Child psychology text

[Owledge]

Five Reasons To Stop Saying "Good Job!"

 

http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm

[三江源]

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Edited February 3, 2016 by 三江源

[Harmonious Emptiness]

It gets tricky too though when kids are already wired this way and feel lost without praise. How do we fix them by the way we respond without sending them into a spiral of self-pity or doubt?

 

Most things are done by one motivation or another, though, and teachers' #1 job is creating the motivation to learn on one's own, imo. So what are some "safe" ways to motivate?

 

It bothers me too when I hear adults overpraising kids out of nowhere -- not realizing that it suggests the kid would be in shit without the adult authorization. Like when some old woman starts praising someone else's kid on the subway "oh, that's a nice snowjacket! blah blah blah" I just think "what would I say to her if that was my kid?" How do we fix the adults with this problem? They're usually praise junkies as well, so putting it nicely is quite a challenge.

Edited January 13, 2012 by Harmonious Emptiness

[Owledge]

It gets tricky too though when kids are already wired this way and feel lost without praise. How do we fix them by the way we respond without sending them into a spiral of self-pity or doubt?

By talking to them and explaining things. Not by treating them like "a messed up child". You can see in sectors like TV series even how children respond very well to 'high quality stuff', even love it. Children can handle a lot more than people think. So how you treat a child has an influence on them. It might be insulting to some, but apparently many parents are treating their children as if they were stupid. And then that's the result they might get.

 

Most things are done by one motivation or another, though, and teachers' #1 job is creating the motivation to learn on one's own, imo. So what are some "safe" ways to motivate?

The thing is that the need for motivation is unnatural to begin with. It already indicates that something went in the wrong direction. Children are naturally inquisitive, curious, adventurous. This is only culled through a society that doesn't allow that degree of freedom. So I'd say the only "safe way to motivate" is to provide what is missing. It's actually so simple that it's probably difficult to understand. A child is unmotivated to do something: Don't apply force. Figure out what's behind it. And don't expect that eventually you will find the problem in the child and fix it. The problem might be in you. ;-D

 

There is a guy who was on TV. He grew up in a very healthy and unrestrictive society. The interviewer simply couldn't believe that that guy, as a child, voluntarily, out of own impulse, and with passion read Shakespeare and learned German as a foreign language. No-one ever urged him to do this or that. There was stuff offered and he did what he felt like. And now he's mentally healthy and well-educated.

 

I tend to say: Listen to children's wisdom. They are new here. They still have the smell of divinity on them. They still remember what you have forgotten.

[zanshin]

I had an Asian martial arts teacher, who told me he lived and taught here a few years til he realized he should tell Americans "good job." He still didn't quite get it, he would say "good job" and then go on in detail about how terrible we were and why. He did seem genuinely impressed that I knew how to use chopsticks well.

 

I try not to say good job since it is horribly overused or if I like a school project I'll say why. For chores instead of "good job" I'll usually say something like "thank you for feeding the dog today." Of course intrinsic motivation and natural following interests is great, but no one wants to take out the trash, no one enjoys doing dishes, parts of speech and long division are tedious for most. Kids say "good job" to each other though. They pat the crappiest runner on the team on back and tell him "good job" when he huffs and puffs and finally comes in, it's really sort of cool.

[Owledge]

Of course intrinsic motivation and natural following interests is great, but no one wants to take out the trash, no one enjoys doing dishes, parts of speech and long division are tedious for most.

This, too, is social conditioning and upbringing. In a healthier environment, people won't even think twice before doing dishes or taking out the trash. It has to be done, so it's done, and why not retain the same happy attitude while doing it? After all, what's so bad about doing dishes if not something more pleasant in contrast to it and a person who is exhausted by various other unhealthy factors?

When was the last time you heard a statement like "I love doing the laundry with my wife! Doing it together with her, hand-in-hand. It's done in no-time, and now I'm trying to find more laundry."? ;D

Edited January 13, 2012 by Owledge

[zanshin]

Come on over, I've got plenty of laundry. There may even be a washer and dryer back somewhere behind the piles.

[Aaron]

Praise without merit is harmful. I've seen these studies before, saying "good job" is behavioral training, much like giving a treat to a dog when it's done something we want it to repeat. Yes it trains them to do the trick, but do they really want to do the trick? For a long time now I've been an advocate of honesty when it comes to teaching children. When they do something wrong, you tell them honestly what they did wrong. When they do something right you tell them that they did it right. You can still say "good job", but it should be a rare occurrence and actually be a "good job". In other words don't say "good job" when a child finishes their plate, unless you want chubby kids.

 

 

 

Aaron

[zanshin]

Except for runners, runners of all abilities, ages, body types etc. are fabulous and we genuinely love them all and are proud of them just for trying.

 

I think a lot of it is genetic. We know narcissism is largely genetic, although I'm sure environmental factors of overpraising is not helpful. Some kids are pleasers and praising can easily become manipulation even abuse, some kids need lots of encouragement and reassurance to try things, then some are natural rebels and contrarians. Kids are not just clay to be shaped by parents and society to make them chubby or stupid or happy or motivated. I don't really disagree with the posts, but I don't agree with idea of if you do X result is Y applied to kids.

[三江源]

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Edited February 3, 2016 by 三江源

[三江源]

This, too, is social conditioning and upbringing. In a healthier environment, people won't even think twice before doing dishes or taking out the trash. It has to be done, so it's done, and why not retain the same happy attitude while doing it? After all, what's so bad about doing dishes if not something more pleasant

Edited February 3, 2016 by 三江源

[三江源]

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Edited February 3, 2016 by 三江源

[Friend]

Edited January 14, 2012 by Friend