Bad Memories and Love

[BlueMonk91]

Im a 20 year old male from london. I've been a loner my whole life and was bullied throughout my school years even when I switched schools. I read that I should learn to love and forgive the people who treated me like this if I want to move on." The worse memory is in my last year of high school was a guy in my class telling me nobody loves me everyday and also saying I would die a virgin, he knew nothing about me personally or my home life but for some reason chose to say this, he was quite popular so everyone laughed along with him and I couldn't really retaliate because he had older friends with violent reputations.

 

However I struggle with this because I have never really experienced any love and just have no idea love is expressed since I have no experience in receiving love, I can't recall in 20 years of life many positive interactions with other people; bullied at school, no friends, knowone to talk to at home.

 

Im an only child and have only ever lived with my mum. I started having anxiety attacks when I was 15 when the bullying at school was at it's most intense, my mum was ashamed of me and wouldn't even follow me to the hospital. I've just finished my 1st year of university and it's more of the same, I feel like an alien in that environment and can't seem to form friendships. I feel so alone that if any stranger innocently smiles at me on the train or anywhere in public, I hold on to it in my mind and replay it just to have something positive to hold onto during the day.

 

How do I let go of the numerous negative memories that I replay in my head so I can learn to love myself and others. At the moment I feel like a ball of negative energy repelling other people?

 

thanks

[Birch]

So sorry to read of all your bad times! Many things and people on this forum have helped me. I'm not very sure where to start because I would like to help. But I do disagree with 'forgiveness' of others if you do not include yourself in the process. The point IMO/IME is not to absolve others of their wrongdoing and maintain your own (one might argue) skewed impression of yourself as a result (often one sees oneself at fault if wrong is done to one by others). If you forgive, everyone has to be in on it, including yourself.

 

I don't know why 15 year old would tell others that no-one loves them on a daily basis. The expectation/suspicion is that that's all a person knows/has received themselves if they repeat it enough. But really, I don't know.

 

Many good wishes for you.

[gendao]

Im a 20 year old male from london. I've been a loner my whole life and was bullied throughout my school years even when I switched schools. I read that I should learn to love and forgive the people who treated me like this if I want to move on." The worse memory is in my last year of high school was a guy in my class telling me nobody loves me everyday and also saying I would die a virgin, he knew nothing about me personally or my home life but for some reason chose to say this, he was quite popular so everyone laughed along with him and I couldn't really retaliate because he had older friends with violent reputations.

 

However I struggle with this because I have never really experienced any love and just have no idea love is expressed since I have no experience in receiving love, I can't recall in 20 years of life many positive interactions with other people; bullied at school, no friends, knowone to talk to at home.

 

Im an only child and have only ever lived with my mum. I started having anxiety attacks when I was 15 when the bullying at school was at it's most intense, my mum was ashamed of me and wouldn't even follow me to the hospital. I've just finished my 1st year of university and it's more of the same, I feel like an alien in that environment and can't seem to form friendships. I feel so alone that if any stranger innocently smiles at me on the train or anywhere in public, I hold on to it in my mind and replay it just to have something positive to hold onto during the day.

 

How do I let go of the numerous negative memories that I replay in my head so I can learn to love myself and others. At the moment I feel like a ball of negative energy repelling other people?

 

thanks

Beta male suffering seems to be becoming a cultural phenomenom these days? Bullied by higher-status males & rejected by women (sort of the anti-007)...

 

So every few months, yet another young guy with your same story & dilemnas wanders in here..

The Pit

having integrity and still getting laid

=1&view_by_title=1"]Non

 

Well, have a seat and join the club!

Edited June 13, 2012 by vortex

[konchog uma]

I don't know if this will strike you as helpful, but i think that everyone takes their cues on how to treat a person from that person themself. So with that in mind, i encourage you to love yourself, with or without logical or rational basis, or a reason to do so. Do it for its own sake if you have trouble finding logical support for such a position at first. Love yourself because you're the only self you've got and if you don't, others aren't as likely to. Love yourself without needing a reason to. Practice everyday, on the bus, walking, in your own time, taking breaks from reading, just generate love for yourself in your heart.

 

Engaging in spiritual practice like meditation helps one to love themself. There is a buddhist meditation called Metta in which one generates lovingkindness in themself for themself, then for a loved one, then for a neutral person, then for a difficult person, then for all beings throughout the world(s) without exception. If done regularly (it only takes 5-10 minutes) it can really affect your ability to generate love! I suggest that you read a little more about it before you practice it. A web search will turn up some instructions and information.

 

I hope that you can change the flow of events in your life to become more positive and loving! Bless you!

