Bad Memories and Love

[Informer]

Im not really clear on what you mean in the last paragraph, your welcome to explain again.

 

Thanks.

 

 

He may think that he's teleporting around in the astral realm fixing people, heheh.

[BlueMonk91]

I don't know if this will strike you as helpful, but i think that everyone takes their cues on how to treat a person from that person themself. So with that in mind, i encourage you to love yourself, with or without logical or rational basis, or a reason to do so. Do it for its own sake if you have trouble finding logical support for such a position at first. Love yourself because you're the only self you've got and if you don't, others aren't as likely to. Love yourself without needing a reason to. Practice everyday, on the bus, walking, in your own time, taking breaks from reading, just generate love for yourself in your heart.

 

Engaging in spiritual practice like meditation helps one to love themself. There is a buddhist meditation called Metta in which one generates lovingkindness in themself for themself, then for a loved one, then for a neutral person, then for a difficult person, then for all beings throughout the world(s) without exception. If done regularly (it only takes 5-10 minutes) it can really affect your ability to generate love! I suggest that you read a little more about it before you practice it. A web search will turn up some instructions and information.

 

I hope that you can change the flow of events in your life to become more positive and loving! Bless you!

 

I've been meditating for a couple of years now and my anxiety attacks have stopped, meditating helped very quickly. As for loving myself i've tried to take an idea from the desiderata poem I read about all beings equally deserving in their place in the universe; "You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here." I however can't seem to feel that sense of worthiness..... it's a sad question but what does it feel like to actually love yourself?

[Informer]

I've been meditating for a couple of years now and my anxiety attacks have stopped, meditating helped very quickly. As for loving myself i've tried to take an idea from the desiderata poem I read about all beings equally deserving in their place in the universe; "You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here." I however can't seem to feel that sense of worthiness..... it's a sad question but what does it feel like to actually love yourself?

 

 

The energy "center" for love is located at the thymus gland.

 

[thelerner]

[Sloppy Zhang]

Disclaimer: I'm an American, 22, male, recently graduated college. Maybe things are different in American male culture. But from what it sounds like... doubt it.

 

 

You need to get confidence.

 

Guys give each other shit all the time. All. The. Time. It's part of being a guy. Male culture involves competition and one-uppping each other. You don't necessarily have to win, but you have to gave the guts to at least hold your ground.

 

I lived in a guys' dorm in college. And stuff like this happened all the time. Girls would comment on it to me, "it's so stressful when you hang out with your friends, because you just fight each other and talk shit to each other all the time!" I'd tell them that these guys were some of my best friends, and in one-on-one situations were great guys. But get us all together.... and hey, guys give each other shit.

 

Now for my friends and I it came from a good place. We had limits, and knew not to cross the line. But even positive male relationships you give each other shit. Not to knock each other down, but to get you to rise to the challenge.

 

Now some people come from a harmful place. Some people DO try and hurt. And when they sense weakness? They're like sharks smelling blood in the water. You're over. And here's the thing: the deeper in you get, the harder it is to get out of. If you let it slide once or twice, it's MUCH harder to get rid of it than it is if you never let it slide at all.

 

 

You need to have confidence and you need to stand up for yourself.

 

Start working out. Even better, learn a martial art. A competitive, full contact one. Judo, Muay Thai, Brazillian JuJutsu, boxing, wrestling, and/or mixed martial arts. These will do a number of things: it will get you in shape, it will get you used to handling conflict, and after you get good, it will give you a TANGIBLE reason to have confidence in yourself. You'll be able to look at your body and see the improvements. And when you start winning rounds (even if you just spar in the gym and don't compete competitively) you're going to realize that you can handle yourself.

 

Go to the gyms, meet the guys, tell them you want to get healthy and you want to learn how to handle yourself physically. The vast majority of guys who train in these contact sports are great guys. Why? They don't have anything to prove. They do their talking on the mat. Watch out for guys who try to hurt the other guys. If you get any vibes that remind you of your school time bullies, just leave and find another place. You said you were in London- I bet you'll have a lot of places to look.

 

Doesn't matter if you're scrawny and skinny, or fat and loose your breath easily. Everyone has to start somewhere. Chances are a lot of the guys in there were in a crappy place to start with, know where you're coming from, and as long as put in the effort, will help you out. Listen to them, show you're willing to learn, take their tips, and get better.

