End of relationship...

[Jox]

I think it is good topic to discus...

 

What is going on with our body, mind and spirit, when our relationship is finished?

Why do we feel so much pain and sadness? Why our energetic system fluctuate?

Etc...

 

 

Jox,

Edited December 11, 2012 by Jox

[C T]

What kind of relationship are you pointing at, sir?

 

Also, what means 'finished'? By choice, not by choice, choices beyond one's control, etc.

 

Interesting all the same!

[skydog]

hmm interesting topic.. seems that all the crap comes out and you get a chance to really look at that, also you are sharing your energy with your partner eg sex is an interchange of energy and in many ways those crappy feelings have an energetic basis, furthermore there are some codependency like subconscious thoughts and feelings that most people seem to have living in a codependent society eg "I need to fix others, I need to be fixed/rescued, I am not safe, I am not good enough the way I am, I need a partner to be more than/less than human etc etc" Also does the relationship really ever end? hmmm

 

Just some thoughts going through my mind...

Edited December 11, 2012 by sinansencer

[GrandmasterP]

Move on.

There are plenty more fishies in the sea.

[Jox]

What kind of relationship are you pointing at, sir?

 

Also, what means 'finished'? By choice, not by choice, choices beyond one's control, etc.

 

Interesting all the same!

 

Relationship girlfriend / boyfriend...

[Flolfolil]

Well for starters you start closing off your chest and your breathing becomes shallow, which can lead to all sorts of bad feelings

[oildrops]

I think we experience so much through love and sex that it overwhelms our system. Maybe the pain comes from the mind trying to rationalize the fear of losing a mate and never being able to produce children. I think our physical systems adapt to each partner, that's why sex gets better and better with someone you trust. Maybe the pheromones and regular surges of dopamine from affection are needed to regulate after a while.

[Aetherous]

The fact that it's so devastating (lets be honest, it is) should bring awareness to our own actions towards our significant others.

 

Are we leading someone else on, ever? Are we not being totally honest and up front with someone who is interested in us? Are we accepting being with someone who we don't see ourselves with at some point in the future? Are we cheating on them, because we "need" something more? Are we using them for our own loneliness, or just to say you have a girlfriend/boyfriend like all the other normal people do?

 

All of those behaviors are fucked.

 

With a lover, you open up so much. They are closer than your best friends or family...they see you at your worst, and also in the best light at times...they are the object of your desires...a person in love feels like they can't be apart, or that when they are, they can feel the love of the other person even across the world...the time spent together is pure bliss. Even the imperfections of the person, are things that are attractive.

 

It's horrible that someone can have such access to you, and then break you just out of complete disregard.

 

What's going on energetically? Well, an idiotic monster from the pits of hell tore open your ribcage, with a smile, then spit and shat on your heart, and left you half dead, lying in the middle of the winter street, outside of a hospital, on your birthday. That's what's going on...

 

So be careful.

 

edit: but for those who don't take advantage of the innocence and love of others. Who aren't selfish and messed up. Then they can have relationships which are really rewarding, where the two open each other up much more than if they were alone.

Edited December 12, 2012 by turtle shell

[GrandmasterP]

The very worst times fade into memory eventually and we can each learn from mistakes made in order to avoid future repetition.

The first Mrs GMP seemed to have everything a man could wish for (moustache, tatoos, big muscles and a well paid job kick starting jumbo jets at Manchester Airport), but in the fulness of time (27-years) we just drifted apart.

You move on, and the second Mrs GMP is much nicer, hence had that first split not happened; this second and much happier domestic situation could not have emerged.

[Jox]

The fact that it's so devastating (lets be honest, it is) should bring awareness to our own actions towards our significant others.

 

Are we leading someone else on, ever? Are we not being totally honest and up front with someone who is interested in us? Are we accepting being with someone who we don't see ourselves with at some point in the future? Are we cheating on them, because we "need" something more? Are we using them for our own loneliness, or just to say you have a girlfriend/boyfriend like all the other normal people do?

 

All of those behaviors are fucked.

 

With a lover, you open up so much. They are closer than your best friends or family...they see you at your worst, and also in the best light at times...they are the object of your desires...a person in love feels like they can't be apart, or that when they are, they can feel the love of the other person even across the world...the time spent together is pure bliss. Even the imperfections of the person, are things that are attractive.

 

It's horrible that someone can have such access to you, and then break you just out of complete disregard.

 

What's going on energetically? Well, an idiotic monster from the pits of hell tore open your ribcage, with a smile, then spit and shat on your heart, and left you half dead, lying in the middle of the winter street, outside of a hospital, on your birthday. That's what's going on...

 

So be careful.

 

edit: but for those who don't take advantage of the innocence and love of others. Who aren't selfish and messed up. Then they can have relationships which are really rewarding, where the two open each other up much more than if they were alone.

 

You are right...

