Taoist Approach to Dating

[ffvii]

What would be the taoist approach to dating? things to do? not to do? expect and not expect?

[Protector]

Woah! This thread again, IIIIIIIIIIII'm outa here

[RiverSnake]

Do what's natural for you.

[konchog uma]

and don't expect anything.

[Green Tiger]

This might sound silly, and I'm not sure if it could actually be considered a 'Taoist' approach, but . . . I've been finding lately that the more I focus on my relationships with my male friends and relatives, the more I seem to be getting noticed by females. I have a feeling that this phenomenon (if it is not just my imagination) could have something to do with the interplay between yin and yang, but I don't know enough about yin/yang theory to extrapolate any further than that.

[Informer]

Just treat everyone the same, if something more comes of it then great, if not then great!

[Enishi]

Until one gets close enough to said natural state wherein they can at least feel grounded, happy and content even if they are currently single, any attempts at dating are really putting the cart in front of the horse imo.

 

If you are perpetually needy, you need to change that first, even if you have some limited success in dating you will just be throwing more wood on the neediness fire.

Edited February 24, 2012 by Enishi

[JohnC]

Do what's natural for you.

 

and don't expect anything.

 

END THREAD.

[idiot_stimpy]

People are told to be natural.

 

So they form an idea of what it is to be natural and hold it, instead of just being.

 

Letting go of needing is a good one.

[suninmyeyes]

For those who remain in, or are reinvigorated back to, a natural state, that may be a perfect answer. But, have you noticed that many here have either shared their own personal stories, or exhibited in their postings, that they are far from a *natural* state.

 

I suggest cultivating patience, trust, respect, openness, and a willingness to learn from one's (inter)actions.

 

The first three qualities took my relationships from OK to great!

I agree with you here on cultivating these .

But am genuinley curious what do you mean that people remain away from their natural state? How can someone be away from natural whatever s/he may be like? Is natural state something to be obtained for you/ or in Daoisam/ or practise you do (this is due to my lack of knowledge of Daoisam prehapes).

[Aetherous]

Go on the date with your only goal being: to have fun.

 

Not Taoist; Scottyist.

[suninmyeyes]

People are told to be natural.

 

So they form an idea of what it is to be natural and hold it, instead of just being.

 

Letting go of needing is a good one.

Yeah I agree with this. This is important.

So even if we get imposibble and unpleasent - it is still natural (but necesarily pleasent) . As it is natural that we may come to realise what hurts us and others and try to improve.

I think it has to with understanding of ones own emotinal make up.

What is unecessary weight is a guilt and often looks very unnatrual.

Guilt is not sheek or stylish at all.

[Cheshire Cat]

A taoist always try to remain centered in Tao.

 

When you are dating, you are polarized in order to get sexua...ehm a lovely relation.

 

If you have desire for dating, then you have not attained the Tao.

In this case, a true taoist will meditate until the Tao of Wu-Wei is achieved

and then follow the natural flow of nature that could eventually lead to a relationship... or not. The important thing is Wu-Wei.

 

So, there is no taoist approach to dating... but "being in the Tao" which is wordless.

[NeiChuan]

Do what's natural for you.

 

This. Also, don't always worry if the person isn't exactly compatible. Sometimes it's the ones that're most incompatible that teach us the most about ourselves, or about things in general.

 

have fun too

[三江源]

.

Edited March 18, 2015 by 三江源

[mYTHmAKER]

why impose such a goal?

 

yes

wu wei all the way

[Aetherous]

why impose such a goal?

 

I'm surprised someone would ask that. There are a multitude of reasons.

[Vanir Thunder Dojo Tan]

and don't expect anything.

 

 

Like, in my case, a date :lol:

[Harmonious Emptiness]

learn through experience

 

seek a balance of energies (you should be able to offer your yangness to complement her yinness. If you feel a harmony with the person then you will both benefit. Of course, you should have some of the other energy as well)

 

avoid powerful attachment (sounds crazy to the Western ideals of love, but that ideal is often based more on need and possession than selflessness)

 

right timing, don't force anything, honour yourself

 

cultivation, build and continue moving forward with momentum

[Owledge]

This might sound silly, and I'm not sure if it could actually be considered a 'Taoist' approach, but . . . I've been finding lately that the more I focus on my relationships with my male friends and relatives, the more I seem to be getting noticed by females. I have a feeling that this phenomenon (if it is not just my imagination) could have something to do with the interplay between yin and yang, but I don't know enough about yin/yang theory to extrapolate any further than that.

