[Please help] Serious Sexual Exhaustion

[Adam B.]

I'm sincerely in need of some serious help.

 

I've been to three different doctors practicing western medicine and two different naturopaths to try to diagnose my problem, but none of them seem to be able to find whats wrong. According to blood tests everything seems normal but I feel very old and feel like I'm dying and i'm only in my late 20s.

 

I've unfortunately been masturbating and ejaculating since I was 10. As I got older I started to masturbate and ejaculate more frequently. From teenager years to early 20s I was ejaculating at least 3 to 6 times a day. Sometimes even 10 times in one day to the point my head and body was completely numb. I was really addicted to pornography from the Internet and was really depressed growing up so masturbating and porn was a way to relieve myself. It has become a vicious, painful and destructive cycle. After ejaculating I would feel really bad and feel life forced drained, I would feel guilty and hate myself. Then after I would tell myself never again, yet fall back into the same cycle. I'm currently 27 now and I think everything has finally caught up, I feel really old and feel like i'm dying quickly and need some serious help.

 

Some current symptoms:

 

- I've lost massive weight, I use to be a healthy weight but lost over 20 lbs. It's just last year that has been really serious. All my friends and family members think I look like an old skinny man and anorexia. My face is completely sunken in and my chest is sunken in so that my rib cage, sternum, and bones all show.

 

I lost a lot of muscle mass and fat. I basically look like an old skinny drug addict. But I don't do any drugs and eat a lot and a lot of food. But still not gaining anything back. I feel somehow that the frequent ejaculation has eaten away at my own flesh/fat and now there is almost nothing left. A recent test at the doctors revealed that I have very very low body fat, I think it was only 9% total body fat compare to the healthy average person that is suppose to be at least 18% for men.

 

- My hands, feet and entire body is almost always cold. Even if I eat warm food it will turn back cold after. I really really dislike cold weather, wind and even when it's warm out I feel cold. I don't remember feeling like this when I was younger. I always need to over dress to keep decently warm, yet still have cold hands and feet. It's so sad that I feel I can't go out most of the time because feel so weak and vulnerable to the weather.

 

- I have really bad allergies to the point I can't open my eyes, my nose is running like crazy and I just can't focus. It feels my liver is exhausted. Allergies seems to be extreme sensitivity to environment, pollution, dust, sugar and other certain foods

 

- I get frustrated and angry really really easily

 

- My hair is turning white, I have never had white hair before but now it seems like multiplying like crazy

 

- I feel scared to meet people and to go out, I feel I lack willpower and the ability to make decisions

 

- I get weird head pressure, like blood stuck in my head and nose and also frequently get nose bleeds

 

- My skin is very dry throughout entire body, my nose is dry, and mouth is dry

 

- Breathing is sometimes difficult, nose is almost always blocked from stuffy or runny nose

 

- Heart palpatations sometimes

 

- Body feels very weak, I can barely lift or do anything without feeling some pain or body shaking

 

- My memory, ability to think, be creative and overall brain power seems to have diminished, I feel so stupid and senile. I remember when I was young I was really bright, quick and fast to think

 

- It's very hard to be excited and happy about anything. I feel like life is so gray even on a bright sunny day. It's almost as if I'm losing the will to live

 

I've been in serious depression, crying and searching desperately for help and solution to problem. It seems all the healthy food I try to eat or excercises to gain weight are not helping at all. I feel like I'm running out of options. To be frank and honest I'm scared of dying and scared of feeling and being old.

 

If there is someone out there who can offer advice or help of any sort. Perhaps possible chi kung practice, meditation, herbs, herb formulas, healing, medical help, or anything else please let me know.

 

Thank you sincerely for your time and help.

[Birch]

Before the bums weigh in with actual facts about depletion of energy via sexual acts, I like to eliminate the whole guilt trip about it. Lest the latter mixes with the former.

 

---state the facts and your opinion, never mistaking one for the other----it ain't easy alert

 

Edited for typo

Edited April 14, 2012 by -K-

[tulku]

more than one sexual spirit is attached to you and sucking off your life force..

