Loneliness is Killing MEE!

[DalTheJigsaw123]

This is exactly how I feel!!!

 

"I'm confused and conflicted.

I don't really have any friends right now. That is, I have human contact, I go to work, but I don't do anything outside of work with other humans. I feel distant and separated from everyone.

Which is strange, because in Buddhist thought we're all ultimately without separation or self, dependent origination, etc. So how can I feel separated? Yet I do, because the brain of any social animal compels them to seek contact with others. So that's an inescapable skandha, right, so I just need to make sure I'm not attached to it?

Then there's that quote everyone loves to toss around, the one about the rhino. "Be as the rhino and walk alone unless you find someone worth walking with." But we're also told to practice compassion and understanding, and if you're not having contact with other people because you're walking alone, how are you exercising compassion?

I tried going to the Buddhist temple for a while to find some sort of community or belonging in a social sense. I feel stupid for it, because it's just another form of clinging, right? Anyway, the temple didn't bring me anything, as dukkha inhabits all things. Not sure what I expected.

What do I think will change if I have friends or if I talk to people? Possibly being a hermit is a good thing.

But there's something else that gives rise to a thought that violently rejects that notion. No, being a hermit cannot be a good thing, I must be social, I must know people, but how?

I just feel really lonely right now, and I know that indicates my clinging and the lack of depth of my practice and my immaturity. But... I still feel these things. And I'm confused as all hell. Do I need friends? Should I have friends? Do I deserve friends?

I even feel distant from you guys, but I need to talk to somebody.

 

"Ashgromnies" I'm with this guy! What the hell do I do? Focus on sitting? I'm stuck!!"

[Aaron]

This is exactly how I feel!!!

 

"I'm confused and conflicted.

I don't really have any friends right now. That is, I have human contact, I go to work, but I don't do anything outside of work with other humans. I feel distant and separated from everyone.

Which is strange, because in Buddhist thought we're all ultimately without separation or self, dependent origination, etc. So how can I feel separated? Yet I do, because the brain of any social animal compels them to seek contact with others. So that's an inescapable skandha, right, so I just need to make sure I'm not attached to it?

Then there's that quote everyone loves to toss around, the one about the rhino. "Be as the rhino and walk alone unless you find someone worth walking with." But we're also told to practice compassion and understanding, and if you're not having contact with other people because you're walking alone, how are you exercising compassion?

I tried going to the Buddhist temple for a while to find some sort of community or belonging in a social sense. I feel stupid for it, because it's just another form of clinging, right? Anyway, the temple didn't bring me anything, as dukkha inhabits all things. Not sure what I expected.

What do I think will change if I have friends or if I talk to people? Possibly being a hermit is a good thing.

But there's something else that gives rise to a thought that violently rejects that notion. No, being a hermit cannot be a good thing, I must be social, I must know people, but how?

I just feel really lonely right now, and I know that indicates my clinging and the lack of depth of my practice and my immaturity. But... I still feel these things. And I'm confused as all hell. Do I need friends? Should I have friends? Do I deserve friends?

I even feel distant from you guys, but I need to talk to somebody.

 

"Ashgromnies" I'm with this guy! What the hell do I do? Focus on sitting? I'm stuck!!"

 

Here's my advice, get off your ass, get out, and meet people. Quit complaining about being alone when there's no reason to be alone. Unless you have some glaring personality defect I can't see, I don't see any reason why you wouldn't be able to make friends. More often than not, we're alone because we want to be, not because we need to be.

 

Aaron

[konchog uma]

i felt like that for a while and then i got used to it.

 

fill your time with worthwhile things, whatever you do, and some things you don't do yet, but might try doing and like more than you thought you would

 

if you can't connect in an ashram or a temple, good luck in the world... i see the sense in 'go meet people' but then again, i don't. i don't have a lot of friends, i've just made my peace with it. i don't walk to the same beat as the masses, or even most of the non-conformists, or anyone really but other spiritual seekers, and even at that, only a handful of them and i see eye to eye. Which is more information about me than was asked for, but i thought i would volunteer it in an attempt to help you feel better.

 

theres a huge difference between being lonely and being alone. I have learned to be by myself (which i am at present) and not be lonely (which i get sometimes in truth, but am not at present) and am learning how to do it better every day.

 

Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever youre into? That really helps

 

good luck leon!

[Protector]

You can try going crazy for a while, I hear that helps

 

[Aetherous]

Do I need friends? Should I have friends? Do I deserve friends?

 

Yes, yes, yes.

 

Having good friends around is a great thing for the spiritual path. They get you out of your head...whereas isolation simply empowers the monkey mind, and negative sense of self, and can bring a lot of suffering. The purpose of Buddhism is to decrease suffering, not increase it, so drop what doesn't work. Relax, have fun.

[Mal]

This is exactly how I feel!!!

 

"I'm confused and conflicted.

