Battling addiction and the road ahead

[Lotus7]

Hello Bums! It has been a long time since I have posted here, mainly because I have been unable to for reasons that I will later explain, but also because I have not felt that I had anything to contribute do to the lifestyle that I have been leading. Let me start of first by saying that I tend to paint a pretty picture of myself on the outside, while my inner demons wage wars with my soul. I gain all of this knowledge on philosophy and meditation, etc., (information overload), but I can never bring myself to actually put any of it into action.

 

I have been battling with addiction for the better part of the last six years. It has mainly been alcohol, but I have also experienced short-term addictions to other substances. However I know that whatever the drug may be, it alone is not the root of my addiction. My addiction starts with me. I am my biggest problem.

 

Let me give you a brief synopsis of the last six years. Towards the end of my high school career, I began to dabble in drugs such as marijuana, pills, what they call "robotrippin"(where you drink cough medicine to get high), and of course alcohol. Keep in mind that I have dealt with depression since the age of 15 or so. There was one day, (after I had graduated high school) that a friend of mine offered me cocaine- so of course me being the little experimentalist that I was, I said "Ok, sure!" *SNIFF* And thus began a 4 or 5 month addiction to cocaine. And let me tell you it got pretty bad towards the end. It got so bad that I began stealing money from my parents to buy the stuff. Well of course they found out fairly easily. I told them that I was on drugs, and so my father, (who has also been addicted to substance in the past), told me about the program of Narcotics Anonymous(a 12 step based program stemming from Alcoholics Anonymous). I started to attend meeting with my father there for support. It was not long until the desire to use the drug ceased to exist within my mind.

 

At this point in my life, my parents and I did not have the best relationship- me being rebellious and going against everything they would tell me. So I decided I was moving out at the "all-grown-up" age of 19. So, against my mothers pleading and my fathers warning I moved to a large college town near my home. I was arrested and charged with a DUI on the second night after I had moved. No matter, I told myself, I will just keep drinking. So for the next 2 and a half years I went on drinking and partying giving no thought to the fact that I may have a problem with alcohol. I was arrested shortly before I left the college town for failure to complete probation and served 8 days in jail.

 

So, I shall move forward a bit. After moving back to my parents home and having a very unsuccessful stay there (because of my drinking), I moved in with my grandparents. I got a job and met a girl whom I would form a relationship with until this day. Our first date was at a bar. Our second date was at a bar; and so on it went. I ended up burning my grandparents because of my drinking, so I moved in with this girl. Well she eventually grew weary of my intolerance to alcohol and decided to leave me. I had nowhere to go and no one to turn to except family.

 

Father told me I needed rehab. So I went to a treatment center for a 45 day program. I left on day 37. The girl I mentioned earlier was 6 months pregnant with out baby boy and I wanted to be with her and thought I was strong enough to go back out into the world and not drink. My arrogance to my addiction took over about 3 months later and again I began drinking. So on it went for the next 2 years(with a couple arrests and a million fights between my girlfriend and I). Not even the birth of my precious son was enough to make me stop. So on December 22nd of last year, she finally had enough and called the police one night because I was home drunk and she did not feel safe going there. I ended up getting arrested for failure to complete yet another probation, and served 45 days in jail.

 

While in jail, my father came to me and said that I must go back to rehab if I am ever going to have a life for myself and be a father. I agreed wholeheartedly. I was a broken man. So on February 4th of this year I admitted myself into a private rehab that was supposed to be a 13 month program. I stayed for about 2 months and decided to leave that center because I felt that it was very similar to a cult. I checked myself into another rehab, one with a bit more freedom and I greatly enjoyed my newly found sober life for a time. I acquired an excellent job making really good money, my family was coming around, I was regularly attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, etc. Life was getting better and I was getting cockier. So one day, about three weeks ago I decided I was going to leave the treatment center and get an apartment in town. I picked up my check from work, went and packed my bags and left my better judgement to the wind.

 

I ended up checking myself into an extended stay hotel that day and immediately went to the liquor store and bought a gallon of vodka. For the next two weeks I locked myself into a hotel room and drank myself into oblivion, emerging only to resupply my habit. There were days during this period where I literally felt was going to die. I had pains all over my body, I was hallucinating, felt that my life-breath was going to leave my body at any given moment. My parents, my girl, my friends, the owner of the rehab- they were all trying to contact me and reach out, but I continuously ignored their phone calls until one day I realized-Hey, I really do not want to live like this anymore. So on the last day of my stay, I was completely out of money;had nowhere to go; paranoid and anxious- I just prayed for God to guide me. My father came and picked me up and we went and had lunch. I felt horribly physically because I had not eaten in days, and mentally because I was utterly defeated at the age of twenty-four. We discussed some options, and came up with the conclusion that I should return to the rehab. That day, 4 days ago and by the grace of God, I was allowed to come back. My second day here I found another job and it looks promising....

