Total Rejuvenation

[Tatsumaru]

Plain and simple, I've lost it... my balance, that is.

A few months ago I started this topic: About me and my life.

 

It's basically what I've been struggling with and a lot of helpful advice. Since then I've changed a little. Learned important things but my life is still nowhere near where I want it to be. This is destroying me gradually, and what do I mean exactly...

This Christmas I spent alone at my house. I decided to take some magic mushrooms even though I wasn't in the mood. The dose wasn't big at all but nevertheless it felt horrible and mostly because I was in the wrong mindset. I suffered a severe panic attack and went to the ER to check my heart as I felt if it was going to explode any minute. Since then nothing has ever been the same. I'm very anxious, nervous and constantly watching for my pulse. I have been having problems with my heart as well probably stress-related. You get the idea. I've taken mushrooms before, I used to grow them, so my point is that all the sh*t that has been happening in my life broke loose that day and now I'm not the same person. I would wake in the middle of the night with my pulse over 160 etc.

I went to the doctors, they said heart is fine, now I'm about to do a blood panel tommorow and also visit a neurologist and psychiatrist.

The truth is that I'm a very reckless person - I am a bodybuilder so I use all kinds of medication, I'm a great fan of biochemistry and medicine and am currently studying to apply at Columbia University. I've been of all medication for a few weeks now. And all the stuff that's happened to me including the lonely life and the lack of friends and the failures are taking a toll on my balance. Now I feel very down, I don't know what to do. I want everything to be absolutely perfect but it never is. For example if I am not maintaining a perfect physique and health I wouldnt go out, wouldnt communicate with new people and it has been like this for my whole life. And I just can't take myself anymore. I'm failing as a person.

Do you have any suggestions ? What should I do ?

 

P.S.

For some reason I want way too much out of this life, constanly pursuing the hardest of achievements but at the same time achieving nothing at all. I try to set the bar lower but it just doesn't work. I want it all and I have nothing.

[Birch]

I'd say half the battle is won already. You're in a position to start changing all the stuff you want to. Ttb's is a great ressource but I'd say it would be worth getting some individual attention if there's a lot of stuff to deal with all at once. Hundun. Yep, I reckon he'd be a guy to sound out. Also check out what's available to you locally.

All I know about various substances is that I probably got away with a lot more when I was younger;-)

Doesn't seem to fit with me now either physically or otherwise.

Gerard is an ex body-builder I think. I reckon he knows a lot about what that does and how to stay healthy if you're considering doing less.

Panic attacks are a sucker but here's where the breathing techniques in that other thread would help.

Another good TTB for help is Clarity.

 

Wishing you well!

[Dainin]

Maybe try some volunteer work at a soup kitchen, retirement home, VA hospital, or hospice to put things in perspective...

[Jetsun]

Perhaps try some practice where you direct compassion towards yourself which includes compassion for your ego which demands perfection and compassion for the part of you scared by the panic attacks.

 

This may sound cheesy but when you can connect with your own heart compassion you can connect with how much of an amazing person you are despite whatever failures or imperfections you have, and if those failure and imperfections lead you to living more from your heart then they have been your greatest allies in the grander scheme of things.

[hagar]

Sorry to hear your story.

It seems like you are basically suffering from loneliness, and most of what you describe are means to an end towards gaining recognition and companionship. Using your body or "success" or anything outside of yourself in time or space to gain what you long for will only lead to more loneliness. The feeling of self worth and companionship are states that basically are available in the here and now. And things are never, ever perfect out there, nor in "your life". Nomatter how we fail, we were allready perfect at the time of our birth.

 

Be what you desire most. Talk to people with the intention to help and listen to them. Offer your support. Hear what they say, what they care for and what bothers them. Care for others without wanting anything. Do things as an end in themselves not as a means. Then things may start to change.

 

If I look at people whom I respect and like, they all embody these qualities and act accordingly. With no intetion.

 

And maybe drop the shrooms.

 

h

[Clarity]

And I just can't take myself anymore. I'm failing as a person.

Do you have any suggestions ? What should I do ?

 

Find someone to help you clear the energetic weaknesses you've accumulated through your various lifetimes. That would mean clearing the cumulative effect of all your negative life experiences which is pretty much affecting you infinitely at this point.

 

For example, when I tune into your energy around bio-chemistry and medicine, I feel a weakness around poisoning others coming from your spiritual experiences. It is a karmic issue in the form of 'payback' for the poisoning.