I don't really have any friends right now. That is, I have human contact, I go to work, but I don't do anything outside of work with other humans. I feel distant and separated from everyone.

 

It's good that you realize how you feel.

 

I would recommend not going down the path of "realizing/understanding" what this means in terms of blame (ie sign of a lacking practice etc) as I'm not sure this would be helpful in a practical way.

 

Don't think, feel Be true to your feeling, which is you feel lonely and desire to change this.

 

Humans are social animals, most writers I've know tend to want less social connection than others but like anything, when you are getting less (or more) that what you want (or need) this causes distress.

 

It's trickier for the "less social / shy" type as we tend not to want to spend time at the commonplace large/loud social settings filled with strangers (eg pubs) Personally I feel internet socialization is an attempt to fill peoples need for connection, but the result can be unsatisfactory - like eating junk food it's perhaps ok for a treat but not good if you try to live on it I've noted improvements in my life from getting away from TTB and "out" in the real world.

 

My vehicles for doing this are music (don't they have open mic's for poets too ? ) and I have recently experienced the connections generated when getting together for a cooking class, surprisingly fun and highly recommended.

[Mal]

so drop what doesn't work. Relax, have fun.

 

Exactly

 

I now use the simple flowchart for everything

Edited September 1, 2012 by Mal Stainkey

[DalTheJigsaw123]

i felt like that for a while and then i got used to it.

 

fill your time with worthwhile things, whatever you do, and some things you don't do yet, but might try doing and like more than you thought you would

 

if you can't connect in an ashram or a temple, good luck in the world... i see the sense in 'go meet people' but then again, i don't. i don't have a lot of friends, i've just made my peace with it. i don't walk to the same beat as the masses, or even most of the non-conformists, or anyone really but other spiritual seekers, and even at that, only a handful of them and i see eye to eye. Which is more information about me than was asked for, but i thought i would volunteer it in an attempt to help you feel better.

 

theres a huge difference between being lonely and being alone. I have learned to be by myself (which i am at present) and not be lonely (which i get sometimes in truth, but am not at present) and am learning how to do it better every day.

 

Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever youre into? That really helps

 

good luck leon!

 

I do have a girlfriend. But she is busy most of the time. She has her own friends, job. I have work but my job is very lonely ( I drive all day). I just need to get out more???

[DalTheJigsaw123]

Here's my advice, get off your ass, get out, and meet people. Quit complaining about being alone when there's no reason to be alone. Unless you have some glaring personality defect I can't see, I don't see any reason why you wouldn't be able to make friends. More often than not, we're alone because we want to be, not because we need to be.

 

Aaron

 

Yea! I do need to get out! Somewhere! Most of the places, you need money?

[DalTheJigsaw123]

You can try going crazy for a while, I hear that helps

 

 

Been there and done that!

[DalTheJigsaw123]

Thanks everyone!!

[DalTheJigsaw123]

Exactly

 

I now use the simple flowchart for everything

 

Great flowchart!!

[Aetherous]

Exactly

 

I now use the simple flowchart for everything

 

Best flowchart ever!

[Protector]

 

Been there and done that!

 

ALRIGHT!!! SHOW ME YOUR BEST CRAZY!!!

[Ish]

Build some internal power.

[konchog uma]

I do have a girlfriend. But she is busy most of the time. She has her own friends, job. I have work but my job is very lonely ( I drive all day). I just need to get out more???

 

Maybe you do... i tend to think that everyone knows deep in their heart what they need, although i have my moments of doubt. I really just wanted to share my own experience, i cant even really advise following in anyone elses footsteps, although some good advice has been shared. Its difficult times that cause people to search their hearts and expand beyond their present boundaries. But i can advise to be patient with yourself, you will make friends with yourself and conquer loneliness, or meet some new people and find some new places. Or both. But don't be hard on yourself with expectations and ideals is my advice. Just be lonely, and channel that feeling positively and creatively, is i think the best advice i was given.

 

i found myself unable to connect to old friends for a time too.. just letting things fall away and generally irritating people in my life (especially the ones who took it personally). One of the best things for me socially was to get involved in my sanghas and take a more active role, so i volunteered to chair a "working group", and started reaching out to people where before i would just show up, sit, and leave. I still feel very much alone in a crowded world, but im not lonely. I know its different for everyone and my experience might not mean jack turd to you, but its all i have to offer.

 

I wish you the best during this transition.

 

with blessings

michael

 

edit: and what rainbowvein said! emotional crap is so often fertilizer for realization

Edited September 2, 2012 by anamatva

[Aaron]

 

 

Yea! I do need to get out! Somewhere! Most of the places, you need money?

 

 

this is just more excuses. I'm not rich, but I can go out and not spend a lot of money and still meet people. what you have to decide is what you really want in your life. if you are feeling lonely then you should go out and meet people. if you think that sitting at home alone is going to help you do that, then I think you are mistaken. here's what I would suggest, go to a coffee shop and sit down and talk to people.