 

So that is briefly my past 6 years. I am not proud of any of it. I hurt so many people, burned so many bridges, and lost out on some truly wonderful opportunities- all because of my inability to quit drinking. I love life and want to live. You know it is funny to me how for the better part of 6 years, I can become so acquainted with such beautiful traditions such as Daoism and Buddhism, fully knowing their potential for my life and yet go in the exact opposite direction. I was sober for 6 months and then just decided to drink out of nowhere. That is the power of this thing I have- I don't know whether to call it a disease, an affliction or what, but I know it is the most powerful thing I have ever attempted to overcome.

 

What I was hoping to gain from all of you lovely souls is advice on how to pick myself up from the mire and be the person I was truly meant to be. I would love all different angles. From practices I can start to books I can read, prayers, mantras, energy work, literature on addiction that come from maybe a more spiritual point of view, etc. But most of all one thing: The WILLINGNESS. Willingness to start practicing change. To stop being lazy and just do it. I know all of the potential in the Universe is out there for me to grab, I just have not been able to reach out and grab it and I want to know how! I want to LIVE! I am so tired of being sick and tired! The words I am sitting here typing can not even begin to express my thirst and yearning for a better life and a more meaningful spiritual existence. I want to know God... I want to know ME so I can change ME.

 

Bums, For the past 5 years I have ALWAYS received strength and encouragement from your words, even if I did not put them into action. I couldn't. I was drowning, and there simply was not much I could do until I learned to swim. I want to learn to swim. Please help me in anyway that you see fit. Even though do not know any of you personally, I truly love you all. Thank you so much for all you do.

 

Love and Light, Matt

[kentucker4]

Hello Bums! It has been a long time since I have posted here, mainly because I have been unable to for reasons that I will later explain, but also because I have not felt that I had anything to contribute do to the lifestyle that I have been leading. Let me start of first by saying that I tend to paint a pretty picture of myself on the outside, while my inner demons wage wars with my soul. I gain all of this knowledge on philosophy and meditation, etc., (information overload), but I can never bring myself to actually put any of it into action.

 

I have been battling with addiction for the better part of the last six years. It has mainly been alcohol, but I have also experienced short-term addictions to other substances. However I know that whatever the drug may be, it alone is not the root of my addiction. My addiction starts with me. I am my biggest problem.

 

Let me give you a brief synopsis of the last six years. Towards the end of my high school career, I began to dabble in drugs such as marijuana, pills, what they call "robotrippin"(where you drink cough medicine to get high), and of course alcohol. Keep in mind that I have dealt with depression since the age of 15 or so. There was one day, (after I had graduated high school) that a friend of mine offered me cocaine- so of course me being the little experimentalist that I was, I said "Ok, sure!" *SNIFF* And thus began a 4 or 5 month addiction to cocaine. And let me tell you it got pretty bad towards the end. It got so bad that I began stealing money from my parents to buy the stuff. Well of course they found out fairly easily. I told them that I was on drugs, and so my father, (who has also been addicted to substance in the past), told me about the program of Narcotics Anonymous(a 12 step based program stemming from Alcoholics Anonymous). I started to attend meeting with my father there for support. It was not long until the desire to use the drug ceased to exist within my mind.

 

At this point in my life, my parents and I did not have the best relationship- me being rebellious and going against everything they would tell me. So I decided I was moving out at the "all-grown-up" age of 19. So, against my mothers pleading and my fathers warning I moved to a large college town near my home. I was arrested and charged with a DUI on the second night after I had moved. No matter, I told myself, I will just keep drinking. So for the next 2 and a half years I went on drinking and partying giving no thought to the fact that I may have a problem with alcohol. I was arrested shortly before I left the college town for failure to complete probation and served 8 days in jail.

 

So, I shall move forward a bit. After moving back to my parents home and having a very unsuccessful stay there (because of my drinking), I moved in with my grandparents. I got a job and met a girl whom I would form a relationship with until this day. Our first date was at a bar. Our second date was at a bar; and so on it went. I ended up burning my grandparents because of my drinking, so I moved in with this girl. Well she eventually grew weary of my intolerance to alcohol and decided to leave me. I had nowhere to go and no one to turn to except family.

 

Father told me I needed rehab. So I went to a treatment center for a 45 day program. I left on day 37. The girl I mentioned earlier was 6 months pregnant with out baby boy and I wanted to be with her and thought I was strong enough to go back out into the world and not drink. My arrogance to my addiction took over about 3 months later and again I began drinking. So on it went for the next 2 years(with a couple arrests and a million fights between my girlfriend and I). Not even the birth of my precious son was enough to make me stop. So on December 22nd of last year, she finally had enough and called the police one night because I was home drunk and she did not feel safe going there. I ended up getting arrested for failure to complete yet another probation, and served 45 days in jail.

