Does anyone else struggle with their Sanity?

[manitou]

I am finally back online. So nice to be here -

 

There is a separate reality that I seem to be inhabiting these days. It has been particularly active in this period of time in which I was incommunicable because I now live up in the mountains of Santa Barbara, CA - no longer in Ohio. I no longer live with my partner of many years.

 

I seem to have transcended the need for living with darkness, for living with bipolarity. I seem to have transcended the need to raise a child, even if that child was an adult and the 'raising period' was a total of 27 years. I never had a child during that young adult life period, when people normally have kids. Apparently this was an unmet need within me that I now realize took every single one of those 27 years to play out with Joe.

 

I am Exhausted. I am sitting here, in my beautiful 5th wheel trailer, in the middle of a valley up in the hills; a horse ranch / campground. I feel as if I'm still vibrating, although I've been alone for 6 weeks now. Every day I get just a little stronger.

 

I dwell in a different place now, in my head. The nuts and bolts of life are unimportant now; I have 3 pair of jeans and 3 tee-shirts. That's all I seem to need or want at this moment. Something has felt like it has inflated inside my head and my soul; almost an airiness that is totally unconcerned as to what day of the week it is, what time it is, whether I'm even hungry or not. I don't seem to get hungry any more and it doesn't matter. It's not depression; it's something altogether different. Like the complete realization that this is all an illusion that we, the communal Creator, continue to create one day at a time. It has evolved within me during this entire process of splitting our life in two.

 

I am in control of my thoughts. If I desire quiet in my mind, it is there instantaneously. I now realize Who I Am and am starting to find comfort in wearing it. I have been present at several odd healings lately and my previous ability to triangulate has morphed into a 3-D thing as well.

 

There is no way to describe this transformation. Only another who is going through it will understand. I'm hoping there is such a person on TTB's. I'd sure love to talk with one....

 

Barb

[Protector]

I frequently reach the ultimate state of don't give a damn and instead of insanity it's just another normal part of life

And no, you can't have my super secret anti-crazy chi gong

I kinda get there when there's nothing going on at all and the only thing that matters is what my head.

Before, the outside stimuli made ripples in the pond of my head with all the stuff that was going on before, now that there's nothing outside that can move the water, the water in the pond is still and nothing seems to matter.

If you feel like getting out of there, go outside and stare at the sun for a second or drive somewhere and back. You could also lay down like a rock and wait for something to move you.

Once you feel like you're in control and in safe place, you would need something that's out of your reach to shake you up.

 

****

Edited April 20, 2012 by Apech
deleted image which linked to malware site taylortarver

[Friend]

Greetings Manitou welcome back!

 

So you simplify your life and lost some douzend of pounds.

When you say you realize "who you are" then how there can be a struggle with

Sanity?" Congratulation to for the realisation. (I had 2 times internal changes

which are felt like death and I have been spared to leave this world several times

and one of the critical was a 5 meter falling 50 cm thick tree which fall on my neck

on the 7 Vetrabae and there was a bruise because of the luck to stand and bow over and react on the way to spread out the arms and legs and fall into the space where the hairline between death and live is. An Inch more and I would not distress the guys here with my comments.

 

Well how was the feeling? Nothing. It doesnt matter if I live or die

I had the feeling that if one live one live and if one die one die, I would thought after a change their would be a lots of carnival by emotion and thoughts about life but no I was only sorry to make those co worker around worry about me and cause them stress. I was ready to leave if it is time, to allow change and embrace it.

For a moment I let go of everthing and felt peace.

 

"If I quiet my mind

I see the eternity and moments

are like passing clouds

sometimes they show faces and animals,

when they passed

the clear sky is revealed"

[RiverSnake]

Glad to see you back Manitou. Moving into the void is sometimes difficult for me.

 

How are your practices going?

Edited April 19, 2012 by OldGreen

[doc benway]

I am finally back online. So nice to be here -

 

There is a separate reality that I seem to be inhabiting these days. It has been particularly active in this period of time in which I was incommunicable because I now live up in the mountains of Santa Barbara, CA - no longer in Ohio. I no longer live with my partner of many years.

