in London which you don't get in many other cities in the UK, depending on what your interests are I know there are a number of Buddhist groups and other esoteric societies and there are probably a fair few decent teachers of the Taoist arts somewhere if you look in the right place and I know there are loads of martial arts teachers. Although I don't follow my own advice regarding this so I know it's easier said than done.

 

Thank you for the advice.

 

I can relate to things being easy said than done. Anxiety can be stronger than any rational emotion. It's hard to stretch out. But your advice is good nonetheless :).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I want to connect and feel accepted by people, but there's no way to get 'out there'.

 

I live in London too. Anybody who's lived here knows it's the most antisocial place on Earth. It's not very easy to meet people.

 

Eh, complaint over. Just dunno what to do.

This is hardly a complaint ~ far from it.

 

You ought to give yourself a pat on the back for having the courage to face certain existential truths about where you're at at this stage in your life. Not many teenagers are even remotely interested in doing such investigations, let alone make the kind of admission which you have done here.

 

Having lived in London for a few years, i know where you're coming from, but because its London, it means there's immense potential for you to find groups which do the things that you are keen in. Since you have not specified what your interests are, there's no means to recommend you specific centres where you can hook up to share your time in, but i know for a fact there are numerous Buddhist sanghas dotted in and around the city which would have no hesitation to welcome you into their daily practice and activities, which are opportune moments for you to open up, reach out, and make some solid friendships. Of course, Buddhism may not be your thing, but then again, if i was the head of one of these sanghas, i would have no problem welcoming you in even if you have no interest in the Buddhist path. A true sangha never discriminates.

 

The only thing preventing you from delimiting your infinite potential is your own attitude and habitual responses. Its not very hard to investigate deeper to see where you can instigate change, and then do the necessary, step by step, to make the change a reality. From your post, i'd say you have already laid a pretty sound foundation, so well done!

 

And lastly, dont do drugs, and dont drink, as admirably encouraged by Bums here who have been there, and returned battered and bruised to tell the tale so that others may know how to make informed choices better, so kudos to these guys.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My interests include Cinema and Writing. This is pretty much what I live for. And on the subject of alcohol and drugs, the reason I stayed (try) and stay away from that stuff is because I feel they diminish my ability to do the things I love. WRiting a script when intoxicated is impossible.

 

The problem here is quite simple:

 

1) The British Film Council was shut down last year, which has been a massive massive blow to the UK's film industry in terms of jobs.

2) Nobody will make a script from an uneducated 19 year old.

 

My plan is quite simple, work (at home for my Dad unfortunately) until I have the funds to showcase my talent on short films. But until then, I need to develop a social life before going completely insane.

 

It is very difficult though, because, for example, it's been a few months for me to leave the house. Leaving the house and talking to people can stir anxiety up beyond my control. I hate that. I hate it because I know if I can keep my anxiety under control, I can come off as a sociable person. I just need a source of association with other people. I happen to be Human, and Humans happen to need other Humans sometimes. Being deprived of this source is terrible.

 

Thanks very much for the responses everyone. It is much appreciated.

Edited by CLPM

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If you are into writing the one thing I can think of is that when I go to London I always go to Watkins bookshop which may well be one of the best esoteric bookshops in the world and they sometimes have events and talks by authors and they have a flyer section for esoteric stuff going on in London http://www.watkinsbooks.com It looks like they have a load of New Age authors in this month talking about angels which isn't my cup of tea but sometimes they have some interesting authors there giving talks.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Growing up I suffered extreme abuse and lived below the poverty line for my entire childhood. I remember living for six months in a bread truck because my parent's didn't have enough money to rent a home. Imagine three kids and a man and woman in a truck not any longer than 18 feet.

 

I had to leave school at the age of 15 in order to take a full time job so I could help provide for my family. I ended up suffering from extreme bouts of depression and anxiety. When I was eighteen a woman at the local job center convinced me to enter Job Corp. If you've never been, it's a vocational rehab school for kids, but most end up volunteering because they are court mandated and don't want to be sent to jail. I was the only kid in my hall that didn't have a felony, no kidding. Another came along a couple months later. To give you a bit of perspective, six years later one of my roommates ended up killing his wife, another was sentenced to life in prison for a driving the car in a drive by. Sweet fellas, no doubt about it. There were crips, bloods, BGDs, you name it, lots of gangs and fights. I had to learn how to live there. Sad thing was I felt it was better than living at home, so I stayed til I completed my coursework for Cable TV installation.

 

Anyways life sucked, pretty hard sometimes. I ended up getting my GED in Job Corp and going to a community college. I met the requirements there to enter a university where I finally received my BA in Liberal Arts.