 

While in jail, my father came to me and said that I must go back to rehab if I am ever going to have a life for myself and be a father. I agreed wholeheartedly. I was a broken man. So on February 4th of this year I admitted myself into a private rehab that was supposed to be a 13 month program. I stayed for about 2 months and decided to leave that center because I felt that it was very similar to a cult. I checked myself into another rehab, one with a bit more freedom and I greatly enjoyed my newly found sober life for a time. I acquired an excellent job making really good money, my family was coming around, I was regularly attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, etc. Life was getting better and I was getting cockier. So one day, about three weeks ago I decided I was going to leave the treatment center and get an apartment in town. I picked up my check from work, went and packed my bags and left my better judgement to the wind.

 

I ended up checking myself into an extended stay hotel that day and immediately went to the liquor store and bought a gallon of vodka. For the next two weeks I locked myself into a hotel room and drank myself into oblivion, emerging only to resupply my habit. There were days during this period where I literally felt was going to die. I had pains all over my body, I was hallucinating, felt that my life-breath was going to leave my body at any given moment. My parents, my girl, my friends, the owner of the rehab- they were all trying to contact me and reach out, but I continuously ignored their phone calls until one day I realized-Hey, I really do not want to live like this anymore. So on the last day of my stay, I was completely out of money;had nowhere to go; paranoid and anxious- I just prayed for God to guide me. My father came and picked me up and we went and had lunch. I felt horribly physically because I had not eaten in days, and mentally because I was utterly defeated at the age of twenty-four. We discussed some options, and came up with the conclusion that I should return to the rehab. That day, 4 days ago and by the grace of God, I was allowed to come back. My second day here I found another job and it looks promising....

 

So that is briefly my past 6 years. I am not proud of any of it. I hurt so many people, burned so many bridges, and lost out on some truly wonderful opportunities- all because of my inability to quit drinking. I love life and want to live. You know it is funny to me how for the better part of 6 years, I can become so acquainted with such beautiful traditions such as Daoism and Buddhism, fully knowing their potential for my life and yet go in the exact opposite direction. I was sober for 6 months and then just decided to drink out of nowhere. That is the power of this thing I have- I don't know whether to call it a disease, an affliction or what, but I know it is the most powerful thing I have ever attempted to overcome.

 

What I was hoping to gain from all of you lovely souls is advice on how to pick myself up from the mire and be the person I was truly meant to be. I would love all different angles. From practices I can start to books I can read, prayers, mantras, energy work, literature on addiction that come from maybe a more spiritual point of view, etc. But most of all one thing: The WILLINGNESS. Willingness to start practicing change. To stop being lazy and just do it. I know all of the potential in the Universe is out there for me to grab, I just have not been able to reach out and grab it and I want to know how! I want to LIVE! I am so tired of being sick and tired! The words I am sitting here typing can not even begin to express my thirst and yearning for a better life and a more meaningful spiritual existence. I want to know God... I want to know ME so I can change ME.

 

Bums, For the past 5 years I have ALWAYS received strength and encouragement from your words, even if I did not put them into action. I couldn't. I was drowning, and there simply was not much I could do until I learned to swim. I want to learn to swim. Please help me in anyway that you see fit. Even though do not know any of you personally, I truly love you all. Thank you so much for all you do.

 

Love and Light, Matt

 

 

Hello Matt, be glad that you are only 24......as you age alcoholism literally destroys your nervous system and the the real fun starts with symptoms such as panic attacks and insomnia and generally feeling like you are losing your mind and then using stuff like benzos...powerful sedatives that further destroy your nervous system in order to simply feel normal. Please take this advice...stop now and you will consider yourself lucky for never having to go through the worst of it....what I would give if I could take a time machine back to when i was 24 and stop.

 

I am nearly 31 years old...my nervous system went haywire about 3 years ago after years of heavy drinking and it hit me like a brick wall...I couldn't sleep for months...panic attacks that made me wish for death.....then i found benzos to compensate....big mistake...have been withdrawing for almost a year now off of them....they are worst then the alcohol......please just stop now while your body is still healthy...because trust me, the worst is yet to come...if you think prison is bad...that is nothing compared to what I am warning you about...I have experienced both....so I know. So please stop out of fear if nothing else.

 

I have taken up Kungfu after withdrawing....it has been tough because my nervous system is still weak...but i would recommend it...gives you a tangible goal and self discipline. Has been a life changer for me...though I still struggle with the qigong part of it because of my weak nervous system...but it makes me feel better as long as i don't screw up and decide to drink, which condradicts it.

Edited June 11, 2012 by kentucker4

[Protector]

A tall glass of passion would do nice.

How do you teach passion anyway, it's the force that makes you move when you can't and ignores everything else.

