The Anger within Leidee(s)

[Leidee]

I am doing a bit of inner healing work...actually, I am doing *a lot* of inner healing work

 

I see one very special lady who I trust implicitly and, over the two or so years I have known her, I am obviously working through different layers of stuff. Which brings me to the issue of women and anger.

 

How do women experience anger? Do we even know how to experience anger? Do we feel we are allowed to experience anger? Am I the only woman completely confused and scared of this emotion??

 

I know I have anger in me (this is why I don't drink - I am an angry drunk); but I don't yet feel consciously connected to my anger.

 

Anger confuses me a bit, I guess. Particularly when it is viewed in connection with what is considered as "appropriate" feminine or lady-like behaviour. Maybe I don't know how to express it or own it (yet)...

 

Open to all comments

 

Just don't piss me off cos I might get...

 

well...

 

confused?

[thelerner]

I love my Dad, but working with him was hard. He has a double AA now now now personality and I'm more laid back. What really helped me deal with frustration and anger was the martial arts. I don't think I could have lasted 12 years with him, without them.

 

I couldn't out think or philosophize away the anger I felt, not when the stressor was a constant. Practicing a martial art allowed me to burn away angry thoughts. There an internal physical part of anger and a hard work out works for that too. A good work out often do more to clear the mind then good psychiatrist.

 

So if its possible try a class. There are lots of woman in the martial arts. Learning to punch(and be punched), kick (ass) , scream (Kiai) might be just the release you need. Aikido was particularly good for me since most of it's practice was hands on rehersal. You could attack hard, the person knew what was coming and would turn it into a throw. Then you'd take turns.

 

 

 

There are problems you have to face and problems you can walk away from. Too often we stay a middle ground where anger and frustration ferment. Have a plan, face it, walk away from it, or make peace with it.

 

Last, I believe that in our inner core there is a deep peace. Its our sacred birth rite. We can't always access it, but its there, waiting, almost like its watching us. You can find it on walks and during meditation. So even when shit piles up, its there, and no matter what happens, eventually everything will work out.

 

Michael

[TwoTrees]

Very interesting topic, Leidee.

 

In my early teens I was quite the angry person. I'd been dealing with a step-family that was not particularly warm and welcoming (very much the opposite), being an overweight & unpopular nerd, and standing in the shadows of the bad decisions cast by others - yet having to assume an unwilling kind of responsibility of them.

I would get into physical fights constantly, cry myself to sleep after fits of rage (most usually after breaking something), be involved in juvenile acts of destruction, cursing incessantly and partaking of illegal substances ... the generally typical outlets

 

Not exactly the glistening bright path of an awakened spiritual being, but I feel has been highly transitional.

 

Just when I thought I would split at the seams and had attempting things I'd later most certainly regret, some things changed for the better. I think it was just another shining example that things happen for a reason.

 

There are problems you have to face and problems you can walk away from. Too often we stay a middle ground where anger and frustration ferment. Have a plan, face it, walk away from it, or make peace with it.

 

Last, I believe that in our inner core there is a deep peace. Its our sacred birth rite. We can't always access it, but its there, waiting, almost like its watching us. You can find it on walks and during meditation. So even when shit piles up, its there, and no matter what happens, eventually everything will work out.

 

Michael

 

The thing about being subject to anger too much is that it affects you more than it does the subject of your anger. Not letting it build up and dealing with it quickly will keep you from crossing the line of resorting to violent degradation. Hiding it or rationalizing it always feeds the flame more than helping to pass through it in a healthy manner. Touching with it, and understanding it (when you are not a being of excess in its manner like the experience above, like in Leidee's case) is a much different application, though. I must say that this is not a cause for worry, but is well worth the endeavor to open a connection to, as long as you find a positive means to direct it when you finally do. Creation or grounding in hard work and honorable ambition are excellent ways, in my opinion, to work yourself through it, because this keeps you from directing it to another person. I am also a fan of martial forms and combat exercise, they are also healthy ways to steam, or just lightly touch base with the more harsh emotions that we feel, and with that comes the careful consideration of your sparring partners (I've been very fortunate this last year and a half with a great spar-buddy). I will say ... that I've done some writing from those earlier years, and my goodness, I couldn't believe it when I came back in retrospect years later and read through some old journals. I wouldn't be able to even repeat it anywhere, it was soooo filled with anger, fear, shame, frustration ...

