Dealing with Loneliness

[BlueMonk91]

Hello I am a 20 year old male from london. I've been a bit of a loner all of my life up to now. Never really had close friends or girlfriends etc. I was bullied throughout school even girls would call me names and although I thought I dealt with it quite well at the time. On reflection It brings me great sadness that I look back and can't remember a happy or time or an occasion where I felt I belonged in some way.

 

I feel as if though as though there is a negative cycle created by my experience so far. Being isolated and invalidated throughout my youth when you most want to be accepted, has turned me into a defensive person and has probably contributed to some emotional imbalance, I get the impression people are uncomfortable around me because I project my negative experiences onto them. My mum says I look both worried and as if im holding back tears all the time. Im coming toward the end of my first year at University and it's been more of the same. I've never been really bitter and angry because it's always been this way as early as I can remember just feeling like an outsider everywhere I go. Im not of those people who immediately blames other people for my problem, if the patterns in my life are consistent surely im doing something wrong and need to make a change.

 

Basically im asking does taoism have anything to say about loneliness and how to deal with loneliness?

How do you break the negative cycle and stop bringing ones negative experiences and loneliness to every encounter with a new person which prevent the possibility of friendship and possible connections.

 

Thanks,

[Birch]

I suppose Bhuddism would say something similar about negative cycles. Maybe Taoism would suggest that at some point anything has to transform, but I'm only really saying what I think I like about what I think I understand about both (which is not very much).

 

Bear in mind also the wider society that we're in where more and more people are "Bowling Alone". Another recent TED talk points to this too. So what part in any of that are you going to attribute responsibility to yourself for?

 

Some people say "All of it" which I have some truck to disagree with. Anyway, what I get is that you're feeling this way right now. You're not alone. In fact I'm slap bang in similar. A good 'festive' weekend when everyone is supposed to be enjoying the warmth of friends and family tends to kick that feeling off for me. Of course I chose to leave my family very far behind for very personal reasons but it's not to say I still don't envy what I think I don't have when I think I'm supposed to have it because I think everyone else does.

 

Which is basically a stupid thought-process

 

I think I have an idea that Taoists go off and leave people behind. Why they do that isn't clear exactly.

 

Edit to add:

Edited April 9, 2012 by -K-

[Turiya]

hi Bluemonk,

 

Thank you for sharing your experiences.

 

To be honest what you I think everyone goes through lonliness in their life. I have been through that too, especially during high school and school years, but even in adult years. I was a bit of a nerd and weirdo so bullies would pick on me, and I would always feel awkard around the opposite sex.

 

All of this is conditioning. You asked if taoism, chi kung will help, and I say yes. Taoism, chi kung, yoga and other forms of spiritual knowledge and wisdom, religion, science are all ways that our mind, body, spirit goes through to learn about ourselves. Through the art of chi kung, you may be able to experience peace, balance, happiness, bliss, through buddism you may experienc nirvana etc.

 

All of this is ultimately the same. It is god, love, that which is beyond, the true self which we seek.

 

Your mind might be telling you, you need more friends, or friends that understand, or I need a girlfriend or boyfriend. But honestly these are all superficial things. I can guarantee you, if you get a girlfriend, wife, a best friend you will still run into conflicts and problems and you will still have that inner lonliness you have been feeling.

 

This lonliness is actually a blessing in disguise. Why is it a blessing? Life can be explained to work like yin and yang, bitter to sweet. Now the lonliness is bitter, but it will turn to sweetness, it can only go to that. But don't let this knowledge be taken by the mind and twisted so you become so confidence and cocky that you think the opposite of lonliness will come.

 

What I'm trying to say is that lonliness is a blessing because in it, it has brought you this far, brought you to this forum and has made you search. This search is what triggers our journey to discover the self, truth, and love, whatever you define it as. This means there is a seed, a glimmer of hope in the darkness for you to find ultimate salvation. For you to find that fountain where you will never be thirsty again, for you to find your true self, true love where you never need another to love you. In truth there is no other.. mother, father, friends, family, all people, animals, beings you meet and encounter is actually yourself, including your own body. Most people go through life or death, or profound chi kung, or spirtual experiences in order to experience this oneness or understanding. This taste proves without a doubt that all is one and interconnected. It cannot be something understood or comphrended by the mind as the mind always seperates and segregates.

 

Some practical advice:

 

first realize, stop thinking of the past, the more you think of your persona, and person and events in the past the more you create that reality, the past is dead, and your personality is not even real, but this is for you to realize maybe later, right now

 

If you feel lonely because you have no friends; go and make friends, but I tell you now that ultimately all friends you make will come and go and will not quelch that true lonliness you feel, no body in this world can understand your mind and you, because ultimately it is your own world, the next step when you are ready is to realize that you are not even real.. the you, persona, mental image of yourself is not real, yes the body is real yes the mind is real, but your idea of i is not real.. this may sound confusing at first but when the time is right you will understand

 

if you feel lonely because you feel you need a girlfriend, to love and hug you; get a girlfriend, from this too you will learn that despite the hugging, the kissing, the sex, and the good times of going out and enjoying each other company there will be bad times and ultimately you will still feel alone, this I can promise you. There is no perfect relationship in the world, a relationship implies two.. until one realize the truth of one only, and there is no seperation, then only can there be real love and peace

 

but this is theory, so go out and make friends and girlfriend, you have to experience for yourself, go and enjoy and taste it. You can't sit like a monk and think oh if I get a girlfriend or friends it will still be nothing at the end, you have to experience, taste, learn and not be caught up in it, and then you will learn naturally on your own. Trust me in this, as I've been there and shaved my head bald and sat like a monk and lived like a monk for years, its a method that only works for few, most must taste life to overcome and learn from it. So I say experience it, and witness the experience at the back of your mind so you don't get ever too caught in it. Then a time will come and you will see that the lonliness is still there.

 

If it interest you, look into spirtual stuff like yoga, enlightment, zen, taoism, chi kung etc. These knowledge will bring a greater understanding and will give pointers to understanding your lonliness. But even they are like the girlfriend and friends that come and go, they are all dead and second knowledge. Ultimately, they are there to help you, like a boat on your journey across the sea, but when you reach the shore you must abondon the boat not carry it with you. So to, if it interest you, go and learn these things, but do not get caught up in the theories, the movements, and become full of yourself.. because this happens to many, the knowledge gives them a sense of worth, and power, but ultimately if they look fully into themselves they will still find that empty, unfulilled feeling

 

after you have gone through all of this, there may come ideas of of getting a wife, of getting a car, and job, and material things, these things, I tell you to get into as well, so that way you can experience and learn from them, but don't get caught in them.

 

When you have experience and done everything life can give you, you will still find this lonliness, because it is your true self, and the wonder and beauty of life trying to teach you what is real, what is profound, what is true, and that is YOU.. and I don't mean the YOU as in your own self image, or the way you are perceiving yourself now, as your mind, ideas and body, it is the real you which is beyond words and comphrension.

 

This is where your real journey starts and at this point I cannot tell you what happens next because truth, life, is always spontatnous, new and will bring what is needed to you for you, to learn, grow and to find yourself.

 

There will be ups and downs, time when you feel loved, alone, hated, not hated, this or that, all of this you will endure to understand the full range of human psyche, emotion and being

 

The best way to paint it, is if you are a spirit coming into this human world of existence as a temporary journey to learn what it is like to be a human and to transcend it by realizing that you are not just human, but everything and beyond, not in the mind, cocky ego way, but in a truthful understanding that you will just simply know when the time comes..