[JohnC]

I work for the authentic man program, helping men with their relationships and if you would like more help, shoot me a pm, and we'll talk.

 

Just on a pm, because the way a lot of these talks devolve quickly into women hating,victimization, etc.

 

Currently putting on a seminar in Raleigh NC in July 20th-22nd.

 

John

Edited June 13, 2012 by JohnC

[Cat Pillar]

I think the advice anamatva and -K- gave was good. I was bullied all throughout school too, and used to deal with anxiety attacks and all of that good stuff.

 

Meditation, self-inquiry, counseling, and self-acceptance led me on a path to recovery from a decade-long deep depression. It took hard work and time, but if you're willing to face yourself with honesty and understanding, you can find a way through.

 

By improving your internal state, you will see the world reflecting the changes in your external circumstances.

 

Also, I highly recommend counseling. Since you're attending university, I expect they should have counselors on hand who can help you work through things. TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS. Opening up to a counselor will help prepare you for opening up to the world.

[LaughingNumbSkull]

Well, you know the saying, "You can't run from your problems." Copy and paste example here folks. You ran to another school and they bullied you there too.

 

You have to learn how to 'deal' with bullies. Don't run from them because you'll probably just find another asshole hunting in the next environment that you try to inhabit.

 

When you have the formula, you will be able to deal with any other bullies that you encounter in life. The world is full of assholes. You run from one, you'll just find another one down the road and not know how to cope. Get the asshole remedy and you'll be able to cure it for the rest of your life.

 

 

There is an old Chinese proverb that goes something like this:

 

Put a man in an asshole-free environment, and he'll be happy until he leaves that environment.

 

Teach a man how to deal with assholes, and he will never need an asshole-free environment again.

 

 

Maybe letting go isn't the answer(Because when you feel bad enough, you're not going to let go anyway). Especially when the trauma continues over and over even after the forgiveness, it can be very difficult to let go when you're burning with hatred. Use it to inspire yourself to greater heights.

 

 

If they call you fat say, 'Nice observation.' and move on with your life.

 

The only time someone can hurt you, is when you disagree with their perspective to such a degree that it hurts you. If you're actually fat, then they're not telling you anything new anyway. Why let it be painful?

 

 

Turn your bullies into a hardcore gym. They can actually be useful.

 

Call them your little dumbbells. Do it to their face, it'll be funny.

 

That's what they do though. They make remarks and you use them to train yourself stronger and better. My little dumbbells. Take the life you were given and make some motherfucking lemonade.

 

That corny little saying, "I let my haters be my motivators." Use it to create the next fucking Mona Lisa. Then you can snicker at your funny little dumbbells. "Who got the last laugh bitches?"

 

No matter where you find yourself in life you have to be able to DEAL with it. If you run, I swear to god, the problem will be hiding in your fucking trunk and when you go to open fucker he'll jump out and be like, "Remember me bitch?"

[Jetsun]

Beta male suffering seems to be becoming a cultural phenomenom these days? Bullied by higher-status males & rejected by women (sort of the anti-007)...

 

So every few months, yet another young guy with your same story & dilemnas wanders in here..

The Pit

having integrity and still getting laid

=1&view_by_title=1"]Non

 

Well, have a seat and join the club!

 

I'm not sure labelling someone a Beta male, anti 007 and comparing then to non is going to help their confidence. All such categorisations just inprison a person further in negative mind sets.

 

There are some ideas in this thead in the healing section http://www.thetaobums.com/index.php?/topic/23798-releasing-childhood-belief-systems-and-emotional-patterns/ which might be useful , there are some interesting healing methods people have mentioned in there like Matrix energetics , Now healing 101 and the Yuen Method.

[Gerard]

Heal yourself. Go find an internal martial arts practitioner in your area. There are quite a few with good skills.

 

Good luck.

 

[Mokona]

My opinion, which you can discount if it doesn't work for you, if the enviroment your in doesn't change there is very little that can be done. You need to keep up your schooling, first off - becuase making $$ is going to be more important than being popular eventually.

 

I was bullied from a young age myself. I beat my bully to an unconcious state after class in a busy hallway. Never was bullied again. You could try that, or sneak attack while his back is turned, just hit him with something strong and hard enough to put him down, so he won't get back up.

[gatito]

As anamatva says, Lovingkindness (metta) meditation is an extremely powerful practice.

You might also find that Iron John by Robert Bly is useful.

However, you really need to interact physically with people who walk the walk.

Edited May 16, 2017 by gatito

[Apech]

It is an odd and very unpleasant aspect of human nature that when people see what they perceive as weakness in another being, rather than try to help they attack, ridicule and insult. This is universally true and is not anything specific about you or the condition you find yourself in. That's the first thing to realise.