 

I seem to have transcended the need for living with darkness, for living with bipolarity. I seem to have transcended the need to raise a child, even if that child was an adult and the 'raising period' was a total of 27 years. I never had a child during that young adult life period, when people normally have kids. Apparently this was an unmet need within me that I now realize took every single one of those 27 years to play out with Joe.

 

I am Exhausted. I am sitting here, in my beautiful 5th wheel trailer, in the middle of a valley up in the hills; a horse ranch / campground. I feel as if I'm still vibrating, although I've been alone for 6 weeks now. Every day I get just a little stronger.

 

I dwell in a different place now, in my head. The nuts and bolts of life are unimportant now; I have 3 pair of jeans and 3 tee-shirts. That's all I seem to need or want at this moment. Something has felt like it has inflated inside my head and my soul; almost an airiness that is totally unconcerned as to what day of the week it is, what time it is, whether I'm even hungry or not. I don't seem to get hungry any more and it doesn't matter. It's not depression; it's something altogether different. Like the complete realization that this is all an illusion that we, the communal Creator, continue to create one day at a time. It has evolved within me during this entire process of splitting our life in two.

 

I am in control of my thoughts. If I desire quiet in my mind, it is there instantaneously. I now realize Who I Am and am starting to find comfort in wearing it. I have been present at several odd healings lately and my previous ability to triangulate has morphed into a 3-D thing as well.

 

There is no way to describe this transformation. Only another who is going through it will understand. I'm hoping there is such a person on TTB's. I'd sure love to talk with one....

 

Barb

Welcome back Barb!

I was thinking about you yesterday and hoping you were well.

Yes, I struggle.

[Birch]

Hi Barb!

 

Nice to read you!

 

More or less identifying what is insane of me and what isn't. Tends to be backwards from what I thought before attempting. Not worth sharing as I'm sure people would find me a bit insane:-)

[Aaron]

I am finally back online. So nice to be here -

 

There is a separate reality that I seem to be inhabiting these days. It has been particularly active in this period of time in which I was incommunicable because I now live up in the mountains of Santa Barbara, CA - no longer in Ohio. I no longer live with my partner of many years.

 

I seem to have transcended the need for living with darkness, for living with bipolarity. I seem to have transcended the need to raise a child, even if that child was an adult and the 'raising period' was a total of 27 years. I never had a child during that young adult life period, when people normally have kids. Apparently this was an unmet need within me that I now realize took every single one of those 27 years to play out with Joe.

 

I am Exhausted. I am sitting here, in my beautiful 5th wheel trailer, in the middle of a valley up in the hills; a horse ranch / campground. I feel as if I'm still vibrating, although I've been alone for 6 weeks now. Every day I get just a little stronger.

 

I dwell in a different place now, in my head. The nuts and bolts of life are unimportant now; I have 3 pair of jeans and 3 tee-shirts. That's all I seem to need or want at this moment. Something has felt like it has inflated inside my head and my soul; almost an airiness that is totally unconcerned as to what day of the week it is, what time it is, whether I'm even hungry or not. I don't seem to get hungry any more and it doesn't matter. It's not depression; it's something altogether different. Like the complete realization that this is all an illusion that we, the communal Creator, continue to create one day at a time. It has evolved within me during this entire process of splitting our life in two.

 

I am in control of my thoughts. If I desire quiet in my mind, it is there instantaneously. I now realize Who I Am and am starting to find comfort in wearing it. I have been present at several odd healings lately and my previous ability to triangulate has morphed into a 3-D thing as well.

 

There is no way to describe this transformation. Only another who is going through it will understand. I'm hoping there is such a person on TTB's. I'd sure love to talk with one....

 

Barb

 

I'm so glad to see you back Barb. Cyber-hug. I was thinking about you the other day as well. I'm sorry to hear about your break-up, I know it couldn't have been easy, but I hope the best is in store for you. You'll always have friends here, but you know that. I also hope that life treats you well, because you deserve to be treated well.

