Empathy and Change

[Cat Pillar]

Once again, I have backed myself into a corner and made a situation more delicate than it ever needed to be.

 

I'm torn between two worlds, and must make a decision that will cut off one aspect of my life or another.

 

There are pros and cons for choosing both ways. But the "con" for both decisions is that someone will inevitably get hurt.

 

I'm very empathic, so it's really hard for me to confront people, or to take actions that I know will cause someone pain, because I have a hard time dealing with the emotions of others.

 

I try looking into my heart for wisdom, but it seems to be as confused as I am. There seems to be no right way forward, only wrong ways forward. Granted, that's because I'm viewing the situation through a lens of "I hate hurting people, how can I do this without hurting anyone."

 

But I can't find an answer. I'm attached to my world the way it is, and it has to change soon and I'm going to lose something. What I lose is my decision (essentially, I am having to decide which of my two closest friends I get to hurt), but I'm having a very hard time making it.

 

To be fair, it's my fault that I let the situation develop this way. My avoidance of conflict and my trying to make everyone happy led me to dig a pretty deep hole.

 

At least I can be thankful that I'm psychologically capable of handling this situation now without spiraling into suicidal despair. Now it just makes me sad.

 

Bother. I hope I'm wise enough to avoid making this happen in the future. And at least once my decision is made, the biggest internal conflict in my life will be over. I can only imagine the wonders that will do for my practice.

 

How do YOU deal with situations where you know whatever choice you make someone's going to get hurt emotionally?

[Aaron]

Once again, I have backed myself into a corner and made a situation more delicate than it ever needed to be.

 

I'm torn between two worlds, and must make a decision that will cut off one aspect of my life or another.

 

There are pros and cons for choosing both ways. But the "con" for both decisions is that someone will inevitably get hurt.

 

I'm very empathic, so it's really hard for me to confront people, or to take actions that I know will cause someone pain, because I have a hard time dealing with the emotions of others.

 

I try looking into my heart for wisdom, but it seems to be as confused as I am. There seems to be no right way forward, only wrong ways forward. Granted, that's because I'm viewing the situation through a lens of "I hate hurting people, how can I do this without hurting anyone."

 

But I can't find an answer. I'm attached to my world the way it is, and it has to change soon and I'm going to lose something. What I lose is my decision (essentially, I am having to decide which of my two closest friends I get to hurt), but I'm having a very hard time making it.

 

To be fair, it's my fault that I let the situation develop this way. My avoidance of conflict and my trying to make everyone happy led me to dig a pretty deep hole.

 

At least I can be thankful that I'm psychologically capable of handling this situation now without spiraling into suicidal despair. Now it just makes me sad.

 

Bother. I hope I'm wise enough to avoid making this happen in the future. And at least once my decision is made, the biggest internal conflict in my life will be over. I can only imagine the wonders that will do for my practice.

 

How do YOU deal with situations where you know whatever choice you make someone's going to get hurt emotionally?

 

Do you see the phrase in my signature? Do no harm to yourself or others. I think that maybe you think you have to act, but why? There's no one forcing you to do anything. You may have to make a decision, but it doesn't mean that you have to hurt one and the other, perhaps just refusing to take part in the conflict at all might be the best course of action. If you step back and let things play out between the people fighting, then you haven't harmed anyone and no one can harm you. In the case of arguments, sometimes this is the best course of action to take. Of course there is always the opportunity to make amends and more often than not when those amends are sincere, then the party involved, if they were truly your friend in the first place, will accept the amends and your decision to not get involved.

 

I would say that if you know these people, then you're really the only one that can decide what you need to do, so take my advice with a grain of salt, since the world is rarely black and white, but often times a bit grey.