It's strong in the weak who want to be strong and the power to live when you want to die

What's with your roller coaster ride, some vicious ride that is, taking you around in a circle never changing except you who grows old.

Feel worse - go to rehab, feel good - get drinkin, feel worse - go to rehab

Before feeling the worst, run to the rehab

Before finally escaping, get beaten by the glass

Are you dizzy, yet? Could avoid the ride tho, it's not easy while you're still fastened into your seat. You could change your mind but everything else is no different.

Your room is the same, your checks are are paid for,

look in the mirror and the same thing looks back

Get a haircut, new outfit, move somewhere, and change the world itself

Everything in it is made of what was your past life and takes you for the same ride

New cut and jacket won't mean anything if you don't also change the one who wears it

This is where your meditation takes place

If I go into your room I wont see it the way you do

Maybe when you move you will still look at the new room the same way as the old one

Maybe you don't need to move or get a haircut if you change the spirit behind it

I know exactly how it all happened since it works the same everywhere

Beware your thoughts, for they will become your words

Beware your words, for they will become your actions

Beware your actions, for they will become your habits

Beware your habits, for they will seal your fate

It's wont be easy to change what you've been creating for six years now

But you already have the materials you can use

Put your pain and frustration to use in meditation

Every time you felt you hit the bottom you decided to bounce back

Don't leave any doors open for escape, there wont be any help for you

Don't think about going to rehab if you're down again and don't fear failure

Fear your destiny and death, make it one way road with a light at the end

Fight for your survival, your words and wisdom wont help you if you don't use them

If there was an easy way you would've already taken it, take the hardest way

This is the rooting down theory everyone have been talking about,

This is why the low energy is survival while high is wisdom

You can't use your wisdom without being strong and determined, time to take control

 

[C T]

It takes much courage to face the truth.

 

Short of time. I recommend "The Meaning of Happiness' by Alan Watts.

[manitou]

Lotus, what courage and self discovery it has taken for you to post your inner being here with us. Please know that I too am an alcoholic; I just haven't indulged the first drink in over 30 years.

 

I am at serious risk for being seriously boring here. I did notice the multiple stints you've done in recovery programs. I didn't hear you mention the 12 steps of recovery, though.

 

When I first started working the 12 steps, I thought it was only to keep from drinking any more. I didn't know at the time that the very process of going in and finding your fears, your resentments....this is the very thing that places our feet on the road to Self-Awareness, self-realization. It is this process that must be followed for us to reach the Awareness that we on this site seek.

 

The 12 steps changed me 180 degrees; from a cynical and judgmental person (I'm a retired cop, so that came with the territory), into a more gentle and accepting person, a person who values totally different things than back when I was living the alcoholic dream.

 

Although I know nobody wants to hear advice like this, PLEASE go back and revisit the 12 steps in a way that you have not before. If there is anything I can do to assist you with this, I'd be happy to be a sounding board, if you need one. It's the inner journey, pure and simple; the beauty of it is that the steps are so Simple (but not easy)....

 

Best wishes to you, friend. Please contact me if I can help.

 

Barbara

[silas]

Subliminal meditation is a form of hypnotic guided meditation. That might help if practiced every day, several times a day. Most of the goals you mention are specific features of subliminal meditation. All you need is a PC with a microphone and a speaker system.

 

http://taocurrents.org/2012/06/09/subliminal-meditation-to-eliminate-blockages-and-open-a-path-to-self-inquiry/

 

Edited June 11, 2012 by silas

[fizix]

No amount of inspirational words or external incluence can induce true willingness unto you. It can only can from you. You're willing, you say then? If you're truly willing, you already know what you need to do... Get a sponsor immediately, work the steps, attend 90 meetings in 90 days, take up commitments/service work... Get a phone list, call your sponsor/3 other alcoholics every day to check in..you know what you need to do, and it's not inquiring about a life-threatening disease on a web forum frequented mostly by teenagers who don't know what they're talking about and have no experience. The answer has already been within you the whole time, yet its so simple you may not want to hear it, but its waiting for you to surrender... If you're unwilling to work those fundamental aforementioned steps, you do not truly yet have the desire to end the insanity. I pray you are willing.

Edited June 11, 2012 by fizix

[Lotus7]

Lotus, what courage and self discovery it has taken for you to post your inner being here with us. Please know that I too am an alcoholic; I just haven't indulged the first drink in over 30 years.

 

I am at serious risk for being seriously boring here. I did notice the multiple stints you've done in recovery programs. I didn't hear you mention the 12 steps of recovery, though.

 

When I first started working the 12 steps, I thought it was only to keep from drinking any more. I didn't know at the time that the very process of going in and finding your fears, your resentments....this is the very thing that places our feet on the road to Self-Awareness, self-realization. It is this process that must be followed for us to reach the Awareness that we on this site seek.