 

but also don't let time deillusion you, as even time and space are illusions, this sounds ridiculous and does not make sense but ironically in time because the mind operates in time, the mind will know its place

 

Keep to yourself, know thyself

 

Mind will ask questions, and you will go searching, in the end, the home, the ultimate, the solution to the lonliness you seek, will actually be right where you are, you will then laugh and realize that the journey was never needed, yet needed, that you were never alone, that it is just a concept in your mind, despite the feeling, your attention gives the idea so much power based on memories in past and project future, and ultimately an identity in a false you, that you are lonely. When you realize you are not, then you will realize who is there to be lonely?

 

Ask who is it that is lonely.. really ask and find the answer.. if you say your name, is it simply that? isn't your name just a sound.. that isn't you.. is it your body? your body is only made up of parts, take away your arm, legs and you are still there.. even your mind you are still there.. how? because how can you not be there to realize your mind is gone.. something must still be there.. that real you.. which cannot be touched or described, keep going deeper and deeper in.. these are all signpost and pointers not the ultimately truth, you have to go, ask and receive, search and find

 

My best wishes and energies to you!

[Harmonious Emptiness]

Well, if you're used to loneliness, then that could be an advantage as in a way it makes you more independent and more able to be an outsider and think differently than "the herd." This is useful for Taoists, since Taoists like to know why things work, and that is more difficult when thought patterns are pre-determined by what is already deemed true or acceptable. So being a loner has it's advantages so long as you can embrace it as a "leader of one."

 

Either way, learn to love yourself and you will be able to love others. Everyone deserves to have pride in themselves so long as they remain open to others.

[BlueMonk91]

Well, if you're used to loneliness, then that could be an advantage as in a way it makes you more independent and more able to be an outsider and think differently than "the herd." This is useful for Taoists, since Taoists like to know why things work, and that is more difficult when thought patterns are pre-determined by what is already deemed true or acceptable. So being a loner has it's advantages so long as you can embrace it as a "leader of one."

 

Either way, learn to love yourself and you will be able to love others. Everyone deserves to have pride in themselves so long as they remain open to others.

 

How do you learn to love yourself when you have no experience of memories of love. Do I find have to find some way of developing a sense of self worth in isolation from others before I can learn to become open. I think I need to find some way of letting go of all the memories of bullying and being laughed at day after day at school, before I can see myself as a "leader of one". I try to look at it that way sometimes but it feels so inauthentic because deep down I just want to be accepted which I think is a basic human need.

[Tom Lin]

How do you learn to love yourself when you have no experience of memories of love. Do I find have to find some way of developing a sense of self worth in isolation from others before I can learn to become open. I think I need to find some way of letting go of all the memories of bullying and being laughed at day after day at school, before I can see myself as a "leader of one". I try to look at it that way sometimes but it feels so inauthentic because deep down I just want to be accepted which I think is a basic human need.

 

Memories of love? Love is like a mother taking care of a child, without seeking any rewards in the end. You would not be here right now if it were not for love.

 

 

So what is true love? Love is distorted in our society. People think that love is something you seek or something that is romantic. One must give love to themselves (forgiveness) and to others.

 

You must give love to other people without any expectations. Give them your attention when you are conversing with them, as well as being kind to other people. You cannot except them to reciprocate this love, because that distorts love....if you are excepting love in return from others then that becomes hate/take because your intention is not that of giving love to others anymore...you would be giving love because you want something out of it.

 

 

Forgive yourself and others and understand that society has distorted and disconnected people from this love and that is why you were bullied and felt disempowered by others. Put yourself into those moments in your life and re-live, then understand those moments and people and forgive them.

 

 

 

hi Bluemonk,

 

Thank you for sharing your experiences.

 

To be honest what you I think everyone goes through lonliness in their life. I have been through that too, especially during high school and school years, but even in adult years. I was a bit of a nerd and weirdo so bullies would pick on me, and I would always feel awkard around the opposite sex.

 

All of this is conditioning. You asked if taoism, chi kung will help, and I say yes. Taoism, chi kung, yoga and other forms of spiritual knowledge and wisdom, religion, science are all ways that our mind, body, spirit goes through to learn about ourselves. Through the art of chi kung, you may be able to experience peace, balance, happiness, bliss, through buddism you may experienc nirvana etc.

 

All of this is ultimately the same. It is god, love, that which is beyond, the true self which we seek.

 

Your mind might be telling you, you need more friends, or friends that understand, or I need a girlfriend or boyfriend. But honestly these are all superficial things. I can guarantee you, if you get a girlfriend, wife, a best friend you will still run into conflicts and problems and you will still have that inner lonliness you have been feeling.

 

This lonliness is actually a blessing in disguise. Why is it a blessing? Life can be explained to work like yin and yang, bitter to sweet. Now the lonliness is bitter, but it will turn to sweetness, it can only go to that. But don't let this knowledge be taken by the mind and twisted so you become so confidence and cocky that you think the opposite of lonliness will come.

 

What I'm trying to say is that lonliness is a blessing because in it, it has brought you this far, brought you to this forum and has made you search. This search is what triggers our journey to discover the self, truth, and love, whatever you define it as. This means there is a seed, a glimmer of hope in the darkness for you to find ultimate salvation. For you to find that fountain where you will never be thirsty again, for you to find your true self, true love where you never need another to love you. In truth there is no other.. mother, father, friends, family, all people, animals, beings you meet and encounter is actually yourself, including your own body. Most people go through life or death, or profound chi kung, or spirtual experiences in order to experience this oneness or understanding. This taste proves without a doubt that all is one and interconnected. It cannot be something understood or comphrended by the mind as the mind always seperates and segregates.

 

Some practical advice:

 

first realize, stop thinking of the past, the more you think of your persona, and person and events in the past the more you create that reality, the past is dead, and your personality is not even real, but this is for you to realize maybe later, right now

 

If you feel lonely because you have no friends; go and make friends, but I tell you now that ultimately all friends you make will come and go and will not quelch that true lonliness you feel, no body in this world can understand your mind and you, because ultimately it is your own world, the next step when you are ready is to realize that you are not even real.. the you, persona, mental image of yourself is not real, yes the body is real yes the mind is real, but your idea of i is not real.. this may sound confusing at first but when the time is right you will understand

 

if you feel lonely because you feel you need a girlfriend, to love and hug you; get a girlfriend, from this too you will learn that despite the hugging, the kissing, the sex, and the good times of going out and enjoying each other company there will be bad times and ultimately you will still feel alone, this I can promise you. There is no perfect relationship in the world, a relationship implies two.. until one realize the truth of one only, and there is no seperation, then only can there be real love and peace

 

but this is theory, so go out and make friends and girlfriend, you have to experience for yourself, go and enjoy and taste it. You can't sit like a monk and think oh if I get a girlfriend or friends it will still be nothing at the end, you have to experience, taste, learn and not be caught up in it, and then you will learn naturally on your own. Trust me in this, as I've been there and shaved my head bald and sat like a monk and lived like a monk for years, its a method that only works for few, most must taste life to overcome and learn from it. So I say experience it, and witness the experience at the back of your mind so you don't get ever too caught in it. Then a time will come and you will see that the lonliness is still there.

