Passive Aggressiveness On The Spiritual Path

[Harmonious Emptiness]

First off, I would like to make the disclaimer that I am not perfect, nor a model of will power and unconditional love. I realize my user name might be a bit misleading in this way, but I try not to overly restrain myself in some responses to ensure this misconception is not intentionally propagated.

 

Moving forward, I wanted to share this website and perhaps offer some discussion about the dangers and damage to ourselves of passive aggressiveness. I realized that I’ve often used passive aggressiveness as a means to avoid confrontation, thinking this to be the more “spiritual” action, but it really doesn’t help anybody, including myself.

 

In fact, I think a large part of the reason I spend time on this website may be an evasive strategy to avoid confronting certain things in life, such as talking about things to avoid actually doing these or other things. I have quite a bit of behavioural habits to overcome from my early teens on up, in this regard and others. Making excuses for myself, judging other people’s struggles to avoid confronting my own.. this is all evasive behaviour which will take some time to learn how to manage effectively and assertively.

 

Sometimes it seems like passive-aggressiveness is “Wu-Wei” so it’s perfectly cool and intelligent and spiritual. But I’m starting to see that this rationale is just more passive-aggressive tendencies to avoid confronting the fact that I’m being passive-aggressive. The value in Wu-Wei here, I think, is in it being assertive rather than aggressive. “Spirituality” should not just be an evasion strategy, nor should talking about it be (… time to wrap this up )

 

Anyhow, I think it would be of benefit to everybody to consider the self-damaging effects of passive aggressive activity. I found this website to be very effective at pointing out and showing ways to confront these activities. I’m sure some people will see themselves in a number of the descriptions.

 

 

 

What is passive aggressiveness?
I act in a passive aggressive way when I:
* hide my hostility by seeming to be nice to someone I dislike, and am unable to be honest with the person.
* say I agree with something but don't follow through because I really don't agree with it.
* act opposite to what others are expecting.
* quietly manipulate to get my own way after voicing a completely different opinion, just to keep the peace.
* seek revenge by agreeing and looking "good,'' but never following through on my promises.
* tell people what they want to hear, even if I don't believe in what I am saying.
* try to please people by agreeing to their plan of action, yet actually doing the opposite.
* act one way, which is true to my inner feelings, yet say another.
* am out of touch with my inner feelings; the only way to know how I feel about something is to observe my behavior, don't trust my words.
* hate something or someone but am afraid of letting my true feelings show.
* feel pressured to act or believe in a certain way when I really don't want to.
* avoid conflict at all cost by giving in to others, then procrastinate and never do what I agreed to do.
* am angry but afraid to show my anger, so I quietly take my revenge by doing the opposite.

What are the typical reactions to my passive aggressiveness?
When people recognize my passive aggressiveness they:
* are surprised.
* get disappointed.
* get angry.
* are confused by my behavior.
* confront me on my actions.
* realize that I lied to them.
* get frustrated by the inconsistency in my behavior.
* begin to do battle with me, resulting in a conflict greater than the one I originally tried to avoid.
* get upset and fly into a rage and this damages the relationship.
* no longer trust me.
* resent me for being dishonest.
* act in a similar way with me and our communication winds up at a standstill where neither of us "wins.''
* feel challenged by me and in their competitive reaction become more adamant in seeking to achieve what I had originally verbally agreed to with them.

What irrational thinking keeps me being passive aggressive when I disagree with others?
* I must avoid an argument, fight or conflict at all costs.
* I never "win'' in confrontation.
* There is no use in opposing them, they are much more powerful than I am.
* I must please people by telling them what they want to hear.
* I never get anywhere by showing my anger openly.
* It's bad to get angry.
* No one wants to know how I feel.
* No one will understand how I feel.
* My problems are unique; I need to hide them since no one would understand.
* I am a loser and failure anyway; why try to defend my position?
* I will never "win'' in this situation; why try?
* I enjoy seeing people get blown away by my agreeing with them and then my doing the opposite of what I agreed to do.
* I'd rather back down right away to minimize the damages a fight could bring rather than tell people how I really feel about things.
* It's so hard to be honest with people about how I feel when what I feel is counter to what they want me to feel.
* It's important for people to like and accept me and I say anything just so long as they like me.
* It's not what I do or how I act that is important to people, it is what I say that influences them.
* People will never know I'm angry and disagree with them.
* I hide my feelings well from others.
* Feelings don't count. It is better to deny my feelings than upset another person I am in disagreement with.
* I'd rather lie than get into an argument with someone.
* If I lie about how I feel, others will never know the truth.