 

Right now I am getting evicted in a few days. I am going to move in with a friend who offered to put me up for awhile. I am waiting for my passport and criminal background check so I can finish my application for a teaching job overseas. While I wait I need to accept the help of others or I'll end up on the street.

 

I'm not saying you don't have any reason to be depressed, what I'm saying is that it's tough all over, you're not the only one who's suffering or been where you are. Last night my neighbor asked to borrow some tin foil. I came out later on and he was out on his porch smoking something out of it. I'm sure it wasn't anything good. He's got a 1 year old son. Think about it, you could be that father or son, things might not be as bad as you think.

 

I'm not a fan of hope, I'm a fan of action. Do what you have to to survive. Complain all you want, but keep in mind it doesn't get anything done, it just irritates everyone around you. The best thing to do is figure out what you need to do to solve your situation and get to it.

 

For you that means figuring out what you WANT to do and what you NEED to do. Try to find something you need to do that you also want to do. if that's going to school, then go to school, but if it's not then don't worry about it.

 

Get out and talk to people. Everyplace on the face of the world is antisocial, don't let that stop you. Go to the pub, join a gym, do something to get out and about and meet others. Find out when your local Buddhist/Taoist Temple has services (or if you're christian your local church) and attend. The trick here is to get out and talk to others, make an attempt, take that action. If you don't make a friend the first time, then keep trying, the odds are in your favor.

 

I've been where you are, just on the other side of the pond, so don't think it's not possible, you just can't let things get you down to the point you can't get back up. If you need to talk, send me a message. If not, that's fine too, but remember no one can change the way you feel, except for you.

 

Aaron

 

edit- Also keep in mind that working for family might suck, but there's always something worse you could be doing and it's not like it's forever.

Edited by Twinner
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

agree w drew - establishing that path of least resistance that sort of re-trains this thought-stream-energy, what, boredom? cant really recall the last time I was bored or lonely, default is sit breathe smile :)

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Being alone and being lonely are two very different things.

It is possible to be completely alone and to have no feelings of loneliness whatsoever.

It's equally possible to be surrounded by people and feel completely alone.

 

We all live with feelings of being incomplete and feelings that we are lacking something.

For you, it seems to be that you feel you are missing the company of other people.

The irony is that even when in the company of others, you do not feel better - you feel anxiety.

We are conditioned to believe that we require the company, love, and approval of others for our happiness.

This is a myth.

 

Think about how you feel when you are watching a great film or expressing yourself with a great idea in a script.

You have the capacity to be happy and complete with or without the company of others.

Get out and turn your attention to all of the potential around you.

Go to a museum, a concert, a play, or a poetry reading. just walk around the city and give yourself over to all of the possibilities around you. Do something totally out of character. Visit somewhere you've never been, even if you don't think it interests you.

Go to a tourist trap that you've never visited.

And you just might run into some other people that you like to spend time with.

Or get out to the country and spend some time in nature - even completely alone, I never feel alone when surrounded by trees, mountains, water,... Because the truth is you're never alone. You are everything you see around you.

It's just that your sensory apparatus and the fact that you're mobile and surrounded by a bag of skin give the illusion that you are separate.

 

All that said, I do think it is valuable for us to gain experience through relationship with others.

The more you venture out, the more likely you are to have opportunities to meet others.

As a member of this forum, you may have some interest in Buddhist or Daoist topics.

As others have said, why not begin meditating with a sangha?

Or look into getting involved in a cause where you can help others or do something for the environment.

Join a stream clean up crew or a food bank or soup kitchen.

Are there any film clubs at local colleges?

Or join a Qigong or Taijiquan class.

The latter would give you the opportunity to meet people, get some exercise, and open yourself to learning something about Daoism.

 

And I don't mean to make it sound like it will be easy for you to change or that I understand what you are going through.

My daughter has struggled her whole life with social anxiety so I've seen how tough it can be.

But she made the choice (with my support and encouragement, as painful as that was!) to go 2500 miles away to school and now she has some friends and a boyfriend.

If she can do it, you can too.

It starts with a choice and one step in the right direction.

 

Good luck!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_1sPDntOTs

 

This is a very easy but very effective exercise to feel better -- to increase the challenge just bend your knees more. Do for 10 minutes even might be enough. Due for 2 hours every day and get enlightenment. haha.

 

Check out Chunyi Lin's amazing transformation from suicidal depression to master energy healer:

Edited by fulllotus

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My interests include Cinema and Writing.

 

Sounds like you are quite creative.... and you do sound like a writer as most that I know do tend to like keeping to themselves and shy away from social gatherings.

