Expressing anger/setting boundaries..feeling pride versus sucking it up showing love all the time

[skydog]

sometimes ill be at peace all day then someone will do something like spit in front of me..which makes me want to express a few swearwords anger etc. I feel this is neccessary on the one hand im proud of myself for sticking up for myself and being brave, fierce and strong on the other i feel like ive lost my cool.

 

 

opinions?

[Jetsun]

I spent most my life sucking it up and not getting angry and in the end it made me ill. I think anger is something generally misunderstood by many because of religious conditioning people think anger will send you to hell or give you a lifetime of bad karma, but clean anger can be used to bring back love into a situation and empower you to bring back balance and truth, and often underlying anger is pain so if you deny the anger you may never get to and heal the pain underneath.

 

My personal opinion is that a lot of people need better boundaries and better separation from others more than they need oneness and unification.

[Marblehead]

I spent most my life sucking it up and not getting angry and in the end it made me ill. I think anger is something generally misunderstood by many because of religious conditioning people think anger will send you to hell or give you a lifetime of bad karma, but clean anger can be used to bring back love into a situation and empower you to bring back balance and truth, and often underlying anger is pain so if you deny the anger you may never get to and heal the pain underneath.

That was a lesson that took me a long time to learn.

 

Anger need not include only negative connotations.

[Chang]

"Never give way to anger-

otherwise in one day you could burn up the wood

that you collected in many bitter weeks."

 

Meng-Tse

 

Anger is a loss of self control. Such a loss only makes it more difficult to deal with a given situation.

[Jetsun]

it

"Never give way to anger-

otherwise in one day you could burn up the wood

that you collected in many bitter weeks."

 

Meng-Tse

 

Anger is a loss of self control. Such a loss only makes it more difficult to deal with a given situation.

 

Or anger may give you the energy and power to deal with a situation, you can have anger in your awareness without it completely controlling you. You don't have to give way to anger you can use it, for if it exists it must have a purpose yet religions try to get people to disown it altogether which is just another way of controlling people and taking away their power.

[zanshin]

I don't think it's necessarily unloving to feel sadness or anger. I love nature, couple weeks ago we went canoeing and the river was just trashed; I did feel sad and angry. So I picked up a few things in my bag which objectively not really changing anything, but I'll still go back and do it again. If we see others suffering maybe it makes us mad and that fires us up to get off our butt and help out. Simply being nice and pleasant when inside you really don't like what's going on is not loving, it usually ends up being passive aggressiveness. I think a little self love and boundaries are healthy too. Might not be a good choice to scream and swear at random jerks who spit on the sidewalk, too many jerks, gotta feel love for your vocal cords don't overstrain them.

[eye_of_the_storm]

imo

 

be natural

 

if anger be anger

 

if sad be sad

 

if happy be happy

 

if love be love

 

don't pretend / unless you feel like pretending

 

^ all the rest is just conforming to the desires of society = unnatural

 

there is no should and should not be

 

be and be aware

Edited May 9, 2012 by White Wolf Running On Air

[Stosh]

sometimes ill be at peace all day then someone will do something like spit in front of me..which makes me want to express a few swearwords anger etc. I feel this is neccessary on the one hand im proud of myself for sticking up for myself and being brave, fierce and strong on the other i feel like ive lost my cool.

 

 

opinions?

Great topic ,,

Yeah you did lose your cool.

You took the path opposite peace, the warpath.

Sure is exhilirating though, but there is a catch, It eats you up too...

 

Ive been ruminating today and I am working out a schema, something along the lines as follows, maybe you can straighten it up and make it sound good..

 

The internal dialog that a person has inside their mind, about themselves and to themselves ,

often plays out in the external stage and in the reverse as well.

 

The harsh judgement that I sometimes point at other folks,

is the same harsh judgement I impose on myself.

And would it not also be fitting that, if I can find in myself a means to be gentler owtwardly,

that I could ease up on myself as well.

 

One thing seems clear though, faking it doesnt work.