 

how to deal with this?

 

1) chant lots of powerful spirit-fighting mantras everyday ..

vajrakilaya,

lord shiva,

usnisa vijaya dharani,

vairocana,

ana bekoach

 

these mantras would help you

 

2) google spirit attachment .. find out all information about spirit attachment on the net..

 

3) meditate on pictures of autopsied bodies of dead women to destroy all the spirits of lust in you..

 

the spirits of death actually help defeat evil spirits of lust and sex..

 

spirits of death are actually great enemies of the spirits of lust and sex and believe it or not..

 

when one make peace with Death and work with His Spirits and Soldiers of Death, they actually increase your life force & life span and improve your health dramatically..

 

even Maya, the idiotic Lord of Illusion/Delusion, and the Devil, the fool who dare trespass against the Lord Creator,

 

even the above two idiots fear Death..

Edited April 14, 2012 by tulku

[tulku]

Before the bums weigh in with actual facts about depletion of energy via sexual acts, I like to eliminate the whole guilt trip about it. Lest the latter mixes with the former.

 

---state the facts and your opinion, never mistaking one for the other----it ain't easy alert

 

Edited for typo

 

The OP doesn't need to feel guilty about lacking the strength of will or the knowledge to fight off spirits of lust.

 

All of us take the first step at one point or another on the road to enlightenment.

[Sloppy Zhang]

1) Definitely lose the guilt. Guys ejaculate. Some guys are super freakin' horny. And ejaculate a lot. I'm one of those as well. Been masturbating for as long as I can remember (waaaay before puberty and getting actual ejaculate, I found out it felt really freakin' good, and just would do it).

 

2) Don't try and stop masturbating, instead, START doing OTHER things.

 

If you try to "stop" masturbating, you are going to fall into the same cycle because you will be hitting all the old markers which cued you to start jerking it, and you won't have any activity to replace them.

 

Start an exercise regiment. If you eat as much as you say, and come as much as you say, you've got the energy. Just put it to something else. At some point, you just aren't going to feel like masturbating. Or hey, maybe you will.

 

If you feel like doing it, then do it. And feel good about doing it. It happens. The more you worry about it, the worse you'll make it.

 

But make a rule that you're going to stick to other things. So let's say you decide to 1) start exercising, and 2) learn a foreign language.

 

Make sure you do your workouts every day, and practice your language. If, after that, you still want to masturbate, do it. But at some point you just aren't going to feel like doing it, and you'll stop naturally. If you don't, whatever, no big deal.

 

Now a few days you'll probably skip your routine to jerk it. Whatever. Start slow. Drop the judgment. Try doing the workout or practice after, and you'll probably not feel too into it. Remember that feeling, and next time, no matter what, do your new routine, and THEN masturbate.

 

Probably gonna get a lot of shit for saying this. But hey, masturbation used to be a problem for me. Why? Because I tried to "stop". That actually made the problem worse. Now it's not a problem. And hey, guess what? I still masturbate from time to time. Big deal.

[tulku]

Make friends with Death, Adam.

 

Life is short and we all die at one point or another.

 

Destroy all your attachments in this lifetime and I guarantee you that you will never be reborn in samsara again..

 

Our obstacles are actually our greatest friends.. They give us a chance to transcend the limitations of humanity..

 

You can either transcend your limitations or stay stuck in the loop for eternity..

 

Only animals ejaculate.. The Evolved Man keep his seed & lifeforce for his cultivation..

 

Make your choice..

Edited April 14, 2012 by tulku

[Adam B.]

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!

 

TULKU!!! holy shit holy shit!!!!

 

I just did what you recommended, after reading what you said I immediately youtubed; Vajrakilaya mantra

 

I immediately listened and sang the mantra

 

then all of sudden some crazy shit happened!!! my body felt like it was possessed and I started to barf out air, my tongue stuck out and I felt something leave!