 

Then you should recognise that although we are in effect individuals we are born into particular energy configurations. That is our environment as children and early life impact on us and give us a feeling tone and memories which tend to create a load of baggage which we carry around. So its important to remind yourself that you are not this collection of thoughts and feelings ... they are something associated with you but they are not you.

 

You need to think that you are entitled to self fulfilment. You are entitled to seek joy and energy. So you need to regroup and if you can find a practice that boosts your personal power.

 

Then you need to look at your experiences as if you posited them yourself in order to learn something ... and try to see what that thing(s) is/are.

 

Sorry to cut short but got to go now.

[Brian]

What do you enjoy doing, BlueMonk91? What do you like to do for fun?

[gatito]

What do you enjoy doing, BlueMonk91? What do you like to do for fun?

 

Very good point!

[manitou]

I think the martial arts idea, or something similar - something physical - is a great idea. Maybe even learning to ballroom dance or something? Find something that you can learn to feel good about yourself, something that you can see your own progress. If you go the martial arts route, then bullying won't bother you because you'll know you have an ace up your sleeve, hopefully never having to use it. This will also open up your world and put you in contact with folks who have more to do than just make someone else's life miserable (because theirs is).

[thelerner]

It's cliche, but you can't do anything about your past. Sometimes all you can do is reinvent yourself. Find out what you enjoy or even what scares you and dive in, do it. Stay busy, put yourself in situations where you meet new people, especially in situations where you can help them.

 

I was shy in college and joined a service fraternity APO. Unlike social fraternities we had weekly projects to help others, charities, etc. and still had a few parties over the year. Seeing where you can help others gets you moving and amongst good people.

 

 

I find Eckhart Tolle's work to be very soothing. When the past stinks and your anxious about the future, you can carve out a little space in the 'Right Now' and find peace and solace. There are library books and free Itune podcasts of his around.

[gatito]

I think the martial arts idea, or something similar - something physical - is a great idea. Maybe even learning to ballroom dance or something? Find something that you can learn to feel good about yourself, something that you can see your own progress. If you go the martial arts route, then bullying won't bother you because you'll know you have an ace up your sleeve, hopefully never having to use it. This will also open up your world and put you in contact with folks who have more to do than just make someone else's life miserable (because theirs is).

 

 

 

 

El Once is The place to start with tango

 

http://www.users.dircon.co.uk/~elonce/

[Clarity]

[BlueMonk91]

What do you enjoy doing, BlueMonk91? What do you like to do for fun?

 

Thanks for the replies everyone.....

 

I spend most of my time making electronic music when im not at uni.

[BlueMonk91]

What do you enjoy doing, BlueMonk91? What do you like to do for fun?

 

Thanks for the replies everyone.....

 

I spend most of my time making electronic music when im not at uni.

[BlueMonk91]

What do you enjoy doing, BlueMonk91? What do you like to do for fun?

 

Thanks for the replies everyone.....

 

I spend most of my time making electronic music when im not at uni.

[BlueMonk91]

My opinion, which you can discount if it doesn't work for you, if the enviroment your in doesn't change there is very little that can be done. You need to keep up your schooling, first off - becuase making $$ is going to be more important than being popular eventually.

 

I was bullied from a young age myself. I beat my bully to an unconcious state after class in a busy hallway. Never was bullied again. You could try that, or sneak attack while his back is turned, just hit him with something strong and hard enough to put him down, so he won't get back up.

 

I was never touched physically although threatened; im 6'3 and quite lean, but physical retaliation was never a safe option becuase the other guys had friends who were known to carry weapons.

 

Im not in that specific situation anymore but the memories are still fresh as if it happened yesterday and I can't move on becuase if this and the fear that i'll encounter invalidation everywhere I go just makes me isolate myself.

[Informer]

Poor me, poor poor little me . . .

 

Relax dude, I think it's a decisive advantage over having an over inflated ego, now just realize non of those aspects you think of as reality are actuality. You really don't need companionship or to be social or have a status or things like that, those things are just imagery of society, which is not even reality let alone actuality.

[BlueMonk91]

[Informer]

I think the hardest part for many is learning to forgive and love oneself, yet it seems like you are on the right path for it and may find a deeper understanding within it, just because love doesn't have some of the connotation instilled as firmly as it is into some.

 

Have you tried to internally reconcile and come to terms within?

 

The reason you're not fitting in, could be because the box they are trying to stuff you in is too small.

 

Edited June 13, 2012 by Informer