 

If it interest you, look into spirtual stuff like yoga, enlightment, zen, taoism, chi kung etc. These knowledge will bring a greater understanding and will give pointers to understanding your lonliness. But even they are like the girlfriend and friends that come and go, they are all dead and second knowledge. Ultimately, they are there to help you, like a boat on your journey across the sea, but when you reach the shore you must abondon the boat not carry it with you. So to, if it interest you, go and learn these things, but do not get caught up in the theories, the movements, and become full of yourself.. because this happens to many, the knowledge gives them a sense of worth, and power, but ultimately if they look fully into themselves they will still find that empty, unfulilled feeling

 

after you have gone through all of this, there may come ideas of of getting a wife, of getting a car, and job, and material things, these things, I tell you to get into as well, so that way you can experience and learn from them, but don't get caught in them.

 

When you have experience and done everything life can give you, you will still find this lonliness, because it is your true self, and the wonder and beauty of life trying to teach you what is real, what is profound, what is true, and that is YOU.. and I don't mean the YOU as in your own self image, or the way you are perceiving yourself now, as your mind, ideas and body, it is the real you which is beyond words and comphrension.

 

This is where your real journey starts and at this point I cannot tell you what happens next because truth, life, is always spontatnous, new and will bring what is needed to you for you, to learn, grow and to find yourself.

 

There will be ups and downs, time when you feel loved, alone, hated, not hated, this or that, all of this you will endure to understand the full range of human psyche, emotion and being

 

The best way to paint it, is if you are a spirit coming into this human world of existence as a temporary journey to learn what it is like to be a human and to transcend it by realizing that you are not just human, but everything and beyond, not in the mind, cocky ego way, but in a truthful understanding that you will just simply know when the time comes..

 

but also don't let time deillusion you, as even time and space are illusions, this sounds ridiculous and does not make sense but ironically in time because the mind operates in time, the mind will know its place

 

Keep to yourself, know thyself

 

Mind will ask questions, and you will go searching, in the end, the home, the ultimate, the solution to the lonliness you seek, will actually be right where you are, you will then laugh and realize that the journey was never needed, yet needed, that you were never alone, that it is just a concept in your mind, despite the feeling, your attention gives the idea so much power based on memories in past and project future, and ultimately an identity in a false you, that you are lonely. When you realize you are not, then you will realize who is there to be lonely?

 

Ask who is it that is lonely.. really ask and find the answer.. if you say your name, is it simply that? isn't your name just a sound.. that isn't you.. is it your body? your body is only made up of parts, take away your arm, legs and you are still there.. even your mind you are still there.. how? because how can you not be there to realize your mind is gone.. something must still be there.. that real you.. which cannot be touched or described, keep going deeper and deeper in.. these are all signpost and pointers not the ultimately truth, you have to go, ask and receive, search and find

 

My best wishes and energies to you!

 

 

Fantastic post.

Edited April 9, 2012 by Tom Lin

[Harmonious Emptiness]

....

 

Forgive yourself and others and understand that society has distorted and disconnected people from this love and that is why you were bullied and felt disempowered by others. Put yourself into those moments in your life and re-live, then understand those moments and people and forgive them.

 

 

I couldn't have said it better myself, especially the part quoted above.

 

 

 

Excellent post by Turiya as well..

 

What you are seeing here too is that people who treat other's like sh*t have a long way to grow. It's like when a crazy crack head says "you %*$&%*$&$& go and %&%$&$&$&$&*#*" you just think "man, I feel bad for that dude, he must be suffering something serious" you know? Not that you want to see the weakness of every person, but you can see the balance and accept that they are not perfect, that you are not perfect, and that we are all on a crazy journey to reach perfection one day at a time. Forgiveness is not all that easy but as it says in Proverbs "stone is heavy and sand is weighty, but who can suffer the provocation of a fool?... The one who can conquer himself is mightier than he who takes the city."

 

By the way, a good place to meet people can be in activist type groups, which abound in Universities. It's an easy way to break the ice and do something rewarding with your energy and spare time. Just don't have any presumptions about the relationships that will develop or what you will or should get out it. Keep reading the Tao Te Ching and things to help develop yourself. University is a time to reinvent yourself. Just avoid those who want to live in high-school for the rest of their life as you're plan is to move forward and grow into a True Man (See the I Ching for the term)!

[BlueMonk91]

hi Bluemonk,

 

Thank you for sharing your experiences.

 

To be honest what you I think everyone goes through lonliness in their life. I have been through that too, especially during high school and school years, but even in adult years. I was a bit of a nerd and weirdo so bullies would pick on me, and I would always feel awkard around the opposite sex.

 

All of this is conditioning. You asked if taoism, chi kung will help, and I say yes. Taoism, chi kung, yoga and other forms of spiritual knowledge and wisdom, religion, science are all ways that our mind, body, spirit goes through to learn about ourselves. Through the art of chi kung, you may be able to experience peace, balance, happiness, bliss, through buddism you may experienc nirvana etc.

 

All of this is ultimately the same. It is god, love, that which is beyond, the true self which we seek.

 

Your mind might be telling you, you need more friends, or friends that understand, or I need a girlfriend or boyfriend. But honestly these are all superficial things. I can guarantee you, if you get a girlfriend, wife, a best friend you will still run into conflicts and problems and you will still have that inner lonliness you have been feeling.

 

This lonliness is actually a blessing in disguise. Why is it a blessing? Life can be explained to work like yin and yang, bitter to sweet. Now the lonliness is bitter, but it will turn to sweetness, it can only go to that. But don't let this knowledge be taken by the mind and twisted so you become so confidence and cocky that you think the opposite of lonliness will come.

 

What I'm trying to say is that lonliness is a blessing because in it, it has brought you this far, brought you to this forum and has made you search. This search is what triggers our journey to discover the self, truth, and love, whatever you define it as. This means there is a seed, a glimmer of hope in the darkness for you to find ultimate salvation. For you to find that fountain where you will never be thirsty again, for you to find your true self, true love where you never need another to love you. In truth there is no other.. mother, father, friends, family, all people, animals, beings you meet and encounter is actually yourself, including your own body. Most people go through life or death, or profound chi kung, or spirtual experiences in order to experience this oneness or understanding. This taste proves without a doubt that all is one and interconnected. It cannot be something understood or comphrended by the mind as the mind always seperates and segregates.

 

Some practical advice:

 

first realize, stop thinking of the past, the more you think of your persona, and person and events in the past the more you create that reality, the past is dead, and your personality is not even real, but this is for you to realize maybe later, right now

 

If you feel lonely because you have no friends; go and make friends, but I tell you now that ultimately all friends you make will come and go and will not quelch that true lonliness you feel, no body in this world can understand your mind and you, because ultimately it is your own world, the next step when you are ready is to realize that you are not even real.. the you, persona, mental image of yourself is not real, yes the body is real yes the mind is real, but your idea of i is not real.. this may sound confusing at first but when the time is right you will understand

 

if you feel lonely because you feel you need a girlfriend, to love and hug you; get a girlfriend, from this too you will learn that despite the hugging, the kissing, the sex, and the good times of going out and enjoying each other company there will be bad times and ultimately you will still feel alone, this I can promise you. There is no perfect relationship in the world, a relationship implies two.. until one realize the truth of one only, and there is no seperation, then only can there be real love and peace

 

but this is theory, so go out and make friends and girlfriend, you have to experience for yourself, go and enjoy and taste it. You can't sit like a monk and think oh if I get a girlfriend or friends it will still be nothing at the end, you have to experience, taste, learn and not be caught up in it, and then you will learn naturally on your own. Trust me in this, as I've been there and shaved my head bald and sat like a monk and lived like a monk for years, its a method that only works for few, most must taste life to overcome and learn from it. So I say experience it, and witness the experience at the back of your mind so you don't get ever too caught in it. Then a time will come and you will see that the lonliness is still there.