 

Aaron

[Cat Pillar]

Do you see the phrase in my signature? Do no harm to yourself or others. I think that maybe you think you have to act, but why? There's no one forcing you to do anything. You may have to make a decision, but it doesn't mean that you have to hurt one and the other, perhaps just refusing to take part in the conflict at all might be the best course of action. If you step back and let things play out between the people fighting, then you haven't harmed anyone and no one can harm you. In the case of arguments, sometimes this is the best course of action to take. Of course there is always the opportunity to make amends and more often than not when those amends are sincere, then the party involved, if they were truly your friend in the first place, will accept the amends and your decision to not get involved.

 

I would say that if you know these people, then you're really the only one that can decide what you need to do, so take my advice with a grain of salt, since the world is rarely black and white, but often times a bit grey.

 

Aaron

 

The phrase in your signature is generally how I try to live my life, although until recently I didn't care much about harm to myself.

 

The issue is not an argument between the two friends. It's a situation I created when I was suicidally depressed...I created two different lives on diverging paths, and now I have to choose one or the other, or neither. Neither will hurt both friends.

 

Venting always helps though...I'm already started to see the situation with more clarity.

[Protector]

edit: since you don't need it

Edited May 2, 2012 by Sinfest

[Aetherous]

When I was in high school, a motivational speaker came and gave us a talk one day. The only one I ever cared for...

 

The jist of what he said was: in this life everyone wants to push you in all directions, they are like waves against you. Be a huge rock and don't be pushed by anyone, no matter who they are. Have your own goals and live your own life...no one else's ideas for your life are relevant in comparison.

 

So in your situation, you are allowing yourself to be pushed by two opposite waves, forgetting that you're a sturdy rock. You are the one that makes your own waves! Of course you don't want to hurt anyone...and I'm sure you won't actually hurt anyone by making whatever the better decision is. There is real hurt, and then there is minor hurt.

 

There are spiritual people in the world, I think the Jains, who refuse to harm even an insect...so they go out of their way to ensure that no bug is harmed...destroying their own enjoyment of life in the process because they can't even walk on the grass without fear of stepping on a worm (or something).

 

There has to be a balance between not harming, and on the other hand, being decisive and living the life that you want. That means, don't be too harmless...for your own sake.

 

Good luck.

[RiverSnake]

Its best not to make decisions while emotional, are inner wisdom tends to get blocked when the waves of emotion within begin to stir....it happens to the best of us.

 

Take some time off (however long is necessary) for yourself and get away from all exterior influences. Then when you feel you are within a state of peace and clarity in which you can channel your deeper wisdom...make your decision.

 

-My 2 cents, Peace

[Cat Pillar]

When I was in high school, a motivational speaker came and gave us a talk one day. The only one I ever cared for...

 

The jist of what he said was: in this life everyone wants to push you in all directions, they are like waves against you. Be a huge rock and don't be pushed by anyone, no matter who they are. Have your own goals and live your own life...no one else's ideas for your life are relevant in comparison.

 

So in your situation, you are allowing yourself to be pushed by two opposite waves, forgetting that you're a sturdy rock. You are the one that makes your own waves! Of course you don't want to hurt anyone...and I'm sure you won't actually hurt anyone by making whatever the better decision is. There is real hurt, and then there is minor hurt.

 

There are spiritual people in the world, I think the Jains, who refuse to harm even an insect...so they go out of their way to ensure that no bug is harmed...destroying their own enjoyment of life in the process because they can't even walk on the grass without fear of stepping on a worm (or something).

 

There has to be a balance between not harming, and on the other hand, being decisive and living the life that you want. That means, don't be too harmless...for your own sake.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks for the reply...it's something I often lose sight of.

 

A recurring theme of my life is I tend to sacrifice my own dreams and goals in order to make other people happy. That is part of how this situation developed in the first place.

[Cat Pillar]

Its best not to make decisions while emotional, are inner wisdom tends to get blocked when the waves of emotion within begin to stir....it happens to the best of us.

 

Take some time off (however long is necessary) for yourself and get away from all exterior influences. Then when you feel you are within a state of peace and clarity in which you can channel your deeper wisdom...make your decision.

 

-My 2 cents, Peace

 

Good advice. This is certainly a decision I do not wish to make blindly in a rush of emotion.