How can I recognize when someone is being passive aggressive with me?
I can tell that people are being passive aggressive with me when they:
* always agree with my point of view, even when I am being narrow minded or blind to other alternatives.
* never disagree or argue with my point of view.
* take every opportunity to "put me down'' in a humorous or sarcastic way.
* never confront me with their negative feelings.
* avoid discussions about unpleasant topics.
* are always cheerful and upbeat to my face; yet I hear from others how negative they are about me behind my back.
* "yes'' me constantly, never disagreeing with anything I say.
* consistently do the opposite of what I thought they agreed to do.
* withdraw or pull away from me whenever I confront them with my anger or negative feelings about them.
* deny that they have any problems with our relationship.
* talk about others in a negative or disparaging way, yet are nice and friendly to their faces.
* demonstrate behavior inconsistent with their words.
* make me feel foolish for expecting one thing from them when they deliver the opposite.
* make me believe I can count on them to do something for me but they never follow through.
* talk with fantasy and magical thinking about how they are going to change, yet the change never occurs.
* show a consistent pattern of exerting no effort toward improving our relationship.
* talk or act irrationally in dealing with a problem, as if it were very easy to overcome and correct.
* minimize the extent of the problems facing us in our relationship.
* tend to patronize me and try to make me believe that I am just imagining problems between us.
* continue to deny that a problem exists when all the evidence points to the opposite.

How can I confront a passive aggressive person?
If others are being passive aggressive with me I can:
* point out the behavior that indicates passive aggressiveness on their part.
* point out the inconsistency between their words and actions.
* pay attention to their actions rather than their words, then give them feedback as to what their actions tell me about their feelings.
* ask for their true feelings reassuring them that there are no right or wrong feelings, and that it is OK to share negative feelings.
* ask them what has them so intimidated that they fear sharing their feelings with me.
* reassure them that we can reach a "win-win'' solution in our communication if we are willing to compromise.
* defuse the competition in our relationship. It doesn't matter "what'' we are discussing as long as we respect how each of us "feels'' about what we are discussing.
* remain open to any negative feelings they have and let them know this.
* begin to trust what they "do'' rather than what they "say'' and let them know that I am doing this.
* make myself more accessible to them.
* help them lessen their fear of rejection from me by reassuring them that I really do care.

If I find myself being passive aggressive, how can I correct this?
To avoid being passive aggressive with others, I can:
* try to be assertive, open and honest with my negative feelings or anger.
* warn people to "read'' my behavior rather than my words if they want to know my feelings.
* confront myself with my inconsistent behavior and challenge myself to explain it.
* take the risk to confront my anger assertively and "on the spot'' so that I can bring my behavior in line with my feelings.
* work at making my behavior consistent with my feelings.
* change the way I interact with people and make my relationships more honest.
* admit that I have been a liar.
* work at being more honest with people even if it results in a conflict.
* identify the irrational thinking that prevents me from confronting people when I am angry.
* learn how to become assertive with my negative feelings.
* accept that it is OK to have conflict and disagreement.
* learn to compromise and come to a "win-win'' solution.

Why is it useful to eliminate my acting passive aggressive?
By eliminating passive aggressiveness when I am angry, I could:
* have deeper, more honest and longer-lasting relationships.
* feel less stress, anxiety and depression in my dealings with others.
* learn to be clear and consistent about my feelings.
* reassure others that they will no longer have to guess how I "really feel.''
* stop resorting to lies about my feelings.
* develop self-respect, self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth.
* have more energy because I would no longer be defending myself from powerful, intimidating people.
* have clarity of focus and purpose, working on the things I want rather than what others want for me.
* have fewer people venting their rage on me.
* experience a sense of harmony in my life.