 

If it interest you, look into spirtual stuff like yoga, enlightment, zen, taoism, chi kung etc. These knowledge will bring a greater understanding and will give pointers to understanding your lonliness. But even they are like the girlfriend and friends that come and go, they are all dead and second knowledge. Ultimately, they are there to help you, like a boat on your journey across the sea, but when you reach the shore you must abondon the boat not carry it with you. So to, if it interest you, go and learn these things, but do not get caught up in the theories, the movements, and become full of yourself.. because this happens to many, the knowledge gives them a sense of worth, and power, but ultimately if they look fully into themselves they will still find that empty, unfulilled feeling

 

after you have gone through all of this, there may come ideas of of getting a wife, of getting a car, and job, and material things, these things, I tell you to get into as well, so that way you can experience and learn from them, but don't get caught in them.

 

When you have experience and done everything life can give you, you will still find this lonliness, because it is your true self, and the wonder and beauty of life trying to teach you what is real, what is profound, what is true, and that is YOU.. and I don't mean the YOU as in your own self image, or the way you are perceiving yourself now, as your mind, ideas and body, it is the real you which is beyond words and comphrension.

 

This is where your real journey starts and at this point I cannot tell you what happens next because truth, life, is always spontatnous, new and will bring what is needed to you for you, to learn, grow and to find yourself.

 

There will be ups and downs, time when you feel loved, alone, hated, not hated, this or that, all of this you will endure to understand the full range of human psyche, emotion and being

 

The best way to paint it, is if you are a spirit coming into this human world of existence as a temporary journey to learn what it is like to be a human and to transcend it by realizing that you are not just human, but everything and beyond, not in the mind, cocky ego way, but in a truthful understanding that you will just simply know when the time comes..

 

but also don't let time deillusion you, as even time and space are illusions, this sounds ridiculous and does not make sense but ironically in time because the mind operates in time, the mind will know its place

 

Keep to yourself, know thyself

 

Mind will ask questions, and you will go searching, in the end, the home, the ultimate, the solution to the lonliness you seek, will actually be right where you are, you will then laugh and realize that the journey was never needed, yet needed, that you were never alone, that it is just a concept in your mind, despite the feeling, your attention gives the idea so much power based on memories in past and project future, and ultimately an identity in a false you, that you are lonely. When you realize you are not, then you will realize who is there to be lonely?

Ask who is it that is lonely.. really ask and find the answer.. if you say your name, is it simply that? isn't your name just a sound.. that isn't you.. is it your body? your body is only made up of parts, take away your arm, legs and you are still there.. even your mind you are still there.. how? because how can you not be there to realize your mind is gone.. something must still be there.. that real you.. which cannot be touched or described, keep going deeper and deeper in.. these are all signpost and pointers not the ultimately truth, you have to go, ask and receive, search and find

 

My best wishes and energies to you!

 

Thanks for the reply, I really appreciate this post.

I sense what your saying, feel free to correct me if im wrong is that my loneliness is an illusion because of the idea of one. The separation between myself and other things only occur in the mind. I understand this view and can see how we are all connected but it some ways I feel accepting this advocates being apathetic towards the way I feel and the way i've been living. I understand what your trying to say but im not clear on how one should approach it or if one should even do anything?

 

Also at this moment in time developing friendships or getting a girlfriend seem like another world away. I have too much negative energy supressed and I think people can sense that. So at the moment I just want to take baby steps learn how to cope with the way I feel and decrease the bitternes, fear and negative energy that i've accumalated over the years.

[Tom Lin]

Thanks for the reply, I really appreciate this post.

I sense what your saying, feel free to correct me if im wrong is that my loneliness is an illusion because of the idea of one. The separation between myself and other things only occur in the mind. I understand this view and can see how we are all connected but it some ways I feel accepting this advocates being apathetic towards the way I feel and the way i've been living. I understand what your trying to say but im not clear on how one should approach it or if one should even do anything?

 

Also at this moment in time developing friendships or getting a girlfriend seem like another world away. I have too much negative energy supressed and I think people can sense that. So at the moment I just want to take baby steps learn how to cope with the way I feel and decrease the bitternes, fear and negative energy that i've accumalated over the years.

 

Like i said...its important to begin forgiving/understanding yourself first, because then you can truly love others and therefore start enjoying your life. Relationships/friends are only a by-product, do not focus on giving love with expectations of gaining these things.

[Turiya]

Thank you Tom and Harmonious Emptiness for your above comments I really appreciate it. I hope all will be able to gain some useful wisdom from what was written.

 

hi BlueMonk91,

 

Thank you for your reply and your feedback.

 

Based on what you are writing, your mind says you understand but honestly I don't think you do. And it is okay that you don't I purposely wrote what I did, so that in a few years time when you look back, what is written will be more clear, trust me on this.

 

Right now we need to see what level you are looking at. At your mind state right now, you are identified with who you are and are completely attached to it. A very strong sense of self, which is natural as many at that age are, its all part of growing up and developing identity only to realize it is not real.

 

Forget about seeing lonliness as an illusion, at least for now because it is only an imagined farfetched idea, in time and experience it will become a reality, truth will prevail. Right now what feels more real is your lonliness. This is why you wrote that you feel more " apathetic" towards your current state.

 

Based on everything you wrote, I can tell that no matter what is said, the mind will still play tricks in trying to understand or think. Though I do understand and feel your geniuness in trying to resolve this issue. I'am here with you, we just must watch the mind.

 

What I think is happening is that your mind is fully convinced and has basically created a mantra: "I'am lonely, people think i'm negative, I can't be around people, I can't get girlfriend, I can't have friends," etc. This gets repeated and repeated and you trust it, live it, and it becomes real because your mind keeps reinforcing it. You need to first seperate yourself and realize that the voice in your head and these ideas of you being lonely is NOT YOU. I'll prove it to you.. right now. As you are reading these words, I want you to repeat those negative thoughts and feelings.

 

See how those thoughts come... I'm lonely, I'm negative, i'm not worth it, I hate myself, I don't understand, I'm confused, let it all out.

 

Now you see those thought going through the head, who is it that is seeing those thoughts.. there is a witness to these thoughts, you have to be there.. to see your thoughts and those words in order for it to be there.. do you see what I'm saying? Whatever you are thinking right now, this very moment there has to be someone to observe this, a witness for lack of better term. You can't be those thoughts because when you say I'm lonely, you said it, then it disappears. The thought is gone. Yet you are still here, thinking and doing other things. But the thoughts come like a habit and come very often, it gets repeated so much, like any lie that gets repeated, it will seem like its true and carry an substance of sort.. but nonetheless it is not real. So see the witness that sees the thoughts and identify yourself with that witness for now.