 

I immediately shouted and prayed in the name of lord shive and jesus all sexual spirits and evil spirits leave me now, leave this body, leave this mind, soul, spirit and home and never come back

 

and then my body clasped hand together in prayer and the image of the blue being from Vajrakilaya mantra (who is that by the way?)

 

i asked the blue being from the Vajrakilaya mantra to protect me from all evil spirits and demons

 

I kept that image stuck in my head and then all of sudden my body started to move like the blue being, and moved its hands out and breathed out loud and muscous came out of my nose, breathed heavily again, I felt like the spirit of death or a guardian or something

 

and then it subsided and here i'am writing this to you now!!

 

if this works, my god, thank you thank you!!

 

 

i'm just getting bitched at by my mom now, shes asking why i'm i playing a mantra and is freaked out

[Birch]

The OP doesn't need to feel guilty about lacking the strength of will or the knowledge to fight off spirits of lust.

 

All of us take the first step at one point or another on the road to enlightenment.

Dude, the reason I wrote that post so fast was because I could see you typing and I knew it was going that route. I don't disagree with you as an absolutist practitioner, however, have you taken the OP's feelings into account before posting your own? Me, yes.

[Birch]

However:-)

[tulku]

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!

 

TULKU!!! holy shit holy shit!!!!

 

I just did what you recommended, after reading what you said I immediately youtubed; Vajrakilaya mantra

 

I immediately listened and sang the mantra

 

then all of sudden some crazy shit happened!!! my body felt like it was possessed and I started to barf out air, my tongue stuck out and I felt something leave!

 

I immediately shouted and prayed in the name of lord shive and jesus all sexual spirits and evil spirits leave me now, leave this body, leave this mind, soul, spirit and home and never come back

 

and then my body clasped hand together in prayer and the image of the blue being from Vajrakilaya mantra (who is that by the way?)

 

i asked the blue being from the Vajrakilaya mantra to protect me from all evil spirits and demons

 

I kept that image stuck in my head and then all of sudden my body started to move like the blue being, and moved its hands out and breathed out loud and muscous came out of my nose, breathed heavily again, I felt like the spirit of death or a guardian or something

 

and then it subsided and here i'am writing this to you now!!

 

if this works, my god, thank you thank you!!

 

 

i'm just getting bitched at by my mom now, shes asking why i'm i playing a mantra and is freaked out

 

interesting which youtube video is that?

[Adam B.]

 

and

 

 

 

Right now I feel so clear minded!! I feel so strong and I feel fearless!

 

My body is warm now

 

All this is happening right now, no joke

 

I felt like there was a dark cloud around my head and body for the longest time, now I feel its open and clear and I actually feel happy but in a very subtle way.

 

I feel so greatful! It's like i'm breathing properly now and feel like there are no obstacles in the way

 

thank you! thank you!

[thelerner]

Good job Tulku.

 

One thing I'd recommend to Adam now, keep up the basics. Eat well, get plenty of sleep, exercise. Use this momentum to stay strong and build some excellent habits.

 

 

I'd also add, weight lifting helps build testosterone

Edited April 14, 2012 by thelerner

[Aaron]

Adam B.,

 

Tulku may mean well, but he might not be the best source for your salvation from sexual addiction. If you truly are a sex addict, then I would suggest seeking therapy, though the rate of recidivism is very high, so you might actually benefit more from some type of group treatment, like Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Of course, I mean no offense, but one thing I noticed is that you seem to use the same sentence structure as Tulku, so you may be kindred spirits. Perhaps he knows you better than we do. At least you were lucky enough have read his post and have your realization all within the space of an hour, some addicts go their entire life without finding a miracle cure.

 

Aaron

Edited April 14, 2012 by Twinner

[RiverSnake]

IME prayer coupled with sincerity and an open heart can be very powerful. Glad to see you got good results.

 

-My 2 cents, Peace

[Aetherous]

For your health, try an acupuncturist.

 

Also, some people here (like forum member Ya Mu) do distance healing that is said to be quite effective.