 

The 12 steps changed me 180 degrees; from a cynical and judgmental person (I'm a retired cop, so that came with the territory), into a more gentle and accepting person, a person who values totally different things than back when I was living the alcoholic dream.

 

Although I know nobody wants to hear advice like this, PLEASE go back and revisit the 12 steps in a way that you have not before. If there is anything I can do to assist you with this, I'd be happy to be a sounding board, if you need one. It's the inner journey, pure and simple; the beauty of it is that the steps are so Simple (but not easy)....

 

Best wishes to you, friend. Please contact me if I can help.

 

Barbara

 

Thank you manitou(Barbara), fizix and all of the others who have replied. It is great to know that others in this spiritual community have experienced the devastation that an alcoholic lifestyle can bring and are familiar with the way out. I sometimes get in my head too much and allow my will to dominate my thought processes. I think , "Well, looks like I am the only one who has experienced these feelings and everyone else is just normal and happy." I know that this is simply not reality. I also realize that everyone has their vices, some worse than others.

 

Manitou, I really want to thank you for sharing a bit of your wisdom and experience. I have sat in those rooms night in and night out; listening and soaking in the stories of men and women who have worked a program of recovery. I have felt the inspiration, and have shared the tears. I suppose my problem has just been absolutely surrendering to the fact that I am an alcoholic at the age of 24. It sucks! And I really think that because of my inner denial, I have not been able to let go of my arrogance and self-deceit. But you are right- I know the steps work because I have seen it up close. Manitou, I would love to message privately more on the matter. Who knows? The Universe may have guided me to you for a reason. I believe that we are all much more alike than we care to concede. After all we are all of the same Source.

 

C T: As soon as I can get the extra money I will check out the book by Allen Watts. Or better yet, there is a library right down the street...

 

What are some meditation practices that I could incorporate with the working of these steps? Would some qigong be beneficial? I have a great book on chakra meditation that I believe will be extremely helpful once I begin some of the balancing practices- Because that is just what I am: UNBALANCED!

 

Anyway guys, I appreciate all of you for taking time out of your day to help a fellow bum. I would love to keep this thread going for a while. I think addiction is an incredible subject to ponder because the reality of the world today is most every one is seemingly addicted to something(or someone). I think it could really do wonders for many. However that is simply my opinion, let's see what the rest of you bums think

 

Love and Light, Matt

[Aaron]

Hello Bums! It has been a long time since I have posted here, mainly because I have been unable to for reasons that I will later explain, but also because I have not felt that I had anything to contribute do to the lifestyle that I have been leading. Let me start of first by saying that I tend to paint a pretty picture of myself on the outside, while my inner demons wage wars with my soul. I gain all of this knowledge on philosophy and meditation, etc., (information overload), but I can never bring myself to actually put any of it into action.

 

I have been battling with addiction for the better part of the last six years. It has mainly been alcohol, but I have also experienced short-term addictions to other substances. However I know that whatever the drug may be, it alone is not the root of my addiction. My addiction starts with me. I am my biggest problem.

 

Let me give you a brief synopsis of the last six years. Towards the end of my high school career, I began to dabble in drugs such as marijuana, pills, what they call "robotrippin"(where you drink cough medicine to get high), and of course alcohol. Keep in mind that I have dealt with depression since the age of 15 or so. There was one day, (after I had graduated high school) that a friend of mine offered me cocaine- so of course me being the little experimentalist that I was, I said "Ok, sure!" *SNIFF* And thus began a 4 or 5 month addiction to cocaine. And let me tell you it got pretty bad towards the end. It got so bad that I began stealing money from my parents to buy the stuff. Well of course they found out fairly easily. I told them that I was on drugs, and so my father, (who has also been addicted to substance in the past), told me about the program of Narcotics Anonymous(a 12 step based program stemming from Alcoholics Anonymous). I started to attend meeting with my father there for support. It was not long until the desire to use the drug ceased to exist within my mind.

 

At this point in my life, my parents and I did not have the best relationship- me being rebellious and going against everything they would tell me. So I decided I was moving out at the "all-grown-up" age of 19. So, against my mothers pleading and my fathers warning I moved to a large college town near my home. I was arrested and charged with a DUI on the second night after I had moved. No matter, I told myself, I will just keep drinking. So for the next 2 and a half years I went on drinking and partying giving no thought to the fact that I may have a problem with alcohol. I was arrested shortly before I left the college town for failure to complete probation and served 8 days in jail.

 

So, I shall move forward a bit. After moving back to my parents home and having a very unsuccessful stay there (because of my drinking), I moved in with my grandparents. I got a job and met a girl whom I would form a relationship with until this day. Our first date was at a bar. Our second date was at a bar; and so on it went. I ended up burning my grandparents because of my drinking, so I moved in with this girl. Well she eventually grew weary of my intolerance to alcohol and decided to leave me. I had nowhere to go and no one to turn to except family.

