Stress, Grieving, and the Tao

[illyria]

So right now I am dealing with a terminal illness within my family. It has been a long battle but it looks like it will be ending fairly soon. A DNR has been signed, and there is so much emotion and stress going on around me. There has also been some heartbreak as I learned that a family member attempted to forge documents in order to put themselves down as beneficiary to life insurance. There's just so much going on. I am doing everything I can to help, and am able to keep a cool head and sort things out and tackle things one at a time. There is a deep sadness within me that doesn't feel ready to come out yet, though. I am trying to get through this the healthiest way possible.

 

Are there any specific meditations or Qigong that might help with this? Anything I could do to look after myself?

[Harmonious Emptiness]

First thing that comes to mind is focus on love and forgiveness.

[doc benway]

Mindful breathing would be a good start.

Any qigong or yoga you are comfortable with would help.

I also think that spending time and offering your undivided attention to your dying relative is a valuable practice.

Good luck in this difficult time.

[ShenLung]

Are there any specific meditations or Qigong that might help with this? Anything I could do to look after myself?

 

So far, you seem to be doing well: keeping mindful of the present moment, some looking ahead to be useful in the future. You are helping where you can, but I sense that it is in those areas that cannot be helped that the emotional logjam is starting to form up. Sharing burdens does help to lighten them, and you are doing this, also.

 

If you can take the time to have a journey into the countryside, a day spent with nature can be very cleansing. A few very nice brooks out near Harrisburg come to mind, but something similar might be found near philly, too. Something to try might be to stop at a florist, and pick up a few flowers. Nothing fancy, but look for nice, full, concave petals. At one of these brooks, have a seat and get yourself settled into a state of calm reflection. One by one, pick the petals from the flowers, thinking on those things that are making you feel sad. Place the petals on the surface of the water, and allow the brook to carry them downstream. This excercise can also be accomplished in meditation at home (and you can make it summer by the brook, also, which is nice). The problems will not go away, but the sadness can be lessened with this technique.

[zanshin]

Take daily salt baths if you can.

 

Make sort of a ritual of washing your hands when leaving places of illness or after dealing with difficult family members, this is good for you both physically and spiritually.

 

And I agree spending time and attention with your dying relative is very valuable, especially quiet sitting or talking about old times while you still can, administrative things and estate planning must be done but should be secondary to feeling love for the one who is leaving this plane. Love to you too, last week lost a loved one after a decline and period of hospice care myself, at least minimal drama. In any case it is difficult, not feeling a very festive holiday season.

[illyria]

Thanks for the responses so far. I am trying to focus on love while I am with her in the hospital. It is hard, though, because often the sadness bubbles up.

 

A journey to the countryside does sound nice. Perhaps once this winter storm is over I might try to find a good place. I'm sorry for your loss Zanshin. We had a meeting with hospice this week too, really nice people. And yeah, not feelin' the holiday cheer over here, either.

[ShenLung]

The missus suggested writing down the troubles on a piece of paper, then disposing of the paper in some way ... a variation on the same conept of "find something to do to adress the problems for which nothing can be done". Sometimes words don't work, though .. it is just raw feeling.

Hmm ... bubbles. Fitting a bubble bath into the schedule might be easy enough!

[Harmonious Emptiness]

Perhaps consider this excerpt from the late Zen master Empty Cloud's writings, and as Shen Lung recommended, keep mindful of the present moment. You can even meditate now while reading this by being mindful of the present moment.

 

From Chan Teachinigs of Master Hsu Yun:

 

Beyond meditation practice, there is attitude. A beginner must learn to cultivate what is called, "the poise of a dying man". What is this poise? It is the poise of knowing what is important and what is not, and of being accepting and forgiving. Anyone who has ever been at the bedside of a dying man will understand this poise. What would the dying man do if someone were to insult him? Nothing. What would the dying man do if someone were to strike him? Nothing. As he lay there, would he scheme to become famous or wealthy? No. If someone who had once offended him were to ask him for his forgiveness would he not give it? Of course he would. A dying man knows the pointlessness of enmity. Hatred is always such a wretched feeling. Who wishes to die feeling hatred in his heart? No one. The dying seek love and peace.