 

Also, you are not inherently reckless. Instead, you have a karma of encouraging others to be reckless coming from your spiritual experiences. In order to resolve that karma, you would naturally engage in reckless behavior.

 

Wanting everything to be perfect is also a weakness. That striving triggers the cumulative effect of all of your 'imperfect' experiences, which is a struggle for you.

 

My teacher used to say, "It's all in your mind." But in your case, it's not just in your mind, it's also part of your spiritual programming which can be changed or re-designed.

 

The Sufi's understood how to redesign the structure of one's mind through conscious work. If you think of yourself as a garden then what you feed is what grows inside you. To me it seems, you just need to get started pulling up some of the weeds.

[ChiDragon]

Plain and simple, I've lost it... my balance, that is.

A few months ago I started this topic: About me and my life.

 

The truth is that I'm a very reckless person - I am a bodybuilder so I use all kinds of medication, I'm a great fan of biochemistry and medicine and am currently studying to apply at Columbia University. I've been of all medication for a few weeks now. And all the stuff that's happened to me including the lonely life and the lack of friends and the failures are taking a toll on my balance. Now I feel very down, I don't know what to do. I want everything to be absolutely perfect but it never is. For example if I am not maintaining a perfect physique and health I wouldnt go out, wouldnt communicate with new people and it has been like this for my whole life. And I just can't take myself anymore. I'm failing as a person.

Do you have any suggestions ? What should I do ?

 

P.S.

For some reason I want way too much out of this life, constanly pursuing the hardest of achievements but at the same time achieving nothing at all. I try to set the bar lower but it just doesn't work. I want it all and I have nothing.

 

Firstly, don't take those drugs anymore. Apparently, they are giving you some side effects. Secondly, your expectations are too high which causing you to be out of balance mentally.

[Protector]

Have you tried the horse stance? It doesn't have to be perfect, just do it long enough to feel like you can't go on(spoiler, you can go on longer they your legs are telling you)

You will feel a lot better when you finally take a sit

[Vanir Thunder Dojo Tan]

Have you tried the horse stance? It doesn't have to be perfect, just do it long enough to feel like you can't go on(spoiler, you can go on longer they your legs are telling you)

You will feel a lot better when you finally take a sit

 

 

What are your feelings on the Iron Chair then?

 

All this horse stance this, horse stance that, but what about iron chair?!

[Protector]

What are your feelings on the Iron Chair then?

 

All this horse stance this, horse stance that, but what about iron chair?!

 

Cat stretches > aluminum chair

 

It's also a lung workout since I can't breath for a while

 

HORSE STANCE!!!!!!!

[Vanir Thunder Dojo Tan]

/me knows no cat stretches... i think?

 

 

And iron chair is liek a deeper yet narrower horse stance, but with a wall behind your back, so it's like the same thing, but different.

 

 

[konchog uma]

Tatsumaru,

 

do you meditate? I think you need to let go of unrealistic expectations. Most people do to some degree, but yours sound like they are really messing you up. Nothing is perfect, perfection is a theoretical thing. Life is messy, and the sooner you get happy in the mud, the sooner you will find the happiness you seek.

 

Let go. Your burden is self-created, so you are the one who can choose to put it down and walk on without it.

[Aetherous]

The ability to let go is probably the greatest treasure that we can have. An inability to let go, the greatest curse.

 

Because life is often imperfect, and so are we...if we can give up all the extra stuff, and find pleasure in the moment, in simply being alive and breathing...then we're doing well.

 

Stressing yourself out isn't good.

[Gerard]

I went to the doctors, they said heart is fine, now I'm about to do a blood panel tommorow and also visit a neurologist and psychiatrist.

 

Sorry, it's just they're beating around the bush. Western Medicine follows a different approach to Oriental Medicine, which is energy based. Hence their inability to locate the energetic location of that organ (heart Qi)

 

 

Read this:

 

http://www.thetaobums.com/index.php?/topic/22374-a-question-about-zhan-zhuang/page__view__findpost__p__319199

 

In addition to that:

 

http://www.thetaobums.com/index.php?/topic/20751-work-the-essence-of-your-ling-spirithigh-consciousness/ (Black spirit)

 

 

Good luck.