 

Your mind is honestly trying to hold on to that negativity, and actually it is trying to create a fake solution. That fake solution is the baby steps, treat me okay, give me a bit of medicine, but don't cure me completely. It is the trick of the mind to get you trapped and never be free. Just like our current medical western healthcare, is more like sick care. They give you pills and drugs that never cure you and you are stuck with them for life. So too is the ill mind, it will come up with ideas to trick you.

 

Your mind may also tell you, don't listen to what i'm saying, it's hog wash, what do I know.. I don't know your lonliness, I've never been there, how can I really understand.. again these are all voices in your mind which it creates. Trust me, I've been there in lonliness, but even if I had or not, it doesn't matter, what matters is the reality that your mind is creating for you, you are being attached, giving it attention and thus it is becoming real and tricking you that it has reality.

 

WITNESS - at first there will be effort, as it may seem like a new concept, but it is a step towards freedom. You must remind yourself again and again and question all thoughts, images and voices that arrises in your mind. You must know you are none of them, not any single one of those voices is you. Because it can't be you. If you were that thought, voice, or image, when it disppears you would would disappear too. yet you still remain. You are still here, when those thoughts come, and then go, and then other thoughts and ideas come. yet you see them all.. you must see that you are the witness of these thoughts be and stay in that position.

 

This will help you see your whole reality from a third person view. By stepping out of the box, can you look into it and see what is wrong, and know that you are not the box which is the problem, but are watching it, then can you help and transcend.

 

ATTENTION - your attention is so subtle and so powerful. Whereever you direct your attention is what will be given life and power. Right now your mind has repeated all of those negative ideas about yourself, and how you think you are. Those thoughts keep arrising, and you keep giving them attention, they are seducing you. Don't fight, but just deny attention to it, use your energy, your power of ATTENTION and focus on something else.

 

MIND TRICK - your mind will play tricks and give excuses and say you dont have anything else, or I CAN"T DO THIS, I CAN"T DO THAT.. but YOU CAN!! anything and everything is possible. Let's do another real example so I can prove to you the power of words.

 

I want you to say out loud the word: DIFFICULTY, just say the word, DIFFICULTY, say it again and again, OUT LOUD, not just mentally in your mind, but CLOSE your eyes now, and say it, again and speak it out of your voice, loud and feel the word, taste it, and close your eyes and feel it, repeat this for a while then open your eyes and read on.

 

What do you feel? I can guarantee and promise that you probably felt contricted, discomfort, heavy, negative feelings in general.

 

Now i want you to think and say the word, LOVE, love love. Don't be shy, say the word out right now as you are reading this, LOVE. I love you! LOVE!! LOVE!! Love!, Love!, I love you. Close your eyes, and feel and say it. Don't let the mind trick you into thinking this is a stupid activity, ignore your mind and just do it. Close and feel with all your heart LOVE, feel love and the power of love, and the feeling of love, say love and feel the word: LOVE

 

Do it now, close your eyes and say the word and feel it

 

What did you feel? I can promise you felt, LOVE! lightness, openess, and maybe even tear up?

 

If you were real and followed what I asked you to do, you will feel it, I promise you. This exercise was to demonstrate how powerful words can be. Thus the word "spell" or spelling. It's litereally a spell, when you spell or say something out. So say negative things and it will be a negative curse, say good positive things and it will be a positive, blessing!!

 

So simple, yet so profound and powerful! Such is the way of truth and many awesome things in life as you will discover.

 

What one should realize from this is, look at your mind and see how it keeps clinging and repeating all these negative things. You keep thinking negative things, and keep doubting and not knowing, you keep saying I cant, or i'll try.

 

Forget all that, instead open, love, love yourself. Do it right now. Close your eyes, hug yourself, and say I love you.. To yourself, this is not stupid, or silly. Try it and be real with it and feel with all your heart... something may happen.. do it now... you have the power, you have the courage, you have the will and intellgience to love... do it now, to you, give yourself love, give yourself a hug.. do not be afraid to cry. Cry and let it all out, tears can cure wounds and unblock blockages, be true and feel with all your heart. I love you...

 

All is forgiven, you have never been negative, you have never accumulated anything bad, you do not have to be ashame or feel guilty. Accept all that you have gone through, and be greatful that is has shown you the negative side of things. So now you can be compasionate and know and understand that side of life. Move on now to the other side, the side of openess, the side of love, the side of freedom.

 

Stop thinking of your past. Seriously forget it, dont ever bring it up. It's not ignoring it, its seeing whats real, its dead. It's like your mustache, or hair that you cut every once in a while. Or your nails, once you cut it, its gone and dead, you don't go crying over and thinking about it and going on myself my nail, my nail. You will grow more hair and nail. Same with life, stop dwelling on negative things from past, and the past as a whole. Here again the mind will go, but I can't!.. becareful.. who is it that is saying that, already watch the negative words that the mind uses. The I can't.. it tricks you into thinking you can't do anything. And remember you are not the mind.. you are the witness of it! So that means you can't be those thoughts that come up.

 

I think there may be trauma from the past, either hurt physical, verbally, sexually. Perhaps addiction to substances or habits that have drained your energy. But you did it to cope but it just puts you in a deeper and darker circle. It seems like no hope, and you trust the mind and it seems to give you temporary solutions or suggestions, always searching for what you think might set you free.

 

You are strong, you have will, you have the power. But ultimately, look inside yourself see what you really desire. I think inside your heart you are seeking love, approval and acceptance. In our young phase it will be seeking for material pleasure, and the presence of friendship from friends, partner and family. It's normal. Later you will realize you will have to transcend this as well as mentioned in first post, but don't worry about that now it will take it's course.

 

Right now look into yourself, I sense you want to feel and be loved, and you want to love to. You know you have that power inside you, you just need something to motivate, or trigger or to express. It is our conditioning, upbringing and education that has restricted and made as feel alone and dead. What you need to do is take the first step. Meaning just say hi to someone at school. When you are beside them in class. Just make a conversation. Ask them a question, or joke, or make a statement. Your mind will go again, I'can't, or I'm shy. etc. don't trust this voice, just do it, you will be nervous as hell at first, but just do it. And you will see how easy it is. It's just that you are really afraid of the unknown. Afraid of being rejected. In life we are always accepted and rejected by external things, there is day and night, pushing and pulling, giving and taking, so too you must accept the fact. If you never try then you will always feel rejected, but if you try of all the rejection there will be eventual acceptance.

 

So make simple conversations at first. After that you can ask if they want to hang out, or go for a coffee, or movie. From there see how it grows. Just trust your feeling and see if you can be comfortable with the person. Give yourself a chance.

 

Again I tell you this as a reminder, not to confuse, you but years when you look back. You will realize that your mind created all of this. It made you believe and feel you were lonely, so you went to seek friends, only to find that friendships come and go and brings problems too, this will make you lonely again and search again, it will make you find a girlfriend, a lover, then it will make you search for a teacher, a guru, god. Eventually it will all lead back to you. Loving yourself, the real Self, the real you. And realizing this was all mind made up, but right now as I speak it will feel so real because you are living it, but its okay, don't deny the natural flow. You will have to go through this so that you can learn, and grow, and life will do what it needs to.

 

--

 

Practical Advice:

 

I highly recommend you find the book called: The secret art of Seamm Jasani by Asanaro

This is an ancient form of excercises much like chi kung, it focuses on turning negative energy to positive. Do the excercises and you will feel your whole mind and body change. Use these excercises as a way to channel and transform your negative energy into positive. Once you develop the positive energy use that to create, to live and to do what you gotta do.