 

There was a time when that dying man indulged himself with feelings of pride, greed, lust and anger, but now such feelings are gone. There was a time when he indulged his bad habits, but now he is free of them. He carries nothing. He has laid his burdens down. He is at peace.

Dear friends, when we have breathed our last, this physical body of ours will become a corpse. If we strive now to regard this physical body as a corpse, that peace will come to us sooner.

 

If we regarded each day of our life as if it were our last day, we wouldn't waste one precious minute in frivolous pursuits or in grudging, injurious anger. We wouldn't neglect to show love and gratitude to those who had been kind to us. We wouldn't withhold our forgiveness for any offense, small or great. And if we had erred, wouldn't we ask for forgiveness, even with our dying breath?

 

Well then, if this is the great difficulty for a beginner, what obstacle does an intermediate practitioner face? Results! After he cultivates the discipline of the Buddha Dharma, he must continue to tend his garden as he awaits the ripening of the Holy Fruit! However, his waiting must be passive waiting. He cannot expect or schedule the harvest season. In farming, it is possible to estimate how long beans will take to mature or apples to ripen. But Enlightenment will come when it will come.

 

When it comes, the meditator will suddenly experience his True Nature. He will also understand that his ego truly is a creature of fiction, a harmful illusion. Now, with confusion eliminated, he will become imperturbable. He will develop a singleness of mind, a oneness that will shine in purity and be absolute in tranquility. Naturally, when he reaches this stage, he must act to preserve this Diamond Eye of Wisdom. He must be vigilant in not allowing his ego to reassert itself since to do so would be a foolish attempt to graft a second useless head onto his neck.

 

Whenever we reach the egoless state of perfect awareness, we find it impossible to describe. The situation's rather like an observer who watches a fellow drink a glass of water. Was the water warm or cool? The observer can't tell but the fellow who's done the drinking does know. If the observer disagrees, can they argue about it? No. Can we debate enlightenment with the unenlightened? No. Such discussions would be futile. Chan Master Lin Ji used to say, "Fence with fencing masters. Discuss poetry with poets." A person who has reached the egoless state can communicate this experience only to someone else who has reached it.

But after Enlightenment, then what?

 

After Enlightenment, we experience the Great Bodhisattva adventure. In our meditations we enter Guan Yin's realm. This is the most wonderful world of all.

Edited December 27, 2012 by Harmonious Emptiness

[Gods_Breath]

Don't feel the need to "focus on love" or focus on anything except your immediate relation with your family member. If it's sad, let it be sad. If it's making you feel anxious, then recognize that you feel anxious, but remember that you are not here for yourself right now. Your love will be communicated just by your presence. it doesn't require any "doing" on your part.

 

with the intensity of everything in your life, I would imagine that simple is going to be best. meditation on the breath, and natural flow qigong helped me tremendously when moving through a similar situation recently. anything that involves effort or strain is going to strike you as extremely off-putting right now, so keep it simple and keep things natural. Do what speaks to and through you. The letting go and witnessing can be a real benefit, and hopefully it can help you find more ease in simply sharing your presence with your family member.

[ChiDragon]

I was in a same situation few years ago with my mother had a brain tumor. The thing to do is to have a peace of mind. It is a matter how strong your mind is to take such an adversity.

 

It was from the knowledge of the Tao Te Ching which helped me gone to easy my mind. The whole concept in the Tao Te Ching is Wu Wei. Let Nature take its course; and that was exactly what my mother did by not having a brain surgery. She figured it will cause more pain and longer time to heal at her old age. She rather take it easy for rest of her times. Even though she did not study the Tao Te Ching, but she had the same thought of Wu Wei as laid by Lao Tze. It was a relief for me too because her thoughts coincided with what I had learnt from the TTC. So we had a experienced nurse by her side day by day. The nurse knew exactly when her time was due and told us. So, we are well prepared for.