 

Now, socially speaking, stand up for yourself in front of other guys. If someone gives you shit, tell them to fuck off. You don't have to get physical. But you need to tell them they need to run their mouth elsewhere. Ideally, get good at coming up with comebacks. Learn how to turn situations around to your advantage. An easy beginner way to do this is to use an "agree and amplify" strategy.

 

If someone comes up to you and says "you're going to die alone and a virgin", you can say "probably. You think I'll overdose, or cut myself?" Shrug it off, say it with a laugh.

 

You can get more confrontational. "Doubt it, your mom seems pretty easy..." You can say it with a wry smile too, act like it's a joke. Dunno about London, but a "your mom" dig universally (here) tells the other guy that you aren't taking him very easily. You can even lay it on thick. Then, if he takes it seriously, it makes HIM look weak, because EVERYBODY knows that "your mom" jokes are lame. Hell, FRIENDS use your mom jokes.

 

 

Socially with the ladies: chat 'em up. I guess you could try and get some game. But that's unnecessary. Just TALK to them. Be yourself. Girls are people too. Most are as fucked up mentally as you are, but they (including the really pretty ones) can be VERY good at hiding it. And look: if you start acting confidently, start handling yourself socially around the other guys, and stick to working out and learning how to fight, you're gonna do well with the ladies anyway. Never met a gal who DIDN'T like a nice, physically fit guy who knew how to fight. Hell, she might even ask you to show her some moves.... do it

 

 

I don't know much about the authentic man program. But it sounds like you need to start being, well, an authentic man. Get physical. My uncles were meat heads, and my parents raised me to be smart and nice and all that stuff. Well I did okay, but recently I started hitting the gym and running every day. I feel GREAT about myself. Ten thousand times better. I'm not even doing that much and probably embarrassing myself in the gym around the super buff types. But I don't care. Because I have fun doing it.

 

And I know that I haven't met a chick who DIDN'T like a nice guy who was physically fit

[konchog uma]

"You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here." I however can't seem to feel that sense of worthiness..... it's a sad question but what does it feel like to actually love yourself?

 

i like that poem. but your question is hard to answer.. thats kind of like asking someone what chocolate tastes like, having never eaten it yourself. i mean i could tell you sweet and bitter etc like i can answer your question with "it feels wonderful!" but there is no real verbal matrix which can capture the feeling itself. Having been beaten and bullied a lot as a child, i can relate to your situation. I used to loathe myself and do a lot of things to perpetuate my problems without realizing that i was acting out those harmful patterns. Through spiritual practice and energetic work i have dispelled those negativities fairly thoroughly, and awakening my heart to self love was something that was a "before & after" thing... life became fundamentally different when i carried myself with self love and the heartfelt sense that i belonged right where i was. People reacted to me in a totally different way. Its like doors opened for me that had long been locked. Grass looked greener and brighter and birds sounded better. It sounds hokey but I am speaking literally.

 

Building compassion and virtues like kindness and love, and dispelling energetic blockages, especially in the heart, will help you. You can build virtue with meditation practice (visualization or concentration) and you don't need to take refuge, or even self-identify as a buddhist. And you can dispel blockages with qigong, yoga, meditation, even martial arts or running (i've heard that sakyong mipham's book "running with the mind of meditation" is really really good). You can work with a yogic guru who can give you shaktipat to awaken your kundalini if you really want to clean house, emotional and psychologically speaking. You can fan the flames with your spiritual practice... I recommend mark griffin's Deepen Your Practice program, but you'll have to wait 6 months before getting shaktipat. There are other ways of going about if. If you look into it and it interests you, just ask, you'll probably get 10 different recommendations, just for confusions sake.

 

The best thing to do is just practice what you are intuitively drawn to do in my opinion. Contemplate, if the idea of loving yourself is just a thought at first. Build that thought.. give it momentum and gravity and soon it will become an emotion. Nurture it and soon it will live in your heart in spite of what the fools that wander in samsara have to say about your life. Abandon the cruelty of the world for something better!

[Harmonious Emptiness]

+++ for Sloppy's advice. Skip the therapy and find a good martial artist who will train you physically, mentally, and emotionally. Like he said, beware of some gyms (especially the full contact ones) where there seems to be a lot of meat-heads - you won't learn anything but stupidity.

 

I would add various kinds of kung fu to the search. The instructors usually have a high level of self control and discipline and they know how to push their students in the right way to force them to overcome their mental and physical blocks, including fears and lack of self confidence. With practice you will realize more of your potential and not be afraid to fall. The ground is just another angle to strike from!