 

if you are feeling shy, then what you need to do is force yourself to talk to people. when I was in the same situation as you I forced myself to go out and do karaoke. the reason I did this was because standing up in front of people forced me to address my shyness.

 

at first my knees shook and I could barely stand up, but eventually I got used to standing in front of people and from that experience I found I was eventually able to talk to people. what you need to do is find a solution. karaoke might not be your solution but I'm sure if you think about it you can come up with one. regardless of whatever anybody else here says there is no necessity for you being lonely and you certainly don't need to justify a reason to be lonely since there is no reason for being lonely.

 

I wish you the best.

 

Aaron

 

Edit- sorry for the lack of proper punctuation, but I am using my speech app on my android phone to type this. actually I should say speak this.

Edited September 2, 2012 by Aaron

[RiverSnake]

I was dealing with some pretty intense longings recently. A trick i developed was to simply use my systems to generate the emotions i was longing for without the external stimuli. I simply took the emotions or situations in my imagination that triggered those emotions and circulated them in my body....it worked quite well for me. Got the idea from the Secret Smile.

 

Not saying this is the solution to you problem...just a trick that i found effective for me.

 

-My 2 cents, Peace

[Protector]

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52DBl_yHDbI

 

 

Let's kill it back hehe

Edited September 2, 2012 by Sinfest

[DalTheJigsaw123]

Can you just sit with your loneliness? Allow it some space, so that you can pay attention to your feelings (as opposed to thoughts)...perhaps to discover what might be under this loneliness?

That is a wonderful suggestion!

I was doing that tonight and I also worked out and that seemed to help as well! Thanks again!

[DalTheJigsaw123]

Build some internal power.

 

What you mean?

Care to add to that?

[DalTheJigsaw123]

Maybe you do... i tend to think that everyone knows deep in their heart what they need, although i have my moments of doubt. I really just wanted to share my own experience, i cant even really advise following in anyone elses footsteps, although some good advice has been shared. Its difficult times that cause people to search their hearts and expand beyond their present boundaries. But i can advise to be patient with yourself, you will make friends with yourself and conquer loneliness, or meet some new people and find some new places. Or both. But don't be hard on yourself with expectations and ideals is my advice. Just be lonely, and channel that feeling positively and creatively, is i think the best advice i was given.

 

i found myself unable to connect to old friends for a time too.. just letting things fall away and generally irritating people in my life (especially the ones who took it personally). One of the best things for me socially was to get involved in my sanghas and take a more active role, so i volunteered to chair a "working group", and started reaching out to people where before i would just show up, sit, and leave. I still feel very much alone in a crowded world, but im not lonely. I know its different for everyone and my experience might not mean jack turd to you, but its all i have to offer.

 

I wish you the best during this transition.

 

with blessings

michael

 

edit: and what rainbowvein said! emotional crap is so often fertilizer for realization

 

Actually that meant a lot! Thank you for sharing!

You are right about joining a Sangha and actually volunteering and connecting with people there. When I used to go ... I would sit, eat and leave.

But once school is over a few more months, I will be more focused on that and hope to expand my inner circle.

Thanks again!

[DalTheJigsaw123]

this is just more excuses. I'm not rich, but I can go out and not spend a lot of money and still meet people. what you have to decide is what you really want in your life. if you are feeling lonely then you should go out and meet people. if you think that sitting at home alone is going to help you do that, then I think you are mistaken. here's what I would suggest, go to a coffee shop and sit down and talk to people.

 

if you are feeling shy, then what you need to do is force yourself to talk to people. when I was in the same situation as you I forced myself to go out and do karaoke. the reason I did this was because standing up in front of people forced me to address my shyness.

 

at first my knees shook and I could barely stand up, but eventually I got used to standing in front of people and from that experience I found I was eventually able to talk to people. what you need to do is find a solution. karaoke might not be your solution but I'm sure if you think about it you can come up with one. regardless of whatever anybody else here says there is no necessity for you being lonely and you certainly don't need to justify a reason to be lonely since there is no reason for being lonely.

 

I wish you the best.

 

Aaron

 

Edit- sorry for the lack of proper punctuation, but I am using my speech app on my android phone to type this. actually I should say speak this.

 

You always had great advice! Thanks! Definitely will figure something out!

[DalTheJigsaw123]

I was dealing with some pretty intense longings recently. A trick i developed was to simply use my systems to generate the emotions i was longing for without the external stimuli. I simply took the emotions or situations in my imagination that triggered those emotions and circulated them in my body....it worked quite well for me. Got the idea from the Secret Smile.

 

Not saying this is the solution to you problem...just a trick that i found effective for me.

 

-My 2 cents, Peace

 

interesting! Thank you!

So you basically saying sitting with it and trying to dig internally?

[Taomeow]

Even men of great power who can make millions do their bidding and bow to their will have no control over this...