 

Watch your mind: whenever possible just watch your mind and see all the silly ideas and thoughts that come up, the thoughts and ideas at first will be very powerful and will seduce your attention and will suck you into thinking and dwelling in them, it will make you forget you are the witness. No worries, just as soon as you remember you are the witness focus again on witnessing and watching and know you are not the thoughts. Again this is just a step, in time one will realize you are beyond all of this. But don't push and jump to ahead of self, just giving heads up so you don't become to attached to any practices.

 

Walk in nature: Nature has energies that balance and help get rid of negative energy. If you can walk on beach, walk barefoot on backyard or whever possible. Breath in the air, watch the sky, the sun, birds, be around trees. Nature will do it's thing and it will help

 

You are what you eat: This simple yet profound sacred thing we forget. Feed yourself garbage and you will become garbage, at least, body and mind wise. Eating negative, unhealthy, junk, processed food will resulting in negative thoughts and body. Bad food is made from cold, processed, refined places with no heart and energy, thus you will become that and feel isolated. So educate yourself on healthy eating and find whats right for you. There are a lot of crazy diets out there that are way too extreme. So watch out and dont get caught up. Try and see what works for you. If you need advice here I can give some help and starting points if you're interested

 

Know that both negative and positive things happen in life so that you may experience the full spectrum of life. In a song there is silence, and different notes, high notes and low notes. Just like in life how right now your life story has low notes, there too is high notes and silence which the mind tends to forget and ignore. It is both the low an high notes and silence that all work together to create the beautiful melody, the melody, the song of life!

 

Blessings and love to you! A smile I send to you from my heart to yours

[Tom Lin]

Thank you Tom and Harmonious Emptiness for your above comments I really appreciate it. I hope all will be able to gain some useful wisdom from what was written.

 

hi BlueMonk91,

 

Thank you for your reply and your feedback.

 

Based on what you are writing, your mind says you understand but honestly I don't think you do. And it is okay that you don't I purposely wrote what I did, so that in a few years time when you look back, what is written will be more clear, trust me on this.

 

Right now we need to see what level you are looking at. At your mind state right now, you are identified with who you are and are completely attached to it. A very strong sense of self, which is natural as many at that age are, its all part of growing up and developing identity only to realize it is not real.

 

Forget about seeing lonliness as an illusion, at least for now because it is only an imagined farfetched idea, in time and experience it will become a reality, truth will prevail. Right now what feels more real is your lonliness. This is why you wrote that you feel more " apathetic" towards your current state.

 

Based on everything you wrote, I can tell that no matter what is said, the mind will still play tricks in trying to understand or think. Though I do understand and feel your geniuness in trying to resolve this issue. I'am here with you, we just must watch the mind.

 

What I think is happening is that your mind is fully convinced and has basically created a mantra: "I'am lonely, people think i'm negative, I can't be around people, I can't get girlfriend, I can't have friends," etc. This gets repeated and repeated and you trust it, live it, and it becomes real because your mind keeps reinforcing it. You need to first seperate yourself and realize that the voice in your head and these ideas of you being lonely is NOT YOU. I'll prove it to you.. right now. As you are reading these words, I want you to repeat those negative thoughts and feelings.

 

See how those thoughts come... I'm lonely, I'm negative, i'm not worth it, I hate myself, I don't understand, I'm confused, let it all out.

 

Now you see those thought going through the head, who is it that is seeing those thoughts.. there is a witness to these thoughts, you have to be there.. to see your thoughts and those words in order for it to be there.. do you see what I'm saying? Whatever you are thinking right now, this very moment there has to be someone to observe this, a witness for lack of better term. You can't be those thoughts because when you say I'm lonely, you said it, then it disappears. The thought is gone. Yet you are still here, thinking and doing other things. But the thoughts come like a habit and come very often, it gets repeated so much, like any lie that gets repeated, it will seem like its true and carry an substance of sort.. but nonetheless it is not real. So see the witness that sees the thoughts and identify yourself with that witness for now.

 

Your mind is honestly trying to hold on to that negativity, and actually it is trying to create a fake solution. That fake solution is the baby steps, treat me okay, give me a bit of medicine, but don't cure me completely. It is the trick of the mind to get you trapped and never be free. Just like our current medical western healthcare, is more like sick care. They give you pills and drugs that never cure you and you are stuck with them for life. So too is the ill mind, it will come up with ideas to trick you.

 

Your mind may also tell you, don't listen to what i'm saying, it's hog wash, what do I know.. I don't know your lonliness, I've never been there, how can I really understand.. again these are all voices in your mind which it creates. Trust me, I've been there in lonliness, but even if I had or not, it doesn't matter, what matters is the reality that your mind is creating for you, you are being attached, giving it attention and thus it is becoming real and tricking you that it has reality.

 

WITNESS - at first there will be effort, as it may seem like a new concept, but it is a step towards freedom. You must remind yourself again and again and question all thoughts, images and voices that arrises in your mind. You must know you are none of them, not any single one of those voices is you. Because it can't be you. If you were that thought, voice, or image, when it disppears you would would disappear too. yet you still remain. You are still here, when those thoughts come, and then go, and then other thoughts and ideas come. yet you see them all.. you must see that you are the witness of these thoughts be and stay in that position.

 

This will help you see your whole reality from a third person view. By stepping out of the box, can you look into it and see what is wrong, and know that you are not the box which is the problem, but are watching it, then can you help and transcend.

 

ATTENTION - your attention is so subtle and so powerful. Whereever you direct your attention is what will be given life and power. Right now your mind has repeated all of those negative ideas about yourself, and how you think you are. Those thoughts keep arrising, and you keep giving them attention, they are seducing you. Don't fight, but just deny attention to it, use your energy, your power of ATTENTION and focus on something else.

 

MIND TRICK - your mind will play tricks and give excuses and say you dont have anything else, or I CAN"T DO THIS, I CAN"T DO THAT.. but YOU CAN!! anything and everything is possible. Let's do another real example so I can prove to you the power of words.

 

I want you to say out loud the word: DIFFICULTY, just say the word, DIFFICULTY, say it again and again, OUT LOUD, not just mentally in your mind, but CLOSE your eyes now, and say it, again and speak it out of your voice, loud and feel the word, taste it, and close your eyes and feel it, repeat this for a while then open your eyes and read on.

 

What do you feel? I can guarantee and promise that you probably felt contricted, discomfort, heavy, negative feelings in general.

 

Now i want you to think and say the word, LOVE, love love. Don't be shy, say the word out right now as you are reading this, LOVE. I love you! LOVE!! LOVE!! Love!, Love!, I love you. Close your eyes, and feel and say it. Don't let the mind trick you into thinking this is a stupid activity, ignore your mind and just do it. Close and feel with all your heart LOVE, feel love and the power of love, and the feeling of love, say love and feel the word: LOVE

 

Do it now, close your eyes and say the word and feel it

 

What did you feel? I can promise you felt, LOVE! lightness, openess, and maybe even tear up?

 

If you were real and followed what I asked you to do, you will feel it, I promise you. This exercise was to demonstrate how powerful words can be. Thus the word "spell" or spelling. It's litereally a spell, when you spell or say something out. So say negative things and it will be a negative curse, say good positive things and it will be a positive, blessing!!