 

Is there a writers guild/club near you? In town here we have a writers club that goes away for weekend retreats, you would think it would be quite intimidating as some of them are very good writers, but they also remember what it's like trying to get started and can help with networking and writing tips etc.

 

The other idea could be a cinema club, again here we have a club that get together once a week at the "art" cinema where they show interesting foreign films and can discuss them after.

 

If you don't like just going out and "meeting people" (I know I don't) then a activity you enjoy, that also happens to involve contact with others, is easier to get the motivation to do.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

p.s.

 

2) Nobody will make a script from an uneducated 19 year old.

 

You would think nobody would want to play music written by an unknown 37 year old either..... and I certainly wouldn't try to get someone to pay me for a song at the moment.

 

BUT my friend that play music are more than happy to try out my songs and ideas. It's great fun for all involved (much less fun for those that have to listen to the recordings) but it inspires us to practice and improve.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm the type of person who doesn't like to use the words "I'm the type of person"

 

All my life people wanted to talk to me, I just stand out so much

In a room full of people there always someone who's like, hey, what's up with him?

I never talked to anyone in high school but everyone else talked to me, I think at least half the school knew me, huh

 

I never met anyone's expectation, I did everything backwards, and everyone had no choice but to notice

You should do everything backwards, too

or even better, turn yourself around

 

Hey, think about it,

you are so lonely, no one is there, everyone is too busy

sooooo... no one cares what you do, they don't know you or anything

you are actually more free then any other people around you

you are free to be yourself in a sea of people who are not themselves

they are too busy to notice another bland boring person like them

if you go out in the world and start writing in the open like no one is watching and ignore everybody else and just do what you want to do, they will feel lonely instead and will want to know more about you

 

THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREEEEEEEEEEE

come on, give me your deviantart, I'll watch you

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think steve hit the hammer on the head.

 

Also, I think you need to decide if you really need this or not.

Doesn't all relationship eventually lead to suffering? Is it only a temporary fix?

The answer of course is within your own soul.

Search it.

If you really need these other people then go out and get them. It's simple. Liberating. Exciting.

OR

Give up these incessant thoughts of a terrified ego. Decide for yourself your true nature. Cut these desires from your life. It's simple. Liberating.

 

You remind me of myself years ago.

If you are anything like me you are in for one hell of a ride.

But when you arrive you will realize all the steps were necessary.

 

I recommend to stop masturbating immediately.

You will be sickeningly surprised at how much this seemingly innocuous addiction controls your thought patterns.

Conserve your energy it's in finite supply.

 

If you are a writer then you must be a reader.

READ: The Teaching's of Don Juan: A Yaqui way of knowledge

 

Ommmmmmmmmm.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Stick around Tao Bums and you won't feel lonely, there are truly wonderful people in here.

 

I hope this place will make you feel like home.

 

You are not alone, we all are part of the Divine, just human mind and its cravings have dislodged humanity from the spirit. But deep down there is a spirit and goodness in all humans.

 

I know how you feel, living in a metropolis is not the best place to grow and cleanse yourself but there are certainly good parks in London where you can find adepts of the Way.

 

Just get up early in the morning and put your heart into it and you'll eventually find a teacher.

 

For example:

 

http://www.taichiinthepark.co.uk/

 

But honestly, this search must be a personal journey, yuanfen, your destiny. The teacher will find you or you may come across him by accident when least expected.

 

In the meantime, keep visiting this place for help and support.

 

All the very best,

 

:)

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I recommend to stop masturbating immediately.

You will be sickeningly surprised at how much this seemingly innocuous addiction controls your thought patterns.

Conserve your energy it's in finite supply.

 

READ: The Teaching's of Don Juan: A Yaqui way of knowledge

 

 

Hello ATMA,

 

First there's nothing wrong with masturbation. I get sick and tired of hearing all of the religious "authorities" telling the young about the dangers of masturbation. If he had mentioned he was having a problem with it, this wouldn't be so bizarre, but this seems to come out of the blue. I can't believe I have to keep saying this over and over, but here goes...

 

Masturbation is healthy and completely natural. It's been shown to alleviate stress and anxiety, decrease the chance of prostate cancer, and offer numerous other health benefits. I recommend that everyone masturbate as much as they feel like. I also recommend that people be wary of those who preach the perils of masturbation and sex! Oh no I'm doing what my body was intended to do, I must be soooooo evil. Yeah, right. In most instances this aversion to sex is a sign of serious repression of one's own sexuality.