Edited December 12, 2012 by Jox

[joeblast]

only by love does hatred cease. the heart shines on.

[GrandmasterP]

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Fuck-It-The-Ultimate-Spiritual/dp/1905633041/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1355352228&sr=8-4

A little book of comfort here.

[laughingblade]

The very worst times fade into memory eventually and we can each learn from mistakes made in order to avoid future repetition.

The first Mrs GMP seemed to have everything a man could wish for (moustache, tatoos, big muscles and a well paid job kick starting jumbo jets at Manchester Airport), but in the fulness of time (27-years) we just drifted apart.

You move on, and the second Mrs GMP is much nicer, hence had that first split not happened; this second and much happier domestic situation could not have emerged.

 

 

The first Mrs GMP? I think I may have gone out with her sister for a while in 1972.

[Antares]

We have pain because of Ego. No Ego no pain. It is good chance to see our weak parts and work it out going through pain. It is the process of letting go. Ego projects our mind outside and looking for somebody there to satisfy itself by possessing somebody. But we can not be sure 100 percents in anyBODY else. The truth is only in non dual state of mind. That is where problems coming from - dual state of mind

[Jox]

The truth is only in non dual state of mind. That is where problems coming from - dual state of mind.

 

...

Edited December 13, 2012 by Jox

[ShenLung]

I believe that a great deal of post-relationship angst is rooted in the formation of attachment. Consider the words that are commonly used with relationships: We have a relationship, we are building a relationship. These are words used to describe an association with things. According to buddhist philosophy "Attachments to that which does not last leads to suffering."

All relationships come to an end. Objectifying a relationship is what enables it's dissolution to cause suffering.

If it can be posessed, it can be lost or stolen; if it can be built it can be damaged or destroyed. How many persons behave unatrually or practise dishonesty out of fear of harming their relationships?

A better approach to relationships might be to experience a relationship, rather than seek to have one.

[Antares]

A better approach to relationships might be to experience a relationship,

 

Not easy to find your cup of tea if you are spiritual seeker as people NORMALLY are very much mundane and as according to my experience women don't need anything spiritual in common like men. May be just me exp. but it is mine.

Typical crap in women's mind shown in this movie:

 

This is Irish movie. Just watch it. It is depressive but very much true about people relations

[ShenLung]

Not easy to find your cup of tea if you are spiritual seeker ... Indeed, this is one of the reasons that many spiritual seekers live like monks, even if they are not living in a monastary.

[Antares]

My last relationship was broken because I was talking something about spiritual things. She said that there is no point in seeing each other again sending me sms that she wanted fun in a pub . Not all like that but vast majority. It is better to concentrate on your practice

[Antares]

I found Once to be a beautiful story. It has a nice soundtrack too.

 

Oh, yeah, great story and sountracks

[ShenLung]

The advice to be wary of forming emotional attachments does little for a person who is already suffering from a failed relationship; it is a lot like shutting the paddock gate after the horses are gone. A relationship that has been objectified tends to take on a life of it's own, like it was a real person; a living thing. When the relationship ends, it may seem as if someone has died, in certain respects.

When someone or something living to whom we have established an emotional attachment departs, we experience grief. Overcoming this grief can not be done by refusing to acknowledge it; it must be experienced throughout it's various stages:

Shock, Denial, Bargaining, Guilt, Anger, Despair, and finally acceptance. Everyone will not experience grief in the same way, or in the same order, necessarily.

 

Shock: One might have a feeling of the world falling away beneath one's feet, like a sudden descent in an elevator. The world does not seem real - this sensation can quickly develop into Denial, where one cannot or simply does not wish to acknowledge that the relationship has ended. To help with this phase, one must find a way to bring one's mind to the present moment; work, excercise, walking or stillness meditation - whatever it takes to rejoin the now. Denial, at least in some respects, will persist until Acceptance has been reached.

 

Bargaining: Still in the throes of Denial, one may attempt to find some way to 'breath life' back into the relationship. To someone on the outside looking in, the person is engaging in self-delusional behavior, believing falsely that they can somehow control how another feels. I've written an essay on control elsewhere, and presently I shall provide a link for it here.

http://thetaobums.com/topic/25809-on-control/

 

Guilt: A period of self-reflection in order to discern what one might have done wrong to cause the end of the relationship. Sometimes the produce of this examination becomes fodder for Bargaining, or the mourner will become angry with him/herself and proceed with self-inflicted emotional punishment. In the latter case, one should attempt to cultivate self compassion; understanding that one is still developing and growing, and that mistakes provide an opportunity to grow.

 

Anger: Now the sufferer is externalizing their pain, and assigning blame to the other(s) for their suffering. Human beings are not the paragons of virtue, the physical embodiment of divine perfection; they are flawed, often deeply so, and the sufferer should now be quite aware of this. One of the great hazards of building relationships is the tendancy to project one's idealized view of the other upon the relationship, instead of accepting the other, and the relationship for who they are/ what it is. Apply compassion for the other in understanding this nature, then allow them to peacefully go their own way.