[tulku]

Adam B.,

 

Tulku may mean well, but he might not be the best source for your salvation from sexual addiction. If you truly are a sex addict, then I would suggest seeking therapy, though the rate of recidivism is very high, so you might actually benefit more from some type of group treatment, like Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Of course, I mean no offense, but one thing I noticed is that you seem to use the same sentence structure as Tulku, so you may be kindred spirits. Perhaps he knows you better than we do. At least you were lucky enough have read his post and have your realization all within the space of an hour, some addicts go their entire life without finding a miracle cure.

 

Aaron

 

There is this saying.. God only helps those who help themselves..

 

Adam has obviously fought against his negative karma and any obstacles put in his way by the attaching spirits when he finally ask for help in this forum..

 

why didn't he ask for help in this forum 2 years ago? last year? or even last month?..

 

this is because he has not fought hard enough against the forces of evil.. not until today..

 

similarly those addicts who went through their entire lives without the miracle cure aren't fighting hard enough against all the negative karma and obstacles put in their way by attaching spirits..

 

the addicts can't blame me for not reaching out and helping them.. they have to find the will to break out of their addictions before help can be granted..

 

if they have fought hard enough, they would stumble upon this forum or other similar spiritual forums .. and other like-minded souls like me will help them openly..

 

there are quite a few buddhist, taoist and other spiritual forums on the internet btw.. not just this one..

Edited April 14, 2012 by tulku

[tulku]

For your health, try an acupuncturist.

 

Also, some people here (like forum member Ya Mu) do distance healing that is said to be quite effective.

 

The OP doesn't need to be healed. He just needs to chant the mantras I gave him everyday and live the virtuous life of a monk.

 

He doesn't need to be a monk. But just be as virtuous as a monk and stay away from lust, alcohol, cigarettes and drugs.

 

Read up on buddhism and taoism and psychology and find out for himself how the powers that be used occult sciences to keep modern man in chains of desires..

 

Find out how modern man and women are being kept from accessing their full powers/realizing their full potential by TPTB through all those brainwashing and financial/psychological chains used by the media, banks, government, universities, etc etc..

 

And understand the biggest prize in this life is not money, women, family, children, fame or any of those material shit..

 

Understand that the biggest prize in this life is FREEDOM FROM SAMSARA and the OP will be on the way to healing himself..

Edited April 14, 2012 by tulku

[Gerard]

Sorry to hear about your negative experience. Yes you had hungry ghosts attached to your liver and kidneys, which were created by your mind anyway. Lust and delusion cause a lot of trouble but there is always a fix for everything.

 

You need to open blocked energy channels. Try these exercises:

 

http://www.baguaquanlessons.com/kwahip-joints33007.html

 

(Kwa practice with a tree)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Stretching starts from 3:20)

 

 

I would also suggest you working with trees and barefoot on earth element to drain excess fire out: standing meditation (Zhan Zhuang), walk in a circle focusing on the centre, walking meditation focusing on your steps very slowly. Are you able to learn internal martial arts? I mean is there a qualified teacher in your area, this might help a lot.

 

What is your sleep and diet pattern like?

 

Best of luck.

[C T]

 

Understand that the biggest prize in this life is FREEDOM FROM SAMSARA and the OP will be on the way to healing himself..

I would argue that the biggest prize in this life is to overcome all the causes of fear, ignorance and delusion. Thinking that samsara is something to be subdued (so as to gain a prize) is not exactly what Buddhism teaches. Instead, the Buddha advised those who seek to end their torment to systematically plant virtuous seeds in body, speech and mind and nurture positive habits just as a farmer tends mindfully to a newly-plough'ed, fertile piece of land. Freedom from Samsara is an illusion, its mara, simply another chain that binds. It makes people yearn for a state which does not truly exist, and thus remain bound in the desire realms.

 

As Shantideva said, "The hostile multitudes are as vast as space. What chance is there that all will be subdued? Let but this fearful mind be pacified, then and there every foe is destroyed."