Steps to eliminating being passive aggressive
Step 1: First, I must begin to recognize this behavior when it occurs. To do this, I will answer the following questions in my journal:
A. What is my usual response when I disagree with someone who intimidates me?
B. How do I feel when I am angry or upset with someone who intimidates me?
C. How often do I agree with these people rather than confront them just to avoid conflict?
D. What benefits do I derive by avoiding confrontation?
E. What are my feelings after I have backed down from someone who intimidates me?
F. From whom have I backed down? How successful was this? How often did I go ahead with what I had planned, ignoring what these people wanted me to do? What usually resulted from my failure to follow through with my part of the plan?
G. What do I do now after I've backed down from a disagreement? Am I still passive aggressive? How can I tell? What are the results? How often does this happen?
H. Under what circumstances do I resort to passive aggressiveness?
I. What is involved in these situations? Why do I resort to passive aggressiveness?
J. What are the negative results of my passive aggressiveness?
Step 2: If I find that I am resorting to passive aggressiveness, then I need help to recognize the negative impact it has in my life. To do this I will record the following exercise in my journal.
My Passive Aggressive Ways
Write a story about five separate incidents during which I acted passive aggressive. In each story, detail:
* When it happened.
* With whom it happened.
* What I was angry about or over what we disagreed.
* Why I was intimidated.
* What I did later to show I was being passive aggressive.
* The reasons I acted the way I did.
* How others reacted to my passive aggressive behaviors.
* How others confronted me on how I was acting.
* What they told me about my behavior and how they felt about it.
* The final outcome of the situation.
Step 3: I am now ready to confront my past passive aggressiveness and ways I could change it. Complete the following exercise:
The Other Side of the Story
Write a sequel to each of the five stories from Step 2. In each sequel include:
* What I did differently when I first recognized that I was angry or had negative feelings.
* How I honestly confronted my feelings as being different from my behavior.
* How I made sure that my actions were consistent with my expressed feelings.
* How I gave others permission to "call me on it'' if I deviated from my expressed feelings.
* How others handle my being assertive with my anger and/or negative feelings.
* How we resolved the conflict or disagreement that resulted.
* The impact this confrontation had on our relationship.
* How the stress and anxiety of intimidation and power games was eliminated from our relationship.
* How I felt about learning to handle my anger and/or disagreements in a healthy way.
* The benefits of my being direct and assertive in confronting my anger and/or negative feelings with others.
Step 4: Once I've been able to rewrite my passive aggressive behavioral script, I need to apply it. Whenever I am angry or in disagreement with someone, I will strive to follow these tips:
Tips to Overcoming being Passive Aggressive
Tip 1: Tell the person immediately how I am feeling, even if I am angry or in disagreement.
Tip 2: Allow the other to express feelings openly as well.
Tip 3: Ask the other to allow for a compromise "win-win'' solution.
Tip 4: Ventilate feelings, then jointly brainstorm solutions.
Tip 5: Arrive at a solution in which we both "win.''
Tip 6: Act on solutions in which we both "win."
Tip 7: Make sure my actions are consistent with the agreement.
Tip 8: Make sure my behavior is consistent with my feelings and what I said in the agreement.
Tip 9: Give the other person permission to point out when my behavior deviates from our agreement.
Tip 10: Monitor my emotions and renegotiate our solution if they aren't consistent with our compromise.
Tip 11: Let the other know if I get upset over the compromise with no masking of my feelings.
Tip 12: Confront intimidation openly and honestly.
Tip 13: Ensure that our relationship is based on honesty.
Tip 14: Accept the uniqueness and individuality of others, allowing each of us to be ourselves.
Step 5: If I find I am still resorting to passive aggressiveness then I need to return to Step 1, and begin again.