[Cameron]

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Edited February 6, 2012 by Cameron

[Tatsumaru]

Let go of this, let go of that. Why live at all if you have to let go of your dreams. Letting go is for weak people. The easiest thing is to say "Ah big deal, it's hard I don't need this" or "Hmm, I think I just need to let go of that dream to become A or B or C, it's way too unrealistic". What's that word unrealistic even supposed to mean ? Check out the way this whole world appeared. Does that seem realistic to you ? I mean I respect you guys and everything but give me a break, letting go of all your desires makes you an empty shell and that's no happiness that's simply nothing literally. Just breathing and eating until you die.

[Cameron]

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Edited February 6, 2012 by Cameron

[Protector]

Let go of this, let go of that. Why live at all if you have to let go of your dreams. Letting go is for weak people. The easiest thing is to say "Ah big deal, it's hard I don't need this" or "Hmm, I think I just need to let go of that dream to become A or B or C, it's way too unrealistic". What's that word unrealistic even supposed to mean ? Check out the way this whole world appeared. Does that seem realistic to you ? I mean I respect you guys and everything but give me a break, letting go of all your desires makes you an empty shell and that's no happiness that's simply nothing literally. Just breathing and eating until you die.

 

I knoe rite? Bud don't you hate how people keep seeing the negative seen side of things and don't see the positive unseen side of things?

 

Do you know the 'empty your cup' story? A know-it-all student comes to learn from a master and as they drink tea, the student keeps talking about what he learned. Meanwhile, the master keeps pouring tea in his cup and the student says that that's enough. To that master replies, then do you need to learn more if you know so much already, empty your cup.

Sounds easy to do, but in practice it's one of the most hard things to do. Can you let go of everything you have know and love to be able to also lose all the unnecessary baggage to have enough space to build a new you that you always wanted? Attachment and detachment are an illusion you know?

[johndoe2012]

People speak past each other and mix things things up because the self is very complex.

 

Ken Wilber from "Spectrum of Consciousness":

 

This synthesis [speaking about merging Eastern and Western ways of describing consciousness] attempt to answer a question such as "I feel generally unhappy about life - should I pursue psychotherapy or Mahayana Buddhism?" with the answer "You are perfectly free to pursue both, for these approaches refer to different levels, and thus are not fundamentally in conflict."

 

So both a daily practise of meditation and seeing a therapist might be a good idea.

 

People talking about letting go are probably talking about a different stage of development.

 

It seems to me that you are in contact with two aspects of the self: the higher self who wants to do meditation and transcend and the lower self where the "ugly" aspects of yourself resides. Integrating these is IMHO a project of a lifetime.

[Aetherous]

Why live at all if you have to let go of your dreams.

 

You don't have to. It's great to have dreams, and to achieve them. Keep it up.

 

The best way to let go of your dreams is to achieve them.

 

Letting go is for weak people.

 

Actually I think that the exact opposite is the case...weak people are the ones who are incapable of letting go. It takes quite a bit of strength of character to willingly set the bullshit aside (empty talk, useless thoughts, wild emotions, etc), and cultivate that which is beneficial. Takes a lot to let go of your past, and live an entirely new life of your own design.

 

It's beneifical to be able to let go, and experience relief. It's like a deep sigh of satisfaction....ahhh yes. A state of being where you don't require anything, where you feel joy just for existing.

 

When a person actively lets go, they are recognizing that something is in the way of that experience, and they change themselves in order to strengthen the experience.

 

Part of that involves accomplishing that which you desire...because failure is obviously an obstacle to that experience.

 

Really, your life is in your hands...create something amazing. Fulfill your dreams. Be successful. Be well.

 

Letting go is a great tool for all of that. It's not about laziness, or giving in out of weakness.

 

I mean I respect you guys and everything but give me a break, letting go of all your desires makes you an empty shell and that's no happiness that's simply nothing literally. Just breathing and eating until you die.

 

I agree with you completely. Yet, I also think it'd be great to be able to find happiness in just breathing and eating. I'm grateful that I can...because most likely, there comes a point when we can't...

[Jetsun]

You don't have to let go of everything if you don't want to at least not until you die, but learning to let go is one of the healthiest things you can do otherwise you have all sorts of things from the past weighing you down, old traumas, grievances, fears can interfere with you getting the most out of life. But the fact is everything is changing all of the time so letting go is the sanest thing you can do because trying to hold onto something which isnt permanent will cause you stress and suffering.

[Tatsumaru]

Cameron I'm very thankful, don't mean to disrespect any advice here.