[Aetherous]

sometimes ill be at peace all day then someone will do something like spit in front of me..which makes me want to express a few swearwords anger etc. I feel this is neccessary on the one hand im proud of myself for sticking up for myself and being brave, fierce and strong on the other i feel like ive lost my cool.

 

 

opinions?

 

Being a doormat for others (like allowing them to spit in front of you) is not being at peace. Just like in a real war, we can only get peace by ensuring that our enemies aren't going to attack us. Being defenseless is not peace...that is asking and waiting for self destruction.

 

Take care of all issues between people in your life, then you have peace.

 

There are too many people (even supposedly spiritual people) in this world who will judge you for losing your cool. I am not one of them. So do what is natural... spit back.

 

[三江源]

I have been on the receiving end of some very brusque unhelpful behaviour, unkind behaviour indeed.. and told that it is skillful use of 'ego shocks' and that I should suck it up.

 

(Not from someone I have asked to be my teacher.)

 

In such an instance, there is a menu of options:

 

a) suck it up, because 'so what'... it doesnt really matter

 

b ) spit back, because dont mess with me uninvited, everything matters

 

 

Anyone have any ideas for further menu options?

 

I can see both points of view and have oscillated between them until reaching saturation point of 'enough is enough' and have just had enough already of the mind games..

 

what would you all do, if the antagonisms you experience on a daily basis were presented to you as calculated violations to shift you to the part of you that is essentially unviolable.

 

Where do we choose to live? One what part of the scale of reactivity?

[Jetsun]

I have been on the receiving end of some very brusque unhelpful behaviour, unkind behaviour indeed.. and told that it is skillful use of 'ego shocks' and that I should suck it up.

 

(Not from someone I have asked to be my teacher.)

 

In such an instance, there is a menu of options:

 

a) suck it up, because 'so what'... it doesnt really matter

 

b ) spit back, because dont mess with me uninvited, everything matters

 

 

Anyone have any ideas for further menu options?

 

I can see both points of view and have oscillated between them until reaching saturation point of 'enough is enough' and have just had enough already of the mind games..

 

what would you all do, if the antagonisms you experience on a daily basis were presented to you as calculated violations to shift you to the part of you that is essentially unviolable.

 

Where do we choose to live? One what part of the scale of reactivity?

 

I don't really agree with spitting back as a first resort, you can use anger to calmly but firmly set boundaries by verbally explaining how a persons behaviour isn't acceptable to you, and then if they continue you can spit back with a clear conscience. Nobody has a right to give you ego shocks if they are not your teacher and you haven't asked for them, for a start unless they are an enlightened master themselves they wouldn't possibly know how to do such things with any sort of skill.

[三江源]

I don't really agree with spitting back as a first resort, you can use anger to calmly but firmly set boundaries by verbally explaining how a persons behaviour isn't acceptable to you, and then if they continue you can spit back with a clear conscience. Nobody has a right to give you ego shocks if they are not your teacher and you haven't asked for them, for a start unless they are an enlightened master themselves they wouldn't possibly know how to do such things with any sort of skill.

 

Yes, after I wrote above post I thought "we - ell, I suppose everyone is your teacher..invited or not.." in which case the onus to find skill is in the recipient not the dealer.

I agree with you, spitting back isnt my chosen ideal first port of call, due to escalation and stalemate situation, and yet, at some point, to say DONT TREAD ON ME is the most important thing one can say.. at other times, surrendering to be trodden on can be the most productive experience.

 

Makes me think of the Byron Katie work.

[Aetherous]

I don't really agree with spitting back as a first resort, you can use anger to calmly but firmly set boundaries by verbally explaining how a persons behaviour isn't acceptable to you, and then if they continue you can spit back with a clear conscience. Nobody has a right to give you ego shocks if they are not your teacher and you haven't asked for them, for a start unless they are an enlightened master themselves they wouldn't possibly know how to do such things with any sort of skill.

 

You can also bore your "enemies" to death...probably easiest way to make them vanish.

