Working Through the Pain

[Cat Pillar]

Fair warning - this is just an emo rant I needed to get off my chest.

 

---------------------------------

 

Lately my depression has returned in full, and I've been trying hard to deal with it effectively. Instead of running from it, I'm trying to work through...but it sure is tough.

 

Everything I'm dealing with seems to be heart-centric. That's where all the suffering is centered, and I feel it almost as a physical presence in my chest.

 

I've identified so many things about the...blockages, I guess you could call them...but it's hard for me to articulate them.

 

Loneliness, despair, and fear...those seem to be the core emotions rampaging through my heart. As I try to face these things, it's like peeling a scab off...the pain intensifies, and it feels like there's an open wound.

 

Right now, I can feel it...it's almost like a hole. As I work with these emotions, I try to feel them, sit with them...but experiencing them seems to sap my energy, drawing me closer in to that black and lonely place inside.

 

This despair...it's like an intense longing without an object. Nothing seems to soothe it, and all activities which seem to provide temporary relief appear to do no more than provide a momentary distraction from its experience.

 

When I am alone, and quiet, my attention is always drawn to the pain. I had hoped that by trying to feel, to sit with the pain, it would help to alleviate it, but so far it only seems to make it more present and noticeable. Ignoring it does no good, as then it builds up until it overflows into suicidal longing.

 

I'm not sure how to deal with these emotions. I want to be rid of them, but don't know how to make them go away. It's really hard to be constantly experiencing this level of despair, and I don't know how long I can keep it up. But I'm also afraid that if I don't acknowledge it, if I don't sit with it, it will build up again, and I won't be able to get through the inevitable suicidal phase that always follows a period of running from it. Each time I go through one, it's worse than the last.

 

What makes it harder, is knowing that it's all my fault, and I can't blame anyone for my pain but myself. Knowing that somehow I'm doing this to myself, and that all this despair is just some silly mind game I've failed to see through.

 

I hate spewing my filth onto the forum, especially for something that's entirely my responsibility to deal with...but at the same time, I feel like if I don't express it somehow, it'll eat away at me even faster.

 

Sometimes, I just can't help but feel that I suck at life.

[idiot_stimpy]

Love yourself now unconditionally.

 

If the answer comes back that you can't, then why can't you?

 

And if the answer comes back as a belief why you can't, then let go of that belief as it doesn't serve you.

Edited February 5, 2012 by jconnar

[RiverSnake]

I think i might understand a bit of what you're experiencing. I have had times due to my practices that i have just been depressed for no reason for a day or 2...feeling like a great void is opening up in my heart...about too swallow me whole into nothingness and that nothing really matters anymore.

 

Though your experiences sound a bit more intense and more prolonged than mine. All i can say is to keep riding it out no matter how long it takes, just persevere. IME these waves of depression are usually followed by or preceded by waves of bliss.

 

-My 2 cents, Peace

[Aetherous]

What makes it harder, is knowing that it's all my fault, and I can't blame anyone for my pain but myself.

 

It's not your fault...you've been trying to heal, so you've done your part. It's just the way it is for now, and everything changes.

 

I hate spewing my filth onto the forum

 

Contrary to what people seem to think....self expression is never filth. What's filth in my opinion, is hiding behind a facade of spiritual perfection and denying what you feel. Changing your behavior in order to achieve something. Maybe just to appease people.

 

Nah, what you're doing is pure honesty...and it's a blessing to this place. Feel free to bring ALL of your "filth" here.

 

especially for something that's entirely my responsibility to deal with

 

Well, it's your responsibility but you don't have to work at it alone. We're all here with you. And since you mentioned suicidal feelings, there are also professionals to talk with. I'm sure you have friends and family that care as well.

 

Sometimes, I just can't help but feel that I suck at life.

 

No way, man. You are still here, with a beating heart and breath flowing. And you happen to not be an evil bastard, so congratulations on succeeding at life.

 

Something that I personally like is this book...for cultivating good feelings.

[z00se]

 

What makes it harder, is knowing that it's all my fault, and I can't blame anyone for my pain but myself. Knowing that somehow I'm doing this to myself, and that all this despair is just some silly mind game I've failed to see through.

 

 

I don't know for sure but it sounds like an amphetamine comedown regardless of what it is your body is screwed up and totally out of balance. To me it sounds like what you're feeling is totally un-natural and you are on the way back foot of healing and just to get to where everybody else begins in their healing journey will be a great acheivement!

 

Well... just trust in your body that in time it will return to a normalish state (depending on how much u've stuffed up ur body) which then you can begin your tao practices to begin healing. Just find shit to pass the time, download some tv series' which you like to watch and just pass the time ur body will heal by it'self as long as you eat enough fruit, veges and meat and not too much junk food and get enough sleep. Then you can begin ur journey as long as you don't poison your body again!

[Gerard]

Lately my depression has returned in full...

 

Read this please:

 

http://www.sensiblehealth.com/Journey-07.xhtml

http://www.sacredlotus.com/diagnosis/patterns/patterns_liv_gb.cfm

 

Depression (blocked gallbladder). The excess fire ends up in the heart which clouds your mind with negative thoughts.

