Resolving My Relationship With My Father

[GreytoWhite]

This is kind of upsetting my balance right now. I think I found my father on Facebook and I found his PO box address online as well. I'm writing a letter to him at the moment. It will probably go through about three or four drafts. My father's abandonment of my family was really hard to deal with and it's only as an adult that I came to see why he would leave, I can't stand my mother either. I don't have much in the way of expectations and I'm prepared not to receive any response whatsoever. I'm treading on unknown territory here and if anyone has any advice they can provide in regards to processing this emotionally and spiritually I would be greatly appreciative.

[Protector]

Have a clear head and make sure the letter would be the same no matter in what mood you were when you wrote it

[thelerner]

Have a clear head and make sure the letter would be the same no matter in what mood you were when you wrote it

good answer.

 

I'd add, write with the end game in mind. Figure out what you'd like from him and see if you could guide the conversation slowly and subtly in that direction.

 

Negative example: So..have you been to a cemetery lately??

 

 

or positive-

 

We share many bonds. I'd like to get to know you again

[Aaron]

This is kind of upsetting my balance right now. I think I found my father on Facebook and I found his PO box address online as well. I'm writing a letter to him at the moment. It will probably go through about three or four drafts. My father's abandonment of my family was really hard to deal with and it's only as an adult that I came to see why he would leave, I can't stand my mother either. I don't have much in the way of expectations and I'm prepared not to receive any response whatsoever. I'm treading on unknown territory here and if anyone has any advice they can provide in regards to processing this emotionally and spiritually I would be greatly appreciative.

 

I would recommend that you ask yourself what you want out of this. Keep in mind that what you want and what your father wants may be two different things, your lives are very different, all because of what happened many years ago, and nothing you do can change that. He left you and even if he makes amends it wont erase what's happened, so please keep in mind that what's important now is what's best for you.

 

On a personal note, my father drifted in and out of my life throughout my childhood, and my mother finally left us when I was sixteen and I didn't hear from her for two years after that, then just one phone call. I finally got to see her about six months after that phone call, you see my father went up to save her but by then it was too late, she had become an alcoholic and had married a man that was abusive towards her. It was painful to see what had happened, even though she had left I still loved her at that time. I don't anymore.

 

These days I don't talk to my mother and my father passed on when I was 21. I have moved on as best as I can. I'm not a child anymore, so my duty, to myself and those that I love that are near me, is to remember that my past does not define me, but rather those things I do in the hear and now do.

 

If you do decide to contact your father, please keep in mind that he might not be the man you remember or the man you want him to be. Things change and so have you, so be ready for that and make sure and have someone close by to talk to if things don't go the way you would've liked.

 

You're in my thoughts and I hope everything turns out for the best, whatever that might be.

 

Aaron

Edited April 7, 2012 by Twinner

[Clarity]

Having a clear mind would also mean that you have some neutrality. The number one issue I feel around not being neutral would be a fear of rejection.

 

By going to your centerline, we can make you strong to any rejecting experiences. That would be your experiences of being rejected, your experiences of rejecting others, and your experience of other people rejecting each other. Then we delete the cumulative effect of all your rejection experiences.

 

Also, your experiences of rejection and acceptance would need to be even as well, so we do the same as above.

 

Having no expectations is a good way to get around any kind of disappointment.

 

Clearly it's painful to lose a parent when we are young.

 

When you are writing that letter, you might remember that you don't have to send it. That would help resolve any fear of saying the wrong thing (that's a correction). Say what you need to say, then decide what you really want to send him. Even if it's just something simple like, "Who are you?"

[GreytoWhite]

A little background, my father left when I was 3 and my sister might have been 2 at the time. I have about four memories of him. One was when my mom's car blew up when I was about 16 months old. The next was him sitting in the chair smoking a cigarette and being very angry. After he left I only ever saw him twice, once at a truck stop because he was driving through town and once at my home. I have very little information about him except what little my mom and grandfather told me. My grandfather was highly unreliable though and my mom usually acted like he never existed.

 

Ultimately I would like a medical history and some idea of his ethnic heritage other than that he's Mexican/Native American. I would also like to get a list of my half siblings, I only know of three from the woman he was married to before my mom and only talked to my older half sister once when I was 6. I'm sure there are more siblings out there.

[Moonbar]

good answer.

 

I'd add, write with the end game in mind. Figure out what you'd like from him and see if you could guide the conversation slowly and subtly in that direction.

 

Negative example: So..have you been to a cemetery lately??

 

 

or positive-

 

We share many bonds. I'd like to get to know you again

 

 

My father also left when i was 5, i didnt see him again till 20yrs later - im very happy i did make the effort to see him as i was able to introduce him to his grand daughter ... just before he died

[Aaron]

A little background, my father left when I was 3 and my sister might have been 2 at the time. I have about four memories of him. One was when my mom's car blew up when I was about 16 months old. The next was him sitting in the chair smoking a cigarette and being very angry. After he left I only ever saw him twice, once at a truck stop because he was driving through town and once at my home. I have very little information about him except what little my mom and grandfather told me. My grandfather was highly unreliable though and my mom usually acted like he never existed.

 

Ultimately I would like a medical history and some idea of his ethnic heritage other than that he's Mexican/Native American. I would also like to get a list of my half siblings, I only know of three from the woman he was married to before my mom and only talked to my older half sister once when I was 6. I'm sure there are more siblings out there.

 

Hello Mithshrike,

 

Again the similarities... I have two half-sisters from my father's first marriage, both are much older than I, in fact both are nearly old enough to be my parents. My father abandoned them before I was born and I didn't learn about them until after he had died. I have made no attempt to contact them, simply because I know that if I did, it would bring up a painful past.

 

Now I'm not telling you not to contact your father or half-siblings, I just don't want to see you get hurt because you have expectations about what is going to happen. I would suggest that you go into this with as few expectations as possible. Don't expect to be accepted or that they'll be happy to see you, or that everything will turn out alright and you'll finally have the loving parent you deserve, because the likelihood that these things are going to happen is slim. Well, I can't really say that, because I don't know your father or half-siblings, but what I can say is that your father had plenty of opportunities to be your father, but didn't, so don't go into this expecting him to start now.

 

You have my sympathy, as someone who's experienced something similar, it's a bitch and it's not fair (or at least doesn't seem so), but what can we do about it? I really do hope that you have the best possible outcome here, I just hate to see you get your hopes up and then get hurt again.

 

Aaron

Edited April 7, 2012 by Twinner