Essence Over-Exchange

[WHITEROOMENERGYMINE1]

Hello,

 

I am looking for advice/help with respect to my relationship with my girlfriend. Her and I have been seeing each other for about a year (I am 20, she is 21) and have recently run into trouble.

 

Somehow I believe we have improperly exchanged male and female essence resulting in an unbalanced and unhealthy ratio in both her and I. Our sex life was always great but it has petered out over the past month and we have not had sex in a week.

We were talking about our sexual relationship today and neither of feel healthy about it. There was not even enough attraction today to make love even after a week of abstaining.

 

We both have what seems to be too much of the opposite sex within our psyche. I was meditating today and felt as though half of my energetic body was female. I have been feeling off for a while and acknowledging this made me feel at peace, but I do not think this is right for it seems unnatural.

She said she felt like she looked manly the other day and I swear looking in the mirror today my face appeared feminine. We both feel lethargic, energy-less and do not know what to do.

We both admitted that we have even been having some homosexual feelings recently and have never felt like this before. Possibly attracted to the sexual energy that we need?

 

Is this reversible? Neither of us planned for this to happen nor truly desired it.

I must right this. She was so upset today I just can not take it.

 

This is hard to write and I humbly ask for any help that you can offer. I have no idea what this is and have not heard of something like this.

 

Thank you,

theNERD

[Aetherous]

It's good to cultivate masculinity, if you're a guy. Not many will say that in our society, and especially in a place like this forum. Spirituality has its pitfalls, but they can be avoided if you're willing to learn outside the box. The loss of masculinity is one of those pitfalls. Just my experience that it's good to know what manly things are, and to take part in them. You should cultivate what you want to become in your life.

Lifting weights has done a lot for me, personally. Your sex drive will soar and you will look more like a man again, after a month or two.

[growant]

try reading some of David Deida's books, like Way of the Superior Man, I think he also has some free youtube videos. He talks about male and female polarity and the importance of preserving the two.

 

To increase testosterone you can squat/deadlift with weight, eat more red meat (I think), pine pollen tincture, certain chinese herbs...

[WHITEROOMENERGYMINE1]

I lift heavy about twice a week. It's been tougher recently feeling like a fukn sally..

 

I also have read the way of the superior man, thank you for the suggestion.

 

I am looking more for advice as to what we should do as a couple? Abstain from sex until we feel normal again? Force ourselves to copulate and try to give back the opposite? truly confused..

 

theNERD

[Jetsun]

Do you two ever argue or have disagreements where you define yourself as separate? As It sounds like emmeshment where there are insufficient boundaries in the relationship, emmeshment is quite common but it isn't particularly sexy as it is regressive in nature. I am no expert but I will mention a few ideas.

 

There are psychological things you can do as a couple but it depends how radical you want to be. From my own experience I went to a psychotherapist where we did some exercises for example taking it in turns at pushing against each other physically so you push and the other resists until the one pushing has pushed you back a bit, which shows that you are allowed to exert resistance and define physical barriers with the other person. But basically the idea is to aggressively define yourself against the other person for a time but with controlled aggression, which is why controlled arguments and disagreements can be healthy for a couple as you verbally erect barriers as separate for a time. Maybe doing activities where you are in competition with each other could help do this.

 

You can do other things like imagine your boundary as a bubble around you and then imagine your girlfriend

has one also and they touch but they don't cross into each others.

[WHITEROOMENERGYMINE1]

Do you two ever argue or have disagreements where you define yourself as separate? As It sounds like emmeshment where there are insufficient boundaries in the relationship, emmeshment is quite common but it isn't particularly sexy as it is regressive in nature. I am no expert but I will mention a few ideas.

 

There are psychological things you can do as a couple but it depends how radical you want to be. From my own experience I went to a psychotherapist where we did some exercises for example taking it in turns at pushing against each other physically so you push and the other resists until the one pushing has pushed you back a bit, which shows that you are allowed to exert resistance and define physical barriers with the other person. But basically the idea is to aggressively define yourself against the other person for a time but with controlled aggression, which is why controlled arguments and disagreements can be healthy for a couple as you verbally erect barriers as separate for a time. Maybe doing activities where you are in competition with each other could help do this.

 

You can do other things like imagine your boundary as a bubble around you and then imagine your girlfriend

has one also and they touch but they don't cross into each others.

 

Thank you very much Jetsun.

 

I think that may actually help because believe it or not we never fight fight. Maybe that lack of resistance, although it has created an easygoing relationship, has caused us to blend too much.

I will pass this idea on to my girlfriend, I think it has much promise.

 

theNERD

[hydrogen]

We both admitted that we have even been having some homosexual feelings recently and have never felt like this before. Possibly attracted to the sexual energy that we need?

 

Then get a strap-on, do the role reversal thing.

 

When you say "sex", what sex did you mean? genital centric sex? Have you tried whole body sex? Or intimacy? Or emotion sex?

 

It's a natural progress at your stage. You can't stay on the same level forever. You either move forward or quit.

[Jetsun]

Thank you very much Jetsun.

 

I think that may actually help because believe it or not we never fight fight. Maybe that lack of resistance, although it has created an easygoing relationship, has caused us to blend too much.

I will pass this idea on to my girlfriend, I think it has much promise.