[mYTHmAKER]

I have been on the receiving end of some very brusque unhelpful behaviour, unkind behaviour indeed.. and told that it is skillful use of 'ego shocks' and that I should suck it up.

 

(Not from someone I have asked to be my teacher.)

 

In such an instance, there is a menu of options:

 

a) suck it up, because 'so what'... it doesnt really matter

 

b ) spit back, because dont mess with me uninvited, everything matters

 

 

Anyone have any ideas for further menu options?

 

I can see both points of view and have oscillated between them until reaching saturation point of 'enough is enough' and have just had enough already of the mind games..

 

what would you all do, if the antagonisms you experience on a daily basis were presented to you as calculated violations to shift you to the part of you that is essentially unviolable.

 

Where do we choose to live? One what part of the scale of reactivity?

 

Once there was a snake who was biting all the villagers and keeping them in a state of fear.

A wise man heard about it and had a talk with the snake - told him not to bite anyone - the snake was in awe of the wise man so she listened to him.

A few years later the wise man returned to the village and noticed the snake all bruised and in terrible shape.

He asked the snake whats up with that? The snake said - you told me not to bite anyone and I haven't.

The wise man said - no one told you not to hiss.

[三江源]

Once there was a snake who was biting all the villagers and keeping them in a state of fear.

A wise man heard about it and had a talk with the snake - told him not to bite anyone - the snake was in awe of the wise man so she listened to him.

A few years later the wise man returned to the village and noticed the snake all bruised and in terrible shape.

He asked the snake whats up with that? The snake said - you told me not to bite anyone and I haven't.

The wise man said - no one told you not to hiss.

 

 

_/\_

[Jetsun]

You can also bore your "enemies" to death...probably easiest way to make them vanish.

 

Some people enjoy the drama of conflict and spitting at each other, you have to be careful not to get sucked into their world unless you want to get covered in crap..

[zanshin]

Some people enjoy the drama of conflict and spitting at each other, you have to be careful not to get sucked into their world unless you want to get covered in crap..

 

 

Or you can be ridiculously kind and make them feel a little dumb and self concious. "oh my, that sounds terrible. Does your throat hurt? Do you need a tissue? I think I have some cough drops. Hope you get some rest and feel better, Sweetie."

[NeiChuan]

"Never give way to anger-

otherwise in one day you could burn up the wood

that you collected in many bitter weeks."

 

Meng-Tse

 

Anger is a loss of self control. Such a loss only makes it more difficult to deal with a given situation.

 

I don't agree that is a loss of control, if that were true, other emotions would be aswell. It depends on how a person deals with anger. If you have control of your emotions, you can choose which times are the correct times to be angry.

 

Also, to OP, being assertive isn't always being angry, so you can let people know the line that way.

Edited May 9, 2012 by NeiChuan

[thelerner]

sometimes ill be at peace all day then someone will do something like spit in front of me..which makes me want to express a few swearwords anger etc. I feel this is necessary on the one hand im proud of myself for sticking up for myself and being brave, fierce and strong on the other i feel like ive lost my cool.

 

opinions?

This is exactly the conundrum I had with Harmonious Emptiness a few weeks back. Perhaps it would have showed more peace to leave it alone, but I PM'd him questioning his version of history, relatively calmly. He did, and we got into somewhat heated back and forth, but both being people of good faith we hammered out what we could agree on and not. I think it ended well.

 

In conflict, first be honest. With yourself and calmly with the other person. Or not so calmly if the situation calls for it. Otherwise it comes out as anal retentive actions or it'll eat you up a bit. Express your truth, see if there's room for rational discussion, if not walk away, even at a 'loss'.

 

I think the trick is forgiving quickly, not holding grudging, and moving towards peace as soon as the situation allows.

[Stosh]

Some clarification may be in order, are you saying the person did spit on you, spit in front of you in threat , spit near you and you had issues with it.. or what?

The responses suggested may differ depending on what you are getting at.

 

If the event was insult, you might have a really low tolerance level,or there is a chance you deserve it,

(I dont know you).