 

So simple, yet so profound and powerful! Such is the way of truth and many awesome things in life as you will discover.

 

What one should realize from this is, look at your mind and see how it keeps clinging and repeating all these negative things. You keep thinking negative things, and keep doubting and not knowing, you keep saying I cant, or i'll try.

 

Forget all that, instead open, love, love yourself. Do it right now. Close your eyes, hug yourself, and say I love you.. To yourself, this is not stupid, or silly. Try it and be real with it and feel with all your heart... something may happen.. do it now... you have the power, you have the courage, you have the will and intellgience to love... do it now, to you, give yourself love, give yourself a hug.. do not be afraid to cry. Cry and let it all out, tears can cure wounds and unblock blockages, be true and feel with all your heart. I love you...

 

All is forgiven, you have never been negative, you have never accumulated anything bad, you do not have to be ashame or feel guilty. Accept all that you have gone through, and be greatful that is has shown you the negative side of things. So now you can be compasionate and know and understand that side of life. Move on now to the other side, the side of openess, the side of love, the side of freedom.

 

Stop thinking of your past. Seriously forget it, dont ever bring it up. It's not ignoring it, its seeing whats real, its dead. It's like your mustache, or hair that you cut every once in a while. Or your nails, once you cut it, its gone and dead, you don't go crying over and thinking about it and going on myself my nail, my nail. You will grow more hair and nail. Same with life, stop dwelling on negative things from past, and the past as a whole. Here again the mind will go, but I can't!.. becareful.. who is it that is saying that, already watch the negative words that the mind uses. The I can't.. it tricks you into thinking you can't do anything. And remember you are not the mind.. you are the witness of it! So that means you can't be those thoughts that come up.

 

I think there may be trauma from the past, either hurt physical, verbally, sexually. Perhaps addiction to substances or habits that have drained your energy. But you did it to cope but it just puts you in a deeper and darker circle. It seems like no hope, and you trust the mind and it seems to give you temporary solutions or suggestions, always searching for what you think might set you free.

 

You are strong, you have will, you have the power. But ultimately, look inside yourself see what you really desire. I think inside your heart you are seeking love, approval and acceptance. In our young phase it will be seeking for material pleasure, and the presence of friendship from friends, partner and family. It's normal. Later you will realize you will have to transcend this as well as mentioned in first post, but don't worry about that now it will take it's course.

 

Right now look into yourself, I sense you want to feel and be loved, and you want to love to. You know you have that power inside you, you just need something to motivate, or trigger or to express. It is our conditioning, upbringing and education that has restricted and made as feel alone and dead. What you need to do is take the first step. Meaning just say hi to someone at school. When you are beside them in class. Just make a conversation. Ask them a question, or joke, or make a statement. Your mind will go again, I'can't, or I'm shy. etc. don't trust this voice, just do it, you will be nervous as hell at first, but just do it. And you will see how easy it is. It's just that you are really afraid of the unknown. Afraid of being rejected. In life we are always accepted and rejected by external things, there is day and night, pushing and pulling, giving and taking, so too you must accept the fact. If you never try then you will always feel rejected, but if you try of all the rejection there will be eventual acceptance.

 

So make simple conversations at first. After that you can ask if they want to hang out, or go for a coffee, or movie. From there see how it grows. Just trust your feeling and see if you can be comfortable with the person. Give yourself a chance.

 

Again I tell you this as a reminder, not to confuse, you but years when you look back. You will realize that your mind created all of this. It made you believe and feel you were lonely, so you went to seek friends, only to find that friendships come and go and brings problems too, this will make you lonely again and search again, it will make you find a girlfriend, a lover, then it will make you search for a teacher, a guru, god. Eventually it will all lead back to you. Loving yourself, the real Self, the real you. And realizing this was all mind made up, but right now as I speak it will feel so real because you are living it, but its okay, don't deny the natural flow. You will have to go through this so that you can learn, and grow, and life will do what it needs to.

 

--

 

Practical Advice:

 

I highly recommend you find the book called: The secret art of Seamm Jasani by Asanaro

This is an ancient form of excercises much like chi kung, it focuses on turning negative energy to positive. Do the excercises and you will feel your whole mind and body change. Use these excercises as a way to channel and transform your negative energy into positive. Once you develop the positive energy use that to create, to live and to do what you gotta do.

 

Watch your mind: whenever possible just watch your mind and see all the silly ideas and thoughts that come up, the thoughts and ideas at first will be very powerful and will seduce your attention and will suck you into thinking and dwelling in them, it will make you forget you are the witness. No worries, just as soon as you remember you are the witness focus again on witnessing and watching and know you are not the thoughts. Again this is just a step, in time one will realize you are beyond all of this. But don't push and jump to ahead of self, just giving heads up so you don't become to attached to any practices.

 

Walk in nature: Nature has energies that balance and help get rid of negative energy. If you can walk on beach, walk barefoot on backyard or whever possible. Breath in the air, watch the sky, the sun, birds, be around trees. Nature will do it's thing and it will help

 

You are what you eat: This simple yet profound sacred thing we forget. Feed yourself garbage and you will become garbage, at least, body and mind wise. Eating negative, unhealthy, junk, processed food will resulting in negative thoughts and body. Bad food is made from cold, processed, refined places with no heart and energy, thus you will become that and feel isolated. So educate yourself on healthy eating and find whats right for you. There are a lot of crazy diets out there that are way too extreme. So watch out and dont get caught up. Try and see what works for you. If you need advice here I can give some help and starting points if you're interested

 

Know that both negative and positive things happen in life so that you may experience the full spectrum of life. In a song there is silence, and different notes, high notes and low notes. Just like in life how right now your life story has low notes, there too is high notes and silence which the mind tends to forget and ignore. It is both the low an high notes and silence that all work together to create the beautiful melody, the melody, the song of life!

 

Blessings and love to you! A smile I send to you from my heart to yours

 

 

 

I understand where your coming from with the "forgetting" of the past, but the reason i say you must look into your past memories and forgive/understand yourself is because then those traumatic moments will become wisdom and you will know yourself more and realize. Forgetting is escaping those negative imprints of your experience.

Edited April 10, 2012 by Tom Lin

[三江源]

.

Edited October 31, 2015 by 三江源

[Aetherous]

Good idea cat. A spontaneous movement teacher (shuichuan) once told me, "Once you connect to the energy of the Tao, you will never be lonely again."

 

I found it to be only partially true.

 

A teacher for health class in high school once told me, "Human beings need physical contact with 10 other people per day in order to be happy and healthy." So maybe that's the other piece of the puzzle.

 

Also, Blue Monk, maybe consider moving out of London.

[RiverSnake]

I have had similar problems in the past. After trying to get over myself for awhile i eventually found Chi-Gung and Meditation.

 

Through my practices I tossed out a majority of my negative conditioning and changed my life for the better. If i did it so can you.

 

-My 2 cents, Peace

Edited April 10, 2012 by OldGreen

[BlueMonk91]

Thanks for all the suggestions and replies. I will try to understand all these things as best as I can. This is the first time i've reached a real low point where I feel like just giving up despite living this way virtually all my life up to now. I go back to uni on sunday but only for three weeks before we finish for the summer. I think im just going to give it a go and start talking to people regardless of any possible outcome, nothing to lose I guess.