 

This has been the work that ensued from the years following being introduced to my first spiritual teacher.

An amazing and highly energetically luminous Shamanic healer.

 

Boy, did she have a time with me at first. Learning to adjust my frustration and discouragement took so many forms. She walked me through being critical, cynical, introverted, sarcastic (in the meanest sense), unmotivated and listless. She'd drilled into me things like - fear being a survival tactic, in that the mind creates a moment of crisis so that we will radically change direction. They are basically irrational; most can be overcome, even as you are deep in their grasp. She'd reminded me that a person twisted up in hatred and negative outlooks are destined to the repeat of events - being fired from jobs, rejected in love, denied the honor of leadership and generally reclused from most people, making meaningful interaction between you and the individuals you come across nearly impossible. She strove to bring me to higher levels of tolerance, thoughtfulness, honesty, kindess, and a loving nature to diffuse the constant purgatory of anger I was living in. If she had not been there and my problem left unchecked, I may have remained in a pattern of self-punishment, loathing, and reproach ... too wrapped up in its grips to truly change for the better ... maybe not. I do know that I am ever-grateful for her presence, then, and now - beyond the confines of the human body.

 

Leidee - With every person it is different, and I feel that you are fortunate to not be a victim to its constant intrusion ... and I hope that you find a healthy, safe, conscious way to connect to this energy, and pass through without harm to you or anyone lending assistance ... and may you find your way on the journey to wholeness, happiness, peace ...

 

Kind regards,

Michelle THTT

[Leidee]

Hi there

 

Thanks heaps for your replies.

 

I have something to say but I just got home from doing a 25-30km bike ride to the beach and some exhaustion has just kicked in! Cannot think, cannot type...

 

Will speak soon,

Leidee

[Leidee]

Oh well, so I hadn't replied again to this thread because I just couldn't connect to feelings of anger at the moment.

 

Well - all I have to say is "Thank god for parents!". All it takes is one 20 min telephone conversation with my mother and I am feeling the anger!!

 

It isn't that I don't love my mother....it just is that I don't LIKE her. She is what I would call a "bubble burster". For example - "Hey Mum; guess what? I am doing a triathlon in March...how cool is that?" "Oh dear, but you aren't really very athletic, you know?"...gee, Mum - I guess not - apart from all the sport I play and my tai chi and qi gong...I lead a very sedentary life...NOT.

 

So - then I wonder - OK, so I feel the anger now...what can I do with it? I have realised that my anger is what puts the fire in my belly to live the life I want - this can happen if I use the energy of the anger. If I fall into sadness ("My family doesn't understand me") then that isn't so effective. Personally, my experience is my sadness keeps me as a victim to the circumstance...whereas the anger, when harnessed, gives me the boost to achieve something that seems against the odds to do.

 

Just blathering on here...don't mind me

[forestofsouls]

Well - all I have to say is "Thank god for parents!". All it takes is one 20 min telephone conversation with my mother and I am feeling the anger!!

 

For many years, I was known as a fairly laid back guy. I rarely got angry, was easy going, taking things as they come. For a while, the spaces between strong inner angers were measured in months.

 

Then come the kids. Yes, kid. Parents can be aggravating, but only in limited doses. Kids will test, frustrate, annoy, mouth off and generally do everything in their power to make you lose your cool all the time!

 

Take an ordinary car ride. Sure, it has its stresses--- traffic, people who can't drive well, squirrels darting in front of your car. Then add kids. WHere are we going? Are we there? What is this farty noise I can make with my mouth? Is it annoying if I click this toy on my seatbelt 100 times? How about 1,000? 1,000,000? Have we been out of the house for five minutes, because I need something to drink and then I want to go to the bathroom. Calm down, sure: FOR SIX SECONDS then I'll be doing exactly the same thing you told me NOT to do 1,000 times before. You can see, this is no ordinary car ride. It is the surest test of equanimity ever devised by humankind.

 

Ah yes. Of course, I don't blame them: they're pure in the sense that they express themselves fully, and they have all their childlike impulses. And they can be very sweet, and loving, and run to you when you come home at the end of the day. Living and dealing with kids is possibly the best lesson I've ever received in dealing with frustration, anger, and endurance. I might not be able to achieve the samadhi of a monk living in seclusion, but I would like to see any monk deal with poopy diapers, not enough sleep, and the battle to get a child to clean her room.