 

I'm sure I speak for many of the people here when I say you are always with us, but you you were still gone for far too long.

 

Aaron

Edited April 19, 2012 by Twinner

[Cat Pillar]

Glad to see you back, Manitou.

 

Can't say I relate to your specific experience, although I often wonder whether I'm sane or not.

 

I do have a strong tendency to do things over and over again expecting different results...

[gendao]

I now live up in the mountains of Santa Barbara, CA - no longer in Ohio. I no longer live with my partner of many years.

 

I seem to have transcended the need for living with darkness, for living with bipolarity. I seem to have transcended the need to raise a child, even if that child was an adult and the 'raising period' was a total of 27 years. I never had a child during that young adult life period, when people normally have kids. Apparently this was an unmet need within me that I now realize took every single one of those 27 years to play out with Joe.

Wow, fascinating insight on your codependency with your "surrogate" child there. And perhaps another "child" you raised was yourself, through this depolarizing experience?

 

So back to you now eh, "Saint Barbara?"

 

Please continue sharing your sorreal insights.

[mYTHmAKER]

Welcome back. Congratulations on emptying your cup

[Thunder_Gooch]

I think you are perfectly sane, in an insane world

Edited April 20, 2012 by More_Pie_Guy

[Harmonious Emptiness]

After my last breakup I started eating less, possibly due to the schedule change of not eating with that person, but also maybe just wanting to be lighter to adapt to the change. I still eat less than I used to, maybe just as you said, priorities seemed to change.

 

I don't read anything that sounds crazy (in what you wrote). Sounds like you're traversing some deep realizations. Not knowing more about the situation, I might say just go with it and see where it takes you.

[konchog uma]

glad youre back

 

i agree with Harmonious Emptiness, nothing really "insane" about your experience and feelings. Thats hard stuff, it would challenge anyone.

 

i feel qualified to speak about insanity (i struggled with my sanity after a really powerful near death experience, and later experienced a demonic possession). I don't think you're insane. Some processes of healing are just uncomfortable. Many blessings, i hope northern california is a wonderful healing environment for you

 

edit: i re-read you simply said struggling with sanity, not insane. well i will leave what i wrote cause it still applies..

Edited April 19, 2012 by anamatva

[manitou]

Tends to be backwards from what I thought before attempting.

 

There you go. The backwardsness of the whole thing. And somehow we return to self and find that our greatest wisdom was that which we possessed when we were about 8 years old. That's when we were able to say the things we needed to say without editing and making them pretty.

 

Mythmaker - yes. I've empied my cup. That's exactly what it feels like...

 

Vortex - Yes, I do believe the inner one is finally raised. Going back to what K said - it's exactly backwards from what I thought. I have become the inner child. Something about me seems to be getting younger by the day. It really feels...crazy.

 

Aaron - a big fat cyberhug back atcha.

 

Thanks everyone, for your kind thoughts. As I glance behind me I do see where there is a greenish-yellow bubbling substance trailing behind me....so there must be some physical movement. Albeit slow.

[mYTHmAKER]

Looking back i realize having been left by a love, having left a love, painful as it may have been at the time,

if this hadn't occurred I never would have met the one I am with today.

[Owledge]

****

Very deep.

 

I do have a strong tendency to do things over and over again expecting different results...

Don't get confused by a misinterpretation of an Einstein quote that in itself is relatively unenlightened.

Although I understand how hard it is to go through that.

 

There you go. The backwardsness of the whole thing. And somehow we return to self and find that our greatest wisdom was that which we possessed when we were about 8 years old.

I never abandoned that view, and that can be very painful. Keeping something alive against severe adversity. I sometimes wonder whether temporarily forgetting this can be a blessing.

Edited April 20, 2012 by Apech
deleted image with link to malware site

[manitou]

Greetings Manitou welcome back!

 

So you simplify your life and lost some douzend of pounds.

When you say you realize "who you are" then how there can be a struggle with

Sanity?"

 

It's difficult to wear the garment after 64 years of thinking otherwise. Takes some adjustment.

[goldisheavy]

I am finally back online. So nice to be here -

 

Welcome back!