 

You've got some work to do. Enjoy the journey and start walking!!

[Harmonious Emptiness]

btw, by "skip the therapy" I didn't mean to say "skip all the other advice in this thread", just that this action should be the primary step, imo...

[Sloppy Zhang]

+++ for Sloppy's advice.

 

Thanks for the +

 

I would add various kinds of kung fu to the search.

 

I would be skeptical about adding these, and other branches of the TMA's to your search (karate, Tae Kwon Do, classical jujutsu, etc). Not that there aren't great arts within them, there are. Unfortunately, their quality and caliber can very GREATLY from school to school.

 

I started martial arts for self defense. Being able to protect myself and others is important to me. When I was young I threw myself headlong into the art, listened to all the things that "sensei said". I got rocked in BIG way when I found out that real fighters don't always operate according to the pretty model that karate painted for me. Luckily the space it happened in was relatively safe (a full contact cross training event).

 

It happened kind of young, and gave me a pretty big chip on my shoulder when it came to more traditional styles. But it was necessary to realize one thing: you've got to pressure test your stuff.

 

Sure, the "streets" have rules. Blah blah blah. But you need to train and practice in ways that will be fundamentally closer to actual combat. When you make friends, you can for sure come up with some really fun ways to simulate combat- multiple opponents, different locations, different clothes, role playing, simulated weapons, etc etc.

 

The thing about styles such as MMA, boxing, Muay Thai, wrestling, Judo, Brazilian JuJutsu, etc, is they will pressure test in ways you don't get from a lot (NOT all) traditionally informed schools, which may not even let you spar for up to a number of months!

 

 

 

And the important thing as it relates to this thread and the OP's goal is he needs something TANGIBLE that is going to help him build confidence. Will he get fit joining pretty much any martial arts school? Probably. Will he gain confidence in fighting? Probably. Will that confidence hold up under pressure when he must put it to use? THAT'S a HUGE variable.

 

Again, you might get lucky and be near a traditionally informed school that has the goods. In which case, you seriously lucked out. But you want a sure fire thing, especially if you don't know too much about the arts? Go with the ones I listed already (judo, Muay Thai, Brazilian JuiJuitsu, boxing, wrestling, MMA).

 

 

As far as lessons and energy and emotions and all that. Plenty of guys, especially if they train and compete on the amateur or the pro level, are SUPER humble guys. Why? Because when you join an art like Brazilian JuiJuitsu, or Muay Thai, the first six to eight months pretty much consist of you learning how to get hit, learning how to take a fall, learning how to tap to avoid getting a choked or getting a broken bone. Guys who have an ego don't last. The guys who do last are the guys who shut up, take their lumps, learn a lesson from each one, pay attention to the good ones, and don't quit. They're humble on the mat and off it, because not only have they been on the bottom, but once they have gotten good, they don't have to prove anything to anyone! They know they can fight, they know they can perform. They don't have to run their mouth or be an asshole. If they are, they've got bigger problems, and you should find another gym to train, one that fosters a better attitude.

[RiverSnake]

Essentially when we cultivate, we want to raise are vibration and awareness so we can see past our problems both emotionally and psychological through dissolving blockages. Chi-Gung helps with this.

 

Good video about the nature of the mind and how to escape the pain of the mind.

 

[Aaron]

Im a 20 year old male from london. I've been a loner my whole life and was bullied throughout my school years even when I switched schools. I read that I should learn to love and forgive the people who treated me like this if I want to move on." The worse memory is in my last year of high school was a guy in my class telling me nobody loves me everyday and also saying I would die a virgin, he knew nothing about me personally or my home life but for some reason chose to say this, he was quite popular so everyone laughed along with him and I couldn't really retaliate because he had older friends with violent reputations.

 

However I struggle with this because I have never really experienced any love and just have no idea love is expressed since I have no experience in receiving love, I can't recall in 20 years of life many positive interactions with other people; bullied at school, no friends, knowone to talk to at home.

 

Im an only child and have only ever lived with my mum. I started having anxiety attacks when I was 15 when the bullying at school was at it's most intense, my mum was ashamed of me and wouldn't even follow me to the hospital. I've just finished my 1st year of university and it's more of the same, I feel like an alien in that environment and can't seem to form friendships. I feel so alone that if any stranger innocently smiles at me on the train or anywhere in public, I hold on to it in my mind and replay it just to have something positive to hold onto during the day.