 

ed. note: added link for "assertive vs. aggressive"

edited again to fix link destinations

Edited March 2, 2013 by Harmonious Emptiness

[Vanir Thunder Dojo Tan]

whats wrong with being passive-aggressive?



Its not like being gay is a choice either... so it's okay to be gay but not passive aggressive?

[三江源]

Judo Coyote

[Harmonious Emptiness]

whats wrong with being passive-aggressive?

 

 

 

Its not like being gay is a choice either... so it's okay to be gay but not passive aggressive?

 

Well, be what you want to be, but knowing half the battle G.I. Judo Trend

Edited February 21, 2013 by Harmonious Emptiness

[Vanir Thunder Dojo Tan]

is it always want? really? i can want to be a moon? i might not want to be what i am able to be at all or maybe accepting what i am for who i am is all it is, then, what does it matter if other people are gay or passive aggressive? what if it is not a choice or desire? a want? who wants to want?

Edited February 21, 2013 by Northern Avid Judo Ant

[Harmonious Emptiness]

is it always want? really? i can want to be a moon? i might not want to be what i am able to be at all or maybe accepting what i am for who i am is all it is, then, what does it matter if other people are gay or passive aggressive? what if it is not a choice or desire? a want? who wants to want?

 

Are you just tryin' a' tell me something Judo dude?

 

What do you need my permission on it for?

[hydrogen]

H.E.

 

What you described method sounds like west style psychoanalysis. To find fault in oneself in order to correct the "shortcoming". That inplies there is a set of standard that one should follow. Then who define these rule book of the stardand?

 

If one starts picking fault on oneself, he may continue the trend to find fault on others. If one can accept oneself unconditionally, how can he accept others unconditionally.

 

Your methond maybe good and valid. But I don't think it's inline with taoist approach. I'm trying to peel away the man made deceiption and stardand which are cloudy my true self. I don't want to add more expert opinion into the mix.

[Vanir Thunder Dojo Tan]

examples are nothing but; i am not implying anything beyond what i am trying to state: that all things have a place and use.

Passive-aggressiveness, sexuality, finance, banking, over-assertiveness, tyranny, blind obedience, internet; any one thing that can be claimed about any of anything can also be said about any other anything.


In other words: What is wrong with being passive aggressive is nothing more than one of many perspectives which can apply.
Every *thing* has a *place* which it compliments its surrounding *things* and all *things* are a necessary *part* of the *whole* of all *things*.

Is your point overall that your own passive-aggressiveness is misplaced in the pursuits of the spirit path?












I have misplaced a great many things in my path and on my journeys, through my footsteps along the great eternal road of truth.

Such things are innumerable and most of which are forgotten. Some between lives, some between eye blinks.

But i realize that all things have inclusiveness, all patterns can and must exist simultaneously, rearranging your collection of all patterns is the key to success in all areas. are your pattern arrangements conflicting with your different pursuits?


Mine are, and have many times before. but upon recognizing the infinite patterns and pattern arrangements, precision becomes perfected; an eternal pursuit as well.

We use patterns to perfect our understandings of proper pattern usage; we learn when to want, when to act, when to obliviate, when to focus, when to rise, when to fall, when to inhale, when to hold, when to relax, when to exhale.

But we learn first, how.

Edited February 27, 2013 by Northern Avid Judo Ant

[Harmonious Emptiness]

H.E.

 

What you described method sounds like west style psychoanalysis. To find fault in oneself in order to correct the "shortcoming". That inplies there is a set of standard that one should follow. Then who define these rule book of the stardand?

 

If one starts picking fault on oneself, he may continue the trend to find fault on others. If one can accept oneself unconditionally, how can he accept others unconditionally.

 

Your methond maybe good and valid. But I don't think it's inline with taoist approach. I'm trying to peel away the man made deceiption and stardand which are cloudy my true self. I don't want to add more expert opinion into the mix.