 

You need to act now using effective measures. Program to follow

 

1. TCM cleanse using specific herbal treatment

2. Drink plenty of filtered water and hot tea using fresh green tea leaves

3. Liver and gallbladder flush

 

Resources:

 

http://curezone.com/cleanse/liver/

http://www.hps-online.com/hliver2.htm

http://www.gentlestrengthacupuncture.com/Resources_LivCleanse.html

 

4. Diet: plenty of green leafy veggies (steamed), no greasy and spicy foods, no junk food, pig liver (good recipe here)

 

Useful foods if your liver qi is blocked: Lemon, lime or grapefruit, moderately pungent foods, spices and herbs, members of the onion family, mustard greens, cardamom, cumin, fennel, horseradish, various mints, lemon balm, angelica root, prickly ash bark. Also sweet rice, strawberry, peach, cherry, pine nuts, cabbage, turnip root, cauliflower, broccoli and brussel sprouts. Also sprouted grains, beans and seeds, fresh vegetables and fruit. Mushrooms, rye, asparagus, amaranth, quinoa, alfalfa, radish leaves, citrus peel, chaparral, bupleurum, chamomile, peony root, dandelion root.

 

Foods that relax the liver: Beef, chicken, liver, mussels, black sesame, kelp, plums, mulberries, celery, nori, lotus seeds, Chinese red dates and gotu kola.

 

Foods that activate the liver qi: Vinegar, amasake, beets, coconut milk, garlic, leeks, marjorams, safflower, basil, black pepper, dill seed, ginger, longan, rosemary, scallions, by leaves, cabbage, litchi, kohlrabi, saffron, peaches, oregano, tumeric, eggplant, chives, chestnuts.

 

Foods that also detoxify and cool the liver: Celery, seaweed, watercress, mung beans, lettuce, cucumber, tofu, millet, plum, rhubarb root or stem, daikon, radish, carrots, spinach, Swiss chard, kale, parsley.

 

Foods to avoid if you have a blocked liver qi: Foods high in saturated fats (such as lard, mammal meat, cream cheese and eggs), hydrogenated or poor quality foods (such as shortening, margarine, refined and rancid oils), deep fried, greasy, fatty foods, coffee, alcohol, food preservatives, excessively spicy foods, sugar and sweets, peanut butter, excesses of nuts and seeds, chemicals in food and water, all intoxicants and highly processed refined foods (refined flour products are hard on the Spleen and make it easier for the Liver to invade it).

 

5. Exercise. Liver (wood, yin) and GB (wood, yang) is a pair of wood-ruled organs that require plenty of movement: The liver stores blood, the heart circulates blood. When the body moves blood circulates in the channels and Qi follows, when at rest it flows back to the liver (Suwen). Circle walking for several hours around a tree in your local park/wood and earth element healing (repair the wood and absorb the excess fire). The ding shi ba zhang/eight fixed palms is a powerful healing set that removes all internal blockages and deeply cleanses your entire energetic, emotional and karmic systems if you have access to a teacher who can show it to you.

 

Edited February 5, 2012 by Gerard

[Cat Pillar]

bah, double post

Edited February 5, 2012 by Cat Pillar

[Cat Pillar]

I'd like to thank you all for your responses...making this thread has apparently been very cathartic for me.

 

I think I now see the true source of the despair, and it's not so serious that it can't be worked with.

 

I knew the answers were somewhere within, I just couldn't face them. In a way, it's strange that I was so averse...I understand the fear, but there was never any reason to let it get to me so much.

 

The loneliness and longing, one and the same. Longing to be who I really am, loneliness because that part of me was kept separate and unfulfilled.

 

Adherence to societal common sense and past ways of thinking/being, fear of rejection and great adversity, beliefs about what can and can't be done...all serving to mask the true cause of my instability.

 

I am not being myself...I am being that which I am taught to think I should be. That which I am prone to thinking I MUST be. Honor and obligation, responsibility and ethics...all clever masks to deceive the mind into perceiving something other than what is.

 

Things will never be the way I want them to be...but that doesn't mean that it isn't worth pursuing the essence behind the desire. While the form may never match the vision, the essence is universal.

 

To be true to myself, to live from the inner essence, is the highest of practices I can commit to. Other practices and purposes may come into being naturally as a result, but any practice is empty without the first. I have no need to fear any practice arising from my nature, and no need to indulge in any that are extraneous to it.

 

I have a lot of work ahead of me to integrate all this, but at least I feel like now I have some sort of guidance for what to do.

[Jetsun]

I'd like to thank you all for your responses...making this thread has apparently been very cathartic for me.

 

I think I now see the true source of the despair, and it's not so serious that it can't be worked with.

 

I knew the answers were somewhere within, I just couldn't face them. In a way, it's strange that I was so averse...I understand the fear, but there was never any reason to let it get to me so much.

 

The loneliness and longing, one and the same. Longing to be who I really am, loneliness because that part of me was kept separate and unfulfilled.