 

Sinfest, yes I'm ready to lose all the unneccesary baggage. How do I know what's important and what's not though, when everything that I do now and want seems to have came up in my mind at a certain point in the time, because of what I want to accomplish ?

 

Like for example building a strong body in order to withstand higher energies. I know most of the practitioners are very conservative when it comes to physical development but I have always been inspired by these great muscular guys on the animes you see who possess infinite powers.

 

What about letting go of wanting to study biochemistry and medicine when there is a great possibility that one might be able to understand his body to a much greater extent if he studies both medicine and chinese practices. I have always believed that the secret lies in getting the best of both worlds and finding the balance.

 

What about letting go of wanting to create businesses and get richer when you know you need money to travel the world and pay tuition and gym and life and food and everything costs money.

 

I don't know I'm pretty confused when it comes to what's really important. I know I'm carrying a lot of unneccesary burden on my shoulders. In fact I've been throwing stuff out of my room just so I can clear my mind. Old TVs, junk, old clothes etc. Want it to be as simple as possible.

 

This all might appear as if I'm longing for all this power so I can dominate humanity or something like that but this couldn't be further from the truth. In reality I want to be as strong as possible so I can help weaker people and so I can build a place or a village or something like that in the mountains where people who seek inner harmony are welcome. I want to be protector of the weak and a guide for the restless minds but as you can see I'm nowhere near being ready for such a responsibility. I know I've watched one too many movies and played too much games when I was younger, but just imagine how cool it would be if you could live in real harmony with nature and animals and the goodness in this world and the universe. And when I say harmony I don't just mean go live in the woods, I mean attune to the energies of the nature and communicate with it.

 

It's just that there is hardly any magic left in this world. Everthing is so mundane and gray. Everything is economics, oil prices etc. In my opinion it's simply boring. For me having a goal of raising a family and buying a sedan and a house is simply boring and a waste of life. I don't want to be one of those guys who just "grow up" and accept that having a day job and going to the Alpes to have a ski vacation every now and then is all there is to life

Edited January 25, 2012 by Tatsumaru

[Jetsun]

I don't believe that you would ever become an empty shell by completely letting go, people will still have their essential characteristics, talents and interests. What is true to you will remain while all that has been imposed on you by conditioning will be gone. Young children still have their essential character or personality (which Sufi's call your essence) before adults have anxiously stuffed them full of ideas and beliefs about who they are, which is why all the Masters through history have had different characters and teaching styles even though they have fully let go, or died before they are dead, they still live through the individual personality in their body even if they are not attached to it. I think becoming who you really are by letting go of all that is false is one of the bravest things you can do because you are rebelling against all your parental and society pressures and conditionings so you risk loosing everything by walking on your own.

[Protector]

If you go chasing many birds at the same time, you wont catch any. Your desire to do all these things is what is getting in the way of what you could be doing right now instead of doing what you could do eventually in the future. That's why taoists do wu wei and wait for that right bird to land in their hand. Just relax and observe, I bet right now there is somewhere a bird waiting to land on your shoulder but you are scaring it.

[Tatsumaru]

I think becoming who you really are by letting go of all that is false is one of the bravest things you can do because you are rebelling against all your parental and society pressures and conditionings so you risk loosing everything by walking on your own.

Well I've never believed in what my parents wanted me to be. I tried but it just isn't me. And what I sit and talk to my mom she just does not understand me man. How is it possible to be so different from the one who gave birth to you. Sometimes I wonder if I'm adopted or something. Not that I care about it... Anyway what you say feels a lot like what I'm looking to achieve but I feel so lonely sometimes doubting everything and you know... finding my own truths and trying to create my own world inside of this one.

 

 

If you go chasing many birds at the same time, you wont catch any. Your desire to do all these things is what is getting in the way of what you could be doing right now instead of doing what you could do eventually in the future. That's why taoists do wu wei and wait for that right bird to land in their hand. Just relax and observe, I bet right now there is somewhere a bird waiting to land on your shoulder but you are scaring it.

I get it man, but I'm constantly afraid that life's too short to just sit and observe if you know what I mean. I have this fear in me that once I hit 40 it's over when it comes youthful energies and capabilities. I have this fear that in regards of energetic development one must start very young if he's to achieve something trully great different than "Hey I just started meditating and my back doesn't hurt anymore. It's really great to be a spiritual person..." You know what I mean, to me this is as pathetic as my current struggles.

Edited January 25, 2012 by Tatsumaru