I hate socially calibrating/trying to fit in

[skydog]

Im very good at expressing myself Id like to think, but I hate the idea of not saying certain things or acting in a way other people want me to or are comfortable with because I hate the idea of being fake and lying and seeking approval..

 

So therefore I dont like to hang around "normal" people.

 

and am probably socially awkward..

[Protector]

I thought we already discussed this, OR WAS IT ALL A DREAM?

Whose dream, your or mine?

If I remember but it does not exist then it must be mine, but does that make it less real for you?

Argh confusing, this is like deciding which one is the best pony, Applejack btw

[skydog]

well normally i dont give a shit..but as lame as it sounds am on a site called couchsurfing trying to find someone to stay with for finland..and have to make a profile with my interests and about me, message like 60 people get mostly ignores or three maybes and 1 yes...I kind of feel like I have to either not tell my interests or ideas because it comes across weird...and I dont know it just irritates me..haha

[Protector]

psst

>.>

<.<

Everyone is weird

 

Also, I think weirder the interests the more there's to talk about with a person

If people just like the same stuff then that's kinda boring for them

[chi 2012]

It's the sign of being an old soul. Old souls somehow know that everything most people care about really doesn't mean crap. But don't dwell to much on the old soul stuff.....because it could slow your evolution - give you an ego problem...and next thing you know - the young souls have passed you up.

[Tom Lin]

I feel the same way.

 

i always try to act as genuine and myself as possible, but of course the inner work must be done first in order to have a hard surface to stand on.

 

You may not feel as connected to the general population but hey at least you know your doing something positive for yourself and in the long run your going to be much happier then the others....

[Aetherous]

Read this book. Best way of dealing with people.

 

In addition, when around other people or even in general, I suggest you practice keeping your mind absolutely quiet and calm. Forget about yourself entirely, and focus on things that you like. Let go of all thoughts about who those people are...it's all just perception, and not entirely true. Get to know these people...most of us keep our real lives quiet on a social level, and really only open up to close friends or family. So get closer.

[chi 2012]

Read this book. Best way of dealing with people.

 

In addition, when around other people or even in general, I suggest you practice keeping your mind absolutely quiet and calm. Forget about yourself entirely, and focus on things that you like. Let go of all thoughts about who those people are...it's all just perception, and not entirely true. Get to know these people...most of us keep our real lives quiet on a social level, and really only open up to close friends or family. So get closer.

It's funny you mention the Dale Carnegie book. I've always have wanted to read that book - but never got around to it. A guy named Michael Brown has developed a process called "The Presence Process" which I also want to dive into one day....I was just reading his website the other day and he mentioned Dale Carnegie when answering a question about manipulating the personality to make sales. http://presenceprocessquestions.blogspot.com/2009/07/will-presence-process-help-me-sell.html This is his partial answer to a question:

 

A: Personally, I cannot enter sales work. I cannot even do book signing in a book store. So, you are talking to the wrong person. I do not believe in the manipulation of others for personal benefit. Dale Carnegie is a creep. This is why I developed the tool, "Navigating Our Experiences" - available free on the Writings page. It is based on navigating our experience - not on the manipulation of others. Your email is timely. I have a friend who adjusts their personality for whomever is in front of them depending on what it is they wish to portray, or what they wish to get out of the encounter. To me this is parasitic. It is "importing a manufactured self" for each occasion - or self-importing - or self-importance. It recently became clear to me [again!], that if I entertain those who behave in this manner, I too become this way.

[Aetherous]

Wow, that guy came away with an entirely different view of Carnegie and the book, than myself. I think it's just solid ideas, not requiring you to manipulate others or become someone you're not...you should check it out for yourself.

[chi 2012]

Wow, that guy came away with an entirely different view of Carnegie and the book, than myself. I think it's just solid ideas, not requiring you to manipulate others or become someone you're not...you should check it out for yourself.

I'll read the book....I'm not going to let Michael Brown or anybody tell me what to do Haha. I know where he is getting at though. I used to listen to paraliminals and NLP hypnosis tapes before social occasions. They work big time - but I always end up being too cocky and end up offending someone after using them. A sort of weird instant bomerang effect. When I increased my Qigong to about 4 or 5 hours a day last month - I had a few days where I just felt really strange in social situations....I think all my bad social conditioning came out at once. Now, I feel pretty awesome everywhere I go - now that I opened up a bunch of channels. So, for the most part I think doing intense Qigong training fixes most social stuff. I feel connected to everybody I communicate with - and just don't feel the need for approval at the same time.

[Aetherous]

Yea qigong can sometimes be good for connecting with others and opening up, or balancing us.

 

My experience with Carnegie's book...back in the day I was in a college swimming class. Didn't know anyone, and everyone had this dull 'I don't want to be here' look...no one was talking, just sitting pretty much in silence next to the pool, waiting for class to start each morning. There was one really beautiful girl in the class, who I felt was out of my league. I've never been popular or outgoing even, not the most attractive guy in that class by far, have always been slightly overweight and now was shirtless...haha...so I wasn't going to even try to pick her up or anything. I never do that anyway. She could just stay on that pedestal, and I could appreciate her beauty from a distance as usual.

