I think loneliness is going to destroy me...

[voidisyinyang]

An Ode to Loneliness: Left the house at 8 a.m -- going into the cold rain just above freezing. Ran down to my leaf fort in the woods -- an army cot with a comforter surrounded by three feet of leaves as insulation in a buckthorn pop-tent style construction with some foam insulation board and some tarps. Crawled in -- no space to move. Finally fell asleep. Had a couple lucid dreams from the really fresh outside oxygen air. Dreamt I was in my leaf fort only the fort was moved to different locations. In my dream I said - wow this is so real but how do I know I'm not dreaming? Then this pretty female with red hair and green eyes said I should kiss her if I was dreaming. haha. So after a nice open mouth kiss I said -- yeah that's too good to be true I must be dreaming. So then I woke up. Had a few more lucid leaf fort dreams like that then I heard the noon siren go off.

 

It was still a cold rain and I didn't have any food yet but I had enough sleep now -- I had chanted Om Mandi Padme Hum before I slept -- chanted doing mind yoga while laying on the army cot -- for a good half hour. Now I ventured into the cold rain and I got a fire of buckthorn going in the burn barrel. Had to start it in the rain. But I had collected the wood yesterday so I was prepared. It was soaked wood though. Got it going. Was getting too cold from getting wet in the rain. So then I took an old kid's little swimming pool and set it upside down over a couple of trash cans. So then I sat under that as the fire burned -- had some newspaper under me so I wouldn't get too muddy. The fire was going good but the rain was too strong. I was getting cold.

 

Back to the leaf fort to lie on the army cot. Laid there for as long as possible chanting Om Mani Padme Hum. A couple of hours about -- lying on the army cot in my leaf fort in the woods alone. Waiting for time to pass but then pondering how in meditation time could disappear. Happy that the comforter and the leaf insulation was keeping my body heat insulating the little leaf fort -- just could change positions on the army cot. The rain kept up strong. Finally had to see if I could go back into the house. Left the woods and went back to the burn barrel into the cold rain. Fire still going but almost out. Added more wood and got it going again - fanning the burn barrel to get oxygen in there.

 

Then I was called to drive to Goodwill to deliver to stuff for donation. Was happy to get out of the cold rain as I wasn't that wet yet. It had been seven hours thus far for the day. I enjoyed being alone outside. Still being the car with classical music and the heat blasting felt like Shangri-La. haha.

[Audiohealing]

I've lived the last 2 years completely alone and I LOVE it. It hasn't been this way all my life. There were times when I used to be a social butterfly but things have changed.

 

I feel great when I'm alone. People might say it's unhealthy. Maybe so- IF you think it's unhealthy then it is. There's nothing wrong with it.

 

At the very least though- get yourself a girlfriend

[markern]

l

Edited September 10, 2013 by markern

[Thunder_Gooch]

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Edited December 16, 2011 by More_Pie_Guy

[Everything]

Well...I guess this post was going to come up eventually. Here it goes...

 

When I was 11 I left school. I had physical illnesses that lead to mental illnesses (this is quite common in fatigue related illness). The school kept forcing me (via the police) to go into school even when I was really sick. My school was full of gangs and violence. This obviously gave me 'school phobia'. I was 11 remember.

 

To add to this there was a poor family situation and it boiled over and exploded. I was too anxious to ever go back to school again...

 

When I was 16 I tried entering college (British education system)...which failed when there weren't enough teachers for my course.

 

The above might all seem quite simplistic. But it's really not. What my lack of education has meant is that I've been completely isolated from society and people my whole life, with severe mental consequences. It's gotten to the point (i'm 19 now) where loneliness is literally going to swallow me. I work for my dad too, since nobody would hire an uneducated kid. I'm trapped. Out of society. Feel completely out of touch. I want to connect and feel accepted by people, but there's no way to get 'out there'.

 

I live in London too. Anybody who's lived here knows it's the most antisocial place on Earth. It's not very easy to meet people.

 

Eh, complaint over. Just dunno what to do.

Behind every fear is a lie. Allow yourself to experience the fear more fully, follow your fear. Then try to ask yourself why such a situation or thought feels anxious. What lie creates the sensation of fear? Then when you keep believing in that lie, it is a choice, no longer a habbit. You are free to give life whatever meaning you wish to give it. Life is meaningless. Your reality is an empty vessel. Its bottom is infinitely deep. You can keep filling it, it will never be full. Fill it with good things, if you wish. Do not give away your powers of filling this vessel for other to fill it for you. Life is meaningless, you give it meaning. Don't fall for the idea that others have chosen for you what you have chosen to believe. You are free to believe lies, but fear is the gift you receive. Without it, you would not be able to return to your natural state of being.

 

What are you afraid of? There should be many ideas that cause anxiety, just start with something simple. Are you afraid to be with yourself?

Edited December 16, 2011 by Everything