Edited January 10, 2007 by forestofsouls

[Trunk]

btw, every woman should know about xiao yao wan. It's maybe the most common herbal patent medicine that sells in Chinatowns for about $2. When I was assisting at a Chinese herb store every woman who came in said it was so helpful for smoothing things out. Also, its' a very safe formula; it's a very middle-of-the-road formula that supplements and circulates blood, and aids digestion.

 

[Yoda]

Trunk,

 

Like the new avatar!

 

Leidee,

 

If you can do a triathalon then you have enough aggression. Focus on how well intended your mom is and then change the subject. My mom was born in the 40s and she wasn't allowed to run for fear her uterus would be hurt!! The generations will never see eye to eye and that's the way it should be.

 

-Yoda

[Leidee]

Good morning

 

Thanks for the replies.

 

ForestofSouls - nice post. I have no expectation of perfection from my parents - what I would like is for them to (once in a while) be supportive of me. Without going in to too much detail - I have never heard from my parents that I could do anything I set myself to do, that I am beautiful (or I was told I was beautiful but that meant I would have to be careful of the lecherous advances of men ) etc etc...so my recent conversation with Mum is another example of this issue. I was told I was the "scum under the fridge" once...

 

Trunk - I will get those herbs. I have only recently started to feel my anger and, at this stage, I think it has massive potential to transform my life and so, although I may be a bit "out there" for a little while - I would prefer to feel this for a while

 

Yoda - doing triathlons etc is a new experience for me - but it is a way for me to tap into another aspect of myself - and the anger/aggression does feed in to that as an energy source.

 

What I am doing now is truly trying to connect to my own nurturing side and my own supportive side. So, hopefully, (and it is getting better and better), I am less concerned to get the approval from my family because I approve, nurture, love, support and provide for myself

 

Going to see a chinese herbalist today at lunch so it will be interesting to see what comes of that.

 

Have a loverly day peeps

Leidee

[Leidee]

Saw the chinese herbalist today

 

Had some acupuncture and got two weeks worth of some fairly pungent herbs to simmer and drink.

 

Turns out that (overall) I am both yin and yang deficient.

 

No wonder I am so confused ~~

[KnightoftheBlackRose]

When I was younger I was a little too closely connected to my anger, I got in fights at school, was a handful for my mother, even took a swing at my dad. I was sent to a shrink in the hopes he would help me figure out why I was angry an maybe a way to control my anger. Needless to say he didnt help much, I was diagnosed as someone with Uncontrollable agression and nearly commited to a local hospital. Thankfully I discovered sports, football, wrestling, lifting ect. After a couple of years I found myself thinking back on what it was that caused my anger and I realized, it wasnt so much that I was angry so much as I didnt have an output for my agressive energy. Since then I have noticed this aggresive energy in everyone but it is only those who dont have an outlet such as Triathalons or Football that have anger problems.

 

The thing is we all have this aggresive energy and different things cause us to build up this force wether it be parents, childern or that idiot in the car ahead of us. No matter how we build it up we have to find a way to let a little out every now and then or it will build up to the point of explosion.

 

So my advice is no matter what causes you to be angry just realize it is a different type of energy that we have to find a way to burn or it will become toxic. In doing this we connect to our anger and accept it instead of making into something that is and evil force lying deep within us that is not a normal part of ourselves. It is the Yang to our Yin of happieness ( please forgive the poor analogy).

 

Take this advice and see if it works for you as well as it did for me, just remember that I was almost committed LOL

[freeform]

I'm actually quite similar to forestofsouls and possibly thelerner, in that I'm one of those laid-back types. And my dad is pretty similar to thelerner's... (if any of you are into the enneagram - I'm 9, my dad is 8).

 

I always thought that I'm not an angry person untill my practices brought me to the realisation that I've been angry most of my life - it got burried so deep that all that's seen is my calm, 'easy to get on with' exterior - I find it almost impossible to get angry at someone.

 

So now I'm trying to find a way of dealing with anger more honestly - the healing sounds have helped to some extent - but I know there is something else I should be doing to bring that repressed anger out. Forestofsouls i rekon your kids instinctually feel that when you let anger out you're more alive (or hiding less) and when there's more of you, there is more love for them (even though it may be in the form of anger).