[Harmonious Emptiness]

I think im just going to give it a go and start talking to people regardless of any possible outcome, nothing to lose I guess.

 

Hey man, and if for any reason other than no reason at all, you never know when those contacts will come in handy, or when you will have something for them. All of a sudden the grocer is looking to buy a guitar and the guy you just talked to is selling his, or this girl is looking to take yoga classes and the librarian is a teacher. Make as many contacts as you can. Like you said, nothing to lose.

 

A good trick when meeting people is to remember, when you run out of things to talk about, instead of digging up stuff you know about, find out what they know about.

[Owledge]

Your mind is honestly trying to hold on to that negativity, and actually it is trying to create a fake solution. That fake solution is the baby steps, treat me okay, give me a bit of medicine, but don't cure me completely. It is the trick of the mind to get you trapped and never be free. Just like our current medical western healthcare, is more like sick care. They give you pills and drugs that never cure you and you are stuck with them for life. So too is the ill mind, it will come up with ideas to trick you.

A lot of personal philosophy in your writings, a lot of "trust me", "I promise", "I guarantee you".

I don't like antidepressants, because they only fiddle with symptoms, but still, they CAN help someone make a crucial empowering step, so I tend to reject popular spiritual dogmas about transcending and true/false. Often people say that when there is an imbalance, you have to acknowledge that it's all an illusion. But that's a difficult step, it's like skipping a lesson. The most straightforward step would be to recreate balance, and for a healer/helper to assist in that process (which is partially done here, I didn't overread that).

BlueMonk91's situation is not a clichée. Everybody's situation is more or less different. So we should be careful before we try to implant suggestions of certainty into other people's minds that might go into conflict because we don't know the person fully.

 

In this regards, it is funny how my recent ayahuasca experience was very profound and showed me all the stuff about Oneness that people keep talking about, and it clearly released a lot of emotional junk that I couldn't release by myself. And still... all that didn't have much practical effect. So digging all the way to the root might not be a good general advice. There are many ways of healing. I think it takes a masterful amount of skill to figure out what specifically a person needs. Sometimes that person already knows it themselves.

 

In short: Unless you know a person's 'personal destiny', it would be wise to simply make recommendations, not to implant certainties. Help them discover their way, don't ask them to follow yours.

 

And here's a funny twist: Maybe in some cases implanting certainties is the right approach. So don't believe everything I say.

Edited April 11, 2012 by Owledge

[C T]

An article (dont let the title fool anyone) by David Loy which may benefit the OP:

 

http://www.zen-occidental.net/articles1/loy4.html

[BlueMonk91]

An article (dont let the title fool anyone) by David Loy which may benefit the OP:

 

http://www.zen-occidental.net/articles1/loy4.html

 

I've read the article thanks. So it suggest that the things we crave friendship, acceptance, closeness etc are just distraction from the truth and the fear of death of non being. I think this week in particular i've felt worse everyday and I think im approaching a real bout of depression for the first time; despite this I don't think my state of mind is coloured mainly by an existential anxiety. I've simply had negative experience after negative experience continously since early childhood, I can't suppress the sadness anymore and the memories are so fresh. I just feel cursed and stuck.

 

If friendships, money, power, fame etc are distractions that we need to overcome not by ignoring and discarding but by not falling in love with, surely we need to experience what it is like to have those things in varying proportions to realise that we shouldn't fall in love in love with these things. If one is deprived of these things then that person will become obesessed with them and is probably more in love with them than the person who has them in abundance.

 

Sorry if my writing is hard to follow just trying to understand.

Edited April 12, 2012 by BlueMonk91

[Owledge]

If friendships, money, power, fame etc are distractions that we need to overcome not by ignoring and discarding but by not falling in love with, surely we need to experience what it is like to have those things in varying proportions to realise that we shouldn't fall in love in thing with these things. If one is deprived of these things then that person will become obesessed with them and is probably more in love with them(an unrequinted love) than the person who has them in abundance.

That's what I tried to convey - that I agree with this. I think the strength for transcending something comes from having gotten to know it. All the talk about transcending somewhat neglects what life is for.

I am hesitant to recommend something specific here just because I experienced it myself recently, but if you have the means to participate in an ayahuasca ceremony (or smoke DMT as a somewhat less efficient replacement), it can help the sincere seeker figure out stuff that otherwise would remain hidden and could require a master psychologist and long therapy to dig up. Apparently you have stored a lot of negative self-affirmation, and if you need the energy that those steal for something productive, then ayahuasca/DMT can help in purging you of those. It's like a universal life-help medicine, and its efficiency depends on how much you surrender to the process. Afterwards, you might feel released of a burden, with new views on life, and then you can cultivate those. (Although cultivation could be difficult when not much is happening in everyday life.)

Edited April 12, 2012 by Owledge

[Aaron]

Hello I am a 20 year old male from london. I've been a bit of a loner all of my life up to now. Never really had close friends or girlfriends etc. I was bullied throughout school even girls would call me names and although I thought I dealt with it quite well at the time. On reflection It brings me great sadness that I look back and can't remember a happy or time or an occasion where I felt I belonged in some way.

 

I feel as if though as though there is a negative cycle created by my experience so far. Being isolated and invalidated throughout my youth when you most want to be accepted, has turned me into a defensive person and has probably contributed to some emotional imbalance, I get the impression people are uncomfortable around me because I project my negative experiences onto them. My mum says I look both worried and as if im holding back tears all the time. Im coming toward the end of my first year at University and it's been more of the same. I've never been really bitter and angry because it's always been this way as early as I can remember just feeling like an outsider everywhere I go. Im not of those people who immediately blames other people for my problem, if the patterns in my life are consistent surely im doing something wrong and need to make a change.

 

Basically im asking does taoism have anything to say about loneliness and how to deal with loneliness?

How do you break the negative cycle and stop bringing ones negative experiences and loneliness to every encounter with a new person which prevent the possibility of friendship and possible connections.

 

Thanks,

 

The Tao Teh Ching never promises happiness, it promises balance in one's life. I will not say what your problems stem from, only that your experience isn't unique and is endemic in many people growing up in the world today. My suggestion is that, if you're feeling lonely you need to go out and meet people and make friends. When you feel smothered by all these friends, then you need to retreat and spend time alone. The key here is to understand what you actually want from life and whether what you want can be achieved. If all you want is a cure for your loneliness, then you don't need Taoism or Buddhism, you just need to identify those things that cause you to feel lonely.

 

Keep in mind that this may involve some soul searching and introspection. So here's something you can do---

 

Find a quiet place inside where you can sit alone. Sit in a comfortable position (don't lay down, or you may fall asleep). Close your eyes for a few moments, then once you feel comfortable, breath in deeply, filling your lungs as full as you can, then exhale slowly. Keep breathing this way, breathing in slowly til you have a full breath, then exhaling slowly. Let all your thoughts clear from your mind and simply focus on remembering the first time you felt this loneliness. Don't try to remember why, just when. When you can do this open your eyes and take a break. It may take some time before you remember, until then keep it up. Once you have remembered the when then it is time to move on.

 

At that point send me a message and I will help you with the next step.

 

Keep in mind this isn't psychological help, I am giving you spiritual guidance. If you feel like you're at risk for harming yourself, or your symptoms get worse, then you should seek medical attention.

 

Aaron

[eye_of_the_storm]

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Edited April 18, 2012 by White Wolf Running On Air