[RiverSnake]

I would argue that the biggest prize in this life is to overcome all the causes of fear, ignorance and delusion. Thinking that samsara is something to be subdued (so as to gain a prize) is not exactly what Buddhism teaches. Instead, the Buddha advised those who seek to end their torment to systematically plant virtuous seeds in body, speech and mind and nurture positive habits just as a farmer tends mindfully to a newly-plough'ed, fertile piece of land. Freedom from Samsara is an illusion, its mara, simply another chain that binds. It makes people yearn for a state which does not truly exist, and thus remain bound in the desire realms.

 

As Shantideva said, "The hostile multitudes are as vast as space. What chance is there that all will be subdued? Let but this fearful mind be pacified, then and there every foe is destroyed."

 

I am so tired of people de-railing threads. If you guys wanna bicker about philosophy could you just make another thread?

[C T]

I am so tired of people de-railing threads. If you guys wanna bicker about philosophy could you just make another thread?

Sorry you feel that way.

 

If you were more astute, you would realize, as i hope the OP would realize, that there are fundamental causes to his problem and there are solutions.

 

How is that bickering and philosophizing?

[joeblast]

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!

 

TULKU!!! holy shit holy shit!!!!

 

I just did what you recommended, after reading what you said I immediately youtubed; Vajrakilaya mantra

 

I immediately listened and sang the mantra

 

then all of sudden some crazy shit happened!!! my body felt like it was possessed and I started to barf out air, my tongue stuck out and I felt something leave!

 

I immediately shouted and prayed in the name of lord shive and jesus all sexual spirits and evil spirits leave me now, leave this body, leave this mind, soul, spirit and home and never come back

 

and then my body clasped hand together in prayer and the image of the blue being from Vajrakilaya mantra (who is that by the way?)

 

i asked the blue being from the Vajrakilaya mantra to protect me from all evil spirits and demons

 

I kept that image stuck in my head and then all of sudden my body started to move like the blue being, and moved its hands out and breathed out loud and muscous came out of my nose, breathed heavily again, I felt like the spirit of death or a guardian or something

 

and then it subsided and here i'am writing this to you now!!

 

if this works, my god, thank you thank you!!

 

 

i'm just getting bitched at by my mom now, shes asking why i'm i playing a mantra and is freaked out

Remember well this spark and utilize it whenever and wherever necessary to guide you proper. /\

[Simple_Jack]

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!

 

TULKU!!! holy shit holy shit!!!!

 

I just did what you recommended, after reading what you said I immediately youtubed; Vajrakilaya mantra

 

I immediately listened and sang the mantra

 

then all of sudden some crazy shit happened!!! my body felt like it was possessed and I started to barf out air, my tongue stuck out and I felt something leave!

 

I immediately shouted and prayed in the name of lord shive and jesus all sexual spirits and evil spirits leave me now, leave this body, leave this mind, soul, spirit and home and never come back

 

and then my body clasped hand together in prayer and the image of the blue being from Vajrakilaya mantra (who is that by the way?)

 

i asked the blue being from the Vajrakilaya mantra to protect me from all evil spirits and demons

 

I kept that image stuck in my head and then all of sudden my body started to move like the blue being, and moved its hands out and breathed out loud and muscous came out of my nose, breathed heavily again, I felt like the spirit of death or a guardian or something

 

and then it subsided and here i'am writing this to you now!!

 

if this works, my god, thank you thank you!!

 

 

i'm just getting bitched at by my mom now, shes asking why i'm i playing a mantra and is freaked out

You need a transmission for the vajrakilaya mantra/practice in order to derive full benefit from the recitation/visualization. That's how it works in Vajrayana.

 

It sounds like you got the chi moving in your body due to the recitation of the mantra and by focusing on the image itself/keeping it in your mind during the recitation. Those bodily reactions could most likely be due to the fact that you concentrated to the point that the chi got moving in your body.

 

For now I recommend the medicine buddha (Bhaisajyaguru; link to wiki page w/ mantra My link) mantra since it doesn't require transmission. It's popular in China and Tibet for it's healing ability. I myself derived actual benefit from recitation when I recited it for an extended period in a day. Some interesting things happened along with a definite healing effect.