 

I'm not really planning on having kids anytime soon, so can any of you suggest other ways of getting into contact with anger? I want to be able to sit and pay attention to my anger but it's hard for me - I tend to get angry (with my dad for example) and then suddenly lose it. I want to be able to be present and be angry at the same time. and this might be something for you to try, Leidee...

[Ian]

 

I'm not really planning on having kids anytime soon, so can any of you suggest other ways of getting into contact with anger? I want to be able to sit and pay attention to my anger but it's hard for me - I tend to get angry (with my dad for example) and then suddenly lose it. I want to be able to be present and be angry at the same time. and this might be something for you to try, Leidee...

 

Something that arose in a different context:

 

A friend who teaches teenagers, some quite unruly, recommends "getting angry", i.e. acting angry, some time before it gets to the point where you wouldn't be able to help it. That way the kids recognise that you're in control and can switch it on and off at will.

 

Not for his purposes, but you could try it, whenever someone's out of order: just act cross and see if anything physiological comes up which you could then anchor to. Fake it till you make it sort of thing.

 

Alternatively just keep doing body based meditation and you'll meet all your anger soon enough !!

[Japhy Ryder]

Something that arose in a different context:

 

A friend who teaches teenagers, some quite unruly, recommends "getting angry", i.e. acting angry, some time before it gets to the point where you wouldn't be able to help it. That way the kids recognise that you're in control and can switch it on and off at will.

 

 

Your friend's advice is excellent, Ian. When I started working with first-year college students, I thought I had to repress my anger to create a safe environment for them. After awhile, I learned to do what they do: express what I feel in the moment, then let it go. It was tremendously liberating for me to see that anger can have a short half-life.

[Leidee]

How interesting that this discussion has amped up again!

 

I have picked up a lot of behavioural repressions as I have grown and developed...it is only now at 30 years young that I am beginning to be able to accept my anger, my love, my happiness, my sexuality, my jealousies etc etc. I still hit problems now and then and revert back to more childish responses but I feel recently I have struck on a way to feel the emotion without being a slave or victim to it. The emotion doesn't exist without me so how am I feeding it?

 

Of late I have really not been doing and qigong , taichi or meditation - I have just kind of thrown myself into a more active life, putting myself in situations where I am out of my comfort zone and letting things come and wash over me. I think doing this has created the environment for my recent growth but soon it will be time to get back to my daily practices and take it all in at other levels.

 

Probably what it comes down to overall for me is this: I am a strong woman and part of my strength is the healthy expression of ALL emotion. I am also an intelligent woman and part of my strength is using my intelligence. For a while I learned to tone myself down so as not to intimidate people around me (particularly men) but I have realised that toning myself down creates tension within myself.

[freeform]

Thanks Ian.

 

It's actually surprisingly difficult for me to 'act' angry. I just end up giggling like an embarassed schoolgirl. Whenever I do show outward anger (very rarely) I dissasociate completely (I'm not in my body, or even my head - it's like I'm unconscious).

 

Untill recently I didn't even realise that I get angry... I thought I was a calm, cool headed kind of person - now I've realised I was kidding myself to an unbeliavable extent. now that I've managed to be present with my anger for a short period of time, I can feel when it happens - or rather feel when it doesn't happen (a rare event) lol

 

For a while I learned to tone myself down so as not to intimidate people around me... but I have realised that toning myself down creates tension within myself.

 

Leidee, that struck a particular cord with me... I've alway's been carefull not to 'impose' myself on others - which requires me to repress my emotions - specifically anger...

[Ian]

Thanks Ian.

 

It's actually surprisingly difficult for me to 'act' angry. I just end up giggling like an embarassed schoolgirl. Whenever I do show outward anger (very rarely) I dissasociate completely (I'm not in my body, or even my head - it's like I'm unconscious).

 

Leidee, that struck a particular cord with me... I've alway's been carefull not to 'impose' myself on others - which requires me to repress my emotions - specifically anger...

 

That's interesting. Me too. I've always been very concerned not to offend or upset people, especially female people. But that has changed quite a lot in the last few months.

 

And people don't respond badly to it. I swear loads, insult people and argue much more. But I enjoy it, and that seems to be infectious. It can be good to claim a bit of verbal territory.

 

Having said that, when I'm about to argue about something important, that really matters, especially if I have to raise the subject out of the blue, then I get palpitations. Like I've just run for my life. Amazing.