 

So I used the principles in the book and just started opening people up. Started making conversation with a couple guys just to lighten the mood and practice the ideas in the book, see how people reacted to my possibly really weird behavior. Well, the beautiful girl one day left her friend as a swimming partner, and asked if she could be my partner, as a result. I didn't even talk to her specifically, or do anything, just addressed her as I did everyone else...just contemplated the ideas in that book and tried them out. Basically, it makes you into someone who is truly considerate of others, if you follow all of it. That's so rare in this world! I spent the entire semester flirting and having fun in the pool, even learning about this girl's private life a little bit...although it didn't work out with her after the class ended, it showed how awesome the book's ideas can be in regard to social situations.

 

Anyway, not trying to convince you...just sharing a story.

[swampland]

I think it differs from character to character, whether How to make friends and influence people will help you or not.

For me, it was a catastrophy, because the I've been doing those techniques for all my life and have become a person,

who identifies fully with them. So the reinforcement, that what I've been doing was a good way to do it, was really a catastrophy for me, because I already saw the problems coming up.

If you do stuff for people you don't really like to do for them from the heart, then you are acting against yourself and

are only doing something because you want to get something out of this.

And out of this, I've tried to please everyone the same, because I felt bad about just crawling up the asses about those people

who will have the most benefit to me, or who I personally like the most.

 

The techniques in this book work all pretty well, what I can tell, since I've been already doing them before reading this book,

but it made me hate people even more and their inability to see through those tricks.

And I said to myself, that I will not react to people acting like this on me in any way.

So I became (sometimes overtly) angry at people who were nice to me, because I thought they're just using me anyway (which they were probably often times not).

 

I cannot tell about the person opening this thread, but I personally often feel driven to react to people on this Carnegie-Salesman-Level, because there's no real alternative for me, because that is like my mask that's perfectly calibrated and safe.

But I have no personal gain in using it. Maybe material one, if I want to use it to do business.

But that's kind of why I stay away from people. There is nothing for me to learn in interactions in this mode and

I can't switch to another mode safely and I certainly can't be "myself" anywhere.

 

So, wether or not you can relate to anything what I just said, I think the most desirable thing is, to use social calibration as

a safe stance to get to know other people more deeply and getting them to open up to you, so that dealing with people might be more interesting. That would require you to open up to yourself in the first place. But I don't know if that is even your problem.

 

I'd vote for Fluttershy

[Cat Pillar]

I was really awkward in high school and didn't have many friends. Of course, I was also suicidally depressed, which doesn't help your social skills much.

 

In my adult life though, I find that I don't have too much trouble with interacting with people as long as I keep my insecurities out of the equation. Or rather, when I just interact with people openly and naturally, I find that it's not hard to get along with them. I certainly don't find myself short for friends these days.

 

Based on the reviews I've read, I think I naturally tend to use a lot of the techniques Carnegie talks about. Just the kind of personality I express, I guess.

 

And Twilight Sparkle FTW.

[Ya Mu]

Just be yourself. You don't have to conform to what you feel others believe you should be.

 

Most of us who are practicing the Taoist internal arts certainly have had the "Why can't THEY see what they are saying/doing is wrong/illusion/batty as hell/not seeing the overall picture" moments.

 

However, something that may help is the "Great Wallyworld High Level" practice. Go into a really big store. Get into your qi state before entering. Think of nothing. Everyone you come up to put your awareness half way between you and them while gazing at them. Say to yourself, "This is me only at a different level of awareness" SEE that this is so.

This practice can help us to interact in the world.

A quick story. I was doing this practice not long ago and was going down a particularly narrow isle and met an elderly lady who appeared to me to be in her 90's. Can't remember the exact words but I said something like excuse me, this isle sure is narrow. She looked at me and said "Do you want to know what I think about it?" I said sure. She then broke into singing "Give me 40 acres and I'll turn this rig around." WOW! Something I'll be sure to remember. The moral of the story is that people sometimes are not what our preconceived notions of them believe them to be. Everyone has the divine spark.

[Maddie]

I believe one thing that will help with this problem is working on the root chakra, and the spleen. Both are related to the earth element, so they related to being grounded, comfortable, natural, centered, ect... I say this because I have been working on this lately myself for much of the same reasons as stated in the original post. I had started focusing on my root chakra a few weeks ago after having gone through a very rough break up. One of the hard things about going through the break up was feeling very lonely. Working with my root chakra seemed to help. Then I switched and began to work on first my heart and then my solar plexus chakra. Doing that made me feel very bad, sad, anxious, ect.. So I returned to my root chakra and I almost instantly felt a great amount of relief.

During this time I had also been working on my various organs, but came to the observation that if you don't work on the right/appropriate chakra you can work on the organs all you want, but you don't make a lot of progress. So it would seem to me at least that the chakra's operate on a deeper level than the organs, and can help keep them in balance or throw them out of balance.

[Clarity]

If you connect to your insight, you can resolve the disconnect around not fitting in and seeking approval. Much of that disconnect is coming from your ancestors and their experiences of not fitting in.

 

Anytime I find something that bothers me, I go look for the answer with my insight and resolve it with an energetic correction. Do this enough and you find very little will bother you.

 

What is 'normal' anyway?