 

Despair: The sufferer wallows in self-pity, struggles with that dreadful sense of anxiety born of the thought that perhaps they will never have a real loving relationship ever again. This state can completely consume one's thoughts and dominate one's life to the point that sleep and appetite are diminished or lost entirely; or may be subliminated by engaging in self destructive patterns of behavior. Despair often emerges throught the grieving process, but is overcome as one progresses through these stages, until finally the sharpness of the emotional pain fades away, or one eventually learns to stop trying to have a relationship, but merely appreciate the experience when it next occurs. At this point, one has reached Acceptance, and the emotional healing process can be accomplished.

Edited December 13, 2012 by ShenLung

[GrandmasterP]

DAAD =

Denial

Anger

Acceptance

Development

[ShenLung]

Ok, one last little bit, partially to provide some levity with regards to such a serious topic, and partially to provide some insight when I tell folks that a large portion of how we experience our realities is based upon how we choose to percieve them ... I offer this clip. The reality selection bit comes in at about 44.25 minutes ... enjoy!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdWl0jvDXgk

[Aetherous]

OK class. In today's lesson we will watch the movie, Take This Waltz. No falling asleep in class! You will be tested.

 

 

 

31 The sayings of King Lemuel—an inspired utterance his mother taught him.

 

 

² Listen, my son! Listen, son of my womb!

Listen, my son, the answer to my prayers!

³ Do not spend your strength^[a] on women,

your vigor on those who ruin kings.

 

⁴ It is not for kings, Lemuel—

it is not for kings to drink wine,

not for rulers to crave beer,

⁵ lest they drink and forget what has been decreed,

and deprive all the oppressed of their rights.

⁶ Let beer be for those who are perishing,

wine for those who are in anguish!

⁷ Let them drink and forget their poverty

and remember their misery no more.

 

⁸ Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves,

for the rights of all who are destitute.

⁹ Speak up and judge fairly;

defend the rights of the poor and needy.

 

^{10 [b]}A wife of noble character who can find?

She is worth far more than rubies.

¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her

and lacks nothing of value.

¹² She brings him good, not harm,

all the days of her life.

¹³ She selects wool and flax

and works with eager hands.

¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,

bringing her food from afar.

¹⁵ She gets up while it is still night;

she provides food for her family

and portions for her female servants.

¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;

out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;

her arms are strong for her tasks.

¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,

and her lamp does not go out at night.

¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff

and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor

and extends her hands to the needy.

²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;

for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

²² She makes coverings for her bed;

she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,

where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,

and supplies the merchants with sashes.

²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;

she can laugh at the days to come.

²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,

and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household

and does not eat the bread of idleness.

²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;

her husband also, and he praises her:

²⁹ “Many women do noble things,

but you surpass them all.”

³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

³¹ Honor her for all that her hands have done,

and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

 

- Proverbs, 31:2-31 NIV

 

1My son, pay attention to my wisdom,

listen well to my words of insight,

2that you may maintain discretion

and your lips may preserve knowledge.

3For the lips of an adulteress drip honey,

and her speech is smoother than oil;

4but in the end she is bitter as gall,

sharp as a double-edged sword.

5Her feet go down to death;

her steps lead straight to the grave.^a

6She gives no thought to the way of life;

her paths are crooked, but she knows it not.

7Now then, my sons, listen to me;

do not turn aside from what I say.

8Keep to a path far from her,

do not go near the door of her house,

9lest you give your best strength to others

and your years to one who is cruel,

10lest strangers feast on your wealth

and your toil enrich another man’s house.

11At the end of your life you will groan,

when your flesh and body are spent.

12You will say, “How I hated discipline!

How my heart spurned correction!

13I would not obey my teachers

or listen to my instructors.

14I have come to the brink of utter ruin

in the midst of the whole assembly.”

15Drink water from your own cistern,

running water from your own well.

16Should your springs overflow in the streets,

your streams of water in the public squares?

17Let them be yours alone,

never to be shared with strangers.

18May your fountain be blessed,

and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.

19A loving doe, a graceful deer—

may her breasts satisfy you always,

may you ever be captivated by her love.

20Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress?

Why embrace the bosom of another man’s wife?

21For a man’s ways are in full view of the Lord,

and he examines all his paths.

22The evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him;

the cords of his sin hold him fast.

23He will die for lack of discipline,

led astray by his own great folly.

- Proverbs 5

Edited December 14, 2012 by turtle shell

[ShenLung]

qq, b-but, Turtle .. I like a good dopplebock in the evening! Can't go too wrong with proverbs, though.

I like the one that says "What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun" - which is ecclesiastes 1:9, not proverbs, but it does the trick.

Oh, the suffering and misery that could be avoided if we were only to listen to the wisdom of old men and proverbs!