 

Carlos Castanada, the author of Don Juan and the other books in the series, was a cult leader essentially. At the end he was a recluse who kept a number of young women virtual prisoners in his home. One of those women came forth and has admitted to being sexually taken advantage of. He was a seriously imbalanced individual and I would not recommend anyone read his books for spiritual growth. If you need to learn any more, check Wikipedia out, they have much of the story.

 

Anyways, I hope life is treating you well.

 

Aaron

Edited by Twinner
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Some places you might want to check out when you have the time:

 

http://www.harrowwriters.org.uk/

http://www.ukdirectory.co.uk/Library/Category703456.html

http://www.islington.gov.uk/leisure/HobbilesAndInterests/

 

 

In recent years there's been a surge in interest in the most casual of all pastimes... walking! And i know there are plenty of groups who meet regularly to indulge themselves in some serious rambles in the downs and valleys, along ridges and up the hills, and it literally costs nothing to participate (with lots to gain in fact) :

 

Directory: http://www.ramblingclubs.com/ramblingclubs.php/London/44/2/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Also, I think you need to decide if you really need this or not.

Doesn't all relationship eventually lead to suffering? Is it only a temporary fix?

The answer of course is within your own soul.

Search it.

 

I believe in balance. There is a balance that needs to be struck in life with everything, most importantly people. Spending too much time with people is as unhealthy as spending too much time alone.

 

I can spend time alone, but spending too much time alone becomes very harmful.

 

I recommend to stop masturbating immediately.

 

Balance comes into play here too. Masturbating uses up energy, but sometimes sexual energy needs a release (and it's unlikely I'm going to come near the real thing any time soon).

 

I think not enough masturbation is as bad as too much masturbation. Sounds kinda cheesy, but sometimes my most creative thought has come after masturbation because impure/anxious energy is released.

---

 

Thanks everyone for the responses. I will give some of the posts here some thought.

 

Hopefully I fill this massive hole in my life.

Edited by CLPM

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

London Free School

Confronting hierachy and inequality in education

Reclaiming knowledge and self reliance

http://londonfreeschool.wordpress.com/2011/10/

 

Check out the site , free courses in tai chi, yoga , even counselling (I think I even know a person who offers it),sewing and loads more. Contact the people via email.

As well as

http://www.56a.org.uk/

A lot of stuff going on ,also free cinema.Years ago I used hang out with people involved in different projects there or just volounteering.

They used to have something called anarchist writers workshop or something . It was very cool , another friend who was only 19 at the time used to attend and really enjoy it. Super creative and well run.

Get involved, youll feel welcomed. Maybe you can ask there or get some people involved into expirimenting with making short films that you have mentioned. They are easy and fun to make even without a budget.

 

Do you do any practises like qigong or meditation or martial arts or similar regulary?

If not I would suggest taking on a practise and sticking to it . Much can be resolved and understood through continous practise as well.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I believe in balance. There is a balance that needs to be struck in life with everything, most importantly people. Spending too much time with people is as unhealthy as spending too much time alone.

 

I can spend time alone, but spending too much time alone becomes very harmful.

 

 

 

Balance comes into play here too. Masturbating uses up energy, but sometimes sexual energy needs a release (and it's unlikely I'm going to come near the real thing any time soon).

 

I think not enough masturbation is as bad as too much masturbation. Sounds kinda cheesy, but sometimes my most creative thought has come after masturbation because impure/anxious energy is released.

---

 

Thanks everyone for the responses. I will give some of the posts here some thought.

 

Hopefully I fill this massive hole in my life.

 

sprinkle some cayenne on that thing. It works great.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

CLPM,

 

Take this info for what it's worth. It might be of value. Much of my work as a geography major had to do with post-industrial scenarios, peak oil, sustainability, etc. and some of the most promising trends are coming out of the Transition Movement, which got its start in the UK. Transition as in the transition from oil-dependent communities to sustainable models. Anyway, the movement is worldwide now and it tends to attract a lot of interesting and creative people, young and old, who are learning how to stay ahead of future changes. I've lived in intentional communities before and am planning to move into one in three years, and I gotta say, they don't have problems with loneliness or meaninglessness. Communities with shared values can be are extremely healthy ways to live (some are cults, yes, but you can spot them a mile away). So I posted the link for the Transition UK below. Check it out and maybe you'll be inspired by some options you may not have thought of.

All the best.

Scott

http://transitionculture.org/2011/09/21/transition-in-the-uk-my-talk-at-sunrise-off-grid-2011/'>http://transitionculture.org/2011/09/21/transition-in-the-uk-my-talk-at-sunrise-off-grid-2011/

http://transitionculture.org/

 

http://london-transition.org.uk/

 

This one is for the US

http://transitionus.org/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sign in to follow this