 

Should we accept ourselves unconditionally though? I think we should accept ourselves as we would a family member - they have their faults but we love them anyways. We may not love or accept what they do, but we still love and accept them. We don't really do anybody any favours by pretending they are perfect. This is why Daoist sages often counsel that: "If [a sovereign] loves flatterers and keeps aloof from the honest and true, his kingdom will soon fall."

 

The thing, too, is that these issues are not "who we are." It's important to know the "not-self" from the "self" and/or the "no-self." You can still accept yourself if you have, say, anger issues or laziness. These things are not you. If and when you get rid of them, you will still be you. You will just be less obfuscated by suffering.

 

Also, I think it is most important to know our own faults. Though I see your logic about judgement going both ways, I find that the strongest "judgers" are those who have never reflected on their own imperfection. This can be very alienating in fact. For me to see that I am imperfect is inclusive. Seeing myself as perfect, (for all but a fraction of a percentage of the population), could just make me think everyone else is beneath me, and undeserving of my acceptance, since not many people will resemble one's ideal of perfection.

 

So, I think the most dangerous thing is not seeing these faults for what they are, which is "not-self." In a way this is "accepting" these faults, as simply obfuscations of the true and pure self (not pure meaning pure in a moral sense). When people see these faults as "them," I think this is when they try to deny all faults and then cannot "accept" these faults in themselves, thus, nor in other people too.

 

So, I'll have to both agree and disagree with you, only because "accepting unconditionally" could also mean "forcing oneself to ignore that they have faults" and this may be ultimately problematic.

 

I hope I didn't misunderstand what you were trying to say though..

 

Thanks for your comment hydrogen .

Edited February 27, 2013 by Harmonious Emptiness

[Harmonious Emptiness]

N.A.J.A.,

 

There is a time and place for "passive agressive" strategy, but, the thing is not letting this strategy carry over as it so often does. For example, if someone threatens you and you have no way out, surely, tell them what they want to hear and don't show try to assert yourself. However, the problem is that some people spent so much time in situations like this, that they haven't found other ways to deal with conflict and difficulty in any other way, and having avoided conflict like this, they've found that it works and keeps them out of harm.

 

The problem is that this approach is rarely the best way to go.

 

If you want to be passive aggressive, go ahead, I really don't care. If that's what you want to do then you are free to do it, no matter what I say or the article says or whatever. The point of the article is just to know when you're doing it unconsciously. When your slinking away from responsibility due to ingrained habits of avoiding conflict or tyrannical authority. That is when reflecting on such behaviour is important.

 

"Know thyself" doesn't just mean "know how f*kng awesome you are*!"

[i am]

I'm with you, H.E. There are a lot of traits I've picked up that are counter productive to being the best human I can be. Passive aggressiveness is not a virtue. It's something people hide behind.

 

Now, feeling aggressive, identifying that I'm feeling aggressive, being ok with that and not afraid to to express it, yet restraining from expressing it because I feel that it's truly uncalled for...using discretion...THIS is a virtue.

 

The thing with passive aggressiveness, which your first post pointed out, is that it's done out of fear and malice, not confidence and virtue.

 

There's a big difference between being passive aggressive, and using discretion and wisdom in how you react to something or what you say to someone.

Edited March 1, 2013 by i am

[Vanir Thunder Dojo Tan]

... i just like to argue...

I was "accused" of being passive-aggressive when i was younger, and never understood what i was being accused of.

In time i figured it out, and i am probably *still* being passive aggressive, however, it is not by choice, but due to the lack of any choice.

Is it considered passive aggressive to refuse to participate in an activity deemed by peers to be necessary of you?

[i am]

No, I'd say that's by definition NOT. You sure you understand what it means?

 

It means that rather than directly confronting people on things you disagree on, you instead pretend to agree, then talk shit behind their back.

 

It means that when someone you really don't like talks to you, you're all smiles and friendly, then talk shit behind their back.

 

It means when someone who is mean to you and degrading comes up and talks to you, you're all smiles and submissive and nice to them, then complain to friends and talk shit behind their back.

 

It means when you have a problem with someone, friend or acquaintance, you make sarcastic backhanded "jokes" which weakly insult them, rather than being confrontational.