[Simple_Jack]

I'm sincerely in need of some serious help.

 

I've been to three different doctors practicing western medicine and two different naturopaths to try to diagnose my problem, but none of them seem to be able to find whats wrong. According to blood tests everything seems normal but I feel very old and feel like I'm dying and i'm only in my late 20s.

 

I've unfortunately been masturbating and ejaculating since I was 10. As I got older I started to masturbate and ejaculate more frequently. From teenager years to early 20s I was ejaculating at least 3 to 6 times a day. Sometimes even 10 times in one day to the point my head and body was completely numb. I was really addicted to pornography from the Internet and was really depressed growing up so masturbating and porn was a way to relieve myself. It has become a vicious, painful and destructive cycle. After ejaculating I would feel really bad and feel life forced drained, I would feel guilty and hate myself. Then after I would tell myself never again, yet fall back into the same cycle. I'm currently 27 now and I think everything has finally caught up, I feel really old and feel like i'm dying quickly and need some serious help.

 

Some current symptoms:

 

- I've lost massive weight, I use to be a healthy weight but lost over 20 lbs. It's just last year that has been really serious. All my friends and family members think I look like an old skinny man and anorexia. My face is completely sunken in and my chest is sunken in so that my rib cage, sternum, and bones all show.

 

I lost a lot of muscle mass and fat. I basically look like an old skinny drug addict. But I don't do any drugs and eat a lot and a lot of food. But still not gaining anything back. I feel somehow that the frequent ejaculation has eaten away at my own flesh/fat and now there is almost nothing left. A recent test at the doctors revealed that I have very very low body fat, I think it was only 9% total body fat compare to the healthy average person that is suppose to be at least 18% for men.

 

- My hands, feet and entire body is almost always cold. Even if I eat warm food it will turn back cold after. I really really dislike cold weather, wind and even when it's warm out I feel cold. I don't remember feeling like this when I was younger. I always need to over dress to keep decently warm, yet still have cold hands and feet. It's so sad that I feel I can't go out most of the time because feel so weak and vulnerable to the weather.

 

- I have really bad allergies to the point I can't open my eyes, my nose is running like crazy and I just can't focus. It feels my liver is exhausted. Allergies seems to be extreme sensitivity to environment, pollution, dust, sugar and other certain foods

 

- I get frustrated and angry really really easily

 

- My hair is turning white, I have never had white hair before but now it seems like multiplying like crazy

 

- I feel scared to meet people and to go out, I feel I lack willpower and the ability to make decisions

 

- I get weird head pressure, like blood stuck in my head and nose and also frequently get nose bleeds

 

- My skin is very dry throughout entire body, my nose is dry, and mouth is dry

 

- Breathing is sometimes difficult, nose is almost always blocked from stuffy or runny nose

 

- Heart palpatations sometimes

 

- Body feels very weak, I can barely lift or do anything without feeling some pain or body shaking

 

- My memory, ability to think, be creative and overall brain power seems to have diminished, I feel so stupid and senile. I remember when I was young I was really bright, quick and fast to think

 

- It's very hard to be excited and happy about anything. I feel like life is so gray even on a bright sunny day. It's almost as if I'm losing the will to live

 

I've been in serious depression, crying and searching desperately for help and solution to problem. It seems all the healthy food I try to eat or excercises to gain weight are not helping at all. I feel like I'm running out of options. To be frank and honest I'm scared of dying and scared of feeling and being old.

 

If there is someone out there who can offer advice or help of any sort. Perhaps possible chi kung practice, meditation, herbs, herb formulas, healing, medical help, or anything else please let me know.

 

Thank you sincerely for your time and help.

Also you should check out www.actionlove.com. This site is legit and has a bunch of info on sexual exhaustion symptoms. You can even e-mail the owner of the site himself for specific info if you want.

[Adam B.]

Everyone, thank you so much again for your time and help.

 

I feel so blessed from the incredible feedback and help from everyone. Thank you so much, my heart and spirit is in deep gratitude to you!