 

theNERD

 

I should say there are no absolute rules in this, I know a few people in very healthy relationships who never argue or fight at all, so every relationship is unique.

 

Also it might be quite natural at your age, I know plenty of people who had really meshed relationships when they were young but when they broke up it was really bad as they felt like they had literally lost a part of themselves, and because the breakup was so severe their later relationships were conducted more healthily in regards to boundaries.

Edited February 13, 2013 by Jetsun

[WHITEROOMENERGYMINE1]

Then get a strap-on, do the role reversal thing.

 

When you say "sex", what sex did you mean? genital centric sex? Have you tried whole body sex? Or intimacy? Or emotion sex?

 

It's a natural progress at your stage. You can't stay on the same level forever. You either move forward or quit.

hahhaha nice.

And by sex I mean mostly genital centric sex. We have performed karezza a decent amount of times with a few great sessions but never got into a solid period of consistently attempting it.

 

Could you elaborate on emotion sex. what is this?

 

theNERD

Edited February 15, 2013 by theNERD

[hydrogen]

hahhaha nice.

And by sex I mean mostly genital centric sex. We have performed karezza a decent amount of times with a few great sessions but never got into a solid period of consistently attempting it.

 

Could you elaborate on emotion sex. what is this?

 

theNERD

 

You're asking the wrong person. I'm a failure in relationship.

 

From what I've read that people in relationship connect in three level: physical, emotional and spiritual.

 

In theory, if physical sex is to exchange sexual energy to gain physical pleasure, then emotional sex is to exchange emotional energy to obtain emotional release and pleasure.

 

I have no idea how to do it correctly. Most people don't know how either. You see lots of couple fight, then have fantastic sex. That's the only way they know how to exchange emotional energy. I don't suppose it's the only way.

[Birch]

You're asking the wrong person. I'm a failure in relationship.

 

From what I've read that people in relationship connect in three level: physical, emotional and spiritual.

 

In theory, if physical sex is to exchange sexual energy to gain physical pleasure, then emotional sex is to exchange emotional energy to obtain emotional release and pleasure.

 

I have no idea how to do it correctly. Most people don't know how either. You see lots of couple fight, then have fantastic sex. That's the only way they know how to exchange emotional energy. I don't suppose it's the only way.

 

Drew would be the guy for this question!

 

My POV on it is that it's all too common to 'lose yourself' in a relationship with someone else. So def anything that alleviates that would IMO (and had I known better at the time, IME) be helpful. I'm thinking a lot about it too. There's anothing thing that I came across more recently that suggested that anything you don't embrace as part of yourself you'll end up 'working for, getting married to, or giving birth to'. I thought that was kind of interesting.

 

There's stuff in the healing circle about how suppressing stuff just keeps it active in your life (which is counter-productive to what we think we're doing, haha)

 

The other thing I contemplate is 'what on earth am I looking to this other person for?' And if it's something I can give to myself (or give to them) then I do that. I have no idea how it 'works' energetically. And as cultivation moves forward, the idea that someone could be dependent on me for energy feels weird and not a very good idea.

 

---2cts--

[Mark Saltveit]

I think you're thinking way too hard about the gender stuff. Don't worry about having "feminine" aspects, the whole meaning of yin/yang is not "girls are this, boys are that" but that each person contains elements of both. Don't judge yourself good or bad for what you're feeling. Just be it.

 

Especially being young, it might be worth trying some role-playing, either together or just on your own. Experiment with acting more macho, in various different ways, or less so. As a standup comedian, I have actually pretended to be, e.g. very macho on stage, because I thought it was funny and absurd, and was surprised to find that some of it was really me. And it helped me in dating.

 

Though if you say something like "Damn it woman, get in here right now cause I'm gonna f*** the hell out of you," it kind of ruins the effect if you start giggling.

[Birch]

"...kind of ruins the effect if you start giggling."

 

Or if she runs away:-)

[GreytoWhite]

El Senor NERD does your girlfriend also cultivate in a similar manner that you do? If not, then please try to minimize any sort of energy exchange. My experience has led me to avoid anything like that without a partner that also practices.

[Mark Saltveit]

>>"...kind of ruins the effect if you start giggling."

Or if she runs away:-)

Depends if she wants you to chase her or not. That's where your careful Daoist observation and intution becomes very important. If she's giggling too, and not really trying to get away....

Edited February 16, 2013 by Mark Saltveit

[WHITEROOMENERGYMINE1]

El Senor NERD does your girlfriend also cultivate in a similar manner that you do? If not, then please try to minimize any sort of energy exchange. My experience has led me to avoid anything like that without a partner that also practices.

 

No she does not. She has started to meditate recently but nothing serious at all. I agree with the minimization of energy exchange because that does seem to be where trouble can start to bubble forth.

 

thanks for the solid advice

Good recommendation. My first experience of this was an excess amount of energy "pooling" in an area of my body after lovemaking. My partner told me what he did/where he focused his mind to guide his energy. I then asked him to tell me in advance of doing anything similar in the future. That way, I can "work with" the addition of his focused/increased energetics.

 

With heart centered lovemaking, for many, simply allowing the energetics to spontaneously go where they want/will is sufficient. Perhaps, even ideal.

The heart centered love-making is where some of our best times have come from. I think I will be trying to spend my time there when with her

thanks!