 

She left in peace and selected a nice funeral home for herself. I eulogized her with no tear in my eyes because I knew that was how Nature take its course. Zhuang Tze says: "From life to death is only a process that we have to go through. There was a beginning and there was an ending. All the suffering had been gone at the end of death. Thus there was nothing more to be felt sorrow for. The persons who are still living just continue with the normal routine. One passed away, it doesn't mean one will take everything away.

Edited December 29, 2012 by ChiDragon

[illyria]

I just wanted to update this. So, my grandma currently is in hospice care under DNR orders. I am back home for now, and plan to visit again soon when I am able, though I am very aware that I might get "the phone call" any day now. Her oncologist estimated she has about a month left.

 

Sometimes I feel like I am fine, and then other times I just start to cry and wallow in the future that will not be (how if/when I do have children, they will never know her, that sort of stuff...). I drift between feeling like the sadness is healthy and other times feeling like I am just tormenting myself and am being selfish for holding onto her in this sort of way, that I am just indulging in the sadness, because I know she wouldn't want me to be in pain and I know she is being well cared for and is a.. transitional stage between this life and whatever comes after (assuming there is something).

 

Since I've been out of town I haven't kept up with my Qigong (I found some free videos) but I have been practicing meditations through the Meditation Oasis podcast (the lady's voice is so soothing!). Now that I'm back home I'm going to try and get back into things if I can (I have just been feeling either incredibly drained or overcharged-buzzy, no nice middle ground).

[Birch]

Sorry you're going through some trying times. I don't know if there's a 'proper' way to do any of it (and I certainly wouldn't caution the Kubler-Ross 'stages')

 

I dealt with it just at the end of last year and it's been very mixed. The person was very ill, very loved by me. I felt I had to 'support' a lot of the other people and didn't really get a chance without them there to do it 'my way'.

 

Practice was helpful in dealing with the other people but not with myself. I can understand the 'indulgence' of sadness but there's IMO/IME a clear difference between that and the actual grief.

 

At the time he passed, I had some very strange experiences of being in communication with him in a dream. I might get around to sharing that in the PPF at some point.

[illyria]

So, my grandma passed away last Saturday night. I was the last person with her before she left. After about 45 minutes of my leaving the nursing home she died. She was 74.

 

I tried my very best to help her on her way. I read to her aloud for a few hours that day, kept her company, and played music. I also talked to her and let her know that I knew she wasn't happy in the state she was in (she was nonresponsive at this point), and I also let her know that while I felt like it was too soon, I understood what was happening and that I wanted her to be happy, and that she didn't need to worry about me or the others she would be leaving behind. I also jokingly added that she needed to come haunt me after and let me know what it's like where she was headed. The last things I said to her were how much I loved her and that I wanted her to rest well and that I'd see her in the morning (I had planned to return the next day).

 

Around the time she died, I felt her presence and I'm not sure if it's just a coincidence or something more. Basically, I was sitting on the couch with my laptop and suddenly I felt Love and felt like I was with her, or she was with me - it's hard to describe. Like there was a middle-place between me being there in the room with her, and her being there in the room with me. It only last a couple seconds, and then a few minutes later we got the call from the nurse that they found her already gone when they went to give her her evening bath.

 

I have a lot of conflicting emotions - I feel sad, of course. But also curious about where she is now, if anywhere. Hopeful that she is in the source of all, in the heart of love. Happy she suffers no longer and perhaps feeling a kind of freedom she's never had before.

 

Anyway, I haven't been very good at keeping up with my practices so I am hoping to resume that shortly once I get back into the swing of things. I am supporting others as well and trying my best to have my own space and time that is free of their demands and beyond the reach of family/inheritance drama.

 

A friend shared this poem with me, seemed to hit the right spot:

 

The temple bell stops.
But the sound keeps coming
out of the flowers.

 

-- Basho

 

Edited February 9, 2013 by illyria

[Birch]

My condolences.