If you are a seething cauldron underneath and all it takes is the 'slightest little thing'

to permit you to behave like an animal, then maybe you're in love with the violence.

If it was actually a threat of more serious things to come, responding more strongly may be the reasonable thing.

 

But it is always easy to be nice to the nice, that takes little effort or integrity.

What takes more integrity ,is to keep your cool under pressure.

 

I see it all the time, one good broadside volley, and dudes dive for the gutter to drink a "bellyful of filthy water". It makes the warm and fuzzy talk look like a sham , whatever their convictions were.. they drop em like hot rocks.

That aint everybody though, Ive come to respect those that hold their convictions till they dont have any good options left, other than take the Low road.

[Aetherous]

About therion's post...hopefully those that hurt others with energy are able to avoid harming themselves in the process! As they say,

 

Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burnt

 

Combined with neigong, the self-destruction is amplified! But no judgment here. (don't hurt me! )

 

It is a very good point that you just wind up in trouble if you get into a physical fight. Best to avoid at all cost. Be smart.

 

Edit: Hmmmmmm, his post appears to have vanished!

Edited May 10, 2012 by Scotty

[Jetsun]

You can build up your rage and channel it like this dude

 

 

 

 

But you still wont be as strong as someone trained by the God of Wushu and his mate Whitebeard

 

 

[Harmonious Emptiness]

Yeah, I think it's important to express how you feel, but you don't have to let your control you. They say the heart is the king in that it controls the other organs and emotions (you can also cool the heart by breathing though). So you can easily express your point of view without losing domain over your heart. Maybe that person needs to hear what you have to say. It might actually do them some good and if you tell them without disturbing your pulse you might teach them something like "we don't have to be vulgar to have our dignity and assert ourself." You might bring the person to a more open state of awareness by dealing with the situation in this manner.

 

Sometimes people are not aware of the impact of their actions so you would be right to bring this fact to light - that what they did was disgusting, just with "oh come on man!"

 

A good example is when thelerner PMed me. I made a comment and didn't quite realize all the implications of it in response to a comment by thelerner which basically made the same oversight. I think we both gained from the conversation in the end since neither of us got too ahead of ourselves in the process. We both seemed to have the interest of informing the other person so it didn't get too "off the hook" or past the point of no return.

 

So I'd say speak up, but don't sacrifice your dignity in the process. Mostly people just look really foolish when they become angry. "The wise learn more from fools than fools learn from the wise"

Edited May 10, 2012 by Harmonious Emptiness

[de_paradise]

Surrender can be used as a cultivation stepping stone because its an automatic diminishment of your ego. I'm not talking about surrendering but stealthily harboring bad feelings, but really work on purging that out by creating a feeling of surrender whenever the thoughts might come up. The things you can surrender to are limitless, and I discovered a most valuable meditation the other day, which is to surrender to the sound of the ticking clock. (surrender to time imperative)

 

Not all situations in your life need to be used as an exercise in surrender. You need to assert yourself when its important. Like in that parable of the snake hissing.

 

Sometimes faking anger is a good way to get control of the times when anger might control you. Act angry but inside you dont really care that much. Somtimes the other person only understands anger and its appropriate. Most situations we dont need to be angry or pull and ugly face and can be used as a cultivation opportunity.

 

I'd like to add that I agree with Scotty in that if you do qigong or have a larger energy influence, then you have a responsibility to yourself and others to avoid negative emotions including anger.

Edited May 10, 2012 by de_paradise

[zanshin]

That one is an old teacher trick. Maybe not faking anger but starting out a little stern and serious even about things you really aren't upset about or even secretly find a little amusing. Then later, you can relax and have more fun, but if it starts to get a little out of control, you can go back to the other way and everyone gets serious pretty quick because they remember that's how it is. Teachers who start out super nice and trying to be a good friend to all can end up with things out of control. Then when they change to seem stern and set boundaries the kids feel hurt and betrayed and it doesn't work well.