 

Adherence to societal common sense and past ways of thinking/being, fear of rejection and great adversity, beliefs about what can and can't be done...all serving to mask the true cause of my instability.

 

I am not being myself...I am being that which I am taught to think I should be. That which I am prone to thinking I MUST be. Honor and obligation, responsibility and ethics...all clever masks to deceive the mind into perceiving something other than what is.

 

Things will never be the way I want them to be...but that doesn't mean that it isn't worth pursuing the essence behind the desire. While the form may never match the vision, the essence is universal.

 

To be true to myself, to live from the inner essence, is the highest of practices I can commit to. Other practices and purposes may come into being naturally as a result, but any practice is empty without the first. I have no need to fear any practice arising from my nature, and no need to indulge in any that are extraneous to it.

 

I have a lot of work ahead of me to integrate all this, but at least I feel like now I have some sort of guidance for what to do.

 

I relate a lot to what you say here, realising how cut off from your essence you are is more painful than being completely asleep and oblivious to it like most people are, but hopefully it is a step closer to healing

[suninmyeyes]

 

This despair...it's like an intense longing without an object. Nothing seems to soothe it, and all activities which seem to provide temporary relief appear to do no more than provide a momentary distraction from its experience.

 

When I am alone, and quiet, my attention is always drawn to the pain. I had hoped that by trying to feel, to sit with the pain, it would help to alleviate it, but so far it only seems to make it more present and noticeable. Ignoring it does no good, as then it builds up until it overflows into suicidal longing.

 

I'm not sure how to deal with these emotions. I want to be rid of them, but don't know how to make them go away. It's really hard to be constantly experiencing this level of despair, and I don't know how long I can keep it up. But I'm also afraid that if I don't acknowledge it, if I don't sit with it, it will build up again, and I won't be able to get through the inevitable suicidal phase that always follows a period of running from it. Each time I go through one, it's worse than the last.

 

This longing is our own way . Our own way of being. It takes us Home.

It is a gift , a diamond wrapped up in thick layer of feces.

Following it with understanding could has a potential to abide in a peaceful way of being.

Suicidial longing needs to be explored. What is it that wants to die?

Could it be a sense of unsatisfaction that wants to die?

 

On my path I dived right into longing and longed hard without any reservations. Following that call that showes invisable map of my being and dissolves the pain.

Here is a Rumi poem that resonates with me:

 

Longing

 

Longing is the core of the Mystery.

Longing itself brings the cure.

The only rule is , Suffer the pain.

 

Your desire must be disciplined

and what you want to happen it time ,sacrificed.

[Protector]

Know what, I think I don't understand depression at aaaaaaaaall

 

And yet I think I might have had depression but didn't notice it. For a very long time I had a horrible diet, bad stuff happen to me, and it looked like I had it bad. I had more of a need to feel sad and scared at times because I thought it was fun and when I stopped feeling sad and scared I felt kinda weird for being full of joy and butterflies instead.

 

I liked to read these sad drama stories where the reader goes NOOOOOOO WHY U DO THAT, IF IT WERE ME I WOULD JUST GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR and then I go sad and it was fun. Then there are these scary things I would watch and go NO MORE NO MORE NO MORE AAAAAAA then minutes later I'd come back like, hey sup what did I miss.

 

I go through that sad scary stuff sometimes as more of a training type of thing. I wonder how it would be to feel worse about something. Depression seems to be more of a being sad 'just because'. It's more of a chemical thing that happens without any other reason so it's not being sad because something bad happened.

 

When something bad happens, people get different sorts of bad reactions and some don't, because they know better and don't want to waste time and just spring into action, or something. Sometimes I get the sad scared feeling for no reason and I just go watch some scary or sad stuff and have a reason now, it's more fun for me if I'm sad beforehand, kinda like taiji thing that makes double sad a not sad.

 

I once made some tea in a cup out of one weird piece of Chinese tea thing. That thing was meant to be put into a teapot but I didn't knew that and put it into a cup and it made such a horribly bitter death poison taste that I couldn't help but smile and drink the rest of it. YUM!

[Cat Pillar]

Depression doesn't always make sense, Sinfest.

 

I can see the possibility of chemical imbalance playing a role in my depression, especially since it's chronic.

 

But I can't help but feel that chemicals aren't the answer.

 

Certainly, my depression is not the result of anything bad that has happened to me...I'm sure there were bad times that contributed, but this seems to me to be a purely psychological issue.

 

Right now, I'm finding it's a matter of challenging my assumptions about the nature of the world I live in. I need to open my mind to the possibility that the world is not how I see it...and need to convince myself that it's worth seeing the world for what it really is.

 

I also have to start taking risks. I've played it safe for too long, and it's gotten me nowhere fast. The answers I need will only come from hard work and diligence. My fears have stopped me from testing the limits of my perception, and rather than uncover the truth I have chosen to hide behind uncertainty - as long as the question is undecided, I can rationalize ignoring it...I can rationalize maintaining the status quo.

 

Trusting myself is hard...but I'm coming to see that if I can't trust myself, I'll never be whole. I have to stop being afraid of myself. I have to stop being afraid of BEING myself.