[Aaron]

The phrase in your signature is generally how I try to live my life, although until recently I didn't care much about harm to myself.

 

The issue is not an argument between the two friends. It's a situation I created when I was suicidally depressed...I created two different lives on diverging paths, and now I have to choose one or the other, or neither. Neither will hurt both friends.

 

Venting always helps though...I'm already started to see the situation with more clarity.

 

Alright, then make amends for what you've done to the best of your ability. Talk to those people involved honestly and tell them how you feel and what your part in this is, then tell them that you're sorry. If you make a sincere amends you're taking the first step towards resolving the issue.

 

Remember it's very important that we take responsibility for the harm we've caused others, directly and indirectly. If we don't then this harm can come back to haunt us later.

 

Aaron

[thelerner]

Let people know you care about them and will be there if they need you (if that is indeed the truth), then if you have to cut, cut sharp. Say what you need to and be prepared to listen intently, giving them space if needed. Presence and good listening soften harsh messages.

[Clarity]

Hi,

 

I would suggest first getting some neutrality around injury, judgement, and blame. When you said the words "cut off" I felt a big energetic weakness around trauma. That's a spiritual experience of getting your leg cut off, corrected and deleted. There's also a weakness around your ancestors traumatizing others, corrected and deleted.

 

Then the limitation of having no choice comes up as needing strengthening (that energy is weak), also corrected and deleted.

 

Sincerely,

 

-Adam

[zanshin]

So you're standing at a crossroads and you have to go somewhere, because everything in life moves and changes. Even rocks shift and weather. I think maybe your logic and intuition are telling you which way to go, but you're hesitating from fear and of course empathy. It takes integrity, strength and mental toughness to move forward to follow the path that's right for you. Can be kinder to move and let other find their own path than to stay and not so secretly harbor unhappiness, resentment and ilusions.

[Cat Pillar]

Alright, then make amends for what you've done to the best of your ability. Talk to those people involved honestly and tell them how you feel and what your part in this is, then tell them that you're sorry. If you make a sincere amends you're taking the first step towards resolving the issue.

 

Remember it's very important that we take responsibility for the harm we've caused others, directly and indirectly. If we don't then this harm can come back to haunt us later.

 

Aaron

 

This is pretty much what I'm going to do. It's the only sane course forward.

 

-----------------------------------------

 

Let people know you care about them and will be there if they need you (if that is indeed the truth), then if you have to cut, cut sharp. Say what you need to and be prepared to listen intently, giving them space if needed. Presence and good listening soften harsh messages.

 

Yes, I have no intentions of abandoning anyone, although it may feel like that to one party.

 

 

-----------------------------------------

 

Hi,

 

I would suggest first getting some neutrality around injury, judgement, and blame. When you said the words "cut off" I felt a big energetic weakness around trauma. That's a spiritual experience of getting your leg cut off, corrected and deleted. There's also a weakness around your ancestors traumatizing others, corrected and deleted.

 

Then the limitation of having no choice comes up as needing strengthening (that energy is weak), also corrected and deleted.

 

Sincerely,

 

-Adam

 

I'm a little confused by your post. Would you be willing to elaborate?

 

----------------------------------

 

So you're standing at a crossroads and you have to go somewhere, because everything in life moves and changes. Even rocks shift and weather. I think maybe your logic and intuition are telling you which way to go, but you're hesitating from fear and of course empathy. It takes integrity, strength and mental toughness to move forward to follow the path that's right for you. Can be kinder to move and let other find their own path than to stay and not so secretly harbor unhappiness, resentment and ilusions.

 

You are correct. My heart knows the answer, and I just need to own it.

 

Thanks everyone for your replies. Last night I was thinking a lot about this, and I decided that I need to look at this as an opportunity to further my practice with real life application. Honesty and remaining true to myself are what this situation calls for - once I've done my part as well as I can, I need to remain unattached to the outcome and accept what happens.