 

What's interesting is that your main post is at odds with the subject/title of your submission. In the title you ask if any of us struggle with our sanity. But in the main post you seem totally at peace with what's happening, no indication of struggle.

 

So I'll briefly explain what happened to me. Short answer is: yes there is a huge struggle with sanity (sometimes trying to maintain it, sometimes fighting it like it's an enemy that's blocking progress).

 

I started out with some spiritual intuitions, but otherwise a strong atheistic background. In the beginning I was totally naive. The power of the mind was purely theoretical for me. So for this reason, my intentions were honest and very strong, because I had no idea how powerful it would be in that period of relative innocence. So I would do things like stop time, leave my body, and lose the boundary between myself and the world. As well many really crazy things would happen that defy sanity. At some point I understood where all this was going -- toward a complete breakdown of reality as I know it. And I began to be very afraid! At that point I closed my heart, stopped practicing and everything returned back to normal. I was still interested in spirituality, but I limited my intent to study and contemplation. I wouldn't intend to stop time or leave my body like in the past, where I would easily, almost jokingly intend and accomplish such things. So since then I've been re-opening and loosening up, but now it's a gradual process and I kind of know what to expect this time around. So I am going toward "craziness" with my eyes open this time.

 

As for sanity, when it vanishes too quickly I feel like I have no home, no place where I belong and like I know nothing. I want some kind of anchor, some world about which I can say "I know this world", and some place to call home. So I want sanity to come back. At the same time, I fully realize that sanity is a prison. It's my desire for all this familiarity and comfortable predictable rote that keeps me chained in this realm and in this form.

 

There is no way to describe this transformation. Only another who is going through it will understand. I'm hoping there is such a person on TTB's. I'd sure love to talk with one....

 

Barb

 

I think everyone's path is unique. I tried to briefly describe what happened to me in the past, but I wouldn't say I am exactly like you. I believe I understand what you are feeling, but that doesn't necessarily mean a whole lot, imo.

[Harmonious Emptiness]

I find a lot craziness has to do with an attachment to self and self-concept, and loosing that child within who is not plagued with thoughts of right and wrong and good and bad, but just chases butterflys through the grass, wanting all to be appy along with them.

When we turn inwards too much trying to find self, we can be led astray by llusions, versus looking outwards towards God, Tao, Heavenly Spirit, and bringing that presence into our lives knowing that that infinity of the cosmos is who we truly are.

 

One of my favourite quotes comes from George Orwell: "insanity is but the minority of one"

 

To turn that around, everything is one. When a group of people think they have it all figured out, they become a minority of one within the infinite connectedness of the Universe. To be part of that minority is volunteered insanity. To find the love of our creator(s) and look beyond ourselves, to spread that love on the trials and weaknesses of our common wounds, this is the sanity of Heaven, and Earth, and Humanity.

[goldisheavy]

I find a lot craziness has to do with an attachment to self and self-concept, and loosing that child within who is not plagued with thoughts of right and wrong and good and bad, but just chases butterflys through the grass, wanting all to be appy along with them.

When we turn inwards too much trying to find self, we can be led astray by llusions, versus looking outwards towards God, Tao, Heavenly Spirit, and bringing that presence into our lives knowing that that infinity of the cosmos is who we truly are.

 

Illusions aren't prejudiced like that. Look outward and you'll find illusory appearances. Look inward, and again you'll find illusory appearances. In both the outward and inward appearances there is an element of truth. Which is to say, appearances have suggestive meanings which can easily deceive when taken at face value, but not everything about appearances is deceptive. Appearances are also all that there is. There is nothing but appearances. In this abstract sense appearances are very honest and never deceive.

[Harmonious Emptiness]

Illusions aren't prejudiced like that. Look outward and you'll find illusory appearances. Look inward, and again you'll find illusory appearances. In both the outward and inward appearances there is an element of truth. Which is to say, appearances have suggestive meanings which can easily deceive when taken at face value, but not everything about appearances is deceptive. Appearances are also all that there is. There is nothing but appearances. In this abstract sense appearances are very honest and never deceive.