 

Father told me I needed rehab. So I went to a treatment center for a 45 day program. I left on day 37. The girl I mentioned earlier was 6 months pregnant with out baby boy and I wanted to be with her and thought I was strong enough to go back out into the world and not drink. My arrogance to my addiction took over about 3 months later and again I began drinking. So on it went for the next 2 years(with a couple arrests and a million fights between my girlfriend and I). Not even the birth of my precious son was enough to make me stop. So on December 22nd of last year, she finally had enough and called the police one night because I was home drunk and she did not feel safe going there. I ended up getting arrested for failure to complete yet another probation, and served 45 days in jail.

 

While in jail, my father came to me and said that I must go back to rehab if I am ever going to have a life for myself and be a father. I agreed wholeheartedly. I was a broken man. So on February 4th of this year I admitted myself into a private rehab that was supposed to be a 13 month program. I stayed for about 2 months and decided to leave that center because I felt that it was very similar to a cult. I checked myself into another rehab, one with a bit more freedom and I greatly enjoyed my newly found sober life for a time. I acquired an excellent job making really good money, my family was coming around, I was regularly attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, etc. Life was getting better and I was getting cockier. So one day, about three weeks ago I decided I was going to leave the treatment center and get an apartment in town. I picked up my check from work, went and packed my bags and left my better judgement to the wind.

 

I ended up checking myself into an extended stay hotel that day and immediately went to the liquor store and bought a gallon of vodka. For the next two weeks I locked myself into a hotel room and drank myself into oblivion, emerging only to resupply my habit. There were days during this period where I literally felt was going to die. I had pains all over my body, I was hallucinating, felt that my life-breath was going to leave my body at any given moment. My parents, my girl, my friends, the owner of the rehab- they were all trying to contact me and reach out, but I continuously ignored their phone calls until one day I realized-Hey, I really do not want to live like this anymore. So on the last day of my stay, I was completely out of money;had nowhere to go; paranoid and anxious- I just prayed for God to guide me. My father came and picked me up and we went and had lunch. I felt horribly physically because I had not eaten in days, and mentally because I was utterly defeated at the age of twenty-four. We discussed some options, and came up with the conclusion that I should return to the rehab. That day, 4 days ago and by the grace of God, I was allowed to come back. My second day here I found another job and it looks promising....

 

So that is briefly my past 6 years. I am not proud of any of it. I hurt so many people, burned so many bridges, and lost out on some truly wonderful opportunities- all because of my inability to quit drinking. I love life and want to live. You know it is funny to me how for the better part of 6 years, I can become so acquainted with such beautiful traditions such as Daoism and Buddhism, fully knowing their potential for my life and yet go in the exact opposite direction. I was sober for 6 months and then just decided to drink out of nowhere. That is the power of this thing I have- I don't know whether to call it a disease, an affliction or what, but I know it is the most powerful thing I have ever attempted to overcome.

 

What I was hoping to gain from all of you lovely souls is advice on how to pick myself up from the mire and be the person I was truly meant to be. I would love all different angles. From practices I can start to books I can read, prayers, mantras, energy work, literature on addiction that come from maybe a more spiritual point of view, etc. But most of all one thing: The WILLINGNESS. Willingness to start practicing change. To stop being lazy and just do it. I know all of the potential in the Universe is out there for me to grab, I just have not been able to reach out and grab it and I want to know how! I want to LIVE! I am so tired of being sick and tired! The words I am sitting here typing can not even begin to express my thirst and yearning for a better life and a more meaningful spiritual existence. I want to know God... I want to know ME so I can change ME.

 

Bums, For the past 5 years I have ALWAYS received strength and encouragement from your words, even if I did not put them into action. I couldn't. I was drowning, and there simply was not much I could do until I learned to swim. I want to learn to swim. Please help me in anyway that you see fit. Even though do not know any of you personally, I truly love you all. Thank you so much for all you do.

 

Love and Light, Matt

 

Hey Matt,

 

I'm happy to hear things are getting better. My advice, as someone who has recovered from alcoholism, go to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), practice the twelve steps, get a sponsor, and make some friends in recovery. The Twelve Steps may seem a bit overwhelming, but without them I know I never would've been able to get sober. I hope things work out, if you decide not to go to AA, that's fine, but remember you can't drunk if you don't drink. If you want to talk, PM and I'll send you my phone number.

 

Aaron

[Death to Human Ego]

I don't believe that there is any time left for anyone else to change anymore.

 

All of us have had centuries and centuries of time to change and we did nothing but lie asleep in our everyday mundane activities.

 

And now people wanna start changing with 6 months left to D-day?

 

Gimme a break.

[Lotus7]

I don't believe that there is any time left for anyone else to change anymore.

 

All of us have had centuries and centuries of time to change and we did nothing but lie asleep in our everyday mundane activities.