Wise to leave other options open. It could, for example, also be based on a shallow mental conditioning: women being told that men that don't pay attention to them are more desirable.

It could also be that they sense the qualities of respect and social competence in you and react to that.

[markern]

This actually comes pretty close IMO:

 

You don't really need to do or say much of anything.

 

There is already tension between men and women. By definition that tension is sexual. It's always lurking just beneath the surface. If it was acceptable I believe people everywhere would be having care-free sex with multiple partners all the time. This tension is so dangerous it often leads to complete strangers having sex in less than 10 minutes. This tension is why some men feel the need to cover women head to toe in burkas. It's also why women know it's dangerous to put themselves in a situation where they are alone with you.

 

Do Less, Not More

 

Just by showing up, without doing anything, there is already sexual tension between you and women. It is natural and automatic.

 

That means:

 

1) There is really nothing "special" you need to do or say

 

2) Most women are already naturally attracted to you

 

Anti-Manifesto

 

It is my belief that it's not so much as you need to do or say "special" things to CREATE attraction as much as you just need to NOT do the small things that reduce the sexual tension that is already there. And eventually kill it forever.

 

- talking

- laughing

- reacting

- fidgeting

- bailing her out

- supplicating facial expressions

 

I consider this an anti-manifesto because most strategies usually focus on what you need to do or say. There is nothing to say. There is nothing to do.

 

Your whole life you have been doing things to lessen tension. You have always tried to make everybody else around you feel more comfortable at your own expense. You do this with your friends, your co-workers and especially the women you like. When things get tense or awkward you're the big clown making everyone laugh and feel comfortable. Even when girls reject you, you are more worried about their comfort level than your own. You don't want her to feel awkward. Aw!

 

This is bad because doing things to help women feel more comfortable with the sexual tension will be viewed by her as supplication. A woman is never going to be attracted to a man that can handle LESS sexual tension than she can.

 

In the end it always seems to come down to who wins the little tension battles:

 

Eye Contact: who is going to look away first

Introduction: who pulls their hand away first

Silence: who gives in and talks first

Resistance: who tries to diffuse the awkward moment first

Who breaks down and needs to have a talk about "what is going on" first

 

Lets look at a few subtle ways guys reduce the sexual tension in their interactions with women:

 

Opening & Silence

 

The reduction of tension starts right away. Most guys will use a social opener or make up an excuse to start the conversation. This may help you and her both feel comfortable, but is that really such a good idea?

 

Right from the beginning guys are scared of silences. In fact right after you introduce yourself you want to pause for a second and give her a chance to contribute. Instead what guys usually do is just assume it's their job to talk and entertain the whole time. It all comes off as they are trying to qualify themselves instead of the other way around. (The person talking is the person qualifying). When silence happens, as it always will, who feels the pressure to talk first.

 

Seductive Listening & Facial Expressions

 

Another way guys break sexual tension is by making supplicating facial expressions when listening. Instead of using this opportunity to bask in the natural tension of the moment guys get wide-eyed, flash goofy smiles and do lots of head nodding. And don't forget the nervous throw away lines like "oh my god that's so funny". Instead you want to keep relatively quiet and use more of a blank stare when listening. Similar to a poker players face. By listening intently but not giving her much feedback she will feel like she needs to qualify herself to you.

 

Escalation & Resistance

 

Anytime you get verbal or physical resistance there will be even more tension in the air. This is good news. Resistance is great! But if you react to the resistance verbally (ie. trying to diffuse the awkwardness by making a joke) you will kill that tension. The same thing happens if you look sad and become pouty. If you don't react to her resistance it never becomes real. It's not official. It's like it never happened. Being unreactive and keeping composed lets you be very persistent without coming across needy.

 

Tests/Asd

 

Many times it's not just you. When women become aroused they will try to reduce the tension by baiting you to break rapport. Of course you fall for this trap because you think you need to break rapport to create sexual tension. See the problem? The sexual tension is already there.