 

I pray and hope that those who go through this forum or whatever path they take will find healing

 

I just wanted to keep everyone posted:

 

Yesterday night, I had a really difficult time to sleep. My body was itchy all over, felt like bed bugs and mites were all over. I never had this issue before. And my neck, particular right front side of neck was itching often. I also felt certain unease in the body at certain points. But I'm hoping all this is the detox or body fixing itself.

 

Despite being up for most of the night and lack of deep sleep. I'm still feeling energized today. I still feel bright and clear and fearless, although not as fearless as yesterday. There is just this subtle energy and confidence.

 

The most interesting thing I noticed is that I don't feel anger or frustration?! Every day upon waking and the whole day I was be so gloomy, angry and frustrated at everything for no reason. Today I saw mom and said hi!, I almost never say hi to anyone, I wished her well and hugged her! At this moment I felt deep relieve and felt for some reason my hatred or boundary towards women is not there anymore. Now looking back I was so scared of women before, so scared I couldn't talk to my mom or anybody who was a female.

 

Then a crazy thing happened, I checked my phone and there was a txt from a girl I haven't seen for almost a year. She's not my ex, girlfriend or anything, just a girl who is a friend of a friend of mine. I use to always hate the girl and we would get into conflicts and misunderstanding. But today she messaged me out of the blue, and I was so joyful to hear from her. I wanted to meet and greet her, and hug her and forgive her for everything! We plan to meet up today just to catch up, i'll keep you posted on how this goes.

 

This morning I stood outside on the grass. It felt like I've never done this before and was just listening to the birds in the morning and breathing in the morning air, it felt so rejuvenating.

 

My auntie called me today and out of no where asked if I was up to anything this summer. I told her no, I would be more than happy to help her take care of her donut shop if she was going somewhere for the summer. She works really hard and has never gone anywhere for so many years. She laughed and said no,no I dont need you to take care of my shop, I want you go on a trip with me. A vacation! Immediately I said yes! Now if you know me, I would be the person to say no! I would come up with excuses, and feel I have work, pressure, and all this other crap! but for some reason I felt confident and happy to say yes! to just keep my aunt company and spend time and enjoy a trip with her.

 

This is what has happened so far. In terms of anything negative, it would be doubts and my mind. At times my mind would flip on a sexual image, or a horror image of scary beings. I would immediately repeat the VajraKilaya mantra and it would subside. But there is also ideas in my mind of doubting the mantra, doubting that all these good things can happen. Yet deep inside my heart I feel this knowing or confidence that all is well and somehow its my choice to suffer or not. I'm trying my best to go with the flow and see how things go.

 

Someone asked about what my diet and lifestyle was, okay here goes:

 

DIET

 

Ironically the addiction to sex brought me through knowledge, health etc. Each time I sunk lower from getting drained I would go out and fight harder to find a solution. This led me from the normal north american diet of fast food, processed food to vegetearian, to frutarian, to vegan, to raw food. Each diet made me feel better and seemed to heal me. But each time I got better the huge sexual urge would come back and I would unfortunately waste it all again. It got to the point where it didn't matter what my diet was I was so skinny, drained and felt like an old man. Felt like no food can heal me, thus my desperation and search for help and led me to this forum. Now I eat pretty much anything. There are a few things i don't consume though:

 

No soft drinks, pop, coffee, milk or alcohol. In terms of liquid I only consume home made juice (blended fruits/veges), soups, and natural spring water. I went from drinking tap water but always had dry cough from the chlorine, then switched to evian, fiji and all the so called high class bottled water. It was way too expensive and they all still taste somewhat lifeless or had plastic taste. Then finally somehow I got connected to the right knowledge (www.findaspring.com) and drank natural spring water and so far it has been awesome. This was revealed to me from the doctors I went to. Despite my sexual drained condition, my water level was perfect ph balance of 7, water level in body was perfect etc. I think I can only attribute it to the natural spring water. I also rarely get thirsty now.