 

How do I let go of the numerous negative memories that I replay in my head so I can learn to love myself and others. At the moment I feel like a ball of negative energy repelling other people?

 

thanks

 

Hello Bluemonk,

 

I'm sorry to hear that you have suffered so much as a child. Nothing seems as painful as the pain we suffer within our minds. I have cut my toe off, have had to have twelve stitches to close up a severed artery, yet the memories that haunt me the most are of the emotional pain others have caused me, and the most painful of those are the ones where I felt helpless.

 

There's no quick and easy answer to your questions, I wish there was. The truth of the matter is that some people find it very hard to love themselves, most often because they don't believe they are worthy of that love. You've said you feel the same way. The only thing I can tell you is that if you can love another person, then you do love yourself, you just don't know it. The fact of the matter is that love is a two way street, so if you have love for your mother, then within that love is the love you have for your self. But in the same way, hate and shame are a two way street, so if you have hatred for another person, then within that hatred is a hatred of yourself. What you need to decide is which is more important for you, the shame and helplessness you felt, or the love and kindness you have felt.

 

In regards to good memories, we all have them, just sometimes we choose to ignore them because we get comfortable with the pain, it's almost like we refuse to give it up because we don't know any other way to live. You have to decide for yourself whether you want to continue to live as you have been living or move on and find something better.

 

Lots of people will tell you how to do that, but I wont tell you, because each person is different. What you need to do, though, is go out and find a charity and start volunteering. The only way to get out of yourself is to give yourself to others. That's not a slogan or nice little phrase, but a fact. Whether it's tutoring your fellow students, helping out at a shelter, or spending time with the elderly, the first step to understanding how valuable you are as a person, is understanding how much you have to offer others. I hope that helps.

 

Aaron

[Everything]

How do I let go of the numerous negative memories that I replay in my head...

thanks

I've worked with a person who has the extreme version of this problem. So muh so, that he became afraid of dreaming and got tired from sleeping. Rofl

 

We solved the problem in 30 seconds. I said, "you try to solvethe problem with your head, your thoughts, but the problem is in your heart!" everytime he kelt talking too much about his problems, I told him seek the answer in your heart. Then he wet talking again. I said "feel your heart, just feel it." thats all you have to do. Is become aware of how your heart feels. It holds the core answers and issues you need to shine your conscious light upon. Any habbit is just an action you keep doing, you don't know you're doing. As you become aware of yourself doing it, it is no longer a habbit, but a choice. That is why expanding your awareness trough "I am" meditation, can bypass all spiritual maps and concepts, straight into liberation.

 

All you have to do is realize that thoughts are only controlled by the heart. You cannot think your way out of a thought. Emotions are controlled by believe systems and trust. You cannot feel your way out of something you feel. Just like you cannot feel your way into love. You can only surender your self towards the new believe, which determine the meaning you project unto any given situation and thus change the emotional response you have towards this situation. Surrendering the ego, just like "falling in love." Believe systems are controlled by pure beingness and awareness, the "I am" state of being. You can then paste the specifics behind that "I am". "I am this, I all that." all truths are equally valid. Thus, if you surrender your ego completely, you paradoxically can be whoever you want to be. It is not the forsaking of yourself, as most people like to believe. To the contrary! It is the expansion of your self. You become your true infinite self: "existance/being". The "I am" state.

Edited June 15, 2012 by Everything

[BlueMonk91]

Poor me, poor poor little me . . .

 

Relax dude, I think it's a decisive advantage over having an over inflated ego, now just realize non of those aspects you think of as reality are actuality. You really don't need companionship or to be social or have a status or things like that, those things are just imagery of society, which is not even reality let alone actuality.

 

Im not completely sure of what your trying to say. Surely healthy cultivated people excel in society and have companionship, and getting along in society doesn't mean you have an over inflated ego ???

 

It seems Humans have better physical and mental health when they are more integrated into society and have companionship.

 

Thanks

[BlueMonk91]

I think the hardest part for many is learning to forgive and love oneself, yet it seems like you are on the right path for it and may find a deeper understanding within it, just because love doesn't have some of the connotation instilled as firmly as it is into some.

 

Have you tried to internally reconcile and come to terms within?

 

The reason you're not fitting in, could be because the box they are trying to stuff you in is too small.

 

 

There may be some bit to truth to this, but if im being completely honest with myself im I don't think im some rebel who has rejected society.