 

Even witty comebacks and reframes can reduce tension. As such, tests are best handled this way. Hold seductive eye contact, smile and turn your head away slowly. If her test is due to a legitimate sexual comfort issue then your response can be delivered in a sexual but serious tone.

 

ie.

 

~ We are not having sex tonight.

 

We're both adults. We will do whatever we are comfortable with.

 

Bailing Her Out

 

When you ask women to exchange numbers, meet up or come home with you, you should just ask her and then shut the F@#$ up. When women start stalling or making excuses guys always seem to bail them out by saying something. They crumble under the pressure.

 

Instead don't say anything and move slightly closer to her. Let the awkward moment linger. The pressure is on her. Let her feel bad for breaking rapport with you. If you can just keep your mouth shut long enough women will often come around on their own and agree to whatever you were asking for.

 

A good rule is to always choose the option that produces the most tension. For example if you want to set up a meet it's better to call girls vs. text them. When you text girls you let them off the hook and make it easy for them to say NO. Of course it's even better if you ask her out face to face. Anytime a woman thinks you are doing something because you fear tension (ie. using a bet as an excuse to ask her out) she is going to lose attraction for you.

 

Risk Creepy

 

As I have discussed before you want to embrace awkwardness and risk creepy. You want her breathing heavy and get her heart beating faster. That's because these symptoms mimic the signs of her being attracted. This tension is a good thing. You want it to be a bit awkward. You don't want things to feel too comfortable.

 

How Dare You!

 

Not breaking the tension can be even harder for new guys with less experience. You will be tested more. Women will look at you like how dare you be so confident. Plus, if you think of yourself as not traditionally "good looking" you will automatically think you need to DO STUFF to make women attracted to you.

 

Actually it's just the opposite. Guys need to do less. The things you are doing now might be getting reactions, but they are also reducing the tension. It's very subtle but when guys believe they don't have a shot with a woman, they say or do things to sabotage their chances. The funny thing is at the beginning the sexual tension and attraction was there. But because they didn't believe she was attracted, that tension made them feel awkward. So of course they were the ones to break it off first.

 

The key to assuming attraction is to remember that on some level there is already sexual tension between you and most women. This tension exists naturally. An automatic connection if you will. As such, your focus shouldn't be on what "special things" you need to say or do, but rather just on not breaking the natural tension and attraction that is already present.

 

Do less.

 

 

60

 

http://www.pualounge.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=52&t=2357

[Harmonious Emptiness]

This actually comes pretty close IMO:

 

You don't really need to do or say much of anything.

 

...

 

http://www.pualounge.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=52&t=2357

 

Maybe useful for the over anxious palm sweaty guy, but I think women see through someone who's trying to follow so many rules. How do you pick a woman up and never laugh, and to not break awkwardness with conversation? What are you supposed to do? Look deep in her eye and touch her hand?? Hey Obiwan, if you works for you!

 

edit: "if it works for you" though the mistake is better....

 

oh, and markern, not directed at you....

Edited March 15, 2012 by Harmonious Emptiness

[Birch]

The PUA is back! It's springtime in many places:-)

Just make it easy for a woman to be with you. Stop jumping through hoops and attempting to make other people jump through them as well.

 

Personally, I hate all that negging and shit-testing rubbish. It's possible I've already decided what category I'm putting you in within 5 minutes before you've got your "game" on. If you're gaming, expect a little return. Sometimes it takes a little longer (like a few months).

 

I dunno, it's just not something I find fun. At all.

 

----possibly showing myself up to be wrong alert---

 

But seriously, I hate PUA, dishonest f$ckwits

[zanshin]

Being awkward, moving slower, and not talking and schmoozing so much isn't creepy, a little awkwardness is actually charming. Schmoozing, touching too much and too quickly, and trying to immediately isolate her from her friends is creepy. MAnipulation and negging is probably a good way to pick up an insecure girl. The "don't be afraid to be creepy" technique is actually probably a good way to pick up a girl who wants to take care of you and be your mom.

[zerostao]

" Stop jumping through hoops and attempting to make other people jump through them as well."

agreed but i think hula hooping is alright.

hoopty hoop get yer hoop on

 

"and trying to immediately isolate her from her friends is creepy" is way creepy and sometimes it is the female trying to keep the guy away from his friends.

 

"right timing, don't force anything, honour yourself" yeppers