 

In terms of food I don't consume candy, chips, cookies and rarely consume cakes/muffins etc. Its the odd ocasion where its someone bday, part that I would eat a bit of cake or sweets.

 

I wish I could drink milk and consume dairy products, but for some reason I think i'm allergic or my body doesn't react well. I get running nose, mucous etc. I've been trying to find raw, grass fed cow milk and products.

 

LIFESTYLE

 

I use to do a lot of sports, biking, basketball, baseball, volleyball etc. But each sport brought so much injuries. As I got older the body seemed less flexible and took way longer to heal. So I pretty much stopped all sports. Also as my sexual addiction grew worst I was way too weak to play any sports or engage in any physical activities. The only exercise I do are walks, sometimes light walk, sometimes long ones and hiking in nearby parks and conservation areas.

 

I love nature, I have an affinity to it. Depsite my allergies and weakness to the elements from sexual exhasution I love nature. I feel its peace, and like the greenary. I like trees, I like flowers, the sky, birds, etc its all so peaceful and feels healing. But there are times when I'm so deluded that it seems not even nature can help.

 

Bruce Lee, martial arts I was a big fan of all this. Then the compeitive, and egotistic side of it led me to interest in internal arts like yoga, tai chi, chi kung. It was mainly just reading and barely having enough time to practice and experiment. It was basically work, work work, then sexual lust, then sleep and rinse and repeat. I would be so stressed and drained from work and life that I went to masterbation and porn to relief the issue, but it got worst everytime. And to the point where I had to stop work, couldn't work anymore and felt like I was in the death bed because of so little energy, so much stress, so much suffering.

 

I wanted to try to learn stuff like farming, gardening to grow my own food and be self sustainable. But my sexual curse always made me feel lack of motivation and no energy to do it.

 

My lower back and core muscles seem really weak, when I bend over or stand for long my body would shake because it feels my muscles are not strong enough, and knees seem to be weak too. Especially after ejaculation my knees and legs would literally drop and I could barely stand.

 

I work in the media industry so its very stressful, its always about deadlines and making things seem fake and beautiful. The creative aspect is what made me love it, to have fun and create, but I hate it because of the lies it creates, the pressure, the stress, the deadlines and the excessive use of computer and digital equipment which seems to suck my life source at times, especially the eyes.

 

Now I'm pretty much getting by and living on the small amount of savings left. I do some minor freelance work in the media field and have just enough for food and rent. I've been too weak and scared to try new things and to do any other jobs from sexual exhaustion.

 

THINGS DONE TO ADDRESS ISSUE IN PAST:

 

It seems like i've tried everything. From eating healthy, to do chi kung excercises like the 8 directions and 12 nerve excercises. Massages like rub kidney and liver area. Refrain from computer usage and triggers. But all the damn ads on the internet have ridiculous sexually provacative ads, half the women in the city dress so slutty (i don't blame women as it may not be their fault, it may be influence from media, other people, education, culture etc) half the content on the net from music videos to movies all contain the triggers.

 

I've read many sources on the Internet, from people trying stuff like herballove products to the scienfic reason behind mastrubation, porn, addiction, to those who were from porn turning to Christ, finding a girlfriend, or seeing masturbation as healthy. To chi kung sexual exercises like the deer and semen retention. But they didn't seem to work the urge to ejaculate would still come and it seemed like with chi kung sexual knowledge my deluded mind/evil spirits abused that knowledge and made things worst.

 

I got a girlfriend to try to have real sex, but all that seemed like temporary help and didn't cure the real sex demon or craving. I was having porn fantansies and cravings and wanted to act out stuff I saw on the Internet. I was having sex with her and wanted to use her like an object and to act out fantasties I saw on porn, and I was masterbating and ejaculating to both. It was basically destructive and there was no love. Even though I try to feel love it was all about the sexual lust. I hope I didn't corrupt her and our relationship. But after the miracle yesterday I feel all that will change. The first thing I want to do is hug her sincerely, heart to heart and really love her and apologize for my delusion in the past.