 

It means you're afraid to speak your mind, so you submissively avoid confrontation but do a lot of complaining and shit talking behind backs, and make sarcastic, joking insults to people's faces.

Edited March 1, 2013 by i am

[i am]

And this kind of behavior is EXACTLY the sort of thing you target with self cultivation, and try to get rid of. It's not "how I am". It's a defense mechanism I've unconsciously developed out of fear and insecurity.

[Vanir Thunder Dojo Tan]

okay i have never been passive aggressive in my life.


SHAME on people! SHAME! LOL

I mean, im sure it *HAS* its place, but im starting to see that the definition i distilled was not accurate:

As a lazy person who expects from others what they are not willing to do for themselves.



When i realized i was like that i made a lot of changes in my life. but sadly, it seems i am getting shit on now

[Harmonious Emptiness]

I'm with you, H.E. There are a lot of traits I've picked up that are counter productive to being the best human I can be. Passive aggressiveness is not a virtue. It's something people hide behind.

 

Now, feeling aggressive, identifying that I'm feeling aggressive, being ok with that and not afraid to to express it, yet restraining from expressing it because I feel that it's truly uncalled for...using discretion...THIS is a virtue.The thing with passive aggressiveness, which your first post pointed out, is that it's done out of fear and malice, not confidence and virtue.

 

There's a big difference between being passive aggressive, and using discretion and wisdom in how you react to something or what you say to someone.

 

Yes, exactly. Thanks for adding these points.

 

This also brings up about how effecting the world by Wu Wei is about cultivating Dao in one's self to influence and/or maintain external harmony. Another perspective or use is to act in extreme yin in order to effect yang externally, as N.A.J.A. mentioned. However, the Dao is not to be extreme yin, it's to be in balance and harmony. This extreme yin approach creates dis-harmony which is more likely to swing back and forth between extreme yin and extreme yang, never meeting in the middle to actually create anything.

[Vanir Thunder Dojo Tan]

to note on balance and extremes, i picture that would be more comparable to the 64 hexagrams and putting each in a proper and harmonious resonance, as opposed to trying to use only one or another, or even a group out of the whole.

Each having a harmonious, continuous, clashing, and halting interaction with the various others.

Full yin is all stop. good only when suspense helps tune the audience into the moment, draw their anticipation before revealing; "what", is ever changing. A perpetual orchestration of experience.

edit: this turned into a much longer post than intended.

Edited March 1, 2013 by Northern Avid Judo Ant

[Harmonious Emptiness]

Each having a harmonious, continuous, clashing, and halting interaction with the various others.

 

The difference is that the trigrams, which are paired together to make 64 hexagrams, complete and work with each other, rather than clash or compete.

[Vanir Thunder Dojo Tan]

i was thinking in terms more comparable to trying to mate a goldfish with a human....

[Harmonious Emptiness]

Not sure what to tell ya on that..

[Vanir Thunder Dojo Tan]

Huefish? Goldman? me neither

Reverse respond to next poster:

GOLDFISH DONT HAVE FUR!!!

Edited March 1, 2013 by Northern Avid Judo Ant

[Flolfolil]

Huefish? Goldman? me neither

 

whatever it is, it would be a furry

 

 

also, i love this thread. i plan on condensing the info, changing the wording a bit and writing it down in notes i keep

Edited March 1, 2013 by Flolfolil

[Harmonious Emptiness]

Hey, yeah, feel free to share your notes version too! I'd be surprised if that many people went through the entire opening quote.

[i am]

Yeah, the opening quote is where I got all my info from. Well...it and my own personal experience Ask me how I'm so familiar with what it means to be passive aggressive.

 

It's something I've known for a while, but reading those quotes made me think about it hard again. It was refreshing to see, after just growing up a bit and cultivating without really working on that stuff specifically, how much of that crap I don't do anymore.

 

I'm damn near reformed!

[Harmonious Emptiness]

Btw, there are also some really good articles on the same and similar subjects at the side bar of the link (which I just fixed in the OP).