 

And now people wanna start changing with 6 months left to D-day?

 

Gimme a break.

 

Wow... just wow. Closed minds think alike I suppose.

[Death to Human Ego]

Wow... just wow. Closed minds think alike I suppose.

 

If you sincerely wanna Change, you wouldn't have bothered starting this thread just to draw all the attention and energy to feed your Human Ego.

[Cat Pillar]

Wow... just wow. Closed minds think alike I suppose.

 

You remember Tulku? Looks like he's back with a new name.

 

Don't let him get you down though...you've been through a lot, and I applaud you for taking steps to make changes in your life.

 

I don't have experience with alcoholism, so I can't offer you much other than my sincere wish for your recovery.

[eye_of_the_storm]

Alan Watts is on YouTube also - I'd say listen to him... more character + feel of who he is + his presentation // edit: I love his laugh haha... and read too if you wish

 

Kind of like reading Osho but when you can actually watch him and listen to his voice and mannerisms etc = magic

 

quite a gift we have I think being able to do such ^

 

I highly recommend

 

//// Tulku has a point too I suppose

 

as in - just do it

 

though I must remember everyone is different

 

a small example

 

in terms of being vegetarian

 

people say was it hard? or they themselves go through a lengthy process to come to the point of change

 

I say no - I decided in that moment and in the moment that was it

 

Osho made the distinction between stopping something and dropping something

 

to stop something implies a force of sorts - in order to stop... in stopping something one creates an opposition of sorts... or perhaps creating an I am stopping drama

 

but if we just simply drop something - then it is no more...

 

so I would say I dropped eating meat - as opposed to stopped eating meat

 

perhaps a subtle but powerful difference I believe

 

I guess one too should ask ones self what do I really want / what am I creating

 

again on subtle levels

 

people say they do not wish to suffer - but you see them identify with the suffering, creating a self out of it etc the suffering gives them meaning / false identity

 

so we are all running around creating obstacles for ourselves and then asking why is this obstacle here? it is such a burden... madness hahah

 

or say from another perspective

 

One who hates the world will be equally hated by the world - it is a reflection of them

 

a girl I once knew was angered etc at people constantly judging her or 'having a go at her'

 

though she also was constantly judging and ridiculing others

 

it was quite an interesting and humourous display really

 

Peace, Peace, Peace

 

Edited June 12, 2012 by White Wolf Running On Air

[manitou]

Lotus - it just occurred to me that with your initial post you have just worked a magnificent Step One. (I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable). You have given a great description of the unmanageability in your life. You appear to be at the end of the road of revelry....

 

So the next thing to do, recovery-wise, is to go to Step 2.....Came to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. I would suggest that you write down your concept of a god-figure; your current concept, not the one you were given as a child, unless it's the same. Really think about it - think about how you can tap into that inner self, the highest self - and see how it can apply to your recovery. Try to pin down what you actually do think of a god-figure; is it a Taoist void sort of thing? Or a father figure? A Buddhist perspective? It doesn't matter what you choose, as long as it's something that you can turn to and trust to lead you in the right direction as you go through your inner work.

[spiraltao]

The reason that I started back into the martial arts was to battle addiction. The martial arts led me to qigong, which led me to investigating and learning that Scott was back in town after 17 years.

 

...and now I am here.

 

If you had told me my habits now as opposed to three years ago, I would not have believed you.

 

 

This is something that doesn't happen overnight, please keep this in mind.

 

Best of luck. I like bagua and just quiet sitting, for the record are my pastimes nowadays.

[Aaron]

If you sincerely wanna Change, you wouldn't have bothered starting this thread just to draw all the attention and energy to feed your Human Ego.

 

The only thing you're succeeding in doing DTHE, or little Tulku, as I like to call you, is alienate everyone on this site from ever taking you seriously. Grow up, get a life, it's not all about you.

 

Aaaron

[Birch]

The only thing you're succeeding in doing DTHE, or little Tulku, as I like to call you, is alienate everyone on this site from ever taking you seriously. Grow up, get a life, it's not all about you.

 

Aaaron

 

Hey Twinner! I almost replied to your first of 2 posts about it 'not being all about the person' or the person 'not being the centre of the universe'. I thought it worth suggesting that there are POV where a person does finally understand they are BOTH a centre of the universe and 'just' one of the centers. So telling them they're not is IMO only part of the story.

 

I was going to explain more about it but now I can't be bothered, as I'm finishing dinner (that sounds terrible).

[Protector]

We can all be centers of the universe since it doesn't have an edge

[Mokona]

Hey Twinner! I almost replied to your first of 2 posts about it 'not being all about the person' or the person 'not being the centre of the universe'. I thought it worth suggesting that there are POV where a person does finally understand they are BOTH a centre of the universe and 'just' one of the centers. So telling them they're not is IMO only part of the story.