[BlueMonk91]

I've worked with a person who has the extreme version of this problem. So muh so, that he became afraid of dreaming and got tired from sleeping. Rofl

 

We solved the problem in 30 seconds. I said, "you try to solvethe problem with your head, your thoughts, but the problem is in your heart!" everytime he kelt talking too much about his problems, I told him seek the answer in your heart. Then he wet talking again. I said "feel your heart, just feel it." thats all you have to do. Is become aware of how your heart feels. It holds the core answers and issues you need to shine your conscious light upon. Any habbit is just an action you keep doing, you don't know you're doing. As you become aware of yourself doing it, it is no longer a habbit, but a choice. That is why expanding your awareness trough "I am" meditation, can bypass all spiritual maps and concepts, straight into liberation.

 

All you have to do is realize that thoughts are only controlled by the heart. You cannot think your way out of a thought. Emotions are controlled by believe systems and trust. You cannot feel your way out of something you feel. Just like you cannot feel your way into love. You can only surender your self towards the new believe, which determine the meaning you project unto any given situation and thus change the emotional response you have towards this situation. Surrendering the ego, just like "falling in love." Believe systems are controlled by pure beingness and awareness, the "I am" state of being. You can then paste the specifics behind that "I am". "I am this, I all that." all truths are equally valid. Thus, if you surrender your ego completely, you paradoxically can be whoever you want to be. It is not the forsaking of yourself, as most people like to believe. To the contrary! It is the expansion of your self. You become your true infinite self: "existance/being". The "I am" state.

Thanks

 

This reminds me of gurdjieff for some reason, he said something about our lives and experiences being images of ourselves. So are you saying that one should surrender the identification one makes with their experiences?

[Creation]

Hi BlueMonk91.

 

Welcome to the forum.

 

It is very admirable that you wish to be loving in spite of all the difficulties you have faced and still face. But if you are anything like me, you have a lot of less savory emotions bottled up inside you and you are expending a lot of energy to keep them bottled up in order to be loving. Because of this, continuing to focus on exclusively on the "positive" side, love, will keep much of your energy trapped which, ironically enough, will prevent you from being able to full love.

 

So perhaps consider finding a practice that will help you feel, accept, express, and release your emotional energies. Even (actually, especially) emotions that you don't want to feel.

 

You may find that after allowing yourself to feel, say, angry at a person, you have more "space" inside yourself to feel love for them.

[Everything]

Thanks

 

This reminds me of gurdjieff for some reason, he said something about our lives and experiences being images of ourselves. So are you saying that one should surrender the identification one makes with their experiences?

Actually the opposite. Don't make a distinction between you and experience in the following sense: The experiences in your life are determined solely by the strongest definition you have bought in to, regarding these circumstances.

 

Reality is like a mirror, neutral. As you change the meaning you give it, you change the meaning you get. So in a sense, life is meaningless, in the beneficial sense. This fact reveals to you that you have a response-ability towards the meaning you perceive to be. From now on, you don't have to forget that the meaning came from you. Even though it seems to have come from outside of you. Just like unto a mirror.

 

Smile first, then the mirror will smile back. Also realize that

[konchog uma]

Actually the opposite. Don't make a distinction between you and experience in the following sense: The experiences in your life are determined solely by the strongest definition you have bought in to, regarding these circumstances.

 

Reality is like a mirror, neutral. As you change the meaning you give it, you change the meaning you get. So in a sense, life is meaningless, in the beneficial sense. This fact reveals to you that you have a response-ability towards the meaning you perceive to be. From now on, you don't have to forget that the meaning came from you. Even though it seems to have come from outside of you. Just like unto a mirror.

 

Smile first, then the mirror will smile back. Also realize that

 

nicely said

[BlueMonk91]

Actually the opposite. Don't make a distinction between you and experience in the following sense: The experiences in your life are determined solely by the strongest definition you have bought in to, regarding these circumstances.

 

Reality is like a mirror, neutral. As you change the meaning you give it, you change the meaning you get. So in a sense, life is meaningless, in the beneficial sense. This fact reveals to you that you have a response-ability towards the meaning you perceive to be. From now on, you don't have to forget that the meaning came from you. Even though it seems to have come from outside of you. Just like unto a mirror.

 

Smile first, then the mirror will smile back. Also realize that

 

So change the meaning I give to my reality and the reality will adapt to the meaning?