The privilege of helping someone die

[manitou]

We have a friend, Mo, who has terminal cancer, and has for the several years we've known him. Western medicine in all respects has been tried, and it's now just a matter of pain management. I have used every bit of healing intent, ceremony, and conversing with his higher self to try and turn this around, but he is now in his terminal stages. He lies there in his bed, in his apartment, gazing at the ceiling, an oxygen tube in his nose, eyes fuzzy and unfocused, and the only sound in the room is the heavy labor of his breathing.

 

The time for visitors has come and gone. the time for bringing him pumpkin pie and Cool Whip has come and gone - we've done that for months. Nothing awaits him but the crossing.

 

My sense told me to go over there today, unannounced. Had I called, his sister Mary Kay would have told me not to come, he was too weak for visitors. But I just went and knocked on the door anyways. He was so morphined up that he didn't know up from down. I told his sister that he likes my 'touch', he thinks my hands are healing. She agreed, he had told her that as well. So I went in and knelt down by his bed and placed my hands on him.

 

I stayed in that position for maybe 20 minutes. During that time, he painfully moved one of his arms and placed his hand over my wrist and held it there, just gently squeezing once. There was no conversation. But there was a wonderful bond of silence that I've never experienced before; so very close to death in a physical sense, and holding the hand and being present for someone who is looking into the precipice.

 

He has lots of folks around him during the day. Mary Kay will clean his place, compulsively so, to cope with losing her brother. His estranged wife comes at night and sits in a chair on the other side of the room. His father comes to his bedside at night and reads him the paper.

 

But sometimes there is nothing better than physical touch. Just for the person to know that he has another 'soul' with him, that he's not alone as he stands facing death. Just holding the hand in silence seems to be the most intimate communication to have with someone so close. And to hold the hand for an extended length of time is truly a gift; not only to the person dying, but to the person living. A peace beyond compare, almost.

 

There was a time when I coudn't have stood so close to death. I was one who never knew what to say to someone who was dying....I would avoid funerals or anything to do with death....or especially visiting people who were imminently terminal. I couldn't wait to get out of the hospital - my visits were short. I just didn't know what to say - I guess my own fear of my own mortality stood in the way of Love and communication.

 

I now see what happened today as a true gift to Me. I am so very grateful that I was able to communicate with Mo at a time that he needs it most; even if it wasn't with words. Actually, I did whisper some words to him as I was rubbing his forehead; I told him thank you for the incredible service he gave his country (he was an Army Ranger), the service he's given to his community in Pennsylvania, the incredible job he did raising his 3 kids, and I thanked him for the wonderful friend he's been to Joe and I. I don't know if he even heard the words, but I'm pretty sure that at some level he did.

 

Anyone who is reading this, if you ever have an opportunity to spend the very last hours with someone, please don't shy away from it. I can't express to you how wonderful it is, once you accept the fact that your friend is facing the inevitable. To be a true friend to someone in that kind of need, the need for human contact at the time of his crossing -- this gives you a sense of peace and love that I can't put into words.

 

I'm just grateful, that's all.

[Mal]

Thanks manitou _/\_

 

I also have trouble knowing what to say, my culture has poorly equipped me to deal with death, even illness is approached in terms of "get better soon" I feel embarrassed in the face of death, am I doing or saying the wrong thing?

 

Just be there, provide human contact - I can remember to do this.

 

thank you.

[thelerner]

Another thanks for sharing your experience. Death brings a time when things get very real.