 

I was going to explain more about it but now I can't be bothered, as I'm finishing dinner (that sounds terrible).

*But it also sounds funny, and it made me giggle.* Thumbs up!

[Lotus7]

Hey Matt,

 

I'm happy to hear things are getting better. My advice, as someone who has recovered from alcoholism, go to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), practice the twelve steps, get a sponsor, and make some friends in recovery. The Twelve Steps may seem a bit overwhelming, but without them I know I never would've been able to get sober. I hope things work out, if you decide not to go to AA, that's fine, but remember you can't drunk if you don't drink. If you want to talk, PM and I'll send you my phone number.

 

Aaron

 

Hey Twinner! Thank you so much for taking the time to give such wonderful advice. It is advice that I am hearing from just about every person in my life right now. I have been in and out of the rooms of AA for the past 3 or 4 years and I can honestly say that there has never been a meeting that I did not enjoy or at least got something out of. I have heard horror stories that make my experiences seem miniscule and makes me realize that the light at the end of the tunnel is not just a mirage, but truly reachable.

 

I guess my problem has just been actually getting involved. It is not that I have not wanted to, I just get lazy with it and then get cocky and tell myself that I can do it on my OWN self will. This is exactly what kept getting me drunk. However, after this last episode that I went through, there is no question in my mind. I need the help of others.

 

I am very lucky to live in a community that has a very strong AA fellowship. There are meetings all over the place-and good ones at that!

 

Ya know it really is like anything else in life- if I want to see results from my practice, I have to put the effort into it. The Steps are not going to work themselves

 

Anyway, Thank you Twinner! I am going to send you a PM because I would love to talk further with you! It's so cool to see someone else in this spiritual community that has struggles with the same things I am (Manitou as well)

 

Love and Light, Matt

[Lotus7]

The reason that I started back into the martial arts was to battle addiction. The martial arts led me to qigong, which led me to investigating and learning that Scott was back in town after 17 years.

 

...and now I am here.

 

If you had told me my habits now as opposed to three years ago, I would not have believed you.

 

 

This is something that doesn't happen overnight, please keep this in mind.

 

Best of luck. I like bagua and just quiet sitting, for the record are my pastimes nowadays.

 

Hey jaysahnztao, I have been very interested in martial arts for sometime now. I am really looking for an internal martial practice such as tai chi or qigong. I have a great book on tai chi (unfortunately books are really my only source of learning right now other than the internet due to my financial and transportation situation) called "Harmony Tai Chi" by Dr. Mao. I am assuming it is good because it is very detailed However, I have heard so many wonderful things about qigong that it just appeals to me on a larger level. So, I guess my question would be: Where can I find some good basics on qigong just so I can get a practice started? I am beginning to meditate every morning and would really like to incorporate some Yoga or some type of internal energy practice with it. Anyways, Thank you for your response!

 

Love and light, Matt

[Lotus7]

Lotus - it just occurred to me that with your initial post you have just worked a magnificent Step One. (I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable). You have given a great description of the unmanageability in your life. You appear to be at the end of the road of revelry....

 

So the next thing to do, recovery-wise, is to go to Step 2.....Came to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. I would suggest that you write down your concept of a god-figure; your current concept, not the one you were given as a child, unless it's the same. Really think about it - think about how you can tap into that inner self, the highest self - and see how it can apply to your recovery. Try to pin down what you actually do think of a god-figure; is it a Taoist void sort of thing? Or a father figure? A Buddhist perspective? It doesn't matter what you choose, as long as it's something that you can turn to and trust to lead you in the right direction as you go through your inner work.

 

Thank you Manitou! Yes it seems I have "worked" a step 1 many times, however when it came to truly accepting a step 2, I would "trust" in God for a time and then as soon as things started to get better, I would take my will back and say, "I got this God. I can do it on my own." Ha ha what a joke. I have come to the realization that there is nothing within my single being except God that can give me the willpower to stop drinking and to never pick it up again!

 

I am going to do what you said and write down what I believe God to be. It makes so much sense. Ya know its funny, sometimes I get so caught up in all the philosophy of what God is or isn't. I try to get too deep into the metaphysics of our Creator that I forget my mind is still on such a low level, that trying to take all of that in is useless at this point in my life. If I have to think of God as a "being" right now than that is what I need to do until I can get a grip on the rest of it. I think the most important thing about this whole process is to find out who I really am as a person. I have yet to really scratch the surface of what it means to "Know thyself" as Aristotle put it.

 

Thank you for all of your encouragement! Just the fact that you have not taken a drink in 30 years is massive inspiration to me!

 

Love and Light, Matt

[Gettodachopper69]

Lotus, can you give us an update on how you are doing? Wish you well!! AA works, hope you are still going or will reconsider going if not!!

[manitou]

I found myself wondering about you the other day too. Are you okay? It's all good.