 

Not sure what to say, other than that you seemed to have missed the point I was trying to make, and I don't think I could actually clarify it by trying to, so I'll just leave it as it is.

[Mark Foote]

\

 

I have been present at several odd healings lately and my previous ability to triangulate has morphed into a 3-D thing as well.

 

 

Triangulate? Interested in this ability and the 3-D thing you mention, there. What is this in regards to?

 

I return to what I put together in 2005, that the place of occurrence of consciousness can be the tool of the autonomic respirations (pulmonary and cranial-sacral) in opening up the responsiveness of the entire body. John Upledger used his hands to accentuate places with good cranial-sacral movement, and that caused the places that were stuck to open up. My well-being can do the same thing, if I realize the place I find myself in from moment to moment, kind of like in 3-D. Probably nothing like what you're referring to...

 

Different reflections of myself can make me feel insane, that happens when I get away from other people, like I'm on another wave-length from the mind-set of the people I'm around. And yet I'm not. It's just the wilderness in me in the midst of the city.

 

Wondered where you were, missed that avatar of the kid with the candle!

[manitou]

Triangulate? Interested in this ability and the 3-D thing you mention, there. What is this in regards to?

 

I return to what I put together in 2005, that the place of occurrence of consciousness can be the tool of the autonomic respirations (pulmonary and cranial-sacral) in opening up the responsiveness of the entire body. John Upledger used his hands to accentuate places with good cranial-sacral movement, and that caused the places that were stuck to open up. My well-being can do the same thing, if I realize the place I find myself in from moment to moment, kind of like in 3-D. Probably nothing like what you're referring to...

 

Different reflections of myself can make me feel insane, that happens when I get away from other people, like I'm on another wave-length from the mind-set of the people I'm around. And yet I'm not. It's just the wilderness in me in the midst of the city.

 

Wondered where you were, missed that avatar of the kid with the candle!

 

 

I think the kid has stopped staring at the candle....

 

The organized approach you put together regarding autonomic respirations sounds like a wonderful quasi-physical thing. I think that's about as far as one can get using a left brain approach. The phenomena I'm speaking of is anything but left brain, and that's why it's nearly impossible to explain it.

 

It seems to me that there are 3 aspects to clarity of vision - the 'triangulating' part. I can only speak for my own life and my own self-realization path. One aspect is the years of study of the words of others - regardless of any particular tradition, they all seem to go to the same room when extended out to their full length. The second component, I've discovered, is the ability to shut down one's thoughts. In my case, this was finally achieved after 30 years of meditation. I don't know that it would take anybody else that long - I just know that I had a massively strong left brain to get through; my thought patterns were way too organized and detective-like in logic to actually see the magic of the here and now. The meditation finally achieved what I was shooting for; thoughtlessness. This is not easy, and it results in the ability to shut off one's thoughts at the drop of a hat. This can be done, and I don't think it's possible to enter the wu-wei without this ability. The third aspect seems to be inner work; constantly questioning our own motives and seeking out those selfish parts of ourself that always want it our way. This is an earnest lifetime project. There truly is a pony at the bottom of the manure pile.

 

It was after years and years of focusing on the above 3 aspects that I was in a small fender-bender; rear-ended from behind by a truck, while sitting at a signal. Lo and behold, this seemed to be the very invitation for the kundalini energy to rise about a week later. This is when things really started getting weird and 3D; it merely gave me a different perch on which to sit and observe. This was what's called a spontaneous kundalini awakening; many folks say this is bullshit. But I guarantee if it happened to them, they would change their tune quickly.

 

Mark, I do now have a vision that extends way out into the ethers. It is this vision that can be used to either go way out in space and turn around and view situations in the world, and see things from a different point of view. It's also the vision that allows you to see the enlightenment within another's character. It's the same vision that can instantly triangulate another's personality, because I have gone all the way down into mine. Once we have seen ourselves, without drama, without judgment, then we can truly triangulate others. I was very fortunate in that I was a pathetic alcoholic 31 years ago and made my way to a recovery program. The steps to recovery changed that. My insides were a mess. They no longer are a mess, despite the upheaval I just went through with my partner of 27 years.

 

I do think that thing we're looking for is found within ourselves; the words and works of others only go so far.

 

Incidentally, I want to start a Self-Realization pinned topic; a place where those of us who revere the inner work can share experiences and get input from other like-minded Bums. I say, Let's Mix It All Up, instead of the nice delineated little pathways we now have on TTB's. I prefer a big tasty stew---

Edited April 21, 2012 by manitou

[Mark Foote]

 

I do think that thing we're looking for is found within ourselves; the words and works of others only go so far.

 

Incidentally, I want to start a Self-Realization pinned topic; a place where those of us who revere the inner work can share experiences and get input from other like-minded Bums. I say, Let's Mix It All Up, instead of the nice delineated little pathways we now have on TTB's. I prefer a big tasty stew---

 

 

A veritable manifesto, manitou! Thanks for giving the low down, on the tripod. Not sure I follow on 3D but sounds amazing.

 

20-30 years, is what I have read several times is the interval between initial insight and being able to do something substantive and positive, usually mentioned in the context of Zen.

 

Some interesting threads you might have missed, at least they were interesting for me: Apech's Myth of the Eight Hour Sleep, and Ya Mu's Chinese Taoist Medicine and Stillness-Movement Medical Qigong.

 

"Self-Realization" pinned topic sounds interesting. I am always looking to find the places where my own "practice" lines up with historical and contemporary practices, as a means of expanding my own boundaries and vocabulary. I tend to describe my own practice elsewhere, and come here to learn to make my description more universal.

 

I think you could make a topic out of the inclusion of the mind as the sixth sense in the experience of the "where" of consciousness. That's my way of describing thoughtlessness, or "nonthinking", as Dogen described it. He declared it "the pivot of zazen", I love that! The ease and absorption of thoughtlessness, I have to experience a necessity for it; sounds like fortunately or unfortunately, you are ahead of me in experiencing that necessity!

[strawdog65]

I am finally back online. So nice to be here -

 

There is a separate reality that I seem to be inhabiting these days. It has been particularly active in this period of time in which I was incommunicable because I now live up in the mountains of Santa Barbara, CA - no longer in Ohio. I no longer live with my partner of many years.

 

I seem to have transcended the need for living with darkness, for living with bipolarity. I seem to have transcended the need to raise a child, even if that child was an adult and the 'raising period' was a total of 27 years. I never had a child during that young adult life period, when people normally have kids. Apparently this was an unmet need within me that I now realize took every single one of those 27 years to play out with Joe.

 

I am Exhausted. I am sitting here, in my beautiful 5th wheel trailer, in the middle of a valley up in the hills; a horse ranch / campground. I feel as if I'm still vibrating, although I've been alone for 6 weeks now. Every day I get just a little stronger.

 

I dwell in a different place now, in my head. The nuts and bolts of life are unimportant now; I have 3 pair of jeans and 3 tee-shirts. That's all I seem to need or want at this moment. Something has felt like it has inflated inside my head and my soul; almost an airiness that is totally unconcerned as to what day of the week it is, what time it is, whether I'm even hungry or not. I don't seem to get hungry any more and it doesn't matter. It's not depression; it's something altogether different. Like the complete realization that this is all an illusion that we, the communal Creator, continue to create one day at a time. It has evolved within me during this entire process of splitting our life in two.

 

I am in control of my thoughts. If I desire quiet in my mind, it is there instantaneously. I now realize Who I Am and am starting to find comfort in wearing it. I have been present at several odd healings lately and my previous ability to triangulate has morphed into a 3-D thing as well.

 

There is no way to describe this transformation. Only another who is going through it will understand. I'm hoping there is such a person on TTB's. I'd sure love to talk with one....

 

Barb

 

 

Hya Barb!

 

Just wanted to say... You are such a special individual.

I am so happy for your new journey!

Life is the Love you share with others.

Always be true to who you are... Even when

you are in the state of becomming something more.

Glad you